Results from Form 1 of Page Fall201/feedback

Contact_FullName:: jan
Contact_Email:: jan`

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Liz Engebretsen
Contact_Email:: smokenhot1@aol.com

theme

It is easier to believe in the bad then in the good. The moral is that we must have faith in people.

best

I believe the essay flows really well, the ideas are effectively ordered. You recieve information in each paragraph, and you also come away from the essay thinking about the thesis.

more work

The subject is clear but it comes late in the essay. The essay flows well but it seams more like a story then an essay.

Introduction

The introduction does engage my interest, because it is entertaining and flows really well.

detail

Almost each paragraph contains specific detail. The ones that don't are transitions into the next thought.

transitions

As stated above, the transition are used to help the ideas flow. I felt the essay flowed great, I don't know where i would add any.

off topic

The information about driving into the snow bank, or the woman saying the purse was really big, these are a few things that seem off the topic. But this information allows the essay to flow well and keep your interest but it doesn't seem to have any pertinent information.

conclusion

The conclusion left you thinking about the topic, but I felt it closed of the essay well. It did this by ending the story, she found her purse, everything was in it, and all is well. But it leaves you thinking about human nature and the distrust we have in each other.

change?

I'm not exactly sure what I would change. I really like this essay, because it is more story like, but depending on the assignment it might not be appropriate.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Mandy Martinez
Contact_Email:: ammartinez@yahoo.com

theme

The theme for this story seems to be about faith. In other words, depending on others when temptation is involved.

best

The best element in this particular essay is the reality that is brought to the reader by description. Description keeps us as the readers interested.

more work

Lynn likes to use the phrase "all the while" quite often. It is a good phrase, but the repeative phrase makes the reader lose interest.

Introduction

I first struck interest in the story beginning the second paragraph. The title didn't fit right with the first paragraph. At the beginning of the secong paragraph I thought it had a chance to explain the title.

detail

All paragraphs made sense and used an excessive amount of detail.

transitions

Transitions are used within the body of the paper well. However, the beginning and concluding paragraphs could use better transitions so they fit within the story.

off topic

It seems like the first and concluding papragraphs are trailing a little. I think with a more descriptive transition it would fit well.

conclusion

I fell closure in relief that Lynn retrieved her purse safely. I don't feel any closure to the body of the story because Lynn never mentioned he doubt in others until the end of the story.

change?

If this were my essay I would probably put more descriptive transitions in the intro and conclusion. I think it would tie in with the title to make better sense.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Laurie Moyer
Contact_Email:: laurie_moyer@hotmail.com

theme

Have faith in your fellow man. Not everyone is out to get you or take advantage of your misfortune. It may be better, and less stressful, to look for a positive outcome to a bad situation. However, human nature tends to lead to a pessimistic outlook vice an optimistic one.

best

The “happy ending.” It makes you feel good that there are still honest people in the world and they are all around us. “This incident has renewed my faith in humankind, and every time I think that the world has gone mad, and there aren't any honest, upright citizens, I'll just think of this mishap. I can't help but wonder who the gentleman was who returned my purse. I am indebted to him for more than just the recovery of my purse.”

more work

There is some mixing of past and present tense (paragraph 2: With my arm outstretched I search the passenger side of the car…). There are lapses in time; she goes from standing at the trunk to driving with no transition. “Just then a truck was approaching and his headlights gave a luminous yet ominous view of the trunk, the purse was not there. I resumed driving down the road.”

Introduction

Not really, the title, A Tribute to Honesty, is interesting but the essay seems to pick up after the introduction. “As I turned off the highway I could feel my body relax as it always does after the long drive from Spokane. Coyote Trail is a country road and unlike the highway, it's snow packed and icy, but that didn't bother me, it just felt good to be nearly home.” There is no link between the introduction and the conclusion. “This incident has renewed my faith in humankind, and every time I think that the world has gone mad, and there aren't any honest, upright citizens, I'll just think of this mishap. I can't help but wonder who the gentleman was who returned my purse. I am indebted to him for more than just the recovery of my purse.” Talking about how she had felt about people before this incident and things can happen to change your perspective might have piqued my interest more to read on.

