Contact_FullName:

Chris Arsenault

Contact_Email:

Arsentwo@aol.com

theme

There are stiil good people in this world.

best

It is someones real experience. It also gives the reader a hope for a better world also.

more work

I thought it was a good short story.

Introduction

Yes, it made me thingk that there was going to be a car accident. Something exciting was going to happen.

detail

Yes, I believe that that each paragraph has sufficent detail.

transitions

Yes, the story had a nice flow to the whole thing. They Author was not gjumping from subject to subject.

off topic

Well, there was the whole little Lion King movie scene. That could have been left out.

conclusion

Yes, it gives a good feeling that she got her perce back and that there are still honest people out int he world.

change?

The length of the paper would be longer. I would also include so imagery of looking back and seeing the perce on the ground.

comments

I liked this short story. It was refreshing to read. It makes me think of doing the right things in life.

Contact_FullName:

Amanda Dimuzio

Contact_Email:

mnmposse@aol.com

theme

I believe that the theme of this narrative is that we get so busy with your lives that it's important to take time out and think about the things you are doing because you may loose the things you need the most if you aren't paying attention.

best

The best about the essay is how personal it felt, because it happen to me before, losing my purse, and not slowing down to think about the things that I am doing in my life.

more work

The thing that needs more work is a little more descritption towards the end of the paper. Does really good in the begining, but slow down towards the end.

Introduction

Yes, everyone has a long drive somewhere, and it's always fun to here about other peoples long car drives.

detail

Most of the paragraphs in the story have specific detail, but I think detail should explain more about the store, and describe the man who brought the purse back.

transitions

Transitions where used very well to keep the flow of the story going.

off topic

I wasn't sure about the movies, and the little boy in the story.

conclusion

The conclusions gives a feeling of closure, because it makes a point of how she lost something and worried someone might take it, but in the end she could trust more people more often.

change?

If this were my essay, I would tell a little more about why I didn't trust someone to bring back my purse, give a reason why I worried.

comments

It was a good essay to read, and I felt that it keeped my attention very well, very intersting.

Contact_FullName:

Heidi

Contact_Email:

heidi-o1@juno.com

theme

I believe the moral of the story is that no matter how horrible conditions in the world may seem, we should never lose our faith in others. There is always someone out there who has a sense of morals, and who will return that missing purse.

best

I really liked her conversational tone. It made the essay more interesting to read.

more work

I think that maybe she could have gotten rid of some of the things that didn't have to do with the theme of her story, such as her son wanting to watch the Lion King.

Introduction

Yes, it does. It really gives you a sense of the setting, and also a better feel for the author.

detail

I felt that each paragraph contained enough specific detail to really make you feel what the author was going through, and her feelings at realizing the loss of her purse.

transitions

I think that the essay flowed very smoothly, and she did a good job with the transitions.

off topic

Like I mentioned earlier, I think that she could have left out the part about her son wanting to watch the Lion King, for the simple reason that it doesn't add anything to the story.

conclusion

Her conclusion really does give a good feeling of closure, because she doesn't use vague wording which just leaves you hanging, but there is a definite ending.

change?

I would just take out the unneeded information, but overall, it was really good.

comments

It was a really interesting essay, and her use of words really gave me a sense of the setting, and also her emotion.

Contact_FullName:

Erik Broderson

Contact_Email:

ib.eb.who.ub@worldnet.att.net

theme

That even though we may feel that it is time to give up on people in society, there are still many out there that do good. It is just that the attention goes to those that do bad.

best

The description of everything that is going on. Not only in her mind, but with her son and everythign else as well. I also like the "sidearm" comment in relation to her purse.

more work

When I read over this essay, everything seemed to flow together. I personally don't feel that it needs any more work.

Introduction

The intro engaged my interest because I too live out in the country and know how good it feels to make that last turn home - especially in the winter time.

detail

Each paragraph contains its pertinent detail and then moves on to the nest step in recovering her purse. Whether it was verifying her name with the store or her recount of how she retreived her purse the next day, each paragraph got its point across and then moved on.

transitions

I feel that transitions are used approriately in this writing. The main reason for that is that everything seems to flow together as you are reading it. I didn't have to reread any of the lines to try and make sense of what was going on.

off topic

The only thing that seemed off topic was the section on watching the Lion King, but that also helped put her evening into perspective. So, while it may have been off topic, it was an intricate part of this story since it helped create the picture.

conclusion

As far as her belief in people there is closure on how she will react and think in the future. The only aspect that is left up in the air is who was the honest gentleman?

change?

I feel that the essay was well written. I don't know if I would have changed anything if this were my essay. I too would have left out the profanity as I slid into the snow just as Lynn did, at least I think I would have.

comments

It just goes to show how our lives can be changed by and revolve around the smallest things in life. Because of her "purse," her evening was changed from a pleasant one of relaxing at home, to one filled with stress and anxiety.

Contact_FullName:

Mary Bolks

Contact_Email:

angel215@qwest.net

theme

The moral or them of this narrative is that there are still decent people in this world and that sometimes situations don't always turn out in the worst way one can imagine.

best

One of the best things about this essay is the use of descriptive words and the way the author uses those words to create a mental image.

more work

The conclusion needs more work. The author does a really wonderful job of developing the essay and telling the story, but then the story just ends.

Introduction

The introductioni does engage interest because it paints the mental picture. It leaves you wondering what is going on and what is going to happen.

detail

Most paragraph, especially at the beginning, contain specific details. Towards the end of the essay, the details start to dwindle and the essay ends.

transitions

It seems that there could be more transitions used. The paragraphs seem to jump from one day or one event to another very quickly. It isn't hard to follow the direction, there just doesn't seem to be much transition.

off topic

The information that seems to be off topic is the stuff about her son wanting to watch Disney movies and about her son being at her sisters all evening. I suppose the conversation with the people at the supermarket may be off topic, but I also think all this info adds some depth to the story. It adds more variables.

conclusion

The conclusion leaves me hanging in a way. It ends so abruptly that it feels as though the essay shouldn't be over yet. The author leaves the readers hanging about the man that returned the purse.

change?

