- Contact_FullName:
- Kimberley Reilly
- Contact_Email:
- KReilly4261@aol.com
theme
Mastering the use of language allows people to better understand and express thoughts and ideas, giving them the freedom to truly communicate
best
This essay provides excellent examples of people who used their mastery of language to communicate with and influence people, which does a good job of supporting the theme of the essay.
more work
While each paragraph is summarized well, this essay would be easier to read and understand if each paragraph were introduced clearly with a topic sentence. Also, the thesis could be stated more clearly.
intro
I was not engaged by the introduction because it was to hard to figure out what the essay was about. The lack of transition between the statements about Malcolm X and Helen Keller was like putting a road block in front of the thesis. Adding a transition between the two descriptions would have made it easier to continue onto the thesis, which these two examples were intended to support.
detail
The writer does a very good job of using specific details from each example to support the topic of each paragraph.
transitions
Transitional phrases or sentences are used well in the body of the essay, but the first paragraph would be smoother and more understandable if there was a clear transition between the descriptions of Malcolm X and Helen Keller.
extra info
The information presented in this essay ties in to the theme well and is used to support the thesis. The use of the "I" statements and persuasive voice in the conclusion paragraph seems out of place in the context of this essay. The "voice" of the essay should be consistant throughout.
conclude
The conclusion paragraph does a good job of summarizing the similarities and differences in the examples, and how they both support the thesis, however the author’s writing style changes dramatically in the last paragraph, which distracts the reader from the topic. The sudden use of “I” and “they” statements radically change the voice of the paper, leaving the reader to wonder what the true purpose if the essay was.
change
I would clarify the thesis, add transitions to the introduction paragraph, and topic sentences to the paragraphs in the body of the essay, and try to maintain one voice throughout the essay. Also, in referring to Helen Keller throughout the essay I would use her last name, Keller, instead of the more familiar first name, Helen, which implies a close personal relationship with her.
added comments
In the second paragraph the writer asks, “But how could he effectively write, "Look daddy, let me pull your coat about a cat. Elijah Muhammad . . ."(64) when he wanted to share the plight of the black man in America?”. It is unclear what she is asking, consider rewording or removing this sentence.
- Contact_FullName:
- Brendan Hennes
- Contact_Email:
- brendmgh@hotmail.com
theme
The theme of this essay is that by harnessing the power of the written word, and language in general, one can better relate to the world and express one feelings about it.
best
It would be fairly simple to write an essay about language and it's technical uses. However, the author choose to pull characters out of real life to not only make a point about language, but to prove that point as well.
more work
Technically, the work was quite good. However I had a little difficulty really getting engaged with it. I just didn't get the feeling the author cared much about the subject.
intro
Here again, technically the introduction was good. It has everything that an opening paragraph needs. Still, if I wasn't required to read it, I probably wouldn't have due to the treatment of the subject.
detail
The author obviuosly did some research on the subject. Many details were included in all of the paragraphs.
transitions
Transitions aren't really uses here much. Between the second and third paragraphs, I think it could have been transitioned a little differently.
extra info
To me, it didn't seem that there was any off topic information.
conclude
The conclusion does give a sense of closure. However, I would have liked to have read more of what the suthors feelings were.
change
I think I would change the tone a little bit. With these two very important figures in American history, I would have liked the author to have included his or her own thoughts and conclusions, and not treated the subject so technically.
added comments
None
- Contact_FullName:
- Contact_Email:
theme
best
more work
intro
detail
transitions
extra info
conclude
change
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Contact_Email:
theme
best
more work
intro
detail
transitions
extra info
conclude
change
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Tamara Hall
- Contact_Email:
- SportyChickGirl3@aol.com
theme
People who have a hard time understanding and communicating can learn if they push themselves to learn and beome motivated.
best
I like how you tied the essay all together at the very end. It was complete and had a thesis body and conclusion.
more work
Showing who you are talking about in the paragraphs. I got a little mixed up going from Malcolm to Helen.
intro
I think it does because you want to know how they became educated. I think you should have a more hooking first sentence though.
detail
Yes there is a lot of detail but the last paragraph there is not as much detail.
transitions
I thought transition was the weak part of the essay. You did a good job showing the differences between Malcolm and Helen but the transition when you switch to who you are talking about is difficult to understand.
extra info
No not that I can remember.
conclude
Yeah. I liked the conclusion it seemed to make your main point about the essay stand out.
change
I would make my first sentence more interesting. I would make it clear in my paragraphs when I am talking about Helen and when I am talking about Malcolm.
added comments
None
- Contact_FullName:
- Tamara Hall
- Contact_Email:
- SportyChickGirl3@aol.com
theme
People who have a hard time understanding and communicating can learn if they push themselves to learn and beome motivated.
best
I like how you tied the essay all together at the very end. It was complete and had a thesis body and conclusion.
more work
Showing who you are talking about in the paragraphs. I got a little mixed up going from Malcolm to Helen.
intro
I think it does because you want to know how they became educated. I think you should have a more hooking first sentence though.
detail
Yes there is a lot of detail but the last paragraph there is not as much detail.
transitions
I thought transition was the weak part of the essay. You did a good job showing the differences between Malcolm and Helen but the transition when you switch to who you are talking about is difficult to understand.
