- Contact_FullName:
- Emily Farrell
- Contact_Email:
- emy_farrell@hotmail.com
theme
The moral theme seems to be about how people show love toward their family. Maybe also the importance of a solid family foundation.
best
I appreciated the explanation of the love that the grandfather seemed to have for his grandaughter. The love strong enough to let her go was explained well.
more work
The final paragraph about the mother and son's feud seems a little out of place. The transition may not have been strong enough.
Introduction
Yes, as I feel most people have been through experiences similar to this one, it holds your attention long enough to carry the reader to the next paragraph.
detail
The first three body paragraphs contain specific detail by quoting directly from the poems that were referred to. The final paragraph, however, does not.
transitions
For the most part, I can see the transitions okay, but I think that it would be helpful to relate each poem to the others when transitioning from paragraph to paragraph. The final paragraph seems to have no transition, or even relationship to the preceeding ones. Maybe look at that again.
off topic
The final paragraph that speaks of the feud between mother and son seem to not relate to the topic. I can see how one could make it fit, but as it is, it seems much off target.
conclusion
No. As I have been saying frequently, the last relationship covered seems out of place, and gives the feeling that you are hanging, waiting for some type of ending.
change?
I would elaborate a little on each paragraph, ant try to expand the transitions a little to keep the flow of the essay a little more stable. I would delete the final paragraph and start from scratch.
comments
I like the voice that the writer has. You can definitely see where s/he is headed.
- Contact_FullName:
- Nick Kelly
- Contact_Email:
- Anhilius@aol.com
theme
That it is family which cares, prepares, and love for one another.
best
The best part about this essay is the way that the author uses her outside sources. This is best because she does a really good job of taking a source, presenting it, and then backing it up with her own ideas.
more work
I think the structure of the essay could use some more work. I believe that, while her points are good, they could be better developed. A solid conclusion could also be used to sum up all of what the author is saying, instead of leaving the reader hanging.
Introduction
Yes, the intro was good enough to draw me into the rest of her essay. She used a decent grabber.
detail
Yes. Each paragraph maintains one point which is supported with text as well as an explanition of that text and the author's own ideas.
transitions
Yes, there are good transitions used, i.e. "another, also," etc. I do not think that she needs to use any more.
off topic
The final paragraph seems to be out of place. In her thesis and intro paragraph, she mentions what she thinks family should be like. There is no mention that she will be discussing what family shouldn't be like. With simple mention in the beginning this last paragraph would not seem out of place.
conclusion
No, in theory there is not a concluding paragraph. The last paragraph offers no conclusion or closure.
change?
If this were my essay I think I would have added more detail into the paragraphs. I would have added more text as well as some more of my thoughts on what family is. I also would have added a conluding paragraph, not just have a last paragraph.
comments
This was almost as fun as the first time I got to do it :) (That is a smiley face, by the way.)
- Contact_FullName:
- Rachel Garnett
- Contact_Email:
- Rgarnett80@aol.com
theme
How family members care for one another and how they act towards each other.
best
The author gives examples from the text and adds clarification for why he chooses those lines.
more work
The concluding paragraph mentioned "Soul Go Home". The author stated what it was about, but not enough in detail. I was confused when he said the woman was mad because she now lost her opportunity to remarry.
Introduction
Yes. The statements are exclamated and I want to find out what is going on. It also has a bit of familiarity with my life.
detail
Yes. The details explained clearly.
transitions
I think the first paragraph in the body can use a transition in the last sentence. It seemed to end sort of abruptly.
off topic
The paragraph on "Flight" is sort of awkward. It seems to deal with a grandfather's feeling towards his grandaughter, rather than how he treated her.
conclusion
Yes. The comparison to what the author thinks wouldn't be family helps to make the reader understand the author's definition of family. I am able to see the author's stand point.
change?
I think I would have more examples and lines from the readings used, just develop my viewpoint clearly. Also, I wouldn't have used "Flight".
comments
Overall, this was a good paper, but a little short.
