- Contact_FullName:
- Jan
- Contact_Email:
- jan@js.spokane.wa.us
theme
afe
best
adsf
more work
adf
Introduction
afd
detail
adf
transitions
afd
off topic
afd
conclusion
afd
change?
adf
comments
afd
- Contact_FullName:
- Jenny Hopson
- Contact_Email:
theme
best
more work
Introduction
detail
transitions
off topic
conclusion
change?
comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Chris Arsenault
- Contact_Email:
- Arsentwo@aol.com
theme
There are stiil good people in this world.
best
It is someones real experience. It also gives the reader a hope for a better world also.
more work
I thought it was a good short story.
Introduction
Yes, it made me thingk that there was going to be a car accident. Something exciting was going to happen.
detail
Yes, I believe that that each paragraph has sufficent detail.
transitions
Yes, the story had a nice flow to the whole thing. They Author was not gjumping from subject to subject.
off topic
Well, there was the whole little Lion King movie scene. That could have been left out.
conclusion
Yes, it gives a good feeling that she got her perce back and that there are still honest people out int he world.
change?
The length of the paper would be longer. I would also include so imagery of looking back and seeing the perce on the ground.
comments
I liked this short story. It was refreshing to read. It makes me think of doing the right things in life.
- Contact_FullName:
- Amanda Dimuzio
- Contact_Email:
- mnmposse@aol.com
theme
I believe that the theme of this narrative is that we get so busy with your lives that it's important to take time out and think about the things you are doing because you may loose the things you need the most if you aren't paying attention.
best
The best about the essay is how personal it felt, because it happen to me before, losing my purse, and not slowing down to think about the things that I am doing in my life.
more work
The thing that needs more work is a little more descritption towards the end of the paper. Does really good in the begining, but slow down towards the end.
Introduction
Yes, everyone has a long drive somewhere, and it's always fun to here about other peoples long car drives.
detail
Most of the paragraphs in the story have specific detail, but I think detail should explain more about the store, and describe the man who brought the purse back.
transitions
Transitions where used very well to keep the flow of the story going.
off topic
I wasn't sure about the movies, and the little boy in the story.
conclusion
The conclusions gives a feeling of closure, because it makes a point of how she lost something and worried someone might take it, but in the end she could trust more people more often.
change?
If this were my essay, I would tell a little more about why I didn't trust someone to bring back my purse, give a reason why I worried.
comments
It was a good essay to read, and I felt that it keeped my attention very well, very intersting.
- Contact_FullName:
- Heidi
- Contact_Email:
- heidi-o1@juno.com
theme
I believe the moral of the story is that no matter how horrible conditions in the world may seem, we should never lose our faith in others. There is always someone out there who has a sense of morals, and who will return that missing purse.
best
I really liked her conversational tone. It made the essay more interesting to read.
more work
I think that maybe she could have gotten rid of some of the things that didn't have to do with the theme of her story, such as her son wanting to watch the Lion King.
Introduction
Yes, it does. It really gives you a sense of the setting, and also a better feel for the author.
detail
I felt that each paragraph contained enough specific detail to really make you feel what the author was going through, and her feelings at realizing the loss of her purse.
transitions
I think that the essay flowed very smoothly, and she did a good job with the transitions.
off topic
Like I mentioned earlier, I think that she could have left out the part about her son wanting to watch the Lion King, for the simple reason that it doesn't add anything to the story.
conclusion
Her conclusion really does give a good feeling of closure, because she doesn't use vague wording which just leaves you hanging, but there is a definite ending.
change?
I would just take out the unneeded information, but overall, it was really good.
comments
It was a really interesting essay, and her use of words really gave me a sense of the setting, and also her emotion.
- Contact_FullName:
- Erik Broderson
- Contact_Email:
- ib.eb.who.ub@worldnet.att.net
theme
That even though we may feel that it is time to give up on people in society, there are still many out there that do good. It is just that the attention goes to those that do bad.
best
The description of everything that is going on. Not only in her mind, but with her son and everythign else as well. I also like the "sidearm" comment in relation to her purse.
more work
When I read over this essay, everything seemed to flow together. I personally don't feel that it needs any more work.