extra info
No not that I can remember.
conclude
Yeah. I liked the conclusion it seemed to make your main point about the essay stand out.
change
I would make my first sentence more interesting. I would make it clear in my paragraphs when I am talking about Helen and when I am talking about Malcolm.
added comments
None
- Contact_FullName:
- Contact_Email:
theme
People who have a hard time understanding and communicating can learn if they push themselves to learn and beome motivated.
best
I like how you tied the essay all together at the very end. It was complete and had a thesis body and conclusion.
more work
Showing who you are talking about in the paragraphs. I got a little mixed up going from Malcolm to Helen.
intro
I think it does because you want to know how they became educated. I think you should have a more hooking first sentence though.
detail
Yes there is a lot of detail but the last paragraph there is not as much detail.
transitions
I thought transition was the weak part of the essay. You did a good job showing the differences between Malcolm and Helen but the transition when you switch to who you are talking about is difficult to understand.
extra info
No not that I can remember.
conclude
Yeah. I liked the conclusion it seemed to make your main point about the essay stand out.
change
I would make my first sentence more interesting. I would make it clear in my paragraphs when I am talking about Helen and when I am talking about Malcolm.
added comments
None
- Contact_FullName:
- Denise Weiss
- Contact_Email:
- jndweiss@yahoo.com
theme
The theme focuses on how language gives freedom. The essay uses the examples of Helen Keller and Malcolm X and the way words and language transformed their lives. For Helen Keller, language brightened her dark and angry world by showing her that every object has a name. Language made her excited about the world around her. For Malcolm X, language freed him from the bonds of his imprisonment. Even without an extensive education, language skills allowed Malcolm X's thoughts and ideas to be heard. When one listened to him, they had no idea that he did not have a formal education beyond the 8th grade! Language frees people from social, economic, and physical bonds. Language can help advance careers, change lives and surpass social boundaries. Learning language skills is truely learning skills for life.
best
Specific details about Malcolm X and Helen Keller show specific examples of how language can transorm lives. These dramatic examples reinforce the author's main point of the essay. Direct quotes emphasize the points further.
more work
In my opinion, the conclusion needs more work. The essay is well written, then it just ends. It ends without a complete conclusion.
intro
Yes, the introduction did engage my interest. Giving small amounts of information on Helen Keller and Malcolm X intrigues the reader to know more. The author also shows the connection between Helen Keller and Malcolm X, enticing the reader to learn more of their similarities.
detail
The first paragraph does not contain direct quotes from the article. The first paragraph does lead into the other paragraphs, but does not directly quote from the reading. The second, third, and fourth paragraphs all include direct quotes from the text, as well as references to the text.
transitions
In paragraphs 2 and 3, transitions are used to help keep the ideas flowing, allowing for easy reading. The author uses the word similarly in both paragraphs to transition between the two topics, Malcolm X and Helen Keller. However, in paragraphs one and four, the author should have used a few transition words to help make the topics flow better. For example, in the first paragraph, when first reading, the link between Malcolm X and Helen Keller is not quite apparent. With further reading, the connection is made. But with a simple transition word, the relationship could have been seen earlier.
extra info
In the last paragraph, the author inserts her own personal opinion about language. This seems to be out of context, compared to the rest of the essay.
conclude
No, the conclusion does not close the essay very well. It seems like there should be one more final paragraph to summarize the points of the essay.
change
I would change the ending of this essay, if this were my essay. I'd simply add another short paragraph to wrap-up the points made in the previous paragraphs.
added comments
The essay is well written and provides interesting details. It makes the reader, in this case, myself, excited to improve on language and writing skills!
- Contact_FullName:
- Leona Lewis
- Contact_Email:
- leonarae_04@hotmail.com
theme
The theme to me would be that every one can learn, it doesn't matter how old, where you live of what color you are everybody has the ability to learn if given the right tools.
best
I think the best thing about the essay is, the fact that every one can learn, because I believe that every one deserves the chance to learn and grow in what ever they are doing.
more work
I think they should have gone into a little more detail how it hard it was for Malcolm X and Helen Keller to learn, Because when you are reading, it almost looks like Helen didn’t get the hole idea of spelling on her hand, but then when the teacher tried the next time she got it right away.
intro
Yes, it kind of grabs you because they start out by saying that Malcolm X didn’t go to school past eight grade. So you wonder how this person became such a good speaker?
detail
After I read this paper, I read it again and I think all of the paragraphs have a lot of detail in them.
transitions
Yes, in each paragraph they used something to flow to the next paragraph. Like in the introduction they gave just a little information about both Malcolm X and Helen, Keller then in the second, they went into more depth and articles about them both.
extra info
No? well nothing seemed off topic to me I thought every thing flowed together.
conclude
Yes, when your done reading the article you fell like Malcolm X and Helen Keller both were able to learn, and grow. Malcolm X was able to become a better speaker that he was before, and Helen Keller was able to understand things around her and grew up to become a great teacher her self.
change
If this were my essay, I think only think I would have done is added more information on how hard it really was for Malcolm X to learn how to wright, and spell, and Helen Keller and to understand the things around her.
added comments
I overall like this article I think it gives some good information and lets the reader know that there other are people in the world that struggle with things too.
