Results from Form 1 of Page poetry275/feedback

Contact_FullName:: Emily Farrell
Contact_Email:: emy_farrell@hotmail.com

theme

The moral theme seems to be about how people show love toward their family. Maybe also the importance of a solid family foundation.

best

I appreciated the explanation of the love that the grandfather seemed to have for his grandaughter. The love strong enough to let her go was explained well.

more work

The final paragraph about the mother and son's feud seems a little out of place. The transition may not have been strong enough.

Introduction

Yes, as I feel most people have been through experiences similar to this one, it holds your attention long enough to carry the reader to the next paragraph.

detail

The first three body paragraphs contain specific detail by quoting directly from the poems that were referred to. The final paragraph, however, does not.

transitions

For the most part, I can see the transitions okay, but I think that it would be helpful to relate each poem to the others when transitioning from paragraph to paragraph. The final paragraph seems to have no transition, or even relationship to the preceeding ones. Maybe look at that again.

off topic

The final paragraph that speaks of the feud between mother and son seem to not relate to the topic. I can see how one could make it fit, but as it is, it seems much off target.

conclusion

No. As I have been saying frequently, the last relationship covered seems out of place, and gives the feeling that you are hanging, waiting for some type of ending.

change?

I would elaborate a little on each paragraph, ant try to expand the transitions a little to keep the flow of the essay a little more stable. I would delete the final paragraph and start from scratch.

comments

I like the voice that the writer has. You can definitely see where s/he is headed.

Contact_FullName:: Nick Kelly
Contact_Email:: Anhilius@aol.com

theme

That it is family which cares, prepares, and love for one another.

best

The best part about this essay is the way that the author uses her outside sources. This is best because she does a really good job of taking a source, presenting it, and then backing it up with her own ideas.

more work

I think the structure of the essay could use some more work. I believe that, while her points are good, they could be better developed. A solid conclusion could also be used to sum up all of what the author is saying, instead of leaving the reader hanging.

Introduction

Yes, the intro was good enough to draw me into the rest of her essay. She used a decent grabber.

detail

Yes. Each paragraph maintains one point which is supported with text as well as an explanition of that text and the author's own ideas.

transitions

Yes, there are good transitions used, i.e. "another, also," etc. I do not think that she needs to use any more.

off topic

The final paragraph seems to be out of place. In her thesis and intro paragraph, she mentions what she thinks family should be like. There is no mention that she will be discussing what family shouldn't be like. With simple mention in the beginning this last paragraph would not seem out of place.

conclusion

No, in theory there is not a concluding paragraph. The last paragraph offers no conclusion or closure.

change?

If this were my essay I think I would have added more detail into the paragraphs. I would have added more text as well as some more of my thoughts on what family is. I also would have added a conluding paragraph, not just have a last paragraph.

comments

This was almost as fun as the first time I got to do it :) (That is a smiley face, by the way.)

Contact_FullName:: Rachel Garnett
Contact_Email:: Rgarnett80@aol.com

theme

How family members care for one another and how they act towards each other.

best

The author gives examples from the text and adds clarification for why he chooses those lines.

more work

The concluding paragraph mentioned "Soul Go Home". The author stated what it was about, but not enough in detail. I was confused when he said the woman was mad because she now lost her opportunity to remarry.

Introduction

Yes. The statements are exclamated and I want to find out what is going on. It also has a bit of familiarity with my life.

detail

Yes. The details explained clearly.

transitions

I think the first paragraph in the body can use a transition in the last sentence. It seemed to end sort of abruptly.

off topic

The paragraph on "Flight" is sort of awkward. It seems to deal with a grandfather's feeling towards his grandaughter, rather than how he treated her.

conclusion

Yes. The comparison to what the author thinks wouldn't be family helps to make the reader understand the author's definition of family. I am able to see the author's stand point.

change?

I think I would have more examples and lines from the readings used, just develop my viewpoint clearly. Also, I wouldn't have used "Flight".

comments

Overall, this was a good paper, but a little short.

Contact_FullName:: Cassie Clemons
Contact_Email:: VGymGirl01@aol.com

theme

Family that voices infinite care for its members' welfare.

best

The best thing about the essay was the length. It was short, sweet, and to the point.

more work

The intro and thesis statement because when I first started to read the essay I didn't understand what it was about until I reached the end.

Introduction

The very beginning of the introduction engaged my interest because the first words were a command and I was curious what the commotion was about.

detail

Each paragraph contained specific detail to each of the poems that the author read.

transitions

Yes the transitions helped the ideas flow, except for between paragraph one and two. This kind of confused me because it seemed like it was going from one topic to another. There wasn't really a transition.

off topic

I was kind of confused in between the first and second paragraphs. Are they the same story/poem? Is it a story or poem?

conclusion

No, because it ends with just a conclusion of one part of the essay and not with a conclusion of the whole essay.

change?

Everything. The intro is confusing. I would have a definate intro and thesis. The reader would know exactly what they were reading. Second, I would have a clear conclusion, not one that just drops off and leaves a reader in the dark.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Zoia Stafford
Contact_Email:: LuvStruckByHim@aol.com

theme

The morral or theme is basically the impact that a mother/father or even grandfather can play in ones life is by far greater than that of anyone else.

best

I like how many examples and support is offered throughout the paper. It was easy to follow and easy to grasp.

more work

I think the writer could have expanded in some areas. There could have been more detail and explanation following the examples.

Introduction

Yes, I think that the intro is very catchy. I could easily relate to it. I could remember my mom saying the same things to me when I was younger.

detail

Each paragraph does have detail, but I think that the paragraph about "Flight" could have been expanded. The writer could have added more after the quote about letting go.

transitions

Yes, I think that transitions were used very well. As I said before, I think that the entire paper flows nicely.

off topic

I don't really know that the last paragraph is really off topic, but it doesn't really fit. Maybe if the writer expanded more on their reasons for adding in something that totally contradicts the rest of the paper, it would have been more clear.

conclusion

No, I wanted more about the last parapraph. I wanted to know more about the writers experiences also.

change?