detail

The one paragraph that I noticed which did not contain specific detail was the third one. "Oh God!!" I said to myself. By that time Michael had awaken and was asking to watch "Lion King". My mind was swimming with fear for the worse with every second that passed.”

transitions

In general she used transitions but there are places where more should be used. There is no transition from standing in front of the trunk to her resumption of driving home. There is no transition between the night she lost the purse and the next morning. “He fell asleep before it was over, so we went to bed. My mom drove me to Spokane the next day because I was still pretty unnerved.” I’m sure the night was restless but she makes no mention of it. Where is her Michael in the morning? He is mentioned in great detail on the drive home and that evening but goes unmentioned the following day.

off topic

The names of people, the name of the movie her son wanted to watch, and the exacting list of her purses’ contents don’t add to the purpose of the essay: honesty.

conclusion

I would have taken out some of the meaningless detail and focused more on the feelings and anxiety associated with misplacing such an important item. Perhaps talked about why I had such misgivings about society. “I had about $150.00 in one wallet, although it was hidden in a compartment, and all my medications. The letters, too, they were related to my financial assistance that I receive. And then there's my drivers license, student identification, ATM card, and the list kept growing.”

change?

I would change the introduction to peak the readers’ interest. “As I turned off the highway I could feel my body relax as it always does after the long drive from Spokane. Coyote Trail is a country road and unlike the highway, it's snow packed and icy, but that didn't bother me, it just felt good to be nearly home.” The introduction says nothing about the theme, honesty. How about, “Every now and then something happens to restore your faith in others.”

comments

It is interesting that her mother, at one point was reassuring her daughter that the contents of her purse were probably untouched. Then after the daughter's purse was returned with everything in it, the mom stated, "well, you're lucky". This lead me to believe that mom did not have an optimistic outlook, but may have just been trying to allay her daughter’s fears about it by being positive. “I phoned my mom and told her of my plight. She reassured me that if the gentleman had returned the purse, he probably left the contents untouched. Everything is here! I exclaimed to my mom. Well, you're lucky, she replied.” In the final sentence she states “I am indebted to him for more than just the recovery of my purse.” I understand the concern of losing such an important item, but indebted to him? That is quite a strong statement, of her feeling obligated for what seems to be a humane gesture.

Contact_FullName:: Kenneth Hamley
Contact_Email:: kenhams@gateway.net

theme

That there is still hope for humanity. There is still good people out there willing to do the right thing.

best

That it is well writen. I couldn't what to get to the end of the paper to find out what will happen to her purse.

more work

I think the Thesis Statement could be worked on, because I didn't know what the paper was going to be about until a reached the body of the paper.

Introduction

Yes, it makes me want to read on and find out what the paper is about.

detail

Yes, I think there is adequate detail in each paragraph.

transitions

Yes, no more transitions needed to be used.

off topic

The son wanting to watch the "Lion King".

conclusion

Yes, it makes you feel that now she has here purse everything is safe.

change?

The introduction.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Joel Cook
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Brad Hemenway
Contact_Email:: bjgh99@mstar1.net

theme

I think the theme of this narrative is how the average person would react inwardly and outwardly to losing something important.

best

I like how the author portrayed how the inward emotions of the woman who lost the purse. I could really put myself in her shoes as she reacted to her innocent child.

more work

It just need a little cleaning up. Deleting some of the wording to let it flow better.

Introduction

I did like the intro. I could relate to the familiar road. I knew the frame of mind that Lynn was in. I knew the temperature. It was a good way to catch your attention by touching on senses that would be familiar to most people.

detail

Most seemed to have detail. We could have had a little more detail on the Safeway employee who she talked to on the phone. Did he sound new? professional? young? Was he just a minimum wage employee that didn't care, or was he generally concerned for the customers ?

transitions

It seemed a little choppy from going to bed at night to the next morning and she is with her Mom.

off topic

Yes. The little part where she is giving the comparison to the robbery in one's house. It just does not fit.

conclusion

No. This could be the conclusion if with the same events presented in a different way. The story to me was feeling the frustration of losing some thing.

change?