If this were my essay, I would go back and work on my conclusion and my last few paragraphs. I would add some "beef" to my ending paragraphs and try to make the conclusion seem more final.

comments

I like the introduction, it makes me want to keep reading to find out more. The essay does begin to drift somewhat further in the essay though. But I still like the story, it made me happy.

Contact_FullName:

Ashley Stranberg

Contact_Email:

Smash058@AOL.com

theme

Even though things go wrong, everything will work out if you have a little faith.

best

The image it created in my mind. When she realized she had lost her purse and started to panic, my adreneline started flowing a little bit. I could feel what she was going through

more work

There could of been a little more detail when she was describing getting her purse back at Safeway.

Introduction

Yes. It caught my attention because I knew what if felt like to be glad you are home.

detail

Most of the paragraphs contained a sentance or two describing her thought that everything might not work out or that everthing might not be in her purse. The last paragraph is really the only one that has a "positive" outlook on things.

transitions

The last couple of sentances "shaped" (so to say) the things that were said in the next paragraph.

off topic

The information about her son wanting to watch "The Lion King" seemed a little off topic to me.

conclusion

Yes it does. The conclusion closed the story by reminding us that things do end up working out and this situation had a happy ending.

change?

Nothing really. Just maybe a little more detail in some places.

comments

This was a good story.

Contact_FullName:

Jacob Walters

Contact_Email:

rem@bluemail.cc

theme

Real life situations, I suppose. Not entirely sure.

best

The writier gives a lot of information about what is happening and what she is feeling at any given time. Knowing what is happening in real-time as well as what she is thinking adds an intrest to an otherwise boring subject.

The essay also has good structure and transition. Each sentence furthers the story as it should, and she does not go off on tangents about stuff that does not pertain to the subject matter. The essay also transitions from each paragraph to the next quite well. There is no "jumping" around, as each new paragraph picks up where the other one left off, and provides more detail on the part.

more work

I don't think there is anything that would need any work. It seems to be solid written essay.

Introduction

Of course. I too know the feeling of panic by losing something of this nature (allow not a purse). This essay made me recall the time that I lost my wallet that contained several hundred dollars in cash, and when found, was still intact.

detail

Yes. Each paragraph gives you a sense of where she is, and what is running through her mind at that moment.

transitions

Yes, the writier uses transitions very well, so well in fact, that in reading it through the first time you really don't even notice. Unless your looking for them, of course.

off topic

I thought that the part where she saw the headlights as she was looking in the trunk was quite pointless. I do not see how that added anything to the story. When I read it the first time, I asked myself "What does this have to do with anything?"

conclusion

Yes. I suppose it's nice to know that she found her purse and all contents were intact, thus ending her "episode".

change?

The part about the purse. I think carrying a purse is a little to feminine for me.

comments

Your the best teacher ever! :)

Contact_FullName:

Saul Schimmels

Contact_Email:

kazumohellsshado@aol.com

theme

The moral of the narrative is the majority people are not that bad and we shouldn't be so quick to judge.

best

The best part of the essay is the conclusion because the woman realized that although she had bad expierences in the past not every experience will be.

more work

The introduction needs work because it didn't grab my attention.

Introduction

No, the introduction didn't interest me because it needs to be a little more flamboient.

detail

As far as I noticed all the paragraphs did contain specific detail.

transitions

Yes, they are. The essay flows quite smoothly.

off topic

I didn't notice any material that was off topic.

conclusion

Yes, her experience has renewed her faith in mankind.

change?

If this were my essay I would change the entire thing to accmodate my writing techniques and creativity.

comments

Contact_FullName:

Jenny Hopson

Contact_Email:

krlibr@aol.com

theme

The moral or theme of this narrative is that not all people are bad. Their are honest people out there and the purse incident renewed her faith in man kind.

best

The best part of the essay is how the writer keeps your attention. I have a low attention span but this story kept my attention because of all the emotions and fear. I wanted to find out if she would find her purse.

more work

Well, maybe some work on the grammer. Some of the sentences were confusing.

Introduction

I would change the intro. It doesn't garb my attention and I think it should give you an idea of what the story is about.

detail

The paragraph where she pulls into her driveway doesn't really have a point. I think that could be taken out.

transitions

Yes transition are used. I think the story flows very well.

off topic

The Lion King really is off topic but thats it.

conclusion

Yes, it sums up the story and gives you a reason for the story.

change?

The only thing I would change is the intro and I would take out the paragragh about the driveway.

comments

I liked the story and the moral of it. I'm glad it had a happy ending.

Contact_FullName:

Tracy Dow

Contact_Email:

tedtalk@aol.com

theme

The moral or theme of this narrative story is the kindness of strangers. In this story it would be the stranger that returned her purse to the Safeway that she left it in.

best

What I think is best about this essay is that it is a true story. The author used good descriptive words that painted a picture in your mind of what was happening.

more work

I think what could use more work is trying to stick to what is important to include and not details that don't have much importance to the main idea, for expample the"Lion King" does not relate to the lady having her purse stolen.

Introduction

I believe that the introduction engages interest. I was engaged by it because I can relate to that feeling of relaxation when your alomst home after a long drive.

detail

I think each paragraph contains speific detail. The author may have wanted to add more detail to the conlusion.

transitions

I think that transitions are used well to help the ideas flow. The author may have wanted to use more between when she talks about watching the "Lion King" and when she is driving to Safeway the next day.

off topic

The only information that seems a little off topic would be about the movie the "Lion King". I'm not sure what that has to do with her losing her purse.

conclusion

I think the author's conclusion gives a feeling a closure. I feel like it ties up her feelings of the situation she has gone through.

change?

I think I would not include the part about the "Lion King", and maybe add a little more to the conclusion.

comments

I think this is a well written paper. It keeps the readers attention the whole way through. I think a lot of people who read this could relate this to their own lives.

Contact_FullName:

Jenny Hopson

Contact_Email:

krlibr@aol.com

theme

The moral or theme of this narrative is that not all people are bad. Their are honest people out there and the purse incident renewed her faith in man kind.

best

The best part of the essay is how the writer keeps your attention. I have a low attention span but this story kept my attention because of all the emotions and fear. I wanted to find out if she would find her purse.

more work

Well, maybe some work on the grammer. Some of the sentences were confusing.

