- Contact_FullName:
- fasd
- Contact_Email:
-
moral --
atd
best --
more work --
afd
intro --
dsf
specifics --
transitions --
sadf
off topic --
asdf
conclusion --
change --
dsf
- Contact_FullName:
-
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
dsf
best --
afd
more work --
intro --
sadf
specifics --
transitions --
dsf
off topic --
conclusion --
dsf
change --
- Contact_FullName:
-
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
best --
more work --
intro --
specifics --
transitions --
off topic --
conclusion --
change --
- Contact_FullName:
- Kevi Burton
- Contact_Email:
- briteeyes18@hotmail.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
I feel that the theme of this narrative is that the man was honest and returned her
purse with none of the contents missing. She was really lucky that nothing was missing
from her purse. This story just proves that there still is decent people with good morals.
best --
I think that the introduction is the best part of the essay because it is very strong
and it grabs your interest and makes you want to keep on reading.
more work --
I do not think that anything in this essay needs more work. It gets straight to the
point, and holds your interest throughout the whole essay. This was very strong essay.
intro --
Yes, it caught my attention and made me want to keep reading, it doesn't really tell
you what the essay is about, but the way the introduction is worded makes you want to find
out the rest of the story.
specifics --
I think that each paragraph contains specific detail.
transitions --
Yes transitions are used.
off topic --
Yes, the information in the essay that is off topic is about how her son wanted to
watch "The Lion King"
conclusion --
Yes the conclusion gives a feeling of closure. She found her purse and it gave her more
faith in mankind.
change --
I probably wouldn't change anything. I feel the essay is very good as it is.
- Contact_FullName:
- M'Lisa Bachmann
- Contact_Email:
- mcheyenneb@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
That there is still good in the world. Some people still have integrity.
best --
The last paragraph, because it is the only time I understood what the meaning of the
paper was.
more work --
Some of the wording need to be changed because it is confusing and she needs to let the
reader know up front what the point of the story is. Readers take stories diffent ways
depending on what you are trying to prove.
intro --
no, because I was confused trying to figure out what driving had to do with honesty.
She started talking about the icy roads which could have built anticipation but then she
said it didn't bother her so it didn't worry me either. I felt like "why mention it
than?
specifics --
I thought they gave enough detail but some of them gave detail that was not important
to the main theme. like "The Lion King" and then falling asleep and going to
bed. unless she was going to back it up with nightmares of the lost purse of
sleeplessness.
transitions --
between paragraph 3-4,14-15(going to bed...mom driving to safeway)and before the last
paragraph
off topic --
The information about where her son had spent the day, when she watched the movie with
her son and then went to bed.
conclusion --
When she says I am indebted to this man for more than the recovery of my purse she
should either explain that or put it at the beginning of the paragraph, or even work on a
beginning paragraph and use that sentence there.
change --
Make it more interesting for the reader. Start the paper with a thesis statement, so
the reader know where you are going with the story. Leave out information not important to
the story.
- Contact_FullName:
- TIna Pleasants
- Contact_Email:
- t1178@yahoo.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
The moral of this narrative is that we should think more positively about people in
general than we normally do when things go wrong. Although sometimes rare in our society,
there are some honest left in the world who know how it feels to be lose something and can
realize how greatful they would be if someone were to return their lost belongings.
best --
The best part about this essay was that it put me in the place of the woman who lost
her purse. When she was looking for her purse and awaiting the answer of the
"Safeway" employee, I felt her anxiety. The author used an excellent combination
of descriptive words when telling about how the woman felt in the story. I also found the
active verbs to be very effective.
more work --
The transitions weren't very effective, the paragraphs didn't flow very well into one
another. The sentences need to be more parallel and the Lion King doesn't really fit into
the paper very well. If she absolutely needed to include something about Michael it should
be more of a general statement, such as, "...he kept perstering me," or
something of that nature. There are also one or two run-ons in the paper that could be
corrected by a semicolon, or splitting up the sentence.
intro --
The introduction does a little to capture my attention, but it starts out with this
feeling of relaxation and relief which could be effective if it were more developed. The
way it is presented now makes me want to fall asleep and stop reading. The author could
start off with somekind of action or even give a little mystery to why she feels relieved.
specifics --
Many of the more descriptive paragraphs, such as the ones describing Lynn's
feelings,and when she was driving back to Safeway in the morning, were very effective.