I would give a little more feeling of the coldness of the air. Talk a little more of the emotions that race through your mind. Example: its going to be ok then you think its not ok. You go to bed and wake up refreshed but then quickly remember about the purse and get that sunken feeling in your stomach that won't completly leave until there is final closure. Definatly change the conclusion.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Brad Hemenway
Contact_Email:: bjgh99@mstar1.net

theme

I think the theme of this narrative is how the average person would react inwardly and outwardly to losing something important.

best

I like how the author portrayed how the inward emotions of the woman who lost the purse. I could really put myself in her shoes as she reacted to her innocent child.

more work

It just need a little cleaning up. Deleting some of the wording to let it flow better.

Introduction

detail

transitions

It seemed a little choppy from going to bed at night to the next morning and she is with her Mom.

off topic

Yes. The little part where she is giving the comparison to the robbery in one's house. It just does not fit.

conclusion

No. This could be the conclusion if with the same events presented in a different way. The story to me was feeling the frustration of losing some thing.

change?

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Donna Martin
Contact_Email:: DonnaMschool@aol.com

theme

The body of this narrative deals with the stress of loosing one's purse. It's not until the end of the essay that you correlate the title of the essay with the true theme.

best

Paragraph #2 had the most descriptive details. I could picture Lynn or myself rummaging through papers, books or searching the floor of the car to find the missing purse. I could identify with the feeling of doom realizing the purse was nowhere to be found.

more work

The conversation portion of the essay felt fragmented unnecessary. It didn't flow nicely. I felt that some of the information was not needed, as in, He continued, " We tried to call you but Newport is long distance, and there is a special code we must have to make long distance phone calls."

Introduction

The opening could have been more descriptive. It sparked my interest but only for the first sentence. What was the traffic like? Was there snow falling?

detail

Most of the paragraphs have adequate details. The paragraph after she found her purse was lacking in details. She had described in detail the events that lead up to her finding her purse and her feelings about loosing her purse. Unfortunately, once she found her purse, she only wrote, "Everything is here!" I exclaimed. There should have been more written about her emotions upon finding the contents of her purse intact. Example: My heart raced as I quickly opened my purse. I felt like a child anxiously awaiting her birthday present.

transitions

The conclusion needed a better transition. I felt that it came out of nowhere. The essay went from "Everything is here", "Well, you're lucky" to a renewed faith in humankind. It might flow easier with something like; In addition to finding the contents of my purse intact, I now have a renewed faith in humankind.

off topic

It seemed unnessary to talk about the "Lion King". It distracted from the theme of the essay to that point.

conclusion

I like the conclusion but felt cheated by the statement, "I can't help by wonder who the gentleman was who returned my purse." By putting the word wonder, it left me wondering who returned her purse verses the theme of a honest man.

change?

I would leave out the section of quotes. I would find a way to summarize the conversation with the store cleric without utilizing word for word verbatim.

comments

This is not an easy exercise for me to do. I'm definately not used to critqueing this style of writing. I use to medical charting which is very task oriented and specific.

Contact_FullName:: Joel Cook
Contact_Email:: Ccook789@cs.com

theme

The moral or theme of this narrative is always looking for the good in people. Sometimes in life this is not so easy, depending on our situations. When I hear about stories like this it helps restore my faith in my fellow human beings.

best

I really like how your story starts out like a suspense novel. The anticipation of wanting to know if you received your “sidearm” back kept me interested until the end. Your descriptive words helped me visualize what I was reading.

more work

For starters I think you need to work on punctuation. Towards the end of the story you use a question mark at the end of a sentence, which doesn’t’ require one. There are also some run-on sentences that could be restructured. This may be obvious but there are no indentions on any of your paragraphs. The past and present tense needs some work too. This area also gives me problems too.