- Contact_FullName:
- Stephanie Boone
- Contact_Email:
- msboone2@netzero.net
theme
Language is liberating.
best
This essay used great examples of not only the power of language,but also of people in hopeless situations that overcame great barriers.
more work
I dont see an area needing more help.
intro
Yes. I was interested to hear how MalcomeX and Helen Keller would be used in an essay together.
detail
Yes. I almost thought there was on overwhelming amount of details.
transitions
I did not care for the transitions.I felt it could have been more organized.
extra info
No
conclude
Yes. It briefly reviewed the essay and closed with the statement that having a better understanding of language can help all of us in many areas of our life.
change
I would not have it jump back and fourth from Malcom X to Helen Keller as much.
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Jonathan Zemke
- Contact_Email:
- jzemke@juno.com
theme
The thesis of this essay is that all it takes to become an great writer, or communicator, is motivation.
best
What I thought was best about the essay was the Narritive style, and inclusion of people's lives as examples. It made the piece easy, and quick, to read while keeping us engaged.
more work
The essay tends to focus on the lives of Malcom X and Helen Keller to a fault. It doesn't elaborate on motivation as much as it does on their journey.
intro
Not right away, but as you read further Malcom X and Helen Keller seem more interesting.
detail
Yes
transitions
I thought transitions were used well in this piece.
extra info
Yes. The narritive about Helen Keller seems to prolonged. The author could have easily left out the section about learning about water.
conclude
Mostly. It does a great job of "wrapping-up" the narritive, but you're still left wondering about the motivation end.
change
I would put less about Helen Keller and would do a better job elaborating on, and tying in, the idea of motivation and learning language.
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Holly Smith
- Contact_Email:
- www.hollysmith2009@hotmail.com
theme
This essay is about how learning a language can durastically change your life for the better.
best
The best part of the essay is the topic the author chose, because it's one that everyone can relate to. Everyone has to go through difficult situations to get to where they want to be, so the topic catches everyone's eye.
more work
This essay needs transitions between the two main ideas, because the reader gets confused about who the author is talking about without transitions.
intro
The part of the introduction that caught my interest was the topic, because I can relate to the lives of the author's two examples. However, because of the author's lack of transitions, I didn't really want to continue reading the paper, because I kept having troube figuring out which of the two examples I was reading about.
detail
None of the paragraphs summarize what they are supposed to be about. So, even though the author gives plenty of examples that show how the two people in the essay support the theme, none of these examples support the paragraphs they're in.
transitions
The author does not have adequate transitions. Transitions should be added between the two people the author uses as examples and also between paragraphs.
extra info
The quote by Malcolm X that the author uses is not only confusing, but is's also unnecessary. "Look daddy, let me pull your coat about a cat. Elijah Muhammad...," makes no sense and is excess information.
conclude
The conclusion does have a feeling of closure, because it shows the end result of how language changed the two main examples' lives, and how it can also change the lives of the audiance.
change
If this were my piece of writing, I would make some basic changes to improve it. First, I would break the essay back down into outline form with just the facts and examples. Then, I would re-write the essay while clearly keeping the information about the two people separaed, possibly even using different paragraphs for each person's story. I would make the paper focused with clear transitions. It's a good essay that just needs some changes.
added comments
This essay has good content, but it needs some transitions, focus, and organization.
- Contact_FullName:
- Nicole Ridl
- Contact_Email:
- water_child129@msn.com
theme
How learning language will help you to over come many things.
best
I thought that this person took two very good people to use as examples in this essay, Helen Keller and Malcolm X. It showed people how the power of language can help any body, even the people you would have no hope for.
more work
I think that it jumped from Helen Keller to Malcolm X with no general transition. In the introduction paragraph especially, it went from Malcolm X to Helen Keller in a snap, I was unsure of what the writer was trying to get at until I read further down the essay.
intro
It did engage my intrest after I read the entire thing. But as I was reading it, it made little sence at first because it jumped around so drastically.
detail
Yes, each paragraph was also supported by quotes from the works cited.
transitions
Yes, the transitions did help the ideas flow. The only place I suggest putting a couple more in is in the introduction paragraph when you go from talking about Malcolm X to Helen Keller.
extra info
I didn't think so. I thought it was over all a very insightful essay.
conclude
Yes, you definately know that it is the end of the essay. How you rapped it up with, "Having a better understanding of out language can free us from what hold us back in our jobs, careers and social standings in life." really tells us that the essay is over.
change
The introduction paragraph for the reasons I have stated earlier.
added comments
I thought this essay was very well though out and extremely well written. I learned more about Malcolm X and Helen Keller than I knew before.