Introduction
The intro engaged my interest because I too live out in the country and know how good it feels to make that last turn home - especially in the winter time.
detail
Each paragraph contains its pertinent detail and then moves on to the nest step in recovering her purse. Whether it was verifying her name with the store or her recount of how she retreived her purse the next day, each paragraph got its point across and then moved on.
transitions
I feel that transitions are used approriately in this writing. The main reason for that is that everything seems to flow together as you are reading it. I didn't have to reread any of the lines to try and make sense of what was going on.
off topic
The only thing that seemed off topic was the section on watching the Lion King, but that also helped put her evening into perspective. So, while it may have been off topic, it was an intricate part of this story since it helped create the picture.
conclusion
As far as her belief in people there is closure on how she will react and think in the future. The only aspect that is left up in the air is who was the honest gentleman?
change?
I feel that the essay was well written. I don't know if I would have changed anything if this were my essay. I too would have left out the profanity as I slid into the snow just as Lynn did, at least I think I would have.
comments
It just goes to show how our lives can be changed by and revolve around the smallest things in life. Because of her "purse," her evening was changed from a pleasant one of relaxing at home, to one filled with stress and anxiety.
- Contact_FullName:
- Mary Bolks
- Contact_Email:
- angel215@qwest.net
theme
The moral or them of this narrative is that there are still decent people in this world and that sometimes situations don't always turn out in the worst way one can imagine.
best
One of the best things about this essay is the use of descriptive words and the way the author uses those words to create a mental image.
more work
The conclusion needs more work. The author does a really wonderful job of developing the essay and telling the story, but then the story just ends.
Introduction
The introductioni does engage interest because it paints the mental picture. It leaves you wondering what is going on and what is going to happen.
detail
Most paragraph, especially at the beginning, contain specific details. Towards the end of the essay, the details start to dwindle and the essay ends.
transitions
It seems that there could be more transitions used. The paragraphs seem to jump from one day or one event to another very quickly. It isn't hard to follow the direction, there just doesn't seem to be much transition.
off topic
The information that seems to be off topic is the stuff about her son wanting to watch Disney movies and about her son being at her sisters all evening. I suppose the conversation with the people at the supermarket may be off topic, but I also think all this info adds some depth to the story. It adds more variables.
conclusion
The conclusion leaves me hanging in a way. It ends so abruptly that it feels as though the essay shouldn't be over yet. The author leaves the readers hanging about the man that returned the purse.
change?
If this were my essay, I would go back and work on my conclusion and my last few paragraphs. I would add some "beef" to my ending paragraphs and try to make the conclusion seem more final.
comments
I like the introduction, it makes me want to keep reading to find out more. The essay does begin to drift somewhat further in the essay though. But I still like the story, it made me happy.
- Contact_FullName:
- Ashley Stranberg
- Contact_Email:
- Smash058@AOL.com
theme
Even though things go wrong, everything will work out if you have a little faith.
best
The image it created in my mind. When she realized she had lost her purse and started to panic, my adreneline started flowing a little bit. I could feel what she was going through
more work
There could of been a little more detail when she was describing getting her purse back at Safeway.
Introduction
Yes. It caught my attention because I knew what if felt like to be glad you are home.
detail
Most of the paragraphs contained a sentance or two describing her thought that everything might not work out or that everthing might not be in her purse. The last paragraph is really the only one that has a "positive" outlook on things.
transitions
The last couple of sentances "shaped" (so to say) the things that were said in the next paragraph.
off topic
The information about her son wanting to watch "The Lion King" seemed a little off topic to me.
conclusion
Yes it does. The conclusion closed the story by reminding us that things do end up working out and this situation had a happy ending.
change?
Nothing really. Just maybe a little more detail in some places.
comments
This was a good story.
- Contact_FullName:
- Jacob Walters
- Contact_Email:
- rem@bluemail.cc
theme
Real life situations, I suppose. Not entirely sure.
best
The writier gives a lot of information about what is happening and what she is feeling at any given time. Knowing what is happening in real-time as well as what she is thinking adds an intrest to an otherwise boring subject.
The essay also has good structure and transition. Each sentence furthers the story as it should, and she does not go off on tangents about stuff that does not pertain to the subject matter. The essay also transitions from each paragraph to the next quite well. There is no "jumping" around, as each new paragraph picks up where the other one left off, and provides more detail on the part.
more work
I don't think there is anything that would need any work. It seems to be solid written essay.