- Contact_FullName:
- Cassie Clemons
- Contact_Email:
- VGymGirl01@aol.com
theme
Family that voices infinite care for its members' welfare.
best
The best thing about the essay was the length. It was short, sweet, and to the point.
more work
The intro and thesis statement because when I first started to read the essay I didn't understand what it was about until I reached the end.
Introduction
The very beginning of the introduction engaged my interest because the first words were a command and I was curious what the commotion was about.
detail
Each paragraph contained specific detail to each of the poems that the author read.
transitions
Yes the transitions helped the ideas flow, except for between paragraph one and two. This kind of confused me because it seemed like it was going from one topic to another. There wasn't really a transition.
off topic
I was kind of confused in between the first and second paragraphs. Are they the same story/poem? Is it a story or poem?
conclusion
No, because it ends with just a conclusion of one part of the essay and not with a conclusion of the whole essay.
change?
Everything. The intro is confusing. I would have a definate intro and thesis. The reader would know exactly what they were reading. Second, I would have a clear conclusion, not one that just drops off and leaves a reader in the dark.
comments
No.
- Contact_FullName:
- Zoia Stafford
- Contact_Email:
- LuvStruckByHim@aol.com
theme
The morral or theme is basically the impact that a mother/father or even grandfather can play in ones life is by far greater than that of anyone else.
best
I like how many examples and support is offered throughout the paper. It was easy to follow and easy to grasp.
more work
I think the writer could have expanded in some areas. There could have been more detail and explanation following the examples.
Introduction
Yes, I think that the intro is very catchy. I could easily relate to it. I could remember my mom saying the same things to me when I was younger.
detail
Each paragraph does have detail, but I think that the paragraph about "Flight" could have been expanded. The writer could have added more after the quote about letting go.
transitions
Yes, I think that transitions were used very well. As I said before, I think that the entire paper flows nicely.
off topic
I don't really know that the last paragraph is really off topic, but it doesn't really fit. Maybe if the writer expanded more on their reasons for adding in something that totally contradicts the rest of the paper, it would have been more clear.
conclusion
No, I wanted more about the last parapraph. I wanted to know more about the writers experiences also.
change?
I would either add to or discard the last paragraph. I would expand on the the "Flight" paragraph and maybe add some to my experiences.
comments
All in all, I thought the paper was very good.
- Contact_FullName:
- theresa kiehn
- Contact_Email:
- talktom820@msn.com
theme
The theme is the endless love for a child
best
I feel the best was that three main points were named and described explaining the main theme. This is the best because it makes the theme clear and easy to understand if it is backed by three main ideas.
more work
Each main point could go into a little more depth, viewing the poets idea and maybe a personal experience to relate to that. That would give the essay a little more of an intrest and depth.
Introduction
The introduction definately strikes an intrest. One being that I was raised properly being told what to do all the time. Two, I have two young daughters that I see myself doing the exact same thing.
detail
I feel that each of the three substance paragraphs could use more detail.
transitions
From the third and fourth paragraph there shoul be some sort of transition letting the reader know that they are moving on to the final idea.
off topic
The closing paragraph seems to be off topic, it is the exact opposite of what the main idea is.
conclusion
I dont think that the closing gives a feeling of closure because it doesn't finish by tieing all the main points together.
change?
I realy enjoyed the essay. If it were my own I would have had the closing tye up all my supporting ideas.
comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Tiffany Steen
- Contact_Email:
- spiffytiff666@hotmail.com
theme
The moral and theme of this narrative is that even though your family may hound you, it's because they care. This is most cases though, because the author gives an example of a family that does not really care.
best
The author gives an example of how it is not always the case that the family loves you when they hound you. This is the best part because too often people write about how things are and forget to mention the exceptions to the rules.
more work
She doesn't give ehnough examples of the cases where it's not love that causes bickering. Too often in this era, it's hatred, not love, that causes problems and the auther doesn't tell us this.