I would either add to or discard the last paragraph. I would expand on the the "Flight" paragraph and maybe add some to my experiences.

comments

All in all, I thought the paper was very good.

Contact_FullName:: theresa kiehn
Contact_Email:: talktom820@msn.com

theme

The theme is the endless love for a child

best

I feel the best was that three main points were named and described explaining the main theme. This is the best because it makes the theme clear and easy to understand if it is backed by three main ideas.

more work

Each main point could go into a little more depth, viewing the poets idea and maybe a personal experience to relate to that. That would give the essay a little more of an intrest and depth.

Introduction

The introduction definately strikes an intrest. One being that I was raised properly being told what to do all the time. Two, I have two young daughters that I see myself doing the exact same thing.

detail

I feel that each of the three substance paragraphs could use more detail.

transitions

From the third and fourth paragraph there shoul be some sort of transition letting the reader know that they are moving on to the final idea.

off topic

The closing paragraph seems to be off topic, it is the exact opposite of what the main idea is.

conclusion

I dont think that the closing gives a feeling of closure because it doesn't finish by tieing all the main points together.

change?

I realy enjoyed the essay. If it were my own I would have had the closing tye up all my supporting ideas.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Tiffany Steen
Contact_Email:: spiffytiff666@hotmail.com

theme

The moral and theme of this narrative is that even though your family may hound you, it's because they care. This is most cases though, because the author gives an example of a family that does not really care.

best

The author gives an example of how it is not always the case that the family loves you when they hound you. This is the best part because too often people write about how things are and forget to mention the exceptions to the rules.

more work

She doesn't give ehnough examples of the cases where it's not love that causes bickering. Too often in this era, it's hatred, not love, that causes problems and the auther doesn't tell us this.

Introduction

The introduction engages my interest because I can relate to it as most people can. I think being hounded at the dinner table by your mother is a common experiance for most people.

detail

Each paragraph explains in enough detail that I can understand what she is trying to say enven though I have never read the poems or stories she is using.

transitions

The transitions in this paper flow well. I never got lost or had to reread to catch the meaning. She did a great job.

off topic

The author stays on track and never seems to stray from her original topic of family love through what seem like hateful things. She keeps it clear and cut.

conclusion

The conclusion made me feel there should be more. She talks of love and then switches to hate in the end and never really seems to close the paper up. She kind of leaves you hanging.

change?

If I wrote this essay, I would add more about the hatred in families and then have a conclusion about the love and hate in a family. Her topic was only the love. I would have brought in the hate of family to my topic as well.

comments

This essay was pretty good.

Contact_FullName:: Judy Johnson
Contact_Email:: N/A

theme

The theme is how different people are raised and brought up in this world because of money and paret's morals.

best

I think the best part of this essay is that the author keeps on topic but varies off of one piece of writing.

more work

The structure needs more work. I think the paragraphs could have been arranged better.

Introduction

Yes, the introduction interests me. i remember hearing those things from my onw mother so it brought back memories for me.

detail

Yes, each paragraph contains a specific detail about the work.

transitions

The transitions that the author uses form paragraph to paragraph help the page flow easier. The author may have been able to word them differently but it is not nessessary to understand the paper.

off topic

No, everything seems to be on topic. If anything is slightly off topice the author brought me back to the topic in the next sentence.

conclusion

No. I don't feel that there was closure. Another paragraph may be needed to have the full closure.

change?

The structure, conclusion,and the transitions are the only things I would change.

comments

Nice essay just a few changes needed.

Contact_FullName:: Peter Hawley
Contact_Email:: blackadderthe2ed@hotmail.com

theme

The way that a "family voices infinite care for its members' welfare."

best

The why that the writer explains everything. This makes it more convincing.

more work

The transitions don't quite flow. You might be able to fix it by rewording them. (This is only my opinion:)

Introduction

It engages your interest, because it starts in the middle of an event.

detail

Yes, all of the paragraphs contain specific detail.

transitions

For the most part, yes. I might change the ending of the second paragraph, or the begining sentance of the third.

off topic

The example in the last paragraph seems to be somewhat off the topic. However, the rest seems to be consistent.

conclusion

No, not really, it feels like it introduces another topic.

change?

I would change the conclusion. Make it something lighter and more on the topic.

comments

Well written. It seemed, for the most part, to follow the topic. The writer gave examples and explained them.

Contact_FullName:: Shayne Blevins
Contact_Email:: hobbybrush@aol.com

theme

relationships between family members, and what one can call a nuclear family vs broken family unit.

best

The best is getting the different points of view from many poems about the same subjects.

more work

I understand where the author is coming from, but what kinds of statistics are their to support, or what would the author like to accomplish.

Introduction

yes but it doesn't talk about my family background. These are examples of what I only hear about.

detail

All of them have good details about what the author is trying to convey.

transitions

transitions are used amongst the paragraphs, but could be used between paragraphs.

off topic

the first ones are about life, the last one is about death.

conclusion

I did not see much of a conclusion at all. I did not read where the author gave me their point of view.

change?

I would try to Make it more flowing between the paragraphs, and add a conclusion of my own thoughts.

comments

It is easier to read at home where there are not as many distractions to fully comprehend the jiffs of the material.

Contact_FullName:: Arika Olson
Contact_Email:: pupcake09@hotmail.com

theme

The theme of the essay is that the family is the foundation for providing care, and looking out for its members.

best

I liked the introduction. The author uses personal experience to draw the reader in. Also, the topic is something most every one can relate to.

more work

I think the conclusion needs more work. Throughout the body of the essay the author supports the thesis. She uses examples like: "a typical mother anticipates the best outcome for her teen daughter,"(paragraph 2), and "a mother's endless care for her deaf child." However, at the end of the essay the author disproves her thesis statement by giving an example of family with a "bitter mother and a resentful son".(patagraph 5) To make it a better essay I would reccommend that the author re-write the concluding paragraph. She should again state her thesis and write sentances that support it and end the essay.

