- Contact_FullName:
- Annette Ahlf
- Contact_Email:
- Uneque1@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
The moral of the story is that if you are going to have something that is that valuable to you then you better take good care of it.
best --
Making a point of how much she stressed about the lose of her purse. It is important to stress that, if the point you are trying to make is to take care of your belongings.
more work --
The wording and paragraph structure are in need of work. When you throw in a big word every now and then it does not seem appropriately used. The way the paragraphs are structured, the information is confusing because of the run on sentences.
intro --
The introduction was interesting but misleading. It was descriptive about the scenery, that got my attention.
detail
Not every paragraph contains specific detail. The third paragraph about her son wanting to see the movie "Lion King" did not seem important to the story.
transitions
This story is in definite need of transitions. It jumps around so much from sentence to sentence that it makes it difficult to follow the story line.
off topic --
Yes, there is extra information. The son had been at the sister's all afternoon while she was at school. More useless information, where the mailboxes were located. The third sentence does not seem relevant at all. Michael asking about watching the "Lion King" and other Disney movies is not important to know. The information about them trying to call but needing some special code is not too important.
conclusion --
Yes, good conclusion. It is a summary of her feelings after what had happenen to her, and really what the story was about was how she felt.
change --
I would shorten some of the sentences so I did not lose my audience. I would get rid of the occassional big words they are more harmful than beneficial. I would stick to the information that is related to the story and forget about the added unrelated stuff.
- Contact_FullName:
- Terri Honodel
- Contact_Email:
- t4potts@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
The theme of this narrative illustrates how we, as women, become partners with our purses, carrying life essentials with us wherever we go,and how the loss of that "sidearm" can create a snowball of emotions, shaking the foundation of our confidence.
best --
The explanation of the array of emotions experienced by Loren, throughout the ordeal of losing her purse, was excellent. As the reader, I knew exactly how she was feeling.
more work --
If I changed anything in this narrative,I might split the second paragraph into two parts to ease into the raelization of the loss of the purse, separating the history of the evening from the onset of fear.
intro --
The introduction pulls you in because you realize this is a local story of interest.
detail
The second paragraph contains too many details and I would divide it in two.
transitions
Overall good use of transition, but the story starts to get choppy near the end, and the recovery of the purse is almost anticlimactic.
off topic --
The use of brand names in the narrative reminds me of well planted products in movies. I would have used generic terms for Safeway and Jeep (market and car)
conclusion --
Closure is achieved in the conclusion with expressions of relief and gratitude and a renewal of faith.
change --
If this were my essay, I would change the second paragraph, elaborate somewhat on the drive into Spokane the next day (where is Michael?)with Mom, and soften the story with the terms grocery store or market in place of Safeway, and car in place of Jeep. The use of Disney and "Lion King" seem appropriate.
- Contact_FullName:
- JAMES MADSEN
- Contact_Email:
- JMADSEN5@USWEST.NET
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
HONESTY
best --
IT TELLS A ABOUT HOW SOMEONE WAS SURPRISED, BY ANOTHER'S ACT OF KINDNESS.
more work --
THERE IS TO MUCH DETAIL ON SETTING THE MOOD ABOUT PANICING.
intro --
YES, IT MADE ME WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT.
detail
YES
transitions
YES
off topic --
HOW HER SON WANTED TO WATCH MOVIES.
conclusion --
YES, SHE GET'S HER PURSE BACK AND EVERYTHING IS THERE.
change --
NOT ELABORATE ON PANICING, AND WATCHING MOVIES
- Contact_FullName:
- Mary Bolks
- Contact_Email:
- angel215@uswest.net
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
The moral of this essay seems to be that there is still a sliver of honesty along with honest people left today, and that those people should be appreciated and experences like these should always be remembered and appreciated.
best --
The body of the essay is very descriptive and paints a good mental picture allowing the reader to place themselves into the narrative.
more work --
The conclusion needs more work. She gets her purse back and the story is over. We (the readers) are left hanging.
intro --
To an extent, the introduction catches my interest. It makes the reader wonder why such a long drive is taking place, but it isn't exactly spine tingling.
detail
Most of the paragraphs in the essay contain specific detail, towards the end though the details become fewer. The third paragraph could have included more detail such as just what the worst was that she was fearing.
transitions
There appear to be transitions in the making, as if they were started just not elaborated upon. Between the second and third paragraph there could have been more of a transition, along with between the fourteeth and fifteenth paragraphs and the last and second to last paragraphs.
off topic --
The parts where she is talking about her son wanting to watch the a movie, but I guess it helps in painting the mental picture.
conclusion --
The conclusion doesn't give much feeling of closure to me, it just leaves me wondering if she ever found a way to find the man that returned the purse.
change --
If this were my essay, I would try to avoid beginning any of the paragraphs with "I". Then I would work on the conclusion.