However, the first and the last paragraphs need more development and details to make the
paper stronger and clearer.
transitions --
Overall, most of the transitions fulfilled there purpose but they are still a little
chopped up. Specifically, the transitions between paragraphs 1 & 2, 4 & 5, and 17
& 18 need to be improved.
off topic --
The "Lion King" definately did not belong in this story. The presence of
Michael and him making things worse was rellivant, but he should have been included in
more general terms rather than specifically including his requests for the "Lion
King."
conclusion --
The conclusion works well in this paper, but it does need to be a little more
developed. Even so, the original one does fulfill its purpose of closing the essay. It
does have an effective moral, but it seems to have appeared out of nowhere. There wasn't
really a strong indication in the paper about her feelings toward all people being
dishonest until the middle of the narrative. In order to make the original conclusion
stronger, Lynn should try to somehow include that feeling somewhere in the introduction
and mention it a bit more throughout the essay.
change --
If this were my essay, I would change the introduction, make the sentences more
parallel, and work with the transitions a little more. I would exclude reference to the
Lion King movie because they don't make fit into the paper. I would keep the conclusion,
but I would throw in anxious fears about someone steeling its contents and not returning
the purse from the moment that I realized it was missing.
- Contact_FullName:
- TIna Pleasants
- Contact_Email:
- t1178@yahoo.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
The moral of this narrative is that we should think more positively about people in
general than we normally do when things go wrong. Although sometimes rare in our society,
there are some honest people left in the world who know how it feels to be lose something
and can realize how greatful they would be if someone were to return their lost
belongings.
best --
The best part about this essay was that it put me in the place of the woman who lost
her purse. When she was looking for her purse and awaiting the answer of the
"Safeway" employee, I felt her anxiety. The author used an excellent combination
of descriptive words when telling about how the woman felt in the story. I also found the
active verbs to be very effective.
more work --
The transitions weren't very effective, the paragraphs didn't flow very well into one
another. The sentences need to be more parallel and the Lion King doesn't really fit into
the paper very well. If she absolutely needed to include something about Michael it should
be more of a general statement, such as, "...he kept perstering me," or
something of that nature. There are also one or two run-ons in the paper that could be
corrected by a semicolon, or splitting up the sentence.
intro --
The introduction does a little to capture my attention, but it starts out with this
feeling of relaxation and relief which could be effective if it were more developed. The
way it is presented now makes me want to fall asleep and stop reading. The author could
start off with somekind of action or even give a little mystery to why she feels relieved.
specifics --
Many of the more descriptive paragraphs, such as the ones describing Lynn's
feelings,and when she was driving back to Safeway in the morning, were very effective.
However, the first and the last paragraphs need more development and details to make the
paper stronger and clearer.
transitions --
Overall, most of the transitions fulfilled there purpose but they are still a little
chopped up. Specifically, the transitions between paragraphs 1 & 2, 4 & 5, and 17
& 18 need to be improved.
off topic --
The "Lion King" definately did not belong in this story. The presence of
Michael and him making things worse was rellivant, but he should have been included in
more general terms rather than specifically including his requests for the "Lion
King."
conclusion --
The conclusion works well in this paper, but it does need to be a little more
developed. Even so, the original one does fulfill its purpose of closing the essay. It
does have an effective moral, but it seems to have appeared out of nowhere. There wasn't
really a strong indication in the paper about her feelings toward all people being
dishonest until the middle of the narrative. In order to make the original conclusion
stronger, Lynn should try to somehow include that feeling somewhere in the introduction
and mention it a bit more throughout the essay.
change --
If this were my essay, I would change the introduction, make the sentences more
parallel, and work with the transitions a little more. I would exclude reference to the
Lion King movie because they don't make fit into the paper. I would keep the conclusion,
but I would throw in anxious fears about someone steeling its contents and not returning
the purse from the moment that I realized it was missing.