Introduction
Of course. I too know the feeling of panic by losing something of this nature (allow not a purse). This essay made me recall the time that I lost my wallet that contained several hundred dollars in cash, and when found, was still intact.
detail
Yes. Each paragraph gives you a sense of where she is, and what is running through her mind at that moment.
transitions
Yes, the writier uses transitions very well, so well in fact, that in reading it through the first time you really don't even notice. Unless your looking for them, of course.
off topic
I thought that the part where she saw the headlights as she was looking in the trunk was quite pointless. I do not see how that added anything to the story. When I read it the first time, I asked myself "What does this have to do with anything?"
conclusion
Yes. I suppose it's nice to know that she found her purse and all contents were intact, thus ending her "episode".
change?
The part about the purse. I think carrying a purse is a little to feminine for me.
comments
Your the best teacher ever! :)
- Contact_FullName:
- Saul Schimmels
- Contact_Email:
- kazumohellsshado@aol.com
theme
The moral of the narrative is the majority people are not that bad and we shouldn't be so quick to judge.
best
The best part of the essay is the conclusion because the woman realized that although she had bad expierences in the past not every experience will be.
more work
The introduction needs work because it didn't grab my attention.
Introduction
No, the introduction didn't interest me because it needs to be a little more flamboient.
detail
As far as I noticed all the paragraphs did contain specific detail.
transitions
Yes, they are. The essay flows quite smoothly.
off topic
I didn't notice any material that was off topic.
conclusion
Yes, her experience has renewed her faith in mankind.
change?
If this were my essay I would change the entire thing to accmodate my writing techniques and creativity.
comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Jenny Hopson
- Contact_Email:
- krlibr@aol.com
theme
The moral or theme of this narrative is that not all people are bad. Their are honest people out there and the purse incident renewed her faith in man kind.
best
The best part of the essay is how the writer keeps your attention. I have a low attention span but this story kept my attention because of all the emotions and fear. I wanted to find out if she would find her purse.
more work
Well, maybe some work on the grammer. Some of the sentences were confusing.
Introduction
I would change the intro. It doesn't garb my attention and I think it should give you an idea of what the story is about.
detail
The paragraph where she pulls into her driveway doesn't really have a point. I think that could be taken out.
transitions
Yes transition are used. I think the story flows very well.
off topic
The Lion King really is off topic but thats it.
conclusion
Yes, it sums up the story and gives you a reason for the story.
change?
The only thing I would change is the intro and I would take out the paragragh about the driveway.
comments
I liked the story and the moral of it. I'm glad it had a happy ending.
- Contact_FullName:
- Tracy Dow
- Contact_Email:
- tedtalk@aol.com
theme
The moral or theme of this narrative story is the kindness of strangers. In this story it would be the stranger that returned her purse to the Safeway that she left it in.
best
What I think is best about this essay is that it is a true story. The author used good descriptive words that painted a picture in your mind of what was happening.
more work
I think what could use more work is trying to stick to what is important to include and not details that don't have much importance to the main idea, for expample the"Lion King" does not relate to the lady having her purse stolen.
Introduction
I believe that the introduction engages interest. I was engaged by it because I can relate to that feeling of relaxation when your alomst home after a long drive.
detail
I think each paragraph contains speific detail. The author may have wanted to add more detail to the conlusion.
transitions
I think that transitions are used well to help the ideas flow. The author may have wanted to use more between when she talks about watching the "Lion King" and when she is driving to Safeway the next day.
off topic
The only information that seems a little off topic would be about the movie the "Lion King". I'm not sure what that has to do with her losing her purse.
conclusion
I think the author's conclusion gives a feeling a closure. I feel like it ties up her feelings of the situation she has gone through.
change?
I think I would not include the part about the "Lion King", and maybe add a little more to the conclusion.
comments
I think this is a well written paper. It keeps the readers attention the whole way through. I think a lot of people who read this could relate this to their own lives.
- Contact_FullName:
- Jenny Hopson
- Contact_Email:
- krlibr@aol.com
theme
The moral or theme of this narrative is that not all people are bad. Their are honest people out there and the purse incident renewed her faith in man kind.
best
The best part of the essay is how the writer keeps your attention. I have a low attention span but this story kept my attention because of all the emotions and fear. I wanted to find out if she would find her purse.
more work
Well, maybe some work on the grammer. Some of the sentences were confusing.