- Contact_FullName:
- mike powers
- Contact_Email:
- myke_po@yahoo.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
you can still trust people.
best --
The author is very descriptive. I enjoy reading that type of essay.
more work --
language. because the author sometimes uses too many words or the wrong words.
intro --
Yes. Because the author was descriptive as well as personal.
detail
Yes, all except the dialogue.
transitions
Yes. I do not see where more are needed.
off topic --
Information about the movies was not necessary. (lion king ect.)
conclusion --
Yes. Because it explains that she found her purse and all the contents were there.
change --
I would have less meaningless information and would do a better job of proofreading. There were a lot of mixed up words in this essay.
- Contact_FullName:
- Jennette Russell
- Contact_Email:
- Babyuni@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
The moral was that the whole world is not lost. There are still people in it who beleave more in helping then they do in taking.
best --
The best was the feeling it gave me. I felt as if I was her. Scared, wondering, and worring about everything I might have lost.
more work --
The ending. It came to a conclusion so fast it was almost abrupt to me.
intro --
Yes. It was discriptive enough to imagine the surounding enviroment. You felt calm and relax while waiting for the plot to thinken.
detail
Yes. I felt as if she was dicriptive without over doing it. In the shorter paragraphs, she used owrds to grab your attention.
transitions
yes they are used. I feel as if the transitions from the night to the morning may have needed to go smoother.
off topic --
I liked all the information.
conclusion --
Yes. She got it back and her delema was over.
change --
The ending but not by much.
- Contact_FullName:
- Janet Bokor
- Contact_Email:
- jrb5004@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
Mankind should be trusted until proven guilty. People assume the worst before investigating the situation to solve the problem.
best --
This essay kept me focused by continuely detailing every moment that she had taken throughout her journey home.
more work --
intro --
It does as I too live in a rural and can relate to the driving conditions she was talking about. I wanted to know more about her driving experience home. It is interesting for me to learn from other peoples experiences.
detail
No. Paragraph 5 could be just about Michael and the movie situation. The part about the phone call to Safeway could be its own paragraph continued to when the clerk told her a gentlement brought it in.
transitions
off topic --
The statement, "how could you not see that purse" Its so big!", and "I don't know," I replied sheepishly, could have been left out due to the demeaning gesture from the women behind the office.
conclusion --
Yes it does. I often assume the worst before I analyze the situation too. It really makes you stop and think that we should not be so defensive and ready to blame someone other than ourselves for our own carelessness.
change --
I would not include the comment from the lady in the office. Other than that I she was very descriptive and interesting to read. I once lost my purse by leaving it in a shopping cart, also in the winter. I can very much relate to the thoughts and feelings she was thinking. I unfortunately did not get my purse back.
- Contact_FullName:
- Janet Bokor
- Contact_Email:
- jrb5004@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
Mankind should be trusted until proven guilty. People assume the worst before investigating the situation to solve the problem.
best --
This essay kept me focused by continuely detailing every moment that she had taken throughout her journey home.
more work --
intro --
The introduction does engage my interest, as I too live in a rural area and can relate to the driving conditions she was talking about. I wanted to know more about her driving experience home. I have learned many things from other peoples experiences.
detail
Paragraph 5 could be just about Michael and the movie situation. The part about the phone call to Safeway could be its own paragraph and continued to when the clerk told her a gentlemen brought it in.
transitions
off topic --
The statement, "how could you not see that purse" Its so big!", and "I don't know," I replied sheepishly, could have been left out due to the demeaning gesture from the women behind the office.
conclusion --
The conclusion does give me a felling of closure. I often assume the worst before I analyze the situation too. It really makes you stop and think that we should not be so defensive and ready to blame someone other than ourselves for our own carelessness.
change --
I would not include the comment from the lady in the office. Other than that, I think she was very descriptive and interesting to read. I once lost my purse by leaving it in a shopping cart also during the winter. I sympathize and relate to the thoughts and feelings she was thinking. I unfortunately did not get my purse back.