Introduction
The introduction engages my interest because I can relate to it as most people can. I think being hounded at the dinner table by your mother is a common experiance for most people.
detail
Each paragraph explains in enough detail that I can understand what she is trying to say enven though I have never read the poems or stories she is using.
transitions
The transitions in this paper flow well. I never got lost or had to reread to catch the meaning. She did a great job.
off topic
The author stays on track and never seems to stray from her original topic of family love through what seem like hateful things. She keeps it clear and cut.
conclusion
The conclusion made me feel there should be more. She talks of love and then switches to hate in the end and never really seems to close the paper up. She kind of leaves you hanging.
change?
If I wrote this essay, I would add more about the hatred in families and then have a conclusion about the love and hate in a family. Her topic was only the love. I would have brought in the hate of family to my topic as well.
comments
This essay was pretty good.
- Contact_FullName:
- Judy Johnson
- Contact_Email:
- N/A
theme
The theme is how different people are raised and brought up in this world because of money and paret's morals.
best
I think the best part of this essay is that the author keeps on topic but varies off of one piece of writing.
more work
The structure needs more work. I think the paragraphs could have been arranged better.
Introduction
Yes, the introduction interests me. i remember hearing those things from my onw mother so it brought back memories for me.
detail
Yes, each paragraph contains a specific detail about the work.
transitions
The transitions that the author uses form paragraph to paragraph help the page flow easier. The author may have been able to word them differently but it is not nessessary to understand the paper.
off topic
No, everything seems to be on topic. If anything is slightly off topice the author brought me back to the topic in the next sentence.
conclusion
No. I don't feel that there was closure. Another paragraph may be needed to have the full closure.
change?
The structure, conclusion,and the transitions are the only things I would change.
comments
Nice essay just a few changes needed.
- Contact_FullName:
- Peter Hawley
- Contact_Email:
- blackadderthe2ed@hotmail.com
theme
The way that a "family voices infinite care for its members' welfare."
best
The why that the writer explains everything. This makes it more convincing.
more work
The transitions don't quite flow. You might be able to fix it by rewording them. (This is only my opinion:)
Introduction
It engages your interest, because it starts in the middle of an event.
detail
Yes, all of the paragraphs contain specific detail.
transitions
For the most part, yes. I might change the ending of the second paragraph, or the begining sentance of the third.
off topic
The example in the last paragraph seems to be somewhat off the topic. However, the rest seems to be consistent.
conclusion
No, not really, it feels like it introduces another topic.
change?
I would change the conclusion. Make it something lighter and more on the topic.
comments
Well written. It seemed, for the most part, to follow the topic. The writer gave examples and explained them.
- Contact_FullName:
- Shayne Blevins
- Contact_Email:
- hobbybrush@aol.com
theme
relationships between family members, and what one can call a nuclear family vs broken family unit.
best
The best is getting the different points of view from many poems about the same subjects.
more work
I understand where the author is coming from, but what kinds of statistics are their to support, or what would the author like to accomplish.
Introduction
yes but it doesn't talk about my family background. These are examples of what I only hear about.
detail
All of them have good details about what the author is trying to convey.
transitions
transitions are used amongst the paragraphs, but could be used between paragraphs.
off topic
the first ones are about life, the last one is about death.
conclusion
I did not see much of a conclusion at all. I did not read where the author gave me their point of view.
change?
I would try to Make it more flowing between the paragraphs, and add a conclusion of my own thoughts.
comments
It is easier to read at home where there are not as many distractions to fully comprehend the jiffs of the material.
- Contact_FullName:
- Arika Olson
- Contact_Email:
- pupcake09@hotmail.com
theme
The theme of the essay is that the family is the foundation for providing care, and looking out for its members.
best
I liked the introduction. The author uses personal experience to draw the reader in. Also, the topic is something most every one can relate to.
more work
I think the conclusion needs more work. Throughout the body of the essay the author supports the thesis. She uses examples like: "a typical mother anticipates the best outcome for her teen daughter,"(paragraph 2), and "a mother's endless care for her deaf child." However, at the end of the essay the author disproves her thesis statement by giving an example of family with a "bitter mother and a resentful son".(patagraph 5) To make it a better essay I would reccommend that the author re-write the concluding paragraph. She should again state her thesis and write sentances that support it and end the essay.