Introduction

The introduction did interest me in reading further. I could identify with the experience of having completed many long drives myself. It is such a relief to pull in the driveway and turn off the car after many hours behind the wheel.

detail

For the most part there is a lot of detail, although some of it is confusing. For example it is really unclear where you live. There is no real indication that you live in Newport until about half way through the story. Some of the detail about the “Lion King” and your son was real in depth. Incidentally, there wasn’t a lot of detail about how and where you lost your purse.

transitions

I could only find a few transitional words that allowed the ideas to flow freely. I would have used more transitions to indicate time order, and something that occurs in time. For example I would have used words like the following to indicate the crashing of the car into the snow berm: suddenly, immediately, instantly, and in an instant.

off topic

The information that seems to be off topic is how you slipped in the make of your vehicle with no prior explanation when it was appropriate. It would have been useful information at the beginning of the story.

conclusion

Yes, it did give me a feeling of closure. However, I thought you could have perhaps expounded more on the reality that there are honest people in the world. It would have been nice to have more information on the gentleman that returned your purse.

change?

I would have included more information that was critical to the story. This would have probably made it less confusing.

comments

The first time I read this story I didn’t really pick up on the mistakes that were made. However, after examining it more closely I realized there were a lot of errors I had overlooked. Since I haven’t had English 101 for about fifteen I know that I still have much to learn about English in general!

Contact_FullName:: marith mccoul
Contact_Email:: MMcoul@aol.com

theme

The moral of this story is that not everyone in Spokane is dishonest. Were the truth known, the majority would most likely return the purse. I did note that she didn't even ask for the man's name so she could thank him.

best

It does a good job of conveying the sense of urgency she must have felt. It's exciting.

more work

Some of the actual word useage is a little shakey or actually inappropriate. (Websters required) For example: "fear for the worse".

Introduction

It starts a little slow. A better beginning might have been, "It wasn't there!!!!"

detail

yes

transitions

yes

off topic

The Lion King and movie stuff.

conclusion

yes. She gives her conclusion clearly.

change?

I'd lose a lot of the detail that's off-topic like the weather, the movies, and her family.

comments

Altogether pretty good. It's weakest in the area of word useage.

Contact_FullName:: Joleen Riley
Contact_Email:: mtbody@cyberport.net

theme

The moral if this theme is that there are honest people in the world today.

best

I think that the best part of the essay is that she had renewed faith in mankind. I think that it is important to remember that not all people are awfull and that the who world is not corrupt. This is sometimes hard to do with all of the evil that happens in our world today, and it sometimes takes an event as Lynn's to make you realize it.

more work

I think that the thing that needs work the most is that she does not always finish what she starts to say. For example, she says how much her son is asking about the movies, but she never says what she does about it or what her responces tward him are. She eventually tells us that she watched part of the movie with him, but she started to describe a stressful situation for her concerning him, and doesn't seem to finish it. I think that it is important to do that because it keeps the audience captured, and does not confuse the audience by making them wonder what the relevance of that part of the story was.

Introduction

Yes it did because it made me wonder what the story was about, where she lived, and why she had to drive from Spokane.

detail

I believe that each paragraph does contain spacific detail. The first paragraph details the trip home and how long it was and what the weather was like. The seccond, third and fourth paragraphs clearly show what her emotional state was when she realized that her purse was missing. The fifth paragraph describes the emotional tension that was being caused by her son that was just making a stressful situation even more stressful to her, and it describes the steps that she took to make the phone call to the store. The sixth thru the eleventh paragraph, although not descriptive with a ton of adjatives, is descriptive in telling the conversation with the store. It shows the conversation as she remembered it, and had enough detail so that the reader was not confused. The twelvth paragraph was very descriptive of how relieved that she was that her wallet was safe, while the thirteenth paragraph was descriptive of how unsettled she was that she could not know for sure if anything had been stolen or not. The forteenth and fifteenth paragraphs show description of the return of the purse as well as some description on the weather and the drive to Spokane. The last paragraph shows that she was excited about the purse not having any missing contents, although there was not a lot of descriptive words used if any because it was a statment.

transitions

I think that overall the transitions are good, but I think that they could be used more in the portions of the story that are quotes. I think that she goes from one person to another and does not always transition it as well as it could be.

off topic

I think that the thing that was most off the topic was her son, and him asking to watch a movie. I saw that she was trying to show that it was adding more stress for her, but as I mentioned earlier, I think that she should have elaborated on that to make it more a part of the story or not use it at all.

conclusion

I believe that it does give a geeling of closure. I think that knowing what the experience did for her and how she felt about the mysterious man that returned her purse was a great ending to the story, and the fact that told us what it had done for her gave the story a good feeling of closure.

change?