Introduction

I would change the intro. It doesn't garb my attention and I think it should give you an idea of what the story is about.

detail

The paragraph where she pulls into her driveway doesn't really have a point. I think that could be taken out.

transitions

Yes transition are used. I think the story flows very well.

off topic

The Lion King really is off topic but thats it.

conclusion

Yes, it sums up the story and gives you a reason for the story.

change?

The only thing I would change is the intro and I would take out the paragragh about the driveway.

comments

I liked the story and the moral of it. I'm glad it had a happy ending.

Contact_FullName:

Rachel Garnett

Contact_Email:

Rgarnett80@aol.com

theme

It seems to be that one item, such as your purse, could be an enormous part of one's life.

best

She was able to recall and write the emotions and the way she felt at the time of the incident. She gave me, the reader, a real feel for what she had lost.

more work

The introduction. I dont feel as though it gives much insight to the paper.

Introduction

No, not really. I think if she were to have a longer intoduction with more details, it would have been better.

detail

I believe that each one does. Each paragragh describes what she was doing and her emotions.

transitions

Yes. Each one leads into the actions of the next paragraph.

off topic

She said how her little boy wanted to watch the "Lion King" and she said it was one of the many Disney films. Also, that her purse was so big how could she have missed it.

conclusion

Yes, because it shows how she got the purse all intact.

change?

I probably wouldn't have the actual conversation between the store clerk and me, nor the one between my mother and I, in direct quotes.

comments

Overall, the paper was well written. Her anxiety that she expressed gave me the sense of her loss. I got lost when she wrote about her faith in human

Contact_FullName:

adam g

Contact_Email:

spokane23@hotmail.com

theme

i thought the theme of the story was that there are people out there who are trustworthy.

best

iwould say all the anxiety she felt as she drove all the way home only to find out that her purse was found.

more work

maybe explain more in depth why she thought people in the world were untrustworthy.give some personal examples maybe she thought that way

Introduction

iwould say yes because it was leading me to something i didn't know.how the story was stated by saying "it"usually means something is gonna happen so automatically i got curious as a reader to read.

detail

no could of talked more about what kind of person she was,more the setting.maybe more on the mother.she said it was luck.maybe got her point of view also.

transitions

i'd say when change in mood,surprising changes and thing to change to rythem of story.

off topic

maybe the going up the driveway.that didn't have much on the mood of the story

conclusion

i would say yes,she started out in a good relaxed mood,then got really stressed out when couldn't find the purse.later found out that the purse was found.so she calmed down again

change?

honestly i thought the essay was pretty good written.as the reader it kept me into the story.i could feel what she was going thru because last week i lost my social security card and drivers license at the market and i was worried and then they told me they found it and i was relieved.

comments

none at this time,

Contact_FullName:

Mandy Claflin

Contact_Email:

flutterbyy@onebox.com

theme

I think this essay proved a point and the point being that sometimes, in the end, everything does end up ok. This women was worried about everything but it all worked itself out.

best

Lynn Holen is a very emotional writer and through her experience, she was able to pour her feelings out on the paper. While I was reading her paper I felt when she was frightened, relieved, and eventually giddy! She is able to visually and mentaly take you along for the ride that she is writing about.

more work

Although the essay was very good, it seemed a bit choppy to read at times. My only suggestion would be to smooth out her topic sentences and not let her paragraphs be as rigged.

Introduction

The introduction didn't intrest me at first but did later on as I kept reading. It just wasn't as captivating as the rest of her paper was.

detail

Yes and no, Some of what she had to say was filled with detail and emotion while other parts she seemed to kind of skim through.

transitions

Transitions are a very important part in the writing process! They can make or break your paper. I think she needs better transitions throughout her whole paper, but over all, she still did a very good job.

off topic

She kept mentioning her son wanting to watch a movie and other details like her mom taking her to the store that seemed unimportant.

conclusion

Yes, because she gets her purse back and all is well in her world.

change?

I don't know. I probably wouldn't have written an essay in the same format that she used.

comments

nope :)

Contact_FullName:

Denise Albrecht

Contact_Email:

threeangeldoxie@qwest.net

theme

The moral of the narrative is, don't panic when you are in a difficult situation. People are usually more decent than we are led to believe by all of the horror stories on the news.

best

The essay goves enough detail to fully understand her feelings in the situation. It helps us relate to her plight. We have all been in the same situationat one time or another.

more work

The introductory paragraph needs to be more substantial. It doesn't focus enough on the issues that are ahead.

Introduction

It did not engage me right away. It made me think of the times when I am returning from a long trip, but did not make me want to read further until I finished the second paragraph.

detail

Every paragraph does contain a specific detai.

transitions

The first paragraph does not lead very well into the second. The author jumps from being relieved to be almost home, to her son being at her sister's house.

off topic

The many atempts to get into the driveway did not seem necessary.

conclusion

It does give the feeling of closure because she states how it has affected her life in situations that she finds herself in after losing her purse.

change?

I would make the opening paragraph stronger.

comments

I can really relate to her plight. I have been in a similar situation and know all of the feelings that she is describing and how true they really are.

Contact_FullName:

Suzanne Witter

Contact_Email:

suzannewitter@hotmail.com

theme

I think the theme is that you can trust in human kind more than we are led to believe.

best

I think the descriptions of the lady's actions and emotions are the best thing about this essay. They are very vivid, and put me right in the moment.

more work

The one thing that was hard for me about this essay was the strong emotion the woman felt about misplacing her purse. We all feel a annoyed and irritated when we misplaced our wallet or purses, but her response was just a little too strong for me to believe. The lady in the story seemed to be seriously over-reacting. At first, because of her reaction, I thought she'd misplaced her son!

Introduction

Yes, the introduction engages my interest. I like the way the essay starts right in the middle of the action, and I, again, appreciated the discriptive style of the writer.

detail

The paragraph where the clerk at the store says they need a special code to dial out doesn't add any pertinent details to the story. It can be omitted without taking away from the essay.

transitions

I think a better transition is needed at the beginning of paragraph 4. She's looking in her trunk and then she's suddenly driving down the road again. Simply inserting the words "I climbed back into my car" (...and resumed driving down the road) would help this transition.

off topic

The clerk talking about needing a code to dial long distance.

conclusion

Yes. Because the experience has given her something--solved an issue of trust for her.

change?