- Contact_FullName:
- Cathy Bentley
- Contact_Email:
- citkat63@hotmail.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
The moral is that there still are some honest people out there in the big, bad world.
best --
The woman tries maintain her faith in mankind.
more work --
I'm not real sure.
intro --
Yes. It is an interesting story that has positive ending to it.
detail
yes.
transitions
off topic --
The ladies comment about the purse being large was unnecessary.
conclusion --
change --
unsure at this time.
- Contact_FullName:
- Wendy Hoffmeister
- Contact_Email:
- WendyHoff@msn.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
That there still are honest people in the world.
best --
It tells the story in an interesting and descriptive way.
more work --
I would change some of the adjectives used and take out some of the information that is not necessary.
intro --
Yes, It is descriptive.
detail
I thought each paragraph was very detailed.
transitions
yes. I think it's fine the way it is.
off topic --
Yes. Her son wanting to watch movies and the comment on how big the purse was.
conclusion --
Yes. It told how she felt after the incident and concluded the story.
change --
I would change some of the descriptive words and take out the son wanting to watch movies and the size of the purse comment.
- Contact_FullName:
- jessica tangen
- Contact_Email:
- jessica_tangen@hotmail.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
the moral is associated with the discovery and restoration of faith and trust in fellow mankind. This occures through a chance encounter with an honest person.
best --
The essay is written discriptively, with minute details that assist the reader in feeling the writers anxiety. She displays this with her unprovoked outlashes, such as against her young son. Her stream of conscious writing style gives an accurate example of her flustered and frustrated state of mind. The reader begins to feel a little disoriented themselves.
more work --
Her stream of conscious writing style includes rough transitions, a lot of jumping around on subjects, and superfluous information. Also, the conclusion is somewhat weak and maybe a little trite.
intro --
the introduction did engage my interest because i was aware of the exact whereabouts of her utilized geography. Also, it is easy to identify with her feelings of wanting to get home, of exhaustion.
detail
yes, they pretty much all contain specific detail. an adumbration of the contents of her purse might have been added when she is looking to make sure the gentleman did not steal anything. The conclusion could have contained more details as well, rather than just her promise of thinking of this incident in times of waning faith.
transitions
not always, her son and his desire to watch the lion king appeared a couple times throughout the story without much of a transition. but this also added to the story, creating the stream of consciousness effect.
off topic --
again, just maybe her son, the lion king video, and maybe geographic information that wasn't all necessary. the lady working for the store, that asks her how she could forget a purse that large, was also an odd bit of information to write.
conclusion --
it gives closure but lacks real inspiration.
change --
the conclusion. it is brief and doesn't thoroughly convince the reader the legitimacy and importance of the story.
- Contact_FullName:
- Chad Rathburn
- Contact_Email:
- chadr@usautosales.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
I think the moral or theme is that there are honest people left in the world today.
best --
I think the best part of this essay is that we can all relate to this situation.
more work --
Maybe not go into detail as much as she did.
intro --
Yes it does because I've have been in a similar situation.
detail
Yes, I believe that she gave plenty of details.
transitions
I think that it flowed fine.
off topic --
I think she went into a little to much information then needed.
conclusion --
It does to me because its nice to know that someone actually returned her purse.
change --
I would have probably would have compacted it a little more.
- Contact_FullName:
- Jeremy Williams
- Contact_Email:
- jwilly80@home.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
theme --
The moral of the story is that you shouldn't assume the worst in people.
best --
I feel the best part of the essay is that it has a good ending. The essay makes you look at your self and how you would act in this situation.
more work --
I feel the essay needs more structure and to be more organized. The essay tends to jump and includes unnecessary information.
intro --
Yes, the introduction engaged my interest. The introduction reels the reader in to make you wander what happens next.
detail
The paragraph express specific details in her thoughts of were her purse is. I feel that the story had unnecessary details.
transitions
The writer used transition when he moved from being in the car, to talking on the phone. I feel the writer did an all right with transitions and what she was trying to get across.
off topic --
I think the author was off topic in part of the story and she adds some unnecessary information. She talks too much about her emotional feelings and gets away from the topic of losing her purse.
conclusion --
I feel the ending gives a strong closer, but she should have related back to the main topic to make it stronger.
change --
If this were my essay I would organize it better. I feel the essay has some unnecessary information and pulls away from the topic of the essay in the middle. I really liked the essay and it has lots of information and has the potential of being a superior essay.