Introduction
I would change the intro. It doesn't garb my attention and I think it should give you an idea of what the story is about.
detail
The paragraph where she pulls into her driveway doesn't really have a point. I think that could be taken out.
transitions
Yes transition are used. I think the story flows very well.
off topic
The Lion King really is off topic but thats it.
conclusion
Yes, it sums up the story and gives you a reason for the story.
change?
The only thing I would change is the intro and I would take out the paragragh about the driveway.
comments
I liked the story and the moral of it. I'm glad it had a happy ending.
- Contact_FullName:
- Rachel Garnett
- Contact_Email:
- Rgarnett80@aol.com
theme
It seems to be that one item, such as your purse, could be an enormous part of one's life.
best
She was able to recall and write the emotions and the way she felt at the time of the incident. She gave me, the reader, a real feel for what she had lost.
more work
The introduction. I dont feel as though it gives much insight to the paper.
Introduction
No, not really. I think if she were to have a longer intoduction with more details, it would have been better.
detail
I believe that each one does. Each paragragh describes what she was doing and her emotions.
transitions
Yes. Each one leads into the actions of the next paragraph.
off topic
She said how her little boy wanted to watch the "Lion King" and she said it was one of the many Disney films. Also, that her purse was so big how could she have missed it.
conclusion
Yes, because it shows how she got the purse all intact.
change?
I probably wouldn't have the actual conversation between the store clerk and me, nor the one between my mother and I, in direct quotes.
comments
Overall, the paper was well written. Her anxiety that she expressed gave me the sense of her loss. I got lost when she wrote about her faith in human
- Contact_FullName:
- adam g
- Contact_Email:
- spokane23@hotmail.com
theme
i thought the theme of the story was that there are people out there who are trustworthy.
best
iwould say all the anxiety she felt as she drove all the way home only to find out that her purse was found.
more work
maybe explain more in depth why she thought people in the world were untrustworthy.give some personal examples maybe she thought that way
Introduction
iwould say yes because it was leading me to something i didn't know.how the story was stated by saying "it"usually means something is gonna happen so automatically i got curious as a reader to read.
detail
no could of talked more about what kind of person she was,more the setting.maybe more on the mother.she said it was luck.maybe got her point of view also.
transitions
i'd say when change in mood,surprising changes and thing to change to rythem of story.
off topic
maybe the going up the driveway.that didn't have much on the mood of the story
conclusion
i would say yes,she started out in a good relaxed mood,then got really stressed out when couldn't find the purse.later found out that the purse was found.so she calmed down again
change?
honestly i thought the essay was pretty good written.as the reader it kept me into the story.i could feel what she was going thru because last week i lost my social security card and drivers license at the market and i was worried and then they told me they found it and i was relieved.
comments
none at this time,
- Contact_FullName:
- Mandy Claflin
- Contact_Email:
- flutterbyy@onebox.com
theme
I think this essay proved a point and the point being that sometimes, in the end, everything does end up ok. This women was worried about everything but it all worked itself out.
best
Lynn Holen is a very emotional writer and through her experience, she was able to pour her feelings out on the paper. While I was reading her paper I felt when she was frightened, relieved, and eventually giddy! She is able to visually and mentaly take you along for the ride that she is writing about.
more work
Although the essay was very good, it seemed a bit choppy to read at times. My only suggestion would be to smooth out her topic sentences and not let her paragraphs be as rigged.
Introduction
The introduction didn't intrest me at first but did later on as I kept reading. It just wasn't as captivating as the rest of her paper was.
detail
Yes and no, Some of what she had to say was filled with detail and emotion while other parts she seemed to kind of skim through.
transitions
Transitions are a very important part in the writing process! They can make or break your paper. I think she needs better transitions throughout her whole paper, but over all, she still did a very good job.
off topic
She kept mentioning her son wanting to watch a movie and other details like her mom taking her to the store that seemed unimportant.
conclusion
Yes, because she gets her purse back and all is well in her world.
change?
I don't know. I probably wouldn't have written an essay in the same format that she used.
comments
nope :)
- Contact_FullName:
- Denise Albrecht
- Contact_Email:
- threeangeldoxie@qwest.net
theme
The moral of the narrative is, don't panic when you are in a difficult situation. People are usually more decent than we are led to believe by all of the horror stories on the news.
best
The essay goves enough detail to fully understand her feelings in the situation. It helps us relate to her plight. We have all been in the same situationat one time or another.
more work
The introductory paragraph needs to be more substantial. It doesn't focus enough on the issues that are ahead.