Introduction

Yes, I liked the introduction. I can remember when I was young hearing those phrases shouted at me. I think the introduction is good beceause table manners is something most everyone can relate to.

detail

Yes each paragraph does contais specific deatail. Even the last paragraph which disproves the thesis has detail.

transitions

Transitions are used in the body of the essay. However there is not a transition, or a hint that the author is going to talk about something else than her thisis, in the conculding paragraph. She needs to re-write her thesis if she is going to give examples of families that do not care for eachother. If the author were to do this she would need a better transition in the last paragraph.

off topic

The last paragraph doesn't relate to the thesis of the essay. Also, the paragraph that talks about the grandfather relates more to his struggles than it does to how he experesses care for his grandaughter.

conclusion

The conclusion does not give any feeling of closure. It ends abrubtly, and the whole paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of the essay.

change?

I would give a different example to replace the paragraph that talks about the grandfather. I would also throw out the last paragraph completley and not use an example that disproves the thesis.

comments

I liked this exercise! It was useful to test my feedback skills! Thanks!

Contact_FullName:: Rachel Martire
Contact_Email:: rrwarner61@msn.com

theme

How familys want to teach there children,manners,morals,and life skills. How these familys all want the best for there children.

best

How each writing that was noted in this essay was a completely different story, and still had the same meaning. A mom, dad, grandparent, whom ever it be. They all were trying to teach the same kind of things.

more work

I think that the writer of this essay neededs to be a little more discriptive about the point of all of these summarys being combined.

Introduction

Yes, because it brings you write into whats going on in the essay. I enjoy bazar, and to the point introductions instead of professional ones. It sucks you right in.

detail

Each paragraph contains a summary of another writting, and the closing throws in a complete opposite summary.

transitions

Yes, the summarys make for easy reading. The summarys were well done. There wasn't over quoting of the storys used because the author understood what he was writing about.

off topic

I felt a nice flow when I was reading, I never really lost track of the topic until the closing paragraph, but even then it was a great ending.

conclusion

Yes, but it was an abroupt end and I did not think it would close like that. I do think it was a good idea throwing in a contrast, to stop the flow.

change?

I would have put in some more of my own opinions in, on the subject. I would have changed the title to something more fitting.

comments

I enjoyed reading this essay it was something I can relate to with my life experiences and family.I say that the author did a wonderful job, it's a lot eaiser to sit back and be a critic then to actually do it.

Contact_FullName:: Mary McCallum
Contact_Email:: mary_mccallum2002@hotmail.com

theme

The moral of this narrative is the objective of the family that accents infinate care for its family member's wellbeing

best

The best issue about the essay is how the family's caregivers, whether they be the parents or grandparents, realize what they need to do for the best possible care for their children/grandchildren, be it mental or physical health.

more work

I believe that the instructor, Jan, mentioned that the identifying labels (commas, quotes with pages, etc) were done incorrectly. Also, I noticed there was no formal introduction to the opening of the summary, nor was there maybe an informal introduction to each additional example given. (The 3rd paragraph started out with "Another example..." Yuko did not say of what the example was of.)

Introduction

Yes, the introduction engages my interest. Because I am a mother, I believe I connect more to this form of human nature, with a natural nurturing regarding children. The beginning is something I have heard many times as a child myself, from my parents.

detail

The second paragraph does not contain enough information for me to understand. I need to guess that there was more said in the conversation between the mother and the 13 year old child, regarding the baker and the bread.

transitions

There is not a graceful transition from the first to the 2ndparagraph. The 3rd paragraph has a transition, yet it is not instroduced quite addequately. The

off topic

Yes, with the last paragraph, the bitter mother and her resentful son. In this paragraph, Yuko gets off the topic by mentioning what happened after the son had died, coming back to haunt her, etc.

conclusion

No, I do not believe that there was a closure to Yuko's essay. Yuko did not even put a closure on the last story. I was left hanging, waiting for more.

change?

If this were my essay, I would make sure that I had proper identifying title and page numbers typed in; I would make sure there was a pertinent transition to each new paragraph; and I would make sure that each paragraph would have a proper closure to it, and then make a grand closure, to sum it all up (conclusion) for the entire essay.

comments

When I take a close look at the engineering of Yuko's essay, I realized that she has some work to do. I did enjoy what she wrote about (the topic).

Contact_FullName:: Shauna Schumacher
Contact_Email:: supershauna18@aol.com

theme

It's family that expresses bottom less care for it's members well being.

best

This essay really offered many examples to his theme. They all supported his theme well.

more work

In the second paragraph I had to go back and reread it because I really wasn't understanding what he was saying, and someone who hasn't read what he has might not know exactly what he means by his quote.

Introduction

This introduction does grab my attention. I like how he used the phrases he did and with exclamation marks it made it more dramatic and caught your attention.

detail

They all contained specific detail I thought it was very well supported paper.

transitions

I think he needs to use more transitions when he begins a new paragraph.

off topic

Well I kind of thought that his last paragraph was kind of weakening to his topic, unless he had to include it in his paper.

conclusion

I don't think there really is a conclusion after his last paragraph, he should of had a better conclusion.

change?

I would change the last paragraph, describe the first paragraphs quote better, and have a much better conclusion.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Jesse Kendall
Contact_Email:: Maxllion@aol.com

theme

Although family will nag you or "police" you they do it because they care about you and about who you will be when your older.

best

I like how she touched alot of points and begane to explaine them and answer why each situation was they way it is.

more work

She could have gone into a littl emore depth in each example. Each one only had about a setntence or to explaining it. She didnt use any examples from her childhood.

Introduction

Yes, becuase almost everyone has hear a mother of father tell usto kaap out elbows off the table, or something like that.

detail

They do contain specific detail but not much. In the first paragraoh we know her parents told her thoughs things, but not how it made her feel or what she did.

transitions

I think transitions were used nicely.

off topic

I don't think so. There is, however, quite a difference between a mother telling a child to sit properly and a mother worrieing over her blind child's future.

conclusion

No, I was waiting for another paragraph or too, she ended on a single thought and didn't really sum up all her points.

change?