I think that I would add on to the stress that my son was creating by wanting to watch a movie, and I think that I might remove some of the quotations and replace them with my preception of the conversations, and the emotion behind the conversations.

comments

I think that overall this is a very good essay.

Contact_FullName:: Terri Honodel
Contact_Email:: t4potts@aol.com

theme

Keeping a positive, hopeful state of mind helped this woman through this crisis. She remained rational and was able to think through the process of recovery. The fact that she was able to not involve her son, or ignore him in the process is credible.

best

This essay flows with good transitions. The author draws her audience into the story with faniliar surroundings and events, and easily leads us through this dilemma with her.

more work

I would have elaborated longer towards the end on the realtionship with the mother, the conversation on the way to the store that morning and the recovery. The essay flows well in the beginning, but feels hurried towards the final paragraphs.

Introduction

The introduction engages the reader with colorful and familiar surroundings and routines. The fact that the story takes place in Spokane immediately catches this audiences interest.

detail

Third paragraph from the end, after she recovers her "sidearm" and inventories the contents, could have contained more detail about what was in the purse and her attachment to it. That would have added to the re-connection of this valuable part of her life.

transitions

This same essay was used when I took 101 and I remember finding many more things wrong with it and being very critical. This time it seems to be much better, and I thought it flowed well with transitions.

off topic

I don't see anything in this essay that would be considered off toic. The author does a good job of relating all aspects of this crisis to the reader.

conclusion

Very good conclusion. It goes beyond the recovery of the purse to the lesson learned from it.

change?

If this were my essay I might possibly expand on the conversation that had to take place on the drive back to the Safeway the next morning with my mother. I would also go into more detail when the purse is inventoried after its recovery.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Summer Skaife
Contact_Email:: Colola77@aol.com

theme

The golden rule!! Treat others as you'd have them treat you...or your property!

best

I felt the anguish of the person. There was good detail about her feelings.

more work

I would change the beginning. It need to grab me more.

Introduction

Not like it should for the story. It made me believe it was going else where.

detail

I think they all have a fair amount of detail in them. Some seem to have more due to the emotional effect.

transitions

Transitions seemed to be fairly smooth. i didn't notice anythign akward.

off topic

The being drove to the store by her mother.

conclusion

Yes, she got the purse back and aknowledges the good in people.

change?

I think i would make the ending more entertaining, to give a "sigh" of relief.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Christopher Attryde-Schmit
Contact_Email:: Monopoly469@aol.com

theme

The moral of this paper is that just when you think that there is nothing honest about the world someone shows kindness or honesty and makes you realize the world is not always such a dishonest place.

best

I personally thought the writer kept us in touch with her emotions which put the reader in the position to relate to her.

more work

The Buildup. The only problem i had with the story is that it climaxed in the middle of the paper then seemed to lose momentum to soon towards the end.

Introduction

I does because the writer from the beginning put you in the scene of the enduring drive and it seemed to flow well.

detail

Then only paragraph i felt didnt have specific details was the close it really didnt say why she had these emotions or what had happened to her in her life to feel that the world was so dishonest. That fact i feel was not really supported.

transitions

i dont know what a transition is .

off topic

Even though the driveway scene was discriptive. I think it was off of the topic and could have been cut out.

conclusion

The conclusion does give a feeling of disclosure. The writer made it very clear that she had been nerve wracked about this incident and with her getting her purse and everything being there it put closure. Then theres the renound faith that she found in the world that summarizes how she was feeling about the incident.

change?