Introduction
Yes, I liked the introduction. I can remember when I was young hearing those phrases shouted at me. I think the introduction is good beceause table manners is something most everyone can relate to.
detail
Yes each paragraph does contais specific deatail. Even the last paragraph which disproves the thesis has detail.
transitions
Transitions are used in the body of the essay. However there is not a transition, or a hint that the author is going to talk about something else than her thisis, in the conculding paragraph. She needs to re-write her thesis if she is going to give examples of families that do not care for eachother. If the author were to do this she would need a better transition in the last paragraph.
off topic
The last paragraph doesn't relate to the thesis of the essay. Also, the paragraph that talks about the grandfather relates more to his struggles than it does to how he experesses care for his grandaughter.
conclusion
The conclusion does not give any feeling of closure. It ends abrubtly, and the whole paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of the essay.
change?
I would give a different example to replace the paragraph that talks about the grandfather. I would also throw out the last paragraph completley and not use an example that disproves the thesis.
comments
I liked this exercise! It was useful to test my feedback skills! Thanks!
- Contact_FullName:
- Rachel Martire
- Contact_Email:
- rrwarner61@msn.com
theme
How familys want to teach there children,manners,morals,and life skills. How these familys all want the best for there children.
best
How each writing that was noted in this essay was a completely different story, and still had the same meaning. A mom, dad, grandparent, whom ever it be. They all were trying to teach the same kind of things.
more work
I think that the writer of this essay neededs to be a little more discriptive about the point of all of these summarys being combined.
Introduction
Yes, because it brings you write into whats going on in the essay. I enjoy bazar, and to the point introductions instead of professional ones. It sucks you right in.
detail
Each paragraph contains a summary of another writting, and the closing throws in a complete opposite summary.
transitions
Yes, the summarys make for easy reading. The summarys were well done. There wasn't over quoting of the storys used because the author understood what he was writing about.
off topic
I felt a nice flow when I was reading, I never really lost track of the topic until the closing paragraph, but even then it was a great ending.
conclusion
Yes, but it was an abroupt end and I did not think it would close like that. I do think it was a good idea throwing in a contrast, to stop the flow.
change?
I would have put in some more of my own opinions in, on the subject. I would have changed the title to something more fitting.
comments
I enjoyed reading this essay it was something I can relate to with my life experiences and family.I say that the author did a wonderful job, it's a lot eaiser to sit back and be a critic then to actually do it.
- Contact_FullName:
- Mary McCallum
- Contact_Email:
- mary_mccallum2002@hotmail.com
theme
The moral of this narrative is the objective of the family that accents infinate care for its family member's wellbeing
best
The best issue about the essay is how the family's caregivers, whether they be the parents or grandparents, realize what they need to do for the best possible care for their children/grandchildren, be it mental or physical health.
more work
I believe that the instructor, Jan, mentioned that the identifying labels (commas, quotes with pages, etc) were done incorrectly. Also, I noticed there was no formal introduction to the opening of the summary, nor was there maybe an informal introduction to each additional example given. (The 3rd paragraph started out with "Another example..." Yuko did not say of what the example was of.)
Introduction
Yes, the introduction engages my interest. Because I am a mother, I believe I connect more to this form of human nature, with a natural nurturing regarding children. The beginning is something I have heard many times as a child myself, from my parents.
detail
The second paragraph does not contain enough information for me to understand. I need to guess that there was more said in the conversation between the mother and the 13 year old child, regarding the baker and the bread.
transitions
There is not a graceful transition from the first to the 2ndparagraph. The 3rd paragraph has a transition, yet it is not instroduced quite addequately. The
off topic
Yes, with the last paragraph, the bitter mother and her resentful son. In this paragraph, Yuko gets off the topic by mentioning what happened after the son had died, coming back to haunt her, etc.
conclusion
No, I do not believe that there was a closure to Yuko's essay. Yuko did not even put a closure on the last story. I was left hanging, waiting for more.
change?