I would add one or two more paragraphs to conclude everything and explain how I felt about what parents do and think interms of there children and how they'll be in the future.

comments

Contact_FullName:: L. Scott McConnell
Contact_Email:

theme

Parents demonstrate care for their family by guiding them and ultimately letting them go.

best

It describes the classic universal struggle of parents of control and setting free.

more work

The last paragraph seems out of place with the rest of the essay.

Introduction

Yes, because there is not a child on earth who has not confronted at some level their own resistance to authority. She expressed this struggle well.

detail

All give specific detail.

transitions

I would probably use an additional sentence at the end of each paragraph to summarixe that paragraph in relationship to the theme.

off topic

Yes, the last paragraph introduces an opposing element.

conclusion

No, it doesn't summarize the main thesis but rather introduces an opposition to the theme.

change?

I would provide clearer transitions paragraph to paragraph, delete the existing final paragraph and add a summary and closing statement that ties things together.

comments

The three examples in the body of the piece were excellent.

Contact_FullName:: L. Scott McConnell
Contact_Email:

theme

Parents demonstrate care for their family by guiding them and ultimately letting them go.

best

It describes the classic universal struggle of parents of control and setting free.

more work

The last paragraph seems out of place with the rest of the essay.

Introduction

Yes, because there is not a child on earth who has not confronted at some level their own resistance to authority. She expressed this struggle well.

detail

All give specific detail.

transitions

I would probably use an additional sentence at the end of each paragraph to summarixe that paragraph in relationship to the theme.

off topic

Yes, the last paragraph introduces an opposing element.

conclusion

No, it doesn't summarize the main thesis but rather introduces an opposition to the theme.

change?

I would provide clearer transitions paragraph to paragraph, delete the existing final paragraph and add a summary and closing statement that ties things together.

comments

The three examples in the body of the piece were excellent.

Contact_FullName:: Kara Craig
Contact_Email:: Kara42003@yahoo.com

theme

I believe that the moral or theme of this narrartive is that family is the most important thing. No matter what you go through or what you do your family is going to be the only ones that will still be by your sideand support you.

best

I think the best thing about this essay is the examples the writer uses. They are all strong examples that trigger peoples emotions.

more work

I believe that the conclusion could use a little more work, I didn't exactly follow where that came from, maybe a little more info.

Introduction

Yes, the opening quotations the writer used grabbed my attention and made me wonder what the essay would be about.

detail

I believe most have specific detail, although the last paragraph could use a bit more to let us know where the statements are coming from.

transitions

More transitions need to be used in between the 4th and 5th paragraphs. As I said before I had no idea thjat was coming.

off topic

The info that seems to be off topic is the last paragraph, I thought that the writer was talking about family togetherness and such and that threw me off.

conclusion

I do not believe the conclusion gives a feeling of closure. I think it moves me from thinking of how wonderful family is to thinking, where did this come from and why is it here?

change?

I would conclude the essay differently other than that I think it is a strong paper.

comments

Contact_FullName:: chelsa gardner
Contact_Email:: sunrainaday

theme

That family teach eachother morals, behavior, and how to treat life, and adult hood. Parents try their best to instill morals and family values that they themselves believe, and want to be carried down through the generations of their family.

best

That each example gives a thread meaning to the other, and it shows so well the importance of family ties, and what a person gets from that.

more work

I'd say it was a little hurried, and that maybe there could of been a better and more clear summery of why each passage was choosen

Introduction

Yes because it goes right into a capturing statement that gets the readers attention

detail

Yes,I really don't feel that there is any one passage that doesn't explain itself, although I believe they are all brief they do give detail

transitions

I believe transitions are used for flow, but also to back up and further the proof of what is being discused

off topic

not really.

conclusion

no because the conclusion is about the problems between a mother and child, and not things that were discussed

change?

If this was my essay I would have a different conclusion and re-phrase the bodies with more detail

comments

not really

Contact_FullName:: Amanda Hinkley
Contact_Email:: n/a

theme

Family moral would consist of a good relationship between two people as well as bonding with one another.

best

The best about the essay is that the author used great examples of great poets.

more work

I would say more development in the 3 body paragraphs. The paragraphs need more detail.

Introduction

Yes, because she tells us little about herself before she tells us what she is thinking.

detail

No, I would say they would need to go more in depth. In paragraph three the author probably could have mentioned why the grand father didn't want to let go.

transitions

Yes. None.

off topic

Yes, when she talks about the drama in the concluding paragraph.

conclusion

I would say it does. We understand family morals and what types of relationship can engage in a family.

change?

I would go into depth in every paragraph as well as maybe adding another paragraph about my manners now and how the poems relate to me.

comments

Overall the poem was good.

Contact_FullName:: lorri Peterson
Contact_Email:: bkwrmlap@aol.com

theme

Parents have to learn to let go of their children in order for them to have their own lives.

best

How the author used various quotes to talk about different circumstances families face everyday as their children grow up. It really made it easy to understand both point of veiws.

more work

It didn't seem to me that this author had any conclusion paragraph, just one last example. The author needs to wrap that example with the rest of the essay.

Introduction

Yes, because we all have experienced at some point (or will someday), our parents wanting us to be more polite of how we present ourselves.

detail

Each piece to this essay has its own account of parents feel with their kids leaving to be own their own. And how they must overcome their own problems to allow themselves to deal with the change. I didn't see any that does not have any detail.

transitions

It starts with a mother telling her child how to be socially welcomed; to a grandfather's beliefs stuck in the past; to a mother who lets her deaf son grow up nomally.

off topic

The final paragraph and how it doesn't seem to relate to parents allowing their kids to be themselves.

conclusion

No, it does not because it doesn't wrap the author's final example of a family full of blame with those used earlier on parents letting their kids grow up.

change?

I'd tie in the reasons for using anexample of disrrupted family.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: dejaun Ashley
Contact_Email:: donjaun21yv@hotmail.com

theme

I think the moral of this story is to listen to your elders.....

best

the naive daughther how she dont listen and she really should.

more work

the story seems like pulp fiction it wasent put together well it seemed like a whole bunch a different stories.