I would whittle it down a bit. It seemed to go on longer than it needs to. The lady in the story feels too much emotion for the simple loss of a purse. Her emotion either needs to be minimized, or we need to understand WHY she's responding so drastically. Is that $150 dollars is all the money she has to her name? Is it her rent money? Grocery money? Her reaction needs more motivation.

comments

I think her relief being compared to home robbery is effective but over written. And forms of the word "relief" occur too much in the essay. I suggest coming up with other words to describe this emotion.

Contact_FullName:

Luba K

Contact_Email:

mishle@hotmail.com

theme

We should't lose all our trust in mankind, because there are people out there that we can depend on in life.

best

She gave alot of detail about her feelins and what was going through her mind.I could feel what she was going through.

more work

I truly don't know.I think she did a good job.

Introduction

The into does engage your intrest,when she mentions that her purse is missing.

detail

Most of the paragraphs do give specific detail, but the ones where she speaks don't.

transitions

Transitions are used adequetly.

off topic

Not realy,maybe about the movies her son wanted to watch.

conclusion

Yes it does.It restores your trust in mankind.

change?

No I wouldn't, it was done well.

comments

None.

Contact_FullName:

Amber  Burnett

Contact_Email:

arburnett2001@aol.com

theme

The moral is that their are both good and bad people in this world and people should not pass judgement too eagerly. The women lost her purse and was very pesamistic about someone turning it in.

best

The best part was the emotions portrayed by the women in the essay. I have experienced the same thing and I too was panick stricken. The detail made me feel how scared she was about losing all of her private belongings.

more work

More detail about her emotions at the time that she recovered her purse would have been more descriptive.

Introduction

Yes. The setting was described as cold and icy which made the mood of the essay tense. The part of the essay where she is on the phone and her little boy is talking to her in the background gave a hectic feeling to the scene.

detail

The last three paragraphs don't seem to have the descriptive detail as the rest of the essay.

transitions

I think the transitions worked well in this essay.

off topic

The little boy asking to watch the Lion King.

conclusion

Yes. It gave the moral of the essay and included her feelings about honest people.

change?

I would use more detail in each paragraph to keep the reader's interest. I would incorporate more description about going to the grocery store and how she felt.

comments

Contact_FullName:

Jodi Thompson

Contact_Email:

Jowondergirl@juno.com

theme

A family encompasses the same basic rules and needs as strong and grounded house; the father is the provider for his family, sort of like the brick, but it is the mother who holds the responsibility of teaching right from wrong, and they are the ones who keep strong when everything else is going wrong. This is the theme of "The Foundation of Family" by Rachel Garnett.

best

I think the quotes are explained well with supporting details.

more work

Quotes dominate the first paragraph. There needs to be more of the person's own thoughts and less quotations.

Introduction

The introduction engaged my interest because they used a thought-provoking analogy.

detail

The last paragraph contains details, but they don't support the main idea of the paragraph. The main idea focuses on the mother; yet, the details support the father.

transitions

There are a few transition sentences used around quotes, but more transitions need to be used between paragraphs.

off topic

Everything in the last paragraphy is off topic. It begins speaking about the mother's love and ends talking about the father drinking alcohol.

conclusion

There is no feeling of closure at the end because the conclusion doesn't relate back to the thesis.

change?

I would rewrite the enitre last paragraph so that it relates to the main idea and I would drop a few of the quotes.

comments

More transitions as well as more detailed explanations focusing on the thesis would make this paper flow better.

Contact_FullName:

Carol Clausen

Contact_Email:

clau3sen@aol.com

theme

It is divorced mother whom herself was brought up in a single family home. The mother in GIRL is try to prepare her daughter for womanhood and to not make the same mistakes she has learned the hard way.

best

Paragraph 1 (37)? Mothers feel that they do have certain obligations to mold there children. This is true, and often even if there is a father in the home the father feels it's the mothers position to mold the kids. I know this because I myself have carried the molding of our daughters life, with little input.

more work

The last paragraph was very vague. About his father whether he was abused or not.

Introduction

Yes, I like how they compare bricks and cement to the mother and the father.

detail

Paragraph 3 (line 14-16) lacks information on the boy and the trouble he is having.Paragraph 4 (77 Line 9-10)who was it holding his hand?

transitions

The 4th paragraph (line 2) between heal. and The role of the father, I think they should use a transition there or start a different paragraph.

off topic

The 4th paragraph starting at "My Papa's Waltz" seems to throw the story off.

conclusion

No, They close talking about alcohol then they swith to how mothers can do everything without no help.

change?

I would have left out the 4th paragraph and had closure in the 3rd paragraph.

comments

Being a single parent is very stressful, we have to be wise with the ideas we instill in our children. If you are to harsh it may backfire. Honesty and trust between a mother and daughter is a must. Communicate at the level they can understand, and don't take out your mistakes on them and thier feelings.Be open to thier ideas also!

Contact_FullName:

Shauna Rae Garinger

Contact_Email:

Shauna_rae_garinger@yahoo.com

theme

That the mother is the Foundation.

best

There are references to the authors own life and the quotations are aptly placed and follow with what is being said.

more work

This author doesn't explain too well about fathers not needing to be in a childs life. There needs to be more of an explanation about that.

Introduction

Yes because I wanted to see how the author would justify what was said.

detail

The last paragraph seems... hurried. Rushed maybe, and that there is a lack of detail.

transitions

Yes but not very well. Transitions should be at the end of a paragraph and even at the begining of the next, so as to clarify even better that a new topic is sliding in.

off topic

The stuff about the father at the end seems to have come out of no where. Esspecially the part about the alcohol. That was the first time it was mentioned.

conclusion

No. It feels like the author stopped short. Maybe that was so they could make it into a word limit?

change?