- Contact_FullName:
- TIna Pleasants
- Contact_Email:
- t1178@yahoo.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
The moral of this narrative is that we should think more positively about people in
general than we normally do when things go wrong. Although sometimes rare in our society,
there are some honest people left in the world who know how it feels to be lose something
and can realize how greatful they would be if someone were to return their lost
belongings.
best --
The best part about this essay was that it put me in the place of the woman who lost
her purse. When she was looking for her purse and awaiting the answer of the
"Safeway" employee, I felt her anxiety. The author used an excellent combination
of descriptive words when telling about how the woman felt in the story. I also found the
active verbs to be very effective.
more work --
The transitions need a little more work, the paragraphs didn't flow very well into one
another. The sentences need to be more parallel and the Lion King doesn't really fit into
the paper very well. If she absolutely needed to include something about Michael it should
be more of a general statement, such as, "...he kept perstering me," or
something of that nature. There are also one or two run-ons in the paper that could be
corrected by a semicolon, or splitting up the sentence.
intro --
The introduction does a little to capture my attention, but it starts out with this
feeling of relaxation and relief which could be effective if it were more developed. The
way it is presented now makes me want to fall asleep and stop reading. The author could
start off with somekind of action or even give a little mystery to why she feels relieved.
specifics --
Many of the more descriptive paragraphs, such as the ones describing Lynn's
feelings,and when she was driving back to Safeway in the morning, were very effective.
However, the first and the last paragraphs need more development and details to make the
paper stronger and clearer.
transitions --
Overall, most of the transitions fulfilled there purpose but they are still a little
chopped up. Specifically, the transitions between paragraphs 1 & 2, 4 & 5, and 17
& 18 need to be improved.
off topic --
The "Lion King" definately did not belong in this story. The presence of
Michael and him making things worse was rellivant, but he should have been included in
more general terms rather than specifically including his requests for the "Lion
King."
conclusion --
The conclusion works well in this paper, but it does need to be a little more
developed. Even so, the original one does fulfill its purpose of closing the essay. It
does have an effective moral, but it seems to have appeared out of nowhere. There wasn't
really a strong indication in the paper about her feelings toward all people being
dishonest until the middle of the narrative. In order to make the original conclusion
stronger, Lynn should try to somehow include that feeling somewhere in the introduction
and mention it a bit more throughout the essay.
change --
If this were my essay, I would change the introduction, make the sentences more
parallel, and work with the transitions a little more. I would exclude reference to the
Lion King movie because they don't make fit into the paper. I would keep the conclusion,
but I would throw in anxious fears about someone steeling its contents and not returning
the purse from the moment that I realized it was missing.
- Contact_FullName:
- TIna Pleasants
- Contact_Email:
- t1178@yahoo.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
The moral of this narrative is that we should think more positively about people in
general than we normally do when things go wrong. Although sometimes rare in our society,
there are some honest people left in the world who know how it feels to be lose something
and can realize how greatful they would be if someone were to return their lost
belongings.
best --
The best part about this essay was that it put me in the place of the woman who lost
her purse. When she was looking for her purse and awaiting the answer of the
"Safeway" employee, I felt her anxiety. The author used an excellent combination
of descriptive words when telling about how the woman felt in the story. I also found the
active verbs to be very effective.
more work --
The transitions need a little more work, the paragraphs didn't flow very well into one
another. The sentences need to be more parallel and the Lion King doesn't really fit into
the paper very well. If she absolutely needed to include something about Michael it should
be more of a general statement, such as, "...he kept perstering me," or
something of that nature. There are also one or two run-ons in the paper that could be
corrected by a semicolon, or splitting up the sentence.
intro --
The introduction does a little to capture my attention, but it starts out with this
feeling of relaxation and relief which could be effective if there were some action or
even a little mystery included in it. The way it is presented now makes me want to fall
asleep and stop reading. The author could start off with somekind of action or even give a
little mystery to why she feels relieved.
specifics --
Many of the more descriptive paragraphs, such as the ones describing Lynn's
feelings,and when she was driving back to Safeway in the morning, were very effective.
However, the first and the last paragraphs need more development and details to make the
paper stronger and clearer.
transitions --
Overall, most of the transitions fulfilled there purpose but they are still a little
chopped up. Specifically, the transitions between paragraphs 1 & 2, 4 & 5, and 17
& 18 need to be improved.
off topic --
The "Lion King" definately did not belong in this story. The presence of
Michael and him making things worse was rellivant, but he should have been included in
more general terms rather than specifically including his requests for the "Lion
King."
conclusion --
The conclusion works well in this paper, but it does need to be a little more
developed. Even so, the original one does fulfill its purpose of closing the essay. It
does have an effective moral, but it seems to have appeared out of nowhere. There wasn't
really a strong indication in the paper about her feelings toward all people being
dishonest until the middle of the narrative. In order to make the original conclusion
stronger, Lynn should try to somehow include that feeling somewhere in the introduction
and mention it a bit more throughout the essay.
change --
If this were my essay, I would change the introduction, make the sentences more
parallel, and work with the transitions a little more. I would exclude reference to the
Lion King movie because they don't make fit into the paper. I would keep the conclusion,
but I would throw in anxious fears about someone steeling its contents and not returning
the purse from the moment that I realized it was missing.