- Contact_FullName:
- Austin Randall
- Contact_Email:
- auty2005@hotmail.com
theme
The theme of the essay is that of language and it's liberation for those who had previously been unaquanited or uneducated with it. Its importance in the education process is immeasurable.
best
There are some good topic sentences and some good ideas in the essay.
more work
Making the ideas clearer and more understandable would help to strengthen this essay. Stringing the ideas into a logical order may help as well.
intro
The introduction kind of confused me. The first sentence could be a little better written to convey the thought better as to not confuse the reader. Other than that, yes, it was engaging.
detail
The second and third paragraphs have some specific details, but the opening and closing paragraphs lack details.
transitions
Some transitions would be helpful between paragraphs. The ideas between them are unrelated, so transitions would help the flow of the essay.
extra info
There is some off-topic information. In the second paragraph, when the author says "But how could he effectively write, 'Look daddy, let me pull your coat about a cat. Elijah Muhammad . . .'", it seems kind of offhand and irrelevant and not really necessary.
conclude
Yes. It has a way of wrapping up the thoughts of the essay and of giving a final thought from the author that sums up the essay.
change
I would try to clarify some ideas and rewrite some sentences so my ideas would be more clear and easier to understand.
added comments
Its a good essay with a lot of good information and ideas. The clarity and flow of it could be improved upon a little bit, but other than that, it is pretty good.
- Contact_FullName:
- Megan A
- Contact_Email:
- mearr79@yahoo.com
theme
The comparison of Malcom X and Helen Keller and how they overcame obstacles in a same but different way.
best
It is an interesting comparison between the two. I would have never thought that the two had any similarities. I wouldn't have put them together.
more work
It kind of seemed like the essay did not flow everywhere. There was a couple of sentances that kind of seemed to be thrown in. Such as in the second paragraph when the author put in something about Elijah Muhammad...I didn't grasp what that was trying to say.
intro
Yes I would say that it did because immediately it brought up and briefly explained a little about two important figures of our past.
detail
There is specific detail but I think that maybe more could be said about Malcolm X in each paragraph.
transitions
I suppose that upon reading it again it does seem to flow okay. It seems that something is missing but I can't quite put my finger on it. It may just be that they are two totally different figures that I wouldn't have put together.
extra info
The comment "Look daddy, let me pull your coat about a cat," and the Elijah Muhammad reference did not seem to fit.
conclude
Yes it does because it has finishing statements that draw the two together and comes to one main conclusion.
change
I feel that this is a pretty good essay. I don't know that I would change much of anything except maybe taking out or explaining the cat and Elijah references.
added comments
None :)
- Contact_FullName:
- Rachel Knoles
- Contact_Email:
- rachelannk@msn.com
theme
That a strong understanding of language can be what we need to free ourselves from what holds us back socially, economically, or physically.
best
I like the language the author uses and the descriptiveness. I like how it ties two very different people together in such an interesting way.
more work
It seems kind of jumpy. It goes from Malcolm X to Helen Keller, back to Malcolm, back to Helen. It could be smoother.
intro
Yes - Especially the last sentence. I want to find out how Malcolm X and Helen Keller are similar in their discovery of language.
detail
Yes, I think each paragraph contans specific detail.
transitions
I think more transitions need to be used when moving from one person to the next and back again and also from paragraph to paragraph.
extra info
I don't know if anything seems off-topic or extra. I think everything fits, except for maybe in the last paragraph when the author talks about finding a role model. There wasn't much about that in the essay.
conclude
Yes - I think it is all tied together in how language helped both Malcolm X and Helen Keller overcome obstacles in their life and find their true paths.
change
I think I would move the sentence in the last paragraph that defines language to the beginning of the essay.
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Sara B Smith
- Contact_Email:
- sbsmith@scc.spokane.edu
theme
Language is liberating.
best
In this essay, the fact that the author uses to drastically different individuals to illustrate her point is wonderful. I think this is the best thing about the essay since it clearly shows that the liberating abilit of language trancends race, class, gender and time. There are no boundaries where this is concerned.
more work
This essay could be improved by having a clear topic sentance for each paragraph. The flow of the thought process is interupted by the fact that the reader must really think about each paragraph to find how it fits into the essay as a whole.
intro
I was not engaged by the introduction to this essay because I was not clear what it was supposed to be about. The way the author jumps from Malcolm X to Helen Keller without stating first what the essay is about is a bit disconcerting.
detail
The author does an excellent job using her examples of Helen Keller and Malcom X to illustrate her point in each paragraph.
transitions
Transitions within the individual paragraphs of the essay are good, but the transition from paragraph to paragraph could be more clearly stated.
extra info
The information about Malcolm X wanting to make statements about Elijah Muhammad seem to be out of place in the second paragraph.
conclude
The conclusion is excellent and does a great job of tying all of the information together. The fact that the last paragraph is in the first person is little jarring though.
change
I would rearrange the structure of the first paragraph and change the first person statements in the final paragraph.
added comments
This was a very well supported essay.
- Contact_FullName:
- Tara Lint
- Contact_Email:
- tcurlylox79@netzero.com
theme
I feel that the theme of this essay is that an education can be accomplished if you choose to reach for it.
best
The essay's best part is that the writer is able to place two separate individuals with similar yet different worlds into a wonderful essay.
more work
The transition in the thesis statement could have been more clear when Helen Keller was introduced.
intro
After I reread the introduction I was able to understand it but at first no, because it was slightly confusing
detail
I feel that all of the paragraphs contain some sort of specific detail
transitions
There are transitions that are used the only one that I would change would be in the thesis statement
extra info
In paragraph two the second to last sentence, I don't know why we need to know that there is no tenderness when in a round about way it is in the sentences prior to that
conclude
I think that the conclusion should have been wrapped up with Keller and Malcolm X
change
I would introduce the two subjects together in the first few sentences of the introduction and would have put both of the subjects in the concluding paragraph.