I would start over. I would restructure it so that it would flow better. I would work the father into the second half of each paragraph if possible. I would either elaborate or completely cut out the part about the alcohol, and finally I would make the conclusion stronger.

comments

I can't spell, and I don't have a dictionary with me, sorry. :)

Contact_FullName:

Sarah Southard

Contact_Email:

IrishDamsel1@aol.com

theme

I believe it was the roles that parents play in our lives to provide a stable foundation while we are growing up.But in todays' society, not everybody belongs to a conventional family and one parent might have to take on both roles to provide the foundation.

best

I liked the way she started out by talking about what you need to build a strong house, and then made reference to how a father and mother have similiar roles to build a strong family foundation.

more work

Maybe it is just from personal experience, but I don't think it is only a mother that can heal, take care of, or provide love to a child. I would want to know if she has ever read poems about the father who was the whole foundation for a child growing up. Since she was writing about a personal experience, I would have say that there really is nothing that needs more work.

Introduction

Yes, because I think it really stages you for what is to come in the rest of the paper.

detail

I think each paragraph contains specific detail, but I think the second paragraph was her strongest, because she used lots of lines from a poem to support her point.

transitions

For me, her paper flowed nicely. I was able to read it through. I didn't have to keep going back and re-reading anything. So I would say no, no more transitions are needed.

off topic

I don't think there was really anything off topic, but in the last paragraph I think she should have left all her comments about her own family experience until the very end. I think it would have made for a stronger finish.

conclusion

I don't think there really is any closure. You can tell she had been hurt when she was younger and I think that it came through in her writing to make me feel as if there wasn't closure.

change?

The author wrote this essay because it was a personal experience. If I had wrote this paper the whole thing probably would have been different based on the fact that I had both parents while I was growing up.

comments

Contact_FullName:

lacey rickey

Contact_Email:

bunnyfufu02@hotmail.com

theme

The theme is showing that mothers to can play both roles (mom and dad) in a single parent home.

best

the way that the writer puts all the example in to the piece of work. the examples really help you understand the poems also. It really helps show what the point is that she is trying to get across.

more work

i really countdnt see any part that really need more work. the writer seemed to elaberant very well in all her points.

Introduction

Yes because fisrt she starts off with building a house with brick and cement then moves on to how a family is built the same way. it really pulled me in.

detail

The two paragraghs that talk mom to daughter and father to child have great detail. the olther paragragh mom to son could use some more.

transitions

I think all the transtions sounded good. I would not change them.

off topic

The only information that seemed to be off topic to me was the paragragh about the father. i thought that this essay was mainly pointing on single mothers. so the father paragragh threw me off but i can also see where she was coming from.

conclusion

Not really. I think more can be said in the closing about mothers doin well on there own.

change?

I would only partly change the ending paragragh. I wouldnt dewell so much on the father and stay focused with the single mother issue.

comments

Not that I can think of.

Contact_FullName:

Jolyne Purvis

Contact_Email:

jpurvis180@hotmail.com

theme

A mother plays a very strong, dominant and essential role in her family.

best

Quotes from the stories--She used great support for each point

more work

Word usage seems to be elementary and her conclusion is the same paragraph as her personal response. Also, her topic sentences don't flow with the thesis.

Introduction

Not really. It was hard to follow her thinking pattern, but in some areas she pointed out the obvious (introduction and last paragraph)instead of letting the reader.

detail

The second and third are well supported, but the fourth needs some work.

transitions

Transitions are okay. The fourth paragraph could use a different topic sentence.

off topic

Yes, the father and the brick

conclusion

No. She brought in a new topic of drinking alcohol and how that relates to her, but with no closure.

change?

I would start over... maybe keeping the theses and some of the quotes.

comments

This looks like maybe a first draft, but not a final draft for sure!

Contact_FullName:

John Nunnelee

Contact_Email:

exavier_44@hotmail.com

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:

Contact_Email:

theme

A strong brick and cement house in relation to a family.

best

It ia all of the quots in the paper. This backs up the points and tells what the poem is about.

more work

She ends the paper saying that fathers are no longer needed yet her facts only back the point of a mothers interaction with her children. It has nothing to do with what father "figures" do.

Introduction

Yes, the intro caught my attention. I liked how she connected the bricks and the house to the foundation of a family.

detail

Yes, they do quotes in all except the intro.

transitions

Yes, the transitions were good with topic sentences at the beginning at the paragraphs. It didn't jump around.

off topic

The closure about the father figures. She didn't talk about fathers before that.

conclusion

No it made me question the writer and not in a good way.

change?

The closure, other than that I liked the paper.

comments

Contact_FullName:

Michael Droppers

Contact_Email:

mjd73142edv@aol.com

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:

Stef Freatman

Contact_Email:

baybeeboo27@yahoo.com

theme

Rachel's thesis is about the foundations of families, and how the father is usually only a "brick" or provider, and usually the mother is left to teacher the children right from wrong.

best

I enjoyed how Rachel used a house as a metaphor for a family, and how she backed up all of her information with lines from each poem.

more work

The only thing I can think Rachel needed to improve was that she repeated herself a few times.

Introduction

The intro does engage my interest. This is because she used the house as a symbol for a family then went on to explain it.

detail

Just about every paragraph has some specific detail. She did a great job with backing up her thesis. The only thing she did was repeat herself - especially in the last paragraph.

transitions

The transitions are written very well, but some are used more than once. The last paragraph's transition could have been re-worded.

off topic

I think Rachel stayed on topic throughout the whole paper.

conclusion

I believe the last few lines give closer. This is because she restated her thesis, then came out and said that woman really can do for themselves, without a father around.

change?

If this was my essay, I would probably re-word a few lines, just to make it so I wasn't repeating myself.

comments

Good example of a seminar :)

Contact_FullName:

Nicole Knott-Allen

Contact_Email:

S0cerprincess@yahoo.com

theme

The theme of "The Foundation of Family" is how the a parent is a brick for the family. She mainly focuses on how the mother is more of a brick than the father is. She also talks about how mothers are the ones who shape their children into repected adults.

best

The best thing about this paper is how she uses quotes to enhance her oppinion of this paper. She uses the quotes to her advantage. It makes the paper seem more together.

more work

I think her ending needs a little more work. Her intro and body are very strong but her ending seems to fall a little flat and her personal experience is just a little out of the blue.