- Contact_FullName:
- Kim Phegley
- Contact_Email:
- kidapheg@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
The moral of the narrative is even when all seems lost, there still remains a glimmer
of hope in human-kind. I have been in the same situation, and I chastized myself for my
thoughtlessness, never dreaming I would see my purse again. Thankfully people are
genuinely good for the most part, because my purse was also returned.
best --
The writer involved me in her fear using colorful adjectives to implore upon my sense
of imagination.
more work --
I thought that the introduction could have been more developed.
intro --
The introduction seemed a little weak in comparison with the entire body. Though it
certainly made me curious it just needed a little more development.
specifics --
I thought that all of the paragraphs, with the exception of the first and last, were
quite specific.
transitions --
At the introduction and conclusion there could have been smoother transitions. However
I thought the rest of the paper flowed quite well.
off topic --
The part where the woman stuck her head out to exclaim how big the purse was did not
seem necessary, but it added to the situation.
conclusion --
I did not feel a great deal of closure; I thought it could have been a bit more
developed, maybe a quotation or something to wrap it up.
change --
I thought the essay was very well done. I would probably touch up the introduction and
the conclusion.
- Contact_FullName:
- Kim Phegley
- Contact_Email:
- kidapheg@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
The moral of the narrative is: even when all seems lost, there still remains a glimmer
of hope in human-kind. I have been in the same situation, and I chastized myself for my
thoughtlessness, never dreaming I would see my purse again. Thankfully people are
genuinely good for the most part, because my purse was also returned.
best --
The writer involved me in her fear using colorful adjectives to implore upon my sense
of imagination.
more work --
I thought that the introduction could have been more developed.
intro --
The introduction seemed a little weak in comparison with the entire body. Though it
certainly made me curious it just needed a little more development.
specifics --
I thought that all of the paragraphs, with the exception of the first and last, were
quite specific.
transitions --
At the introduction and conclusion there could have been smoother transitions. However
I thought the rest of the paper flowed quite well.
off topic --
The part where the woman stuck her head out to exclaim how big the purse was did not
seem necessary, but it added to the situation.
conclusion --
I did not feel a great deal of closure; I thought it could have been a bit more
developed, maybe a quotation or something to wrap it up.
change --
I thought the essay was very well done. I would probably touch up the introduction and
the conclusion.
- Contact_FullName:
- Christie Grochowski
- Contact_Email:
- louwho15@aol.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
Some people aren't as bad as people make them out to be! There should still be trust in
the fact that there are still some people that are responsible and hoest.
best --
The best part was that she found her purse and that all of the contents were still
present.
more work --
What needs more work is the explaination of how she thought to call Safeway. It seemed
like she went from frantic to calling Safeway.
intro --
Yes it did engage my interest because it made me think about where she could possibly
live and where if she was talking about it being such a long drive. I also enjoyed the
presentation of her feelings as she approached her home!
specifics --
Yes each paragraph contained specific detail! It began with her coming home and how she
found out that her purse was missing. Then the paragraph about her driving to the house,
then her frustration, then her feelings about finding the purse and how she could not
sleep all night and then her drive to Spokane!
transitions --
Yes. The short conversation that took place between her and Dave, at Safeway, created a
flow within the paper. Her feelings carried over into each paragraph which created flow
also!
off topic --
There doesn't seem to be abything that is off topic beacause she combined the felling
of frustration into her feeling towards her son asking for "Lion King," along
with everything else that was flowing through her mind!
conclusion --
Yes because it regains her trust in those that are around her. Though, she still
wonders who the person is that did this generous gesture.
change --
I wonder about her husband or who's name it was on the checks. Who is he and there
should be some type of elaboration about him. What was his role?