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Vickie Tisdale
- Contact_Email:
- alexia_alex2001@hotmail.com
theme
The theme of this essay is that two people from very different dis advantaged backgrounds became two very important people by mastering launguage.
best
Documentation. Work Cited very easy to follow.
more work
This essay jumped around alot. I really had a hard time following it.
intro
No. I really wasn't sure what the theme was until I read the very last paragraph. It was a lot of really nice information, but it didn't flow smoothly to me. :)
detail
The intro paragragh does not contain specific detail. I do believe that the body and the conclusion does.
transitions
I think more transitions are needed. Introducing a new idea at the end of one paragraph and completing the thought in the next might have been usefull in this essay.
extra info
Kellers experience with the broken D-O-L-L.
conclude
No. The essay mentions Malcom, Keller and improving the standered of life with launguage all in the same paragraph, but fails to connect them properly. I was left with a HUH? feeling.
change
I would do some rearranging. Its kinda choppy....(in lack of a better adj.)
added comments
I wasn't sure the format that I was expected to reply in, so I hope that I wasn't too casual.:)Vickie
- Contact_FullName:
- Dawn Cagle
- Contact_Email:
- twocagles@comcast.net
theme
Basically to learn how to communicate better by not letting any certain circumstance or lack of education hold you back.
best
I thought the essay was very informative and it held my attention.
more work
I honestly don't think it needs more work.
intro
Yes it does. The introduction made me want to read more to learn about Malcolm X and Helen Keller.
detail
Each paragraph seemed to me to have specific detail.
transitions
I don't think that any more transitions need to be used.
extra info
The essay doesn't seem to stray from the topic. I think all the information was necessay to the topic.
conclude
Yes it does. We found out how the chatacters overcame all challenges and obstacles in their lives.
change
I thought it was a good essay. I don't know that I would change a thing.
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Nicole Peterson
- Contact_Email:
- npeterson@becu.org
theme
The theme of this essay is using language to educate oneself in an effort to improve communication skills, despite obstacles people may come across.
best
It's easy to see what type of essay (compare/contrast) it was, and it was organized well. The similarities and differences between the two people were discussed in each paragraph without jumping around making it easy to see the comparisons. There were a lot of adjectives used to describe the writer's view and the visualization helped me understand the overall point of the essay.
more work
The way some of the sentences were worded was a little confusing, or seemed to be "filler" sentences...as if the writer were trying to meet a minimum word requirement. A couple of things that were thrown into the essay either needed a little bit more elaboration, or should be left out altogether.
intro
I liked the introduction. It gave a clear, concise indication of what the paper was going to be about. The beginning comparisons helped set the tone/pattern for the rest of the paper. I would recommend adding transitional phrases to make it a little easier to follow.
detail
Yes, they each contain specific details.
transitions
I think more transitions need to be used in the 1st and last paragraphs. The topic abruptly changes from one person to the next in both paragraphs, whereas the other two used transitional phrases such as "similarly" and a direct comparison with "where" Malcolm's education was self taught, Helen had a teacher.
extra info
The cited information about Elijah Muhammed was confusing to me...I didn't understand it's relevance and the entire sentence itself didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I'd also like to know how Malcom's letters (and what kind they were) helped him acquire his education. The writer seemed very detailed in the information relating to Helen Keller, but not enough was provided when talking about Malcolm X.
conclude
Yes, the concluding statement supports the introduction. The writer showed how language can be liberating and once we find our motivation, language can free us of the obstacles we might think hold us back.
change
I would provide more details about Malcolm X and/or leave out some of the irrelevant items that were strewn throughout. The essay seems to be written in third person until the last few sentences when the writer suddenly uses "I" - I'd stick to one or the other.
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Diane Whiting
- Contact_Email:
- diane.whiting@sbcglobal.net
theme
The theme of this essay is that with desire to express oneself either verbally or in written form, there are no obstacles that can't be acheived.
best
Using "real" people helps to support not only the challenges that can be overcome, but also allows you to be interested in their acheivements.
more work
The flow of the essay seems to be difficult to follow at times.
intro
Yes, due to all the press releases on the lack of education that children are currently receiving and the need to have a better education to pursue your goals.
detail
All paragraphs contain specifc details.
transitions
The transitions are used to help the ideas flow throughout the essay however the first paragraph was difficult to see the relationship. It may have been easier to follow if the topics were separated.
extra info
All information supports the theme.
conclude
Yes. The essay clearly reveals the need for a "better understaning of our language" and the consequences of not acheiving this.
change
I would try to separate the topics so that when reading the flow would be smoother.
added comments
None.