Introduction

The intro engages my interest because I want to know what it is all going to come to.

detail

Yes I think each paragraph contains specific details she draws quotes and personal experiences inot each paragraph to make it more her own.

transitions

I think for the most part her transitions flow. The only place I do not think her transition flows is at the end. She goes from the poem to her personal experience to quickly.

off topic

The alcoholism is a little out of the blue.

conclusion

A little but she could have been a little more firm

change?

Her ending.

comments

I like this paper a lot.

Contact_FullName:

Brad Hoffman

Contact_Email:

haloontop2002@yahoo.com

theme

Mothers play a very strong, dominant and essential role in families.

best

The paper seems to be very strong in the quotes from the poems and they are well intrepreted. The message of the need for mothers is very strong.

more work

Some of the sentences need to be cleared up.

Introduction

I think the introduction was done fairly well. It was interesting because it states the neccesities in a home.

detail

The paragraphs have a lot of quotes and not that much reflection. The author states her biased ideas and leaves them at that.

transitions

Some of the paragaphs begin with good transitions statements but more need to be used at the end of the paragraphs.

off topic

Everything seems to be on the topic.

conclusion

There is no conclusion.

change?

I would fix some gramatical errors and write a conclusion.

comments

It seems as if her past has effected her opinion on men. She states, "nowadays, mothers can raise children on their own and they do not need the father figure around for any type of help". She also states, "The role of the father in a family is not such a strong one". Every mother and father bring specific strengths to the raising of families. Because of the fact that in the author's past, no man has filled the role as a father it has effected her. Men need to take responsibility for their role in families. Overall the paper was pretty well done.

Contact_FullName:

Michelle Messling

Contact_Email:

mmessling@icehouse.net

theme

" A mother plays a very strong, dominant, and essential role in her family.

best

It talks about different pieces of literature and how they all show how important a parent' slove is and relates to the opening paragraph.

more work

I think she needs to work better on saying bias comments, and fix up the conclusion paragraph.

Introduction

Not too much. It just seems a little blane, and dull. There is no "attention grabber" that jumps out at me.

detail

Yes, quotes are used in each paragraph, maybe each story seem real.

transitions

There needs to be a transition very badly in the last paragraph. She jumps from one topic to the other.Transitions are good eleswhere.

off topic

Yes, the last paragraph goes from a mother being the foundation to alcoholism in parents'.She didn't use transitions very well.

conclusion

No, because it ventures off the topic sentence, and the the theme of her essay.

change?

Personally, I don't even agree with her comments. I think that a father is a very important part of a child's life. A mother can be a bad parent and she put a little too much of a biased opinion into the writing.

comments

Yes, I read the poem "Girl" and i feel that her comments are not what the poem symolizes and represents. The poem, I feel, shows how a girl can be overwhelmed and can never feel like they will live up to her mother's expectations. I feel it contradicts what she wrote.

Contact_FullName:

Jen Dibble

Contact_Email:

Jen_Dibble@hotmail.com

theme

The theme of this piece is that the father and/or mother is the foundation. They are the ones that teach their children, what a good example would looks like from a father and/or mother.

best

The best thing about the seminar paper is the fact that she talks about the mother as the foundation. I say that only because I think that mothers often don't get enough credit for what they do for their family.

more work

I don't really know, I think that it was written well, anything that I thought needed more work or I didn't agree with, relates to the different questions.

Introduction

Yes, the introduction engages my interest because I find peoples opinions interesting. I also think that she does a nice job writing the intro. The intro. is so important to any type of paper, it is what draw people in and I personally think that she did a good job.

detail

Yes, in each paragraph she is talking about something specific. In each paragraph she keeps to what her main point at the beginning was, and hits some major points.

transitions

Yes, I see that transitions are used to help the flow, but I also think in the last paragraph she could have used more. When she was talking about her father and grandfather and then went right into the poem. There needed to be someone transition in that specific part.

off topic

No, she seemed to stay on her topics quite well in my opinion. Overall I felt that she did a good job on this seminar paper.

conclusion

No, I feel like some of the things that were said aren't true. Like for example, that "nowadays mothers can raise children on their own and do not need the father figure around for any type of help." I strongly believe no matter how strong the mother is you still need the father figure around, just for the child's sake. I also feel that the whole poem about the drunk fathers didn't need to be in there.

change?

If this was my essay I would have probably changed how she worded some things. I also think that when she is talkin about the mothers role in her daughters life and how she needs to be always be doing things lady-like. Which that is true, I am a tomboy and if my mom was always telling me to do things more lady-like I would be more upset. I do think that we need to know when to act like a lady and when we can do other things. I just don't think that is a huge part of it and I dont think I would have dwelled on that for a whole paragraph.

comments

Nope, I'm satisfied, thanks though.

Contact_FullName:

Josh Kerns

Contact_Email:

josh@shopspokane.com

theme

The theme of this paper seems to be about family and what is needed to have a strong bond in a family.

best

I really liked the first few lines of the paper how she related a house to a family and how they are both held together.

more work

The paper had some spots in it where the wrong word is chosen or left out.

Introduction

Yes, I like how she relates a house to a family that was very good. But as the paper goes on it strays from the introduction. She says how both parents are needed in the introduction, but then says how only a mother is needed.

detail

I believe each paragraph contained specific detail, she had examples from the stories and her family.

transitions

I don't think the ideas flow very well in this paper because the introduction does not match up with the rest of the paper, the idea on what makes a family changes.

off topic

The paper seems to off topic unless the introduction is removed. The introduction just does not have the same idea as the rest of the paper.

conclusion

I don't think the conclusion gives closure because again the thesis of the paper does not go along with the paper. The thesis says both parents are needed, then the paper says only one is needed.

change?

I would either change the introduction of this paper or the body paragraphs.

comments

Contact_FullName:

Shannon Roe

Contact_Email:

sroe32770@aol.com

theme

In current times mothers play a very key role in the foundation of a family.

best

The author quotes many parts of the poem to reiterate or enforce her view.

more work

I found myself kind of drifting off through out the body of the paper. It could have been written a little more to the point.

Introduction

The topic does, so does the anaology to the house. The thesis statement couls have been worded a little stronger.

detail

I saw specific points made in each paragraph I just had some problems figuring out exactly where a couple of them were headed.

transitions

I saw the transition sentences, but I think that maybe where I was having problems, if they had been a little stronger, the rest may have seemed more clear.

off topic

Towards the end of the paper, instead of strenghthing her point, she adds a poem that contradicts it.

conclusion

It felt sort of open ended, I understood what she meant, but I think it was the above mentioned entry that threw it off.

change?