- Contact_FullName:
- Peggy Cunningham
- Contact_Email:
- Peggy_Cunningham@hotmail.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
It is about a women who lost her purse and had already made up her mind that someone
had probaly stole it and she wasn't going to get it back.
best --
I liked the part that when she called Safeway to find out if they had her purse and she
found out that they did, that someone was honesty enough to do that without taking
anything.
more work --
I think she is alittle confessing in the first couple of paragraphs. She starts out
talking how tried she is and than goes into losing her purse.
intro --
It does alittle, at first I think she is going to hit a animal or go off the road and
have some kind of accident.
specifics --
I think only 2,4,5,7, and 8 give the most detail, though some of it is kind of out of
order.
transitions --
There are some transitions in the larger paragraphs. I feel that the shorter on need
more, they are like listen to someone talk. They are to short.
off topic --
The introduction is off, because it makes you thing there will be and accient or
something. Nothing about her losing her purse, I think she needs more detail in the first
couple of paragraphs.
conclusion --
Yes, because she gets her purse back with everything in it.
change --
I would change the some of the paragraphs, she jumps from her son wanting to watch the
Loin King to how she feels about losing her purse. Some parts of this doesn't make since
to me. I would change it to were the son comes first and the purse in the next.
- Contact_FullName:
- Shelby Brown
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
best --
more work --
intro --
specifics --
transitions --
off topic --
conclusion --
change --
- Contact_FullName:
- Shelby Brown
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
There are still good people out there in this world we live in.
best --
The description was what kept my attention as well as the fact that I was familiar with
the locations in the story.
more work --
The transitions were a bit shaky and many paragraphs were undeveloped.
intro --
I almost always like a good scene with strong feeling to start. This one got me
interested right away.
specifics --
Most paragraphs are quite detailed. The sections with narrative were the most
distracting.
transitions --
The lack of transitions keeps me from truly liking this piece. There isn't a flow to
this paper and it is all too obvious.
off topic --
The talk about her son was real to me as a mother but definitely seemed distracting.
Also the comment about missing a purse that size was unneccessary.
conclusion --
I actually would have liked to hear a little more on the restored faith concept. I was
left with a "where's the rest?" feeling.
change --
I'd eliminate the distractions,develope the needy paragraph, and add some depth to the
conclusion.---SWhelby
- Contact_FullName:
- Shelby Brown
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
There are still good people out there in this world we live in.
best --
The description was what kept my attention as well as the fact that I was familiar with
the locations in the story.
more work --
The transitions were a bit shaky and many paragraphs were undeveloped.
intro --
I almost always like a good scene with strong feeling to start. This one got me
interested right away.
specifics --
Most paragraphs are quite detailed. The sections with narrative were the most
distracting.
transitions --
The lack of transitions keeps me from truly liking this piece. There isn't a flow to
this paper and it is all too obvious.
off topic --
The talk about her son was real to me as a mother but definitely seemed distracting.
Also the comment about missing a purse that size was unneccessary.
conclusion --
I actually would have liked to hear a little more on the restored faith concept. I was
left with a "where's the rest?" feeling.
change --
I'd eliminate the distractions,develope the needy paragraph, and add some depth to the
conclusion.---SWhelby
- Contact_FullName:
- Shelby Brown
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
There are still good people out there in this world we live in.
best --
The description was what kept my attention as well as the fact that I was familiar with
the locations in the story.
more work --
The transitions were a bit shaky and many paragraphs were undeveloped.
intro --
I almost always like a good scene with strong feeling to start. This one got me
interested right away.
specifics --
Most paragraphs are quite detailed. The sections with narrative were the most
distracting.
transitions --
The lack of transitions keeps me from truly liking this piece. There isn't a flow to
this paper and it is all too obvious.
off topic --
The talk about her son was real to me as a mother but definitely seemed distracting.
Also the comment about missing a purse that size was unneccessary.
conclusion --
I actually would have liked to hear a little more on the restored faith concept. I was
left with a "where's the rest?" feeling.
change --
I'd eliminate the distractions,develope the needy paragraph, and add some depth to the
conclusion.---SWhelby
- Contact_FullName:
- Shelby Brown
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
There are still good people out there in this world we live in.
best --
The description was what kept my attention as well as the fact that I was familiar with
the locations in the story.
more work --
The transitions were a bit shaky and many paragraphs were undeveloped.
intro --
I almost always like a good scene with strong feeling to start. This one got me
interested right away.
specifics --
Most paragraphs are quite detailed. The sections with narrative were the most
distracting.
transitions --
The lack of transitions keeps me from truly liking this piece. There isn't a flow to
this paper and it is all too obvious.
off topic --
The talk about her son was real to me as a mother but definitely seemed distracting.