Introduction

not really because it doesent catch my eye.

detail

yes they do i just cant real;ly understand them because they dont come together.

transitions

i feel all the stories need more transitions to help the flow.

off topic

Where it goes from the mother from one story to the grand daddy in the next.

conclusion

yeah because she feels it was there fault that she was remarryed so much.

change?

i whould connect every story so people can have a better understanding of it.

comments

no.

Contact_FullName:: Heather Reither
Contact_Email:: crzyridnhorses@hotmail.com

theme

THat family is more important than anything and that for the most parts our parents and grandparents only want the best for their offspring.

best

That it touches on all aspects and possibilities for the lives of families.

more work

Spelling and proper word usage. In the final paragraph, last line, the author uses the word disrupted. I think that it could be replaced with a more fitting word such as dysfunctional or disgruntled.

Introduction

Yes it does. I have always believed that quotations are a really good way to start a paper. That and the fact that most of us have heard those things at some point or another.

detail

Yes they do for the most part. I really cannot see one that really doesn't show specific detail.

transitions

The end of the first papragraph could have been written better. So, too could have the end of the second paragraph. It was really fuzzy and didn't really fit in.

off topic

The last paragraph. It just doesn't work with the rest of the piece.

conclusion

Nope. It isn't really a conclusion. It is more of a contrast to the rest of the paper.

change?

The opening and the conclusion. The opening was a bit sketchy and the conclusion was way off subject.

comments

Overall, I liked the work. It lighted on several different aspects of family life. It has issues, but overall it was a fair piece.

Contact_FullName:: Jamie wynecoop
Contact_Email:: Silvermusica

theme

The theme is the importance of a families teaching. Family is there to help you find a path, they do this with emotion and love as well as tough love.

best

The essay gives you many different views on love. You can pick which one connects with you. It allows you to read how love can be shown in a varity of ways.

more work

The descriptions are beautiful but could be more clear. The essay part about the women teaching her daughter about life, love, and even gardening could use more description on to why the daughter is so naive to her mother's teachings.

Introduction

Yes, I was interested in why someone was saying "Don't rest your elbows on the table." It got me to read on and figure out the theme of the story.

detail

I believe the paragraphs are clear yet they could use more details in the one about the young girl being naive. Explain the girl more. The one about the deaf son could use more specific detail at the end. How will she teach her son? What are her goals exactly? These are some details that could be clearer.

transitions

Yes they seem fine to me. I belive the transitions are fine.

off topic

I don't like how the last paragraph explains the negative story about a son and his mother. I think it was off the subject. I was reading posative things about family then began reading the bad things family goes through as well.

conclusion

No, it bothered me because of the negative look on family. That to me is a whole other topic.

change?

I would change the ending paragraph.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Kyna L. Orr
Contact_Email:: kynalorr@netscape.com

theme

The theme of this narrative is that family truely looks out for the care of its own.

best

The author, Yuko Sinnott, used a number of examples to prove his point.

more work

The examples used are not linked very well and the example of what a family isn't seemed to be out of focus.

Introduction

Yes! The use of punctuation indicates that what I am about to read is going to be interesting.

detail

All of the paragraphs contain specific detail, however, I felt as if I would have to go and read the cited texts in order to understand better the examples themselves.

transitions

Transitions are very important for flow. There needs to be transitions between each of the paragraphs in this essay.

off topic

The last paragraph in whole.

conclusion

No. The conclusion felt like the introduction to an oppossing point and it made the essay feel incomplete.

change?

I would add to the last paragraph something about why the mother and son did not fit in the catagory as family. I would take out of it, however, the part about the wraith. It reallly confused the issue.

comments

I think that once the work is complete, this could turn into a good essay that is intersting reading as well.

Contact_FullName:: Hanz Grieshaber
Contact_Email:: dimebreed@hotmail.com

theme

This narrative illustrates three seperate situations. In each situation there is an authoritive family member, who is molding an offspring through instruction due to a nurturing impulse, with an exception of the last example where there is no impulse to better the offspring, but to use him as a scapegoat instead. It seems to me that the moral would be to nurture your children, build them up and prepare them for the world is the true and special way a parent should raise a child, and without this healthy relationship there is an absence of guidance. There is a void that may very well be filled with hate and resentment.

best

The best part of the essay is where the mentor anticipates the child's seperation to independence. You can sense a deep love and concern that is very special.

more work

This essay is somewhat cut and dry. It could use a bit of adjectives, and illustraion to convey some kind of opinion of sorts, on the authors part.

Introduction

The intro grabbed my attention do to the strong emotion that was portrayed by the parent at the dinner table.

detail

The detail was adequate at best. In the last paragraph there are some major links missing, that could connect the last situation to the prior three, creating some theme,that would summarize the whole essay.

transitions

There are no transitions between the paragraphs. The author should start out consecutive paragraphs with phrases like another story I read etc.

off topic

As I stated earlier, the last paragraph seemed a bit off due to the lack of a connecting contrast.

conclusion

There is not closure. There is no opinion, the thesis is not restated nor even clear and specific from the start. It left me with a dry taste and a blank expression that says, huh?

change?

I might spice this baby up a bit, with exciting metaphors and adjectives.

comments

I love to analyze this stuff. It is actually very engaging and helpful to a young handsome smarty like myself.

Contact_FullName:: Chris Purtill
Contact_Email:: bodiphat@yahoo.com

theme

The theme of this narrative is the unconditional love of a family and the bonds that need to be broken in order for stronger ones to form.

best

The best thing about this essay is that it sticks to its thesis through out the entire work.

more work

The mechanics of the essay need more work. Many of the sentences in this piece are written in a passive voice. Also there was one part of the essay that just didn't make sense to me: (paragraph #2, last sentence)"when the mother is through her guidance on how to be socially well recieved".