Introduction
It did not engage me right away. It made me think of the times when I am returning from a long trip, but did not make me want to read further until I finished the second paragraph.
detail
Every paragraph does contain a specific detai.
transitions
The first paragraph does not lead very well into the second. The author jumps from being relieved to be almost home, to her son being at her sister's house.
off topic
The many atempts to get into the driveway did not seem necessary.
conclusion
It does give the feeling of closure because she states how it has affected her life in situations that she finds herself in after losing her purse.
change?
I would make the opening paragraph stronger.
comments
I can really relate to her plight. I have been in a similar situation and know all of the feelings that she is describing and how true they really are.
- Contact_FullName:
- Suzanne Witter
- Contact_Email:
- suzannewitter@hotmail.com
theme
I think the theme is that you can trust in human kind more than we are led to believe.
best
I think the descriptions of the lady's actions and emotions are the best thing about this essay. They are very vivid, and put me right in the moment.
more work
The one thing that was hard for me about this essay was the strong emotion the woman felt about misplacing her purse. We all feel a annoyed and irritated when we misplaced our wallet or purses, but her response was just a little too strong for me to believe. The lady in the story seemed to be seriously over-reacting. At first, because of her reaction, I thought she'd misplaced her son!
Introduction
Yes, the introduction engages my interest. I like the way the essay starts right in the middle of the action, and I, again, appreciated the discriptive style of the writer.
detail
The paragraph where the clerk at the store says they need a special code to dial out doesn't add any pertinent details to the story. It can be omitted without taking away from the essay.
transitions
I think a better transition is needed at the beginning of paragraph 4. She's looking in her trunk and then she's suddenly driving down the road again. Simply inserting the words "I climbed back into my car" (...and resumed driving down the road) would help this transition.
off topic
The clerk talking about needing a code to dial long distance.
conclusion
Yes. Because the experience has given her something--solved an issue of trust for her.
change?
I would whittle it down a bit. It seemed to go on longer than it needs to. The lady in the story feels too much emotion for the simple loss of a purse. Her emotion either needs to be minimized, or we need to understand WHY she's responding so drastically. Is that $150 dollars is all the money she has to her name? Is it her rent money? Grocery money? Her reaction needs more motivation.
comments
I think her relief being compared to home robbery is effective but over written. And forms of the word "relief" occur too much in the essay. I suggest coming up with other words to describe this emotion.
- Contact_FullName:
- Luba K
- Contact_Email:
- mishle@hotmail.com
theme
We should't lose all our trust in mankind, because there are people out there that we can depend on in life.
best
She gave alot of detail about her feelins and what was going through her mind.I could feel what she was going through.
more work
I truly don't know.I think she did a good job.
Introduction
The into does engage your intrest,when she mentions that her purse is missing.
detail
Most of the paragraphs do give specific detail, but the ones where she speaks don't.
transitions
Transitions are used adequetly.
off topic
Not realy,maybe about the movies her son wanted to watch.
conclusion
Yes it does.It restores your trust in mankind.
change?
No I wouldn't, it was done well.
comments
None.
- Contact_FullName:
- Amber Burnett
- Contact_Email:
- arburnett2001@aol.com
theme
The moral is that their are both good and bad people in this world and people should not pass judgement too eagerly. The women lost her purse and was very pesamistic about someone turning it in.
best
The best part was the emotions portrayed by the women in the essay. I have experienced the same thing and I too was panick stricken. The detail made me feel how scared she was about losing all of her private belongings.
more work
More detail about her emotions at the time that she recovered her purse would have been more descriptive.
Introduction
Yes. The setting was described as cold and icy which made the mood of the essay tense. The part of the essay where she is on the phone and her little boy is talking to her in the background gave a hectic feeling to the scene.
detail
The last three paragraphs don't seem to have the descriptive detail as the rest of the essay.
transitions
I think the transitions worked well in this essay.
off topic
The little boy asking to watch the Lion King.
conclusion
Yes. It gave the moral of the essay and included her feelings about honest people.
change?
I would use more detail in each paragraph to keep the reader's interest. I would incorporate more description about going to the grocery store and how she felt.
comments
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