I would write the thesis statement differently, put in stronger transitional sentences, and at the end of the paper I would restate my points to strengthen my thesis statement.

comments

Contact_FullName:

John Nunnelee

Contact_Email:

exavier_44@hotmail.com

theme

The thesis or theme for "The Foundation of FAmily," is something along the lines of how each family member (Mother, Father, etc.) has a part in holding or supporting the family unit.

best

I found that I could really relate to the writiers distaste for her father. I would agree that the mother is the one that holds the strong role, and the father was just there for a short time, working, and treating his family horribly. Please excuse my contempt in the analogy

more work

This may sound a bit hypicritical after reading the first sentance, but I think that the write should have tried to focus a little less on the single parent aspect of family, and a little more on a shared family experience. Though she may not have had many, I'm sure she had had friends or family members that had had both parents while growing up.

Introduction

Well, it does in a sense engage my interest, but to be bluntly honest, at first i thought that I was going to read something that invloved buiding a house.

detail

Each paragraph contains specific detail pertaining to the topic, of family's. I didn't notice any week paragraphs.

transitions

Transitions are very strong in this paper. For instance, on the last paragraph, when the writer begins to quote (Roethke) "My papas waltz," she sas that the father is a hard worker, but that the wife looks at him in contempt... which to me, sort of contradicts her arguement about the father figure being a loser who just walks out on the family, but I may be reading this wrong.

off topic

Hey, here's the question. The last paragraph is out of place, it contradicts the writers arguement of the single mother family. Yet, it does have a little to do with FAMILY in general.

conclusion

Well, no. The writer just basically wrote a paper about her own experiences, but what the paper (to me) should be about, is the family, everyone. She just seems to be complaining, and quoting the poems. I really hope I'm not sounding to ignorent when I say that.

change?

I have had the same experiences (except for the alchohal) but I sould have included more about my father. Although he was hardly there, I learned a lot from his cowerdice and learned how to be a better person from his petty personality.

comments

Contact_FullName:

Jessica Fancy

Contact_Email:

theme

The role a mother plays when the father is non existant.

best

it has a lot of good supporting detail. It makes the point clear.

more work

some of the sentences are choppy. doesnt flow as well in some spots.

Introduction

yes. I like the comparison to the way a house is built.

detail

they all seem to have good supporting detail

transitions

not in all the paragraphs. from the end of the 2nd paragraph to the begining of the 3rd it doesnt really lead into it.

off topic

The alcohol

conclusion

not really. it kind of starts on another topic, an alcoholic family member

change?

the flow of the paragraphs and the conclusion

comments

overall it is a pretty good paper

Contact_FullName:

Dana Nicholson

Contact_Email:

jotaedo@aol.com

theme

Therefore a mother plays a very strong, dominant, and essential role in her family.

best

What I found best about her seminar paper was that Rachel had used examples to help support her points.

more work

The paper needs better proff reading because it has a few errors in it. I also think that she has a weak arguement against a fathers role being so little in a family.

Introduction

The introduction engaged my interest only because I was curious as to what her opinion was on the different roles of a mother and a father in a family. I also wanted to see how she followed up on her comparison of a brick and cement to a building as to a father and a mother in a family.

detail

Each paragraph does contain detail relating to her topic. There are no complete paragraphs that I believe do not contain detail.

transitions

She does use transitions to help her paragraphs flow together. There needs to be a better transition from the 3rd paragraph to the 4th paragraph. The 4th paragraph needs more transitions to link her sentences and help them flow better.

off topic

In the 4th paragraph she jumps into talking about alcohol and her opinion of a mother and or father who drinks. It does not strengthen her essay or relate to her topic so much.

conclusion

No, I believe her conclusion draws up a completly new arguement to be debated. To end with such a statement and such a lack of facts does not compliment her essay one bit.

change?

I would stick to talking about how strong of a role a mother plays in a family and back it up with more facts, rather than explaining how unimportant a fathers role is in a family. I feel she weakens her paper by doing so.

comments

I think that her essay has a great deal to be debated. I respect that she has an opinion and feels the way that she does based on her experiences, but she should not try and turn her own opinion into something factual over such a broad range of families.

Contact_FullName:

Marcie Gervais

Contact_Email:

mgervais@cet.com

theme

The theme was in the concluding sentence of the first paragraph."Therefore, a mother plays a very strong, dominant, and essential role in her family.

best

The quotes that the author used sustain her thesis and her argument that mothers try and teach their daughters right from wrong.

more work

Transitions words would help the paper flow better. Also, the conclusion paragraph didn't tie into the rest of the paper. She was talking about the mothers role the first 3 paragraphs, and then the concluding one she talks about the father and alcohol etc...

Introduction

Yes, the introduction caught my interest right away. She used a good analogy with the house, brick and cement.

detail

The first 2 paragragh contained alot of detail. She used examples out of the essay. The concluding paragraph needs more work.

transitions

Their were no transitional words in the body of the essay. That is where I would include them.

off topic

The last paragraph seems to be off topic. She talks about the mothers role most of the essay. Then the concluding paragraph she talks about the father.

conclusion

No the conclusion does not give a feeling of closure. I liked the first sentence in the last paragraph. She should of expanded a little more on that idea.

change?

I would change the last paragraph to fit in the essay. Transitional words in the body of the essay would help it flow better.

comments

It was a good essay. The ending needed some work.

Contact_FullName:

Matt Hoyt

Contact_Email:

m1speedy@yahoo.com

theme

It is about the structure of the family and how it doesn't need a father figure to function.

best

The referances to the works of poetry are the best parts of this seminar. The quality and number of referances make this paper very convincing.

more work

The grammer and structure of this paper need some work. There are many stumbles in grammer such as near the end where she says an alcohol, if when dicides, and the mother the foundation. The structure is also weak as there is no clear begining or ending to the ideas. no Entry and exit sentences in the paragraph.