Introduction

The introduction does a fairly decent job of engaging me through the use of personal anecdote. I find this is usually an effective way to engage and audience because it gives an immediate connection between the reader and the writer.

detail

Although the detail provided in the essay is adequate enough to carry the writers message, there could have been more development. For example, more character dialogue could have been quoted. Also, the author of "Flight" was not mentioned.

transitions

Transitions in this essay are rough. Specifically, from the third to the fourth paragraph.

off topic

Yes, when the writer mentions "Soul Gone Home". From what I have read, "Soul Gone Home" is not at all about the unconditional love of a family. In fact, it is quite the opposite. With the addition of this piece of information, the writer is, in effect, arguing with himself/herself.

conclusion

No. The essay ends on the introduction of a new topic. This gives a feeling similar to walking right off the edge of a cliff.

change?

Aside from mechanics and transitions, the major blow delt to this essay is in the conclusion when a new topic is introduced. Had this been my essay, I would have totally left out the whole "Soul Gone Home" part and simply restated my thesis

comments

In my opinion, this essay was poorly written (sorry).

Contact_FullName:: Charleene L. Amestoy
Contact_Email:: nicsinger@bigplanet.com

theme

The moral or theme of this essay is education, understanding and application of familial and social life lessons, good or bad, as a way of showing how family can care for each other.

best

The aspect of this essay that I liked the best was the novelette approach. It presented an argument for and examples of different aspects and outcomes of lessons learned in the form of a simplified short story with each story involving a different scenario and individuals.

more work

Even though the "stories" were short, there was a need to expound on certain points. An example would be, in the first paragraph, give more detail as to the result and situations which validate the resulting knowledge of social graces or as in the "Girl", what position was the young girl in and what was her reason for asking questions of her mother and the outcome and knowledge gained through the information and experience.

Introduction

The introduction did attract my eye simply because I have used, as well as experienced, similar situations where the very words were spoken. It is because of the recollection of personal experience which is held and remembered with some humor and bitter-sweetness that I would choose to read forward to see if there was anything more.

detail

Each paragraph but the first has an example which can be documented from a written source but as I indicated before, the paragraph like the one covering the story, "Girl", does not have enough detail.

transitions

There is movement from one paragraph to another but they feel incomplete. I'm not a professional but it seems as if there should be a little more lead from one point or paragraph to another. There should be some common thread tying them together with and in the theme.

off topic

The last paragraph seems to provide more detail of an unrelated situation than is merited compared to the amount of involvement included in the previous paragraphs.

conclusion

The ending does not give me a feeling of closure. The apparent judgment at the end is not the type of ending needed for an essay where the lessons in life are key points. There is nothing to finalize and tie this paragraph and all the previous ones into the central theme of the essay.

change?

I would put a little more background information and observations in the first paragraph as well as a more defined idea of the purpose of the essay. In the paragraph with the mother and her deaf child, I'd expand on struggles and life's demands that might have to be overcome and what the motivations for a "normal" life would be, etc.

I personally would like to read a more developed idea of what the situations were in each given lesson. I liked how the ideas, situation and outcome came across in the paragraph about the grandfather and his struggle with his granddaughter's marriage.

I would delve further into the negative aspects of lessons but incorporate and apply them into familial lessons and show the connection to the lessons and the results.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Meghan Niles
Contact_Email:

theme

To be cared for is to be part of a family, and blood doesn’t necessarily make one family if there is hatred for one another. I, however, do not agree with this because I believe that to hate someone you have to care about them. This is because if you didn’t care about them, they wouldn’t be worth the effort that it takes to hate someone.

best

I think that the best part of this essay is how it depicts tough love. I like that the essay points out that even though one’s family’s criticism sometimes seems harsh, that they only do it to try to help the one become a better person (they only do it because they care).

more work

I think that more time should have been put in to the last paragraph. The essay seems to be just left dangling in the wind. I feel that maybe the essay would benefit from a little more linking between the rest of the essay and the last paragraph.

Introduction

The introduction didn’t really grab my interest; however, I do think that it was a good introduction. It gave a personal touch to the essay. I think that a lot of people who read this paper would be able to identify with being told to keep their elbows off the table.

detail

I think that each paragraph contains just enough information and detail for the writer to get their point across. However, it does seem that, after reading the introduction paragraph, the other paragraphs might have contained a little more of a personal note (especially the conclusion paragraph).

transitions

Some transitions are used, but I feel that better transitions could have been used to help the ideas flow more. I feel that better transitions could have been used between every paragraph to help the essay flow more. The essay, to me, as it is now, sounds more like a list of ideas rather than one fluent thought.

off topic

The conclusion paragraph, even though it can fit into the topic, seems to be off the topic because there isn’t really anything that builds up to it. The entire essay is talking about tough love being a symbol of family unity, and then the last paragraph turns in the opposite direction saying that a mother and son who feel hatred towards each other “are too disrupted to be fitted into a category of family.”

conclusion

I don’t feel that the conclusion gives a feeling of closure. This is because the conclusion paragraph just jumps into something entirely different from what the rest of the essay is building up to, and then the paper just stops.

change?

If this were my essay I would change the conclusion. I would either elaborate more on why the mother and son, in the conclusion paragraph, couldn’t be categorized as a family or I would leave it out entirely and come up with another conclusion.

comments

It is interesting to read other people’s persuasive essays. I like to compare the writer’s arguments with how I feel about the subject.

Contact_FullName:: Candace Lane
Contact_Email:

theme

The first part is about raising your child or chidren the best you can, yet being considerate of their emotions or self-esteam. The end is about this man being selfish, then realising it.

best

It is a toss up between a wonderful mother and a grandfather who see's the light. You shouldn't ask for anything more if you have wonderful role models. You should feel really great if you helped someone to realize that they are going about something wrong and want to change for the better of your life and their won.

more work

more description on all the storis would give me more understanding, that way I could remark on there story. For now, I feel that they are stories that cannot be changed. If they were to be changed, they would not be true.

Introduction

Yes, because I am all about love. Especially from family!!

detail

No. Only the first paragraph is detailed, the rest just tells you about the stories that have been told.

transitions

only in the first paragraph. In all the other paragraphs I don't believe they are telling you a story. I believe that they are summarising

off topic

No, because they are all about relationships between family members.

conclusion

Yes, because they all have a lessoned learned wether in the wrong or right.

change?

I would just add more details on how things came to understanding.

comments

none at this time.