- Contact_FullName:
- Kene Christensen
- Contact_Email:
- kenechriste@yahoo.com
theme
Communication makes us free after we have strived to understand and utilize the endless possibilities and creative forms of expressing ourselves.
best
The author makes it clear that it was challenging in the beginnig for even the best of writers. The author expresses this using clear examples of their challenges.
more work
The flow of the writing is a little choppy. Switching from Malcolm to Keller was very difficult to follow. It could use more transitional words.
intro
The attention grabber is not as poweful as the rest of her examples. The attention grabber has to make the reader want to continue to read.
detail
Yes, each paragraph uses specific detail to support main ideas.
transitions
No, transistions are not used to the extent that they should be. More transitions need to be used to connect supporting ideas and also to smoothely change from one subject to another.
extra info
Yes, In the second paragraph the exmaple that is used about how his writing was, doesn't clearly make the point the author is trying to transmit to the reader. Also in the concluding paragraph,"When I talk..". It is not needed.
conclude
Yes, the conclusion does have a sense of closure but it is still lacking in the sense of closing transition to make it feel like a closing paragraph.
change
I would definitely change the transitions of the paragraphs to help link thoughts together. Also the examples Keller to Malcolm X can get really confusing so I would try to seperate them a little more to make my points more clearly.
added comments
It is a very important essay with alot of truth. It just needs to be smoother and more to the point with details.
- Contact_FullName:
- Thomas Kaufman
- Contact_Email:
- TRKCNA@aol.com
theme
Through the process of education, particularly that of language development, one may harness the skills necessary to foster personal growth.
best
The use of historical figures is the strength of the essay because it gives solid examples to support the thesis.
more work
The flow of the thoughts and words throughout the essay are at times a little bumpy.
intro
The introduction left me feeling lukewarm at best. The topic does not immediately catch me, nor does the writer's style.
detail
The writer did an excellent job of seeding each paragraph with specific detail.
transitions
The transitions in the opening were a little weak or confusing.
extra info
no.
conclude
The conclusion did not give closure. In fact, it leaves one with more questions. Why was Malcolm X imprisoned for deciding to improve himself? How did Helen Keller suddenly become a teacher?
change
I would add additional information as to how individuals in the essay came from realization of the idea to the actual completion of the dream.
added comments
none.
- Contact_FullName:
- Ryan Knudson
- Contact_Email:
- revrk@comcast.net
theme
According to the author it is 'Gainig Freedom Through Language'. I beleive she is stating that language and the abiltiy to express it so others are enlightened or understnad you gives you a freedom not otherwise known.
best
I beleive what is best about the essay is the people the author chose to write about. Malcolm X, whether you agree or disagree with his philosophies, turned himself into a charismatic leader who lead people with his words and newly found voice. On the other hand, Helen Keller, one with no voice, found hers and the sound still resonates today.
more work
I would try to develope the subjects a little more. I found the writing to be a little clinical.
intro
My interest was not really piqued by the introduction. There really is no "grabber" if you will. There should be some writing about the freedom of language moving into the subjects afterwards.
detail
Most paragraphs have specific detail with the exception being the introduction paragraph.
transitions
In some places transitions are used, but not in others. When moving from Malcom to Helen there needs to be better transitionary phrases.
extra info
There seems to be no extra or off topic information.
conclude
For myself, there really is no closure. There is no tying back to the overall statement: "They learned that language is liberating; and an event or an awakening of some kind can spur the thirst for knowledge and can set a person on the path to freedom."
change
Changes that I would make is more transitionary phrases, bringing the characters more to life and concluding with a stronger more dynamic closing that causes the reader to immediately start working on their communication skills.
added comments
I have no additioanl comments at this time.
- Contact_FullName:
- Terry Mattingly
- Contact_Email:
- Trillint@netzero.com
theme
best
more work
intro
detail
transitions
extra info
conclude
change
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Terry
- Contact_Email:
- Mattingly
theme
Understanding language and effectively communicating can help one overcome obstacles.
best
The best thing about the essay is the expression of each figures' actualized epiphany. Through the use of familiar historical figures' different experiences, the writer holds the reader's interest and supports the theme of the essay.
more work
The conclusion needs more work. Sentence three reads as condescending and directing, causing sentences' four and five to read as condescending as well.
intro
The introduction does engage my interest. The introduction engages my interest because the well known figures overcame adversity diversely with language.
detail
Yes.
transitions
Yes, transitions are used to help the ideas flow. However, the essay seems to jump from the concept of language in to the use of language to "free us", with no clear transition.
extra info
Conclusion sentences three, four, and five are partially or completely off topic.
conclude
No, I do not feel the last sentence was adequately supported in the essay.
change
I would change the title to "Overcoming Adversity Through Language".
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Stacey Barker
- Contact_Email:
- Raceystacey21@yahoo.com
theme
The theme is comparing two individuals achievements.
best
The best things about this essay are the examples, they make you feel like you know the two inividuals.
more work
More background information about Helens childhood might be good and maybe some more details. Maybe a paragraph with the authors thoughts could sum it up, that could be interesting.
intro
The introduction really engages in my interest because learning about Helen Keller has always fascinated me.
detail
These paragraphs contain a lot of specific details, yet Paragraph 4 could use some more.
transitions
The transitions used are used very well. The sentences flow smoothly the only place a transition may be added would be in the introduction paragraph, it could be used to help switch from talking about both individuals.
extra info
No I think all the information in this essay supports the topic.
conclude
It does because it sums up what these two accomplished and what they chose to do with the rest of there lives.
change
If this were my essay it would probably be a little bit longer just because these two are such unique individuals. It would be hard to write a short essay on them.
added comments
I liked this essay a lot it was very interesting and kept my attention. The sentences flowed very nicely.