Also the comment about missing a purse that size was unneccessary.
conclusion --
I actually would have liked to hear a little more on the restored faith concept. I was
left with a "where's the rest?" feeling.
change --
I'd eliminate the distractions,develope the needy paragraph, and add some depth to the
conclusion.---SWhelby
- Contact_FullName:
- Shelby Brown
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
There are still good people out there in this world we live in.
best --
The description was what kept my attention as well as the fact that I was familiar with
the locations in the story.
more work --
The transitions were a bit shaky and many paragraphs were undeveloped.
intro --
I almost always like a good scene with strong feeling to start. This one got me
interested right away.
specifics --
Most paragraphs are quite detailed. The sections with narrative were the most
distracting.
transitions --
The lack of transitions keeps me from truly liking this piece. There isn't a flow to
this paper and it is all too obvious.
off topic --
The talk about her son was real to me as a mother but definitely seemed distracting.
Also the comment about missing a purse that size was unneccessary.
conclusion --
I actually would have liked to hear a little more on the restored faith concept. I was
left with a "where's the rest?" feeling.
change --
I'd eliminate the distractions,develope the needy paragraph, and add some depth to the
conclusion.---SWhelby
- Contact_FullName:
- Shelby Brown
- Contact_Email:
-
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
There are still good people out there in this world we live in.
best --
The description was what kept my attention as well as the fact that I was familiar with
the locations in the story.
more work --
The transitions were a bit shaky and many paragraphs were undeveloped.
intro --
I almost always like a good scene with strong feeling to start. This one got me
interested right away.
specifics --
Most paragraphs are quite detailed. The sections with narrative were the most
distracting.
transitions --
The lack of transitions keeps me from truly liking this piece. There isn't a flow to
this paper and it is all too obvious.
off topic --
The talk about her son was real to me as a mother but definitely seemed distracting.
Also the comment about missing a purse that size was unneccessary.
conclusion --
I actually would have liked to hear a little more on the restored faith concept. I was
left with a "where's the rest?" feeling.
change --
I'd eliminate the distractions,develope the needy paragraph, and add some depth to the
conclusion.---SWhelby
- Contact_FullName:
- Shannon Kinney
- Contact_Email:
- JernShanK@AOL.com
- fb:
- Submit Form
moral --
Moral: There are good, and honest people in the world, that do kind deeds to make th
world an easier place to live. It makes me feel as though I want to return the favor.
best --
I enjoy reading essays about someones personal experience. Ifelt she did a good job in
using vivid words to express her feelings.
more work --
I think that paragraph transition needs some work in this essay. They don't flow from
subject to subject very well.
intro --
No. I doesn't have much to do with what the topic of the essay is about. I think she
needs an introduction that gives us, the readers, a good explanation of what she is
writing about, as well as a reason to read on.
specifics --
Most do, but I didn't think that paragraphs one and three did not contain any detail
that was useful towards the essay.
transitions --
Yes and no. Transitions could be used between paragraps 1 and 2, as well as 4 and 5, 13
and 14, and 17 into the conclusion.
off topic --
I think the parts where the author talks about her son wanting to watch the Lion King,
were not sufficient to the main topic.
conclusion --
Yes, I think it gives closure. I thought it was a good idea to end the essay with the
moral of the story.
change --
I would get rid of the introduction paragraph, and construct a new one that engages my
reader in wanting to read on, as well a good, well rounded thesis statement. I would
construst better transition between my paragraphs, and leave out any details that do not
pertain to my topic.