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Michelle Messling
Contact_Email:
Remote User:
Date:: 09/16/2003
Time:: 01:56:14 PM

theme_1

That a person's family is the ones that you can count on to help yopu through life.

best_2

Each paragraph was short, simple, and to the point.

key_words_thesis_3

family and caring. It seems to be a paper that compares three stories with the same theme and one constrasting story.

Introduction_4

good. uses an anecdote,simile, quotation, and states a thesis. The writer could of said more words about the theme.

punctuation_5

the second paragraph has puncuation mistakes, missing commas and long sentences.

details_6

I think that the writer is vague in some areas and the themes of each stoty seems to not be defined very well.

Whew_7

the conclusion paragraph should be a wrap up and reflection, not a place that discusses a constracting story.so...there is no conclusion!!!

unclear_8

the second paragraph does not make much sense to me. not clear.

terms_9

none

Transitions_10

when changing ideas. uses some transitions

Climatic_point_11

no, the writer forgot to put a conclusion paragraph.

conclude_12

there is no ending. there was no wrap up or reflection.

MLA_13

no.

change_14

a whole lot. i would rewrite the whole paper but keep the same theme and stories.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Renee Basler
Contact_Email:: supergirl_84@earthlink.net
Remote User:
Date:: 09/21/2003
Time:: 09:51:00 PM

theme_1

That family provides lessons when you are younger that will help you after you grow up.

best_2

The writer did a very good job with the supporting details

key_words_thesis_3

support,illustrates, opinion

Introduction_4

The introduction was good but it could have been a little more to the point

punctuation_5

In the second paragraph the beginning sentence was a little unclear.

details_6

yes the supports were used very well but the last paragraph did not fit with the topic

Whew_7

unclear_8

terms_9

Transitions_10

I believe they used good transitions.

Climatic_point_11

conclude_12

The ending is way to abrupt. It goes off on a whole new topic and it doesn't sum up the intro- duction

MLA_13

change_14

Add a better conclusion.

comments

Contact_FullName:: joe phipps
Contact_Email:: jphipps@starband.net
Remote User:
Date:: 09/26/2003
Time:: 12:23:59 PM

theme_1

The major theme of this paper is a parents love and protection for their children. Some things parents prepare us for are dreadful at the time until later on when we realize how right they were. Sometimes a parent has to be tough to really drive home a lesson.

best_2

I think the best part of the paper was the choice of the writing samples. They were very effective and visual.

key_words_thesis_3

I think it is more of a compare/contrast. It is comparing different situations about a very similar theme. The titles are key words in the paper. They all set the tone of the passage the writer chose.

Introduction_4

I always like the use of a quotation to begin an introduction. Especially if it is an animated one like this. It grabs the reader and gets them involved in the story. The writer could have possibly explained the purpose of the paper, given us a plan of what they would be discussing.

punctuation_5

I think the only thing that made it hard to flow was the necessity to use all the titles and referencing in the paragraphs.

details_6

I think the author used a fair amount of examples. They did a good job or finding a variety of samples with common themes.

Whew_7

In the paragraph refering to the grandfather there was a lot of samples used without many breaks for expalination.

unclear_8

The author switched to a totally different sample subject in the conclusion. You should wrap up what has been presented and not introduce a new idea.

terms_9

The term naive she uses to describe the daughter with the "will the baker" line. The author does not follow any explaination of how this is naive.

Transitions_10

Maybe use a transition at the end of each paragraph to introduce the next paragraph.

Climatic_point_11

I would say the first line of the last paragraph where they refer back to the first 3 paragraphs. That tells you it is a time for reflection.

conclude_12

It is too abrupt, it basically just ends with an expaination of the last sample. There is no resounding last thought to tie things together.

MLA_13

I think overall the author did a ok job on citing examples. I need to get better at that myself.

change_14

I would strengthen the intro and conclusion. In addition to further explaining the samples meaning.

comments

Good information but not presented in a clear format.

Contact_FullName:: Jolyne Purvis
Contact_Email:: jpurvis180@msn.com
Remote User:
Date:: 09/27/2003
Time:: 10:35:14 PM

theme_1

The idea of family and how they care for each other.

best_2

The way he/she used quotes to tie in stories with the theme of the paper...lots of examples!

key_words_thesis_3

I think he/she was trying to compare and contrast. There isn't a strong thesis, but it is that family expresses care for it's members.

Introduction_4

The introduction does capture my attention with using strong quotes and something we all could relate to. To make it better I would use a stronger thesis.

punctuation_5

Not really...the grammer was good, but there were sentences that didn't seem to flow real well together.

details_6

Yes the writer uses plenty of quotes to follow through with her ideas and to support her thesis.

Whew_7

The closing paragraph because he/she is trying to sum up the paper but is bringing in new information.

unclear_8

The introduction and the closing do not have clear representation of what the writer is trying to communicate.

terms_9

what? I don't get this question! :)

Transitions_10

This person did not really use any transitions in between paragraphs. They would stop one and start another.

Climatic_point_11

The first sentence in the last paragraph would give you that idea, but then he/she begins with new information.

conclude_12

The ending was not effective at all. It has one sentence repeating the thesis and then draws new information. A better way to compare would be make another closing to tie all the information together.

MLA_13

I think he/she did the citations well!

change_14

Everything except the quotes! I would make a stronger intro, thesis, use more supporting examples, use better transitions and then a strong closing paragraph.

comments

Wow!!! I feel like this was a paper I did at the beginning at Intro to lit! hahaha!!!!