If this were my essay, I would make sure that I had proper identifying title and page numbers typed in; I would make sure there was a pertinent transition to each new paragraph; and I would make sure that each paragraph would have a proper closure to it, and then make a grand closure, to sum it all up (conclusion) for the entire essay.
comments
When I take a close look at the engineering of Yuko's essay, I realized that she has some work to do. I did enjoy what she wrote about (the topic).
- Contact_FullName:
- Shauna Schumacher
- Contact_Email:
- supershauna18@aol.com
theme
It's family that expresses bottom less care for it's members well being.
best
This essay really offered many examples to his theme. They all supported his theme well.
more work
In the second paragraph I had to go back and reread it because I really wasn't understanding what he was saying, and someone who hasn't read what he has might not know exactly what he means by his quote.
Introduction
This introduction does grab my attention. I like how he used the phrases he did and with exclamation marks it made it more dramatic and caught your attention.
detail
They all contained specific detail I thought it was very well supported paper.
transitions
I think he needs to use more transitions when he begins a new paragraph.
off topic
Well I kind of thought that his last paragraph was kind of weakening to his topic, unless he had to include it in his paper.
conclusion
I don't think there really is a conclusion after his last paragraph, he should of had a better conclusion.
change?
I would change the last paragraph, describe the first paragraphs quote better, and have a much better conclusion.
comments
no
- Contact_FullName:
- Jesse Kendall
- Contact_Email:
- Maxllion@aol.com
theme
Although family will nag you or "police" you they do it because they care about you and about who you will be when your older.
best
I like how she touched alot of points and begane to explaine them and answer why each situation was they way it is.
more work
She could have gone into a littl emore depth in each example. Each one only had about a setntence or to explaining it. She didnt use any examples from her childhood.
Introduction
Yes, becuase almost everyone has hear a mother of father tell usto kaap out elbows off the table, or something like that.
detail
They do contain specific detail but not much. In the first paragraoh we know her parents told her thoughs things, but not how it made her feel or what she did.
transitions
I think transitions were used nicely.
off topic
I don't think so. There is, however, quite a difference between a mother telling a child to sit properly and a mother worrieing over her blind child's future.
conclusion
No, I was waiting for another paragraph or too, she ended on a single thought and didn't really sum up all her points.
change?
I would add one or two more paragraphs to conclude everything and explain how I felt about what parents do and think interms of there children and how they'll be in the future.
comments
- Contact_FullName:
- L. Scott McConnell
- Contact_Email:
theme
Parents demonstrate care for their family by guiding them and ultimately letting them go.
best
It describes the classic universal struggle of parents of control and setting free.
more work
The last paragraph seems out of place with the rest of the essay.
Introduction
Yes, because there is not a child on earth who has not confronted at some level their own resistance to authority. She expressed this struggle well.
detail
All give specific detail.
transitions
I would probably use an additional sentence at the end of each paragraph to summarixe that paragraph in relationship to the theme.
off topic
Yes, the last paragraph introduces an opposing element.
conclusion
No, it doesn't summarize the main thesis but rather introduces an opposition to the theme.
change?
I would provide clearer transitions paragraph to paragraph, delete the existing final paragraph and add a summary and closing statement that ties things together.
comments
The three examples in the body of the piece were excellent.
- Contact_FullName:
- L. Scott McConnell
- Contact_Email:
theme
Parents demonstrate care for their family by guiding them and ultimately letting them go.
best
It describes the classic universal struggle of parents of control and setting free.
more work
The last paragraph seems out of place with the rest of the essay.
Introduction
Yes, because there is not a child on earth who has not confronted at some level their own resistance to authority. She expressed this struggle well.
detail
All give specific detail.
transitions
I would probably use an additional sentence at the end of each paragraph to summarixe that paragraph in relationship to the theme.
off topic
Yes, the last paragraph introduces an opposing element.
conclusion
No, it doesn't summarize the main thesis but rather introduces an opposition to the theme.
change?
I would provide clearer transitions paragraph to paragraph, delete the existing final paragraph and add a summary and closing statement that ties things together.
comments
The three examples in the body of the piece were excellent.