I would have took out the driveway. And maybe even the little events like actually watching lion king and putting the boy to bed

comments

Contact_FullName:: Mandy Martinez
Contact_Email:: ammartinez1@yahoo.com

theme

The theme seems to be about faith in other people. Lynn focuses mainly on the money aspect. She probabaly does this because most people understand what money can do.

best

The best element in the essay is the reality involved. I can relate with her feelings because it is so realistic.

more work

Lynn likes to use the phrase "all the while" quite often. I think it is a great phrase but after hearing it over and over I lose interest.

Introduction

I struck an interest into the second and third paragraphs. Before then, I didn't see where the story was going.

detail

All paragraphs expose an excessive amount of creativity and detail.

transitions

Transitions were akward for me. After reading the thesis handout I realize that Lynn was using the second thesis method. Although it was still hard to identify where she was going with the story.

off topic

The only thing tht seems of topic to me is the way she throws the thesis in towards the end of the essay.

conclusion

I get a sense of closure knowing that her purse was retrieved safely, and also because she concluded the story with a strong thesis.

change?

If this were my essay I would rearrange the thesis statement's location in the essay.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Vitaliy Boyko
Contact_Email:: vsboyko@netzero.net

theme

We should never lost our faith in humankind.

best

Expression of the real situation. The author realisticly describe all her feelings and worries using lots of adjectives.

more work

In my opinion, everething is fine. I liked this story.

Introduction

Yes. From the firsts words, the author opens the picture of her situation.

detail

The last paragraph doesn't contain specific details. Here, there were used mostly abstrac words.

transitions

For the most part, transitions were used effectively. Only in a paragraph starting with words: "My mom drove me to Spokane...", I would suggest to incorporate a transition.

off topic

A fragment related to the wotching "King Lion".

conclusion

Yes. It is shown what lessons were taken from that incident.

change?

I would incorporate more transitions and exclude a subject about King Lion cartoon.

comments

I read this story with interest. Everething was described very vividly and realisticly.

Contact_FullName:: Allan Pennie
Contact_Email:: algin7777@aol.com

theme

The lady felt, that "mankind" still exists.

best

The return of the woman's purse. Why? Because of her sequence of events leading to the conclusion.

more work

The miss use of some words. Why? They need to be spell checked.

Introduction

Yes. Why? It set the scene for the incident.

detail

Yes.

transitions

I think it is all fine.

off topic

The subject of her son watching the LION KING seems to be a little off topic.

conclusion

Yes, because her dilema was over.

change?

I would change nothing.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Carol Watkins
Contact_Email:: mckwatkins@aol.com

theme

The theme of this essay is honesty. No matter how frustrated or worried we my feel,we can always hold on to the fact that there are honest people left in this world.

best

I loved how the writer uses lots of emotion.I could feel her frustration as I read her essay.

more work

I feel a better job could have been done on paragraph #3. It did not seem to flow very smoothly, and it lacked detail.

Introduction

I loved the introduction, it really set the surroundings for the whole essay.

detail

Paragraph #3 did not contain specific details. Also paragraph # 7 could have gone into more detail about what the mother thought.

transitions

For the most part, this essay flowed smoothly. A better job on paragraph #3 & #7 would have helped.

off topic

The information about the son, Michael wanting to watch the "Lion King" did'nt seem to fit.

conclusion

Yes, everything in her purse was intact and an important lesson was learned.

change?

Expand abit in paragraph #1 maybe explain more about the drive, and how far was. Rewrite paragraph #3.

comments

Wouldn't it have been interesting if the truck that was approaching her in paragraph #2 had been Dave, the man from Safeway, stopping to ask directions to her house.

Contact_FullName:: Debra Strehlou
Contact_Email:: dstrehlou@hotmail.com

theme

The moral of the story is there are honest people in our society.

best

I liked how the author explained the daily situation that led to loosing the purse and how she called to make sure someone had found it. It helped me to get of real picture of what was happening.

more work

I enjoyed the story and do not feel that it needs more work.

Introduction

Yes, It made me want to know what caused her to feel the way she did.

detail

yes

transitions

yes In the part where she is talking on the phone to the Safeway store personel.

off topic

Not realy

conclusion

Yes, She was happy to