- Contact_FullName:
- Avia Thompson
- Contact_Email:
- aviathompson@comcast.net
theme
The theme of this essay is thay the written and spoken language is powerful. It is well worth our time to learn to communicate well, in both the written and spoken word.
best
The basic thought is good. I also like the comparison of two seemingly very different people.
more work
The writing is very jumpy and does not flow well. The writer jumps between Helen Keller and Malcom X. The sentence structure is also not the easiest to follow.
intro
The introduction does not catch my interest because the first sentence does not flow well. I had to read the first sentence a couple of times to understand what was being said. This did not make me want to keep reading.
detail
Each paragraph does contain a certain thought as they describe where Malcom X and Helen Keller were in their life. They do not contain specific thoughts in that the subject jumps back and forth between Helen and Malcom.
transitions
Transitions are not used to help ideas flow. For example, paragraph two ends describing Helen Keller and paragraph three starts describing Malcom X. It is hard to transition between the two different people.
extra info
There is some extra information. In paragraph three the fact that Malcom's penmanship got better was thrown into a sentence and never mentioned again.
conclude
The very last sentence gives a little bit of closure but it would have been a lot better if that idea had been expanded on.
change
I would seperate the story of Malcom X and Helen Keller into different paragraphs. I would then use a paragraph to identify the similarites and differences in their stories. My last paragraph would be used to apply those thoughts to every person.
added comments
While I found the thought of the essay very interesting, I found the essay hard to read. Because it was hard to read, it was less interesting and didn't hold my interest. I think a good essay could be written using the same thought with a different structure.
- Contact_FullName:
- Alexandra Allred
- Contact_Email:
- qtgirlalex@hotmail.com
theme
As the author writes in their thesis statement, 'language is liberating'. The two famous subjects of this essay overcame their difficult conditions to finally posses the empowering tool of communication, which gives a person life.
best
I enjoyed not only the message of this essay, but also the use of dual subjects to best express it. The use of two subjects to explain a point allows the reader to make more thorough connections, as the suggestions of the author are better justified when there is more than one source of evidence for their thesis.
more work
The flow, word choice, and puncuation in this essay personally frustrate me. Also, the transitions from one paragraph to another are lacking; the author ends each paragraph with her thought, yet gives only a vauge introduction or connecting idea into the next one.
intro
The first few lines in, I as the read first believed the introduction to be about the famous African-American civil rights Malcolm X; the transition to information about Helen Keller was non-existent. While the connection ties at the end in the thesis (which is present and easily understood), I as the reader was trying to find something more in-depth, but could not.
detail
Each paragraph does contain specific detail about the paragraph's theme; each paragraph attempts to explain and expand upon a certain point, and does so successfully, although at times in a 'choppy' manner. However, the point in each paragraph is made and adequate detail is in fact present.
transitions
Again, in my opinion, transitions in this essay are significantly lacking, whether it be from one paragraph to another, or when connecting points within a singular paragraph.
extra info
All information in this essay is useful as it aids the reader in understanding the conditions and obstacles overcome by the subjects of the essay. I don't believe there to be any significantly abundant information present.
conclude
Yes, it does. Although I feel the concluding paragraph to be too lengthy in point, the point is still made nonetheless. The concluding statements tie with the original thesis of the introductory paragraph, and well serves its purpose.
change
Again, the transitions in this essay are lacking, and personally made for a frustrating read (although it is not made to be difficult material). Also, I believe the concluding paragraph to be far too long, especially when matched with the introductory paragraph. I would also change the flow and word choice of the essay; however, that is purely subjective to my tastes.
added comments
None.
- Contact_FullName:
- Danae Rittenour
- Contact_Email:
- medievalmaiden@safebrowse.com
theme
Freedom and greater achievement can be found through the study and furtherment of language abilities.
best
The best part of this essay is the way its insightful message is shared through real examples. The author’s view is shown practically through the lives of Helen Keller and Malcolm X.
more work
The flow between sentences could be improved. Even when the word structure flows, the thoughts between sentences don't come together clearly and the meaning is hard to follow. And the thesis could be written more clearly; it seems unclear. Also, in several instances, the pronouns are confusing.
intro
While the immediate mention of the great obstacles overcome by Malcolm X and Helen Keller is engaging, the rough transitions make the paragraph hard to follow.
detail
All of the paragraphs are specific with detail, but the last seems to draw away from more minute details in order to allow readers to step back and look at the big picture.
transitions
Some transitions are used, but improvement is needed. In paragraph one, the shift from Malcolm X to Helen Keller is rough and needs more work. And paragraphs two and three do not flow very smoothly.
extra info
In paragraph two, the mention of Malcolm X’s fellow inmate strays from the topic of the written language and seems unneeded.
conclude
Yes, it does. By showing the ultimate triumphs of Malcolm X and Keller, the author concludes their lives, and then goes on to leave the readers with a practical application, so that they are given the inspiration to move forward in furthering their own language abilities.