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moral --
best --
more work --
intro --
specifics --
transitions --
off topic --
conclusion --
change --
- Contact_FullName:
- Shannon Kinney
- Contact_Email:
- JernShanK@AOL.com
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moral --
Moral: There are good, and honest people, that do kind deeds to make the world an
easier place to live. It makes me feel as though I want to return the favor.
best --
I enjoy reading essays about someones personal experience. I felt she did a good job in
using vivid words to express her feelings.
more work --
I think that paragraph transition needs some work in this essay. They don't flow from
subject to subject very well.
intro --
No. I doesn't have much to do with what the topic of the essay is about. I think she
needs an introduction that gives us, the readers, a good explanation of what she is
writing about, as well as a reason to read on.
specifics --
Most do, but I think that paragraphs one and three did not contain any detail that was
useful towards the essay.
transitions --
Yes and no. Transitions could be used between paragraps 1 and 2, as well as 4 and 5, 13
and 14, and 17 into the conclusion.
off topic --
I think the parts where the author talks about her son wanting to watch the Lion King
were not sufficient to the main topic.
conclusion --
Yes, I think it gives closure. I thought it was a good idea to end the essay with the
moral of the story.
change --
I would get rid of the introduction paragraph, and construct a new one that engages my
reader in wanting to read on, as well a good, well rounded thesis statement. I would
construst better transition between my paragraphs, and leave out any details that do not
pertain to my topic.
- Contact_FullName:
- AShilliam
- Contact_Email:
- awesomeapril@webTV.com
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moral --
The moral of this theme trusting human honesty. We have all lost a wallet or purse at
some time in our hectic lives and gone into panic mode stressing about the loss of the
contents.
best --
Closure of the lost purse, found complete in content and seemingly untouched by an
outsider. The result could have been quite different. We all enjoy a happy ending.
more work --
o me it is just fine. Leave well enough alone and go on with life.
intro --
It is okay but too lengthy for me. She could have skipped some of the flora and fauna
and gotten to the main point a little sooner.
specifics --
Yes, enough to keep the subject flowing. The actual conversation style allows the
reader to actually participate in the mini mellow drama.
transitions --
Transitions from an untrained eye seem okay to me, but what do I know about
transitions. Not much?
off topic --
I really have no comment on the information or topic. It is not my cup of tea.
conclusion --
Yes! The blasted purse was located a kind person turned it into the store manager and
all ends well.
change --
If this were my essay it would be just dandy by me without any changes.
- Contact_FullName:
- Pasert Moua
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- indyp@hotmail.com
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moral --
The goodness of human kind still exists in some people.
best --
I think the theme is good, because there's a lot of bad in the world today and its nice
to be remined once in a while that some are still good.
more work --
I think the author needs to work on making the story a little more relevant to the
theme perhaps by letting the reader know what she had predicted her purse after she left
it at Safeway.
intro --
I thought the first paragraph was boring, but the rest of the story was very
interesting. Maybe the introduction could be rewriten and made more interesting.
specifics --
No. She didn't go into detail about how she felt when after she got her purse back.
transitions --
She needs to have a transition between the end of her story and the conclusion.
off topic --
Detail&Information about her son that doesn't relate to her theme.
conclusion --
No, because she doesn't say how this experience has effected or changed her much.
change --
Rewrite the introduction, more explanation in the conclusion, and maybe eliminate any
unnessesary details from the story.
- Contact_FullName:
- Jeannie Phelps
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moral --
That there are still honest decent people in the world, so don't lose your faith in
humanity just yet.
best --
Her descriptive power. I had my purse stolen once, and her story reminded me of that
exact feeling that I had.
more work --
I can't think of anything...
intro --
Yes, again the descriptions. She could have said "I drove a long way home."
specifics --
Yes
transitions --
I thought the paper flowed well.
off topic --
Only some of the stuff about her son, although it could have added to her stress. Also
the woman's comment about the size of the purse seemed somehow out of place.
conclusion --
Yes, it shows the aftermath of her experience.
change --
The parts mentioned above that seemed off topic-- I would have tried to show the
relevance more.
- Contact_FullName:
- Jeannie Phelps
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moral --
That there are still honest decent people in the world, so don't lose your faith in
humanity just yet.
best --
Her descriptive power. I had my purse stolen once, and her story reminded me of that
exact feeling that I had.
more work --
I can't think of anything...
intro --
Yes, again the descriptions. She could have said "I drove a long way home."
specifics --
Yes
transitions --
I thought the paper flowed well.
off topic --
Only some of the stuff about her son, although it could have added to her stress. Also
the woman's comment about the size of the purse seemed somehow out of place.
conclusion --
Yes, it shows the aftermath of her experience.
change --
The parts mentioned above that seemed off topic-- I would have tried to show the
relevance more.