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:
Remote User:
Date:: 06/18/2004
Time:: 10:39:49 AM

theme_1

best_2

key_words_thesis_3

Introduction_4

punctuation_5

details_6

Whew_7

unclear_8

terms_9

Transitions_10

Climatic_point_11

conclude_12

MLA_13

change_14

comments

Contact_FullName:: jason allen- I realized I was miising this, I do not know if it is the right one
Contact_Email:: jamdmegs@hotmail.com
Remote User:
Date:: 08/17/2004
Time:: 12:45:38 PM

theme_1

The moral of this narrative is the importance of leaning from family, and how close a family can become

best_2

The emotion brought out in the writing.

key_words_thesis_3

There is no thesis. It is a cause and effect paper

Introduction_4

It captures attention because of the demonstrative language used. Create a point in the intro, a overview of what's to come.

punctuation_5

details_6

Plenty of examples through the intricacies of each story

Whew_7

More writing, less story.

unclear_8

None

terms_9

None

Transitions_10

No, confusing what story you are readimg

Climatic_point_11

All the stories have there own climax

conclude_12

Should of wrapped the point better

MLA_13

No works cited page.

change_14

Use the same stories for emotional effecer, but prove the point better.

comments

Nope!

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:
Remote User:
Date:: 11/16/2004
Time:: 09:30:41 AM

theme_1

best_2

key_words_thesis_3

Introduction_4

punctuation_5

details_6

Whew_7

unclear_8

terms_9

Transitions_10

Climatic_point_11

conclude_12

MLA_13

change_14

comments

Contact_FullName:: tina
Contact_Email:: travelbydesign@hotmail.com
Remote User:
Date:: 12/21/2005
Time:: 05:41:03 PM

theme_1

acceptance of family members

best_2

examples of postive family relationships

key_words_thesis_3

After reading the following essay, answer the questions below it. People of Our Own by Yuko Sinnott "Don't rest your elbows on the table!" "Sit properly!" Throughout dinner, my mother used to police my behavior like a snake, gazing at a helpless frog. Naturally, I wasn't enjoying it as a child. However, if it weren't for her or any of my family, pointing out my bad manners, no one would have mentioned or even cared how I would grow up to be. It is family that expresses bottomless care for its members' well being. In the fiction, "Girl" (13), Jamaica Kincaid illustrates a typical mother that anticipates the best outcome for her teen daughter. The mother gives the daughter endless advice: from how to garden to how to be loved by a man. Despite the mother's passion to educate her daughter, the daughter appears to be too naive to comprehend the mother's point. Her naiveness is implied when she asks the mother "but what if the baker won't let me feel the bread?" (14) when the mother is through her guidance on how to be socially well received. Another example is "Flight" (Lessing 18). The story identifies the grandfather's struggle to let go of the granddaughter for her marriage. Lessing's description of the grandfather presents a fatherly figure who wants to keep his little girl at home forever, just like his birds in their cages. However, the grandfather leaves his ego behind for his granddaughter's happiness when he says to his favorite bird, "Now you can go" (20) and sets it free. It clearly expresses the grandfather's solitude and a breakup with the past to move forward. James Wright also conveys a mother's endless care for her deaf child in the poem "Mutterings over the Crib of a Deaf Child" (73). In the lines "how will he hear/how will he know" (lines 1 and 11), the mother already anticipates the future when her baby reaches his school age. She knows the hardships the son is destined to face. Yet, she is determined not to be swallowed by the inevitable outcome but to treat her son just like any other normal children. The three examples closely relate to the idea of family that voices infinite care for its members' welfare. However, the drama "Soul Gone Home" (Hughes 139) introduces a completely different view of family: a bitter mother and a resentful son. The hatred between them is so fierce that they even argue after his death when his spirit comes back temporarily from the dead world to deplore his mother. While he accuses his mother of his death because she didn't buy him milk and eggs to fight against TB, she blames him for destroying her numerous opportunities to remarry. Both the mother and the son are too disrupted to be fitted into a category of family. Who are you? Name E-mail 1. What is the moral or theme of this narrative? 2. What was the best part of the paper? Give the writer a good compliment. 3. What are the key words in the thesis? What kind of paper is it? In other words, is it a cause and effect? compare/contrast? a conglomeration of those? 4. Discuss the effectiveness of the introduction and ways to make it better. *Does it capture attention? *Does it use a quotation, fact or anecdote to create interest? *What would make it better? 5. Did the writing stop you because you were puzzled by grammar, punctuation or meaning? If so, where? 6. Are there enough examples given so that you understand the writer's point-of-view? Explain. 7. Point out any places where you felt bogged down or overwhelmed with information with WHEW! 8. Point out any places where information was not clearly presented or was inadequate with HUH? 9. Point out any terms that should be defined with A WHAT? 10. Are transitions used to help the ideas flow? Where do more transitions need to be used -- if any? 11 Any effective seminar paper has a culminating point, where the reader knows we are wrapping it up; this is sometimes called the climatic point. Identify the high point/climax with YES! 12. Discuss the effectiveness of the ending and ways to make it better. Does it leave you hanging? Is it too abrupt? Does it oversimplify the material? Does is fulfill the promise of the introduction 13. Are citations used in proper format? Is the Works Cited organized and in alphabetical order? (Use your Quick Access book to aid you with this.) family,father, mother, child, and love

Introduction_4

This essay begins with a quotation and and a comparrison of a short story and the writer's own life. It has a good start but gets a little confussing. The end of the paragraph was not clear

punctuation_5

Both punctuation and grammar at the end of the paragraph

details_6

yes

Whew_7

drama "Soul Gone Home" by this point I can't remember about the other works I read

unclear_8

Both the mother and the son are "too disrupted to be fitted into a category of family." What about the word disfunctional?

terms_9

solitude and a breakup with the past to move forward. how are solitude and breakup used here

Transitions_10

transition words in each pargraph would have added to the essay

Climatic_point_11

The three examples closely relate to the idea of family

conclude_12

leave off the last paragraph, it does not compare in any way with the other examples

MLA_13

not sure. What is Quick Access book?

change_14

I would give better example in introduction, leave off the last paragraph, and tie the closing to the introduction

comments

Contact_FullName:: kcommtsv
Contact_Email:: iditsr@ywpefc.com
Remote User:
Date:: 08/24/2010
Time:: 07:17:25 PM

Contents within this site are copyrighted by both the author of essays and/or Jan Strever.
The contents within these pages are solely those of the author and S.C.C.
should not be held responsible. ©1999-2009
Last revised: November 19, 2009 by Jan Strever -- jstrever@scc.spokane.edu
Personal site: http://www.js.spokane.wa.us/

Hit Counter