Introduction

Yes because all families ar a little disfunctional, so I belive that everyone can relate to the subject.

detail

Yes, strong point.

transitions

No the transitions into and out of th paragrapgare missing.

off topic

no

conclusion

no, the Paper is very one sided. It doesnt give good details into the fathers aspect of the situation.

change?

I would give more of the father,s situation and let the readers decide for themselves what position they want to take up in the arguement.

comments

Contact_FullName:

Jolyne Purvis

Contact_Email:

jpurvis180@hotmail.com

theme

Please check the comment section!

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Isn't this the same feedback exercise as last week? Do we have a different one each week?

Contact_FullName:

Jolyne Purvis

Contact_Email:

jpurvis180@hotmail.com

theme

Please check the comment section!

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Isn't this the same feedback exercise as last week? Do we have a different one each week?

Contact_FullName:

Brittany TeBeau

Contact_Email:

buttercup_1_2000@yahoo.com

theme

This Story is about how a mother plays a very strong, dominant, and essential role in her family.

best

I think that the best part of this paper is that the author is recognizing how important the woman's role is in a family. So many times the woman is overlooked because she doesn't have a job or is too busy to get one. But in all reality, she has the most important job in the world. Just think, what would the world be like without mothers?

more work

I think that she needs to make this piece a little more lively. It states everything it needs too but it just feels like it goes on and on with out any feeling. That is the only thing I would change.

Introduction

The introduction did not engage my interest because it did not say anything special. There was that part about the bricks and the symbolism but in all reality, who really cares about a couple of bricks? If I were writing this paper I would say something like how the family is compared to a rollercoaster. If you put it together wrong, it could completely fall apart and perhaps hurt others, but if you put it together perfectly, then you have a unique artical that makes the lives of thousands of people better. That way, everyone could relate a lot better to the story

detail

All do except the first paragraph.

transitions

No, there are no transitions to help this paper flow better. The author just starts a new paragraph without even mentioning anything from the existing paragraph, which makes the paper a lot harder to read and understand. I think that if this person was to go back and rewrite this article, she should use transitions at the beginning of every paragraph and anytime she wants to change the subject.

off topic

YEs, in the first paragraph, they start talking about the whole family including father figures, but then never go back to anything that has anything to do with the father. If they wanted to state something that made that statement tie in with the rest, then I would be alot more happy with the paragraph.

conclusion

No. In the conclusion, you are supposed to wrap things up and restate all your main ideas, but in this story, the author keeps bringing up new ideas and not closing up anything

change?

Just mainly the opening and the closing. THey need to be more outgoing and open and close the statement instead of totally confuse the reader.

comments

I think even though this piece was kind of boring, it was an overall well thought out paper.

Contact_FullName:

Angie Cain

Contact_Email:

angiecain2002@yahoo.com

theme

The theme of "The Foundation of Family" is that mothers can raise children all on their own. It suggests that fathers play a less significant role than mothers do in the family.

best

What is best about this seminar paper is that after reading the paper I can clearly understand the point that Rachel is trying to get across.

more work

I think that Rachel could try to lokk at other points of view, for instance what role her father played in her life and if that had anything to do with her favoring of mother over father.

Introduction

The introduction ingages me because the way she used the metaphor. The bricks and cement sybolying mother and father. I found that point very interesting and wanted to continue to read to find out more of what this paper was about.

detail

I believe that each paragragh has enough detail.

transitions

I think the transitions are used to help the ideas flow and I think that the author does not need to add more.

off topic

The information that seems not to fit is the fact that the father is insignificant in a childs life.

conclusion

No, because I didn't agree with her opinions so it was difficult to feel closure.

change?

I would try to understand what roles a father plays in a "normal" childs life. She obviously didn't have a significant father in her life but I do and I don't think I could have made it without him. Mothers do play an important part in children's lives but so do fathers,in my opinion.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:

Tifany Elliot

Contact_Email:

bluangel4200@msn.com

theme

"In order to build a strong, grounded house a person must use brick and cement."

best

The way the writer used so many different incidents, yet the paper had a flow to it. The writer expanded well on cirtain parts with the supporting quotas.

more work

The focus was mainly on the mother, which is good, but there should have been more focus on the father too.

Introduction

The introducton does engage my interest right from the begiinning. The First sentence draws you in, and I think that is very powerfull.

detail

Throughout the paper there are more than efficient details. The first paragragh is the only one that doesn't have any supporting details, but it still sounds good.

transitions

Transitions are used to help the ideas flow. I don't beleive that any more transitions need to be used, the piece was well written.

off topic

Nothing seems to be off the topic. The papre flows well and ties together.

conclusion

The conclusion does not give me a feeling of closure. This would go back to my childhood when my father brought me up and was the sole provider. So I have slight dissagreement with the ending. Amother is not a necessity.

change?

I wouldn't elaborte so much in the second paragraph about the girl acting like a boy. I didn't think that it was necessary. I would have elaborated a little more on the importance of a father figure rather than just put him down.

comments

none that i can think of.

Contact_FullName:

Angie Cain

Contact_Email:

angiecain2002@yahoo.com

theme

The theme of "The Foundation of Family" is that mothers can raise children all on their own. It suggests that fathers play a less significant role than mothers do in the family.

best

What is best about this seminar paper is that after reading the paper I can clearly understand the point that Rachel is trying to get across.

more work

I think that Rachel could try to lokk at other points of view, for instance what role her father played in her life and if that had anything to do with her favoring of mother over father.

Introduction

The introduction ingages me because the way she used the metaphor. The bricks and cement sybolying mother and father. I found that point very interesting and wanted to continue to read to find out more of what this paper was about.

detail

I believe that each paragragh has enough detail.

transitions

I think the transitions are used to help the ideas flow and I think that the author does not need to add more.

off topic

The information that seems not to fit is the fact that the father is insignificant in a childs life.

conclusion

No, because I didn't agree with her opinions so it was difficult to feel closure.

change?

I would try to understand what roles a father plays in a "normal" childs life. She obviously didn't have a significant father in her life but I do and I don't think I could have made it without him. Mothers do play an important part in children's lives but so do fathers, in my opinion.

comments

No.

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Last revised: November 19, 2009 by Jan Strever -- jstrever@scc.spokane.edu
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