- Contact_FullName:
- Anita Dahmen
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moral --
The moral is honesty. A gentleman returned Lynn's purse to the store completely intact,
nothing was missing. Lynn's faith and trust in humanity is renewed.
best --
I enjoyed many of the adjective phrases,making the sentences
interestine.
more work --
Some of the adjectives used in the same sentence are inconsistant,causing the reader to
wonder what the true meaning is. For example, " I methodically flipped through the
phone book, searching frantically for Safeway." Methodically gives me a different
picture of the scene than frantically does, they're conflicting words.
intro --
Yes, the intro. caught my attention. Driving in the ice and snow is
nerve-wracking,so
when Lynn shares of the relaxing feeling she gets when she's almost home after a long
drive in winter I can relate, I'm ready to read more.
specifics --
I thought she had a great handle on specifics in the paragraphs. My favorite being when
she writes about her three attempts up her snowy drive-way.
transitions --
Questions are used for transitions several times quite effectively.
off topic --
She seems to stay on topic.
conclusion --
The conclusion gives me a feeling of closure and relief knowing there are still honest
people in our world.
change --
I would make sure the adjectives in the same sentence convey continuity in the thought
process.
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moral --
best --
more work --
intro --
specifics --
transitions --
off topic --
conclusion --
change --
- Contact_FullName:
- william skinner
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moral --
Despite the melow-drama there's still hope for the world
best --
The imagry was engaging
more work --
Ithink there was way too much drama for the lost contents of a purse. I felt like
retching.
intro --
yes. It's easy to "settle into"
specifics --
yes
transitions --
not to firmiliar with the concept of "transitions" but I felt it flowed well
off topic --
at first I thought the constant refrences to Michael where distracting, but looking
back I think it provides a context of life around the story.
conclusion --
Yes her purse is back and there is hope in the world
change --
tone it down
- Contact_FullName:
- Petr Lokotkov
- Contact_Email:
- petrlo@yahoo.com
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moral --
We do not expect others to honest, especially when we lose our wallets.
best --
The author renewed her faith in humankind.
more work --
Introduction has no thesis and seems not related to the topic.
intro --
I expected to see the authors idea about the topic, but it wasn't there. The author
didn't get my attention after such an introduction.
specifics --
Almost every paragraph conteins specific detail. Just the one before the conclusion is
too short, and has no details.
transitions --
There are almost no transitions. Mostly the author used them at the ends of the
paregraphs, and just a few in the beginnings. I would better start each paragraph with
transition word.
off topic --
I think everything is related to the topic.
conclusion --
Yes. I was glad that Lynn Holen delt not only with her purse, but with her faith in
human kind.
change --
I would start with unbelief in humankind, and show how the lost purse changed her
attitude to the humans.
- Contact_FullName:
- jab
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theme
best
more work
intro
detail
transitions
ewtr
off topic
conclusion
ewtwer
change
additonal comments
- Contact_FullName:
- Annette Shaw
- Contact_Email:
- jazzbug@prodigy.net
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theme
Sometimes strangers come through.
best
She gives very specific details about the events that unfold giving a clear picture of the situation.
more work
The only thing I noticed was the mentioning of Jesse Drew. This information wasn't important to her story, yet she let everyone know she shared a checking account with this person. It allowed the audience to make assumption about her when it wasn't even relevant to the story.
intro
Yes, it specifically sets the mood for the events to come.
detail
Yes, I feel they contain adequet specific detail.
transitions
In the two sentences below, I suspect a transition could improve its readability.
"Michael and I entered the house, and he started asking to watch "Lion King," along with a host of other favorite Disney movies he likes. The frustration of the loss of my purse, combined with his inconsequential requests; I was beginning to lose control of my senses."
off topic
Yes, the Jesse Drew incedent and for the reasons I mentioned above. It just isn't valid for the topic. It even suggest that the reader draw assuptions about the writer.
conclusion
Yes, you feel that the writer has learned a lesson about the kindness of strangers after this incedent that was obviously too dramatic for her.
change
I definatly would not give personal information about myself that might cause others to make
assuptions. I would also try to make transitions better and make it more readable by recognizing the sticky parts.
additonal comments
I did enjoy the story and she was very detailed, something that I think I need to work on in my own writing.
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