change
I would break it down more. The paragraphs have a lot of materiel in them and the essay would be more readable if they were divided and fleshed out a little more.
added comments
none
- Contact_FullName:
- Mischelle Zabinski
- Contact_Email:
- davidzabinski@msn.com
theme
Anyone can learn if they put their mind to it.
best
The examples, because they show how Malcom X and Helen Keller learned to over come there disadvantages.
more work
The connection between Malcolm X and Helen Keller in each paragraph is choppy, it doesn't transition smoothly.
intro
Yes, because I didn't know much about Malcolm X before reading this essay.
detail
Yes.
transitions
No, transition words are not used in each paragraph between the examples of Malcolm X's experinces and those of Helen Keller.
extra info
No.
conclude
Yes it sums up the essay and challenges you to better yourself by becoming better educated.
change
The transition between examples of Malcom X's and Helen Keller's experinces.
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Mischelle Zabinski
- Contact_Email:
- davidzabinski@msn.com
theme
best
more work
intro
detail
transitions
extra info
conclude
change
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Korina Van Tassle
- Contact_Email:
- spokane_cowgirl@yahoo.com
theme
No matter what situation you are in life you can make it better through learning.
best
The author gathered a lot of information and used it to back up the main ideas in the introduction. The author was clear in the paragraphs and didn't focus too much on just one subject.
more work
I would change the way the author transitions between Malcom X and Helen Keller. Its a little confusing on which one the author is talking about unless you reread it a couple times.
intro
Yes, the author clearly researched before writing this essay. It is full of great information on both Malcom X and Helen Keller.
detail
Yes, all the paragraphs have specific detail on both Malcom X and Keller.
transitions
Yes, the author uses transitions to help the reader follow the ideas, but they could use them better in the first paragraph.
extra info
I believe that the author stayed on track with the essay. The author didn't put too much information, but didn't put too little either. The author had placed the information in the right paragraphs and was able to incorporate all the information to the main ideas of the essay.
conclude
Yes, the author was able to add their own thoughts and make the reader think about the essay in whole.
change
I would change the paragraph structure and place different sentences in different spots. I would try to not go back and forth between subjects and have a little more transition in the first paragraph.
added comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Heidi Royer
- Contact_Email:
- DandHRoyer@peoplepc.com
theme
The benefits of learning language skills no matter what your situation is.
best
The comparisons were great. It showed that there is more than one option when learning language skills.
more work
The transition in the first paragraph from Malcom X to Helen Keller. I had to read it a couple times to figure out it was a comparison paper. The last paragraph was a little choppy going from malcom X to Helen Keller then back to Malcom X.
intro
It did engage my intrest but it needed a transition from Malcom to Helen.
detail
I thought each paragraph contained specific detail.
transitions
The first paragraph needs a transition.
extra info
I thought that all the information was interesting and fit the paper.
conclude
I thought it gave good closure.
change
The transitions to make it flow better and smooth out my conclusion.
added comments
I enjoyed reading the paper as soon as soon as I realized it was a comparison paper.
- Contact_FullName:
- chris rieman
- Contact_Email:
- iceclimbguy@hotmail.com
theme
Development of language skills can be the key to unlocking personal success.
best
It gives two very good examples to support the author's theme. Using very influential people in history, and demonstrating how they overcame adversity to develop these skills.
more work
A smoother transition is needed between the first and second sentence of the first paragraph. The switch from Malcom X to Helen Keller was abrupt.
intro
Yes, the introduction had me interested to know how these two people overcame thir obstacles with language and turned it into their passion.
detail
The only paragraph that did not have specific information was the opening paragraph.
transitions
I feel that the transitions used in the body of the essay flow smoothly without confusion. The first paragraph is the only section that could use a better transition.
extra info
I did not feel that there was any information that was off topic or excessive.
conclude
I feel that the conclusion was summarized well, and was very direct.
change
I would make the first paragraph flow a little easier, and not as abrupt.
added comments
Very motivational story!
- Contact_FullName:
- chris rieman
- Contact_Email:
- iceclimbguy@hotmail.com
theme
Development of language skills can be the key to unlocking personal success.
best
It gives two very good examples to support the author's theme. Using very influential people in history, and demonstrating how they overcame adversity to develop these skills.
more work
A smoother transition is needed between the first and second sentence of the first paragraph. The switch from Malcom X to Helen Keller was abrupt.
intro
Yes, the introduction had me interested to know how these two people overcame thir obstacles with language and turned it into their passion.
detail
The only paragraph that did not have specific information was the opening paragraph.
transitions
I feel that the transitions used in the body of the essay flow smoothly without confusion. The first paragraph is the only section that could use a better transition.
extra info
I did not feel that there was any information that was off topic or excessive.
conclude
I feel that the conclusion was summarized well, and was very direct.
change
I would make the first paragraph flow a little easier, adn not so abrupt.
added comments
Very motivational story!
- Contact_FullName:
- Jan
- Contact_Email:
- jstrever@scc.spokane.edu
theme
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best
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more work
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intro
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detail
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transitions
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extra info
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conclude
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change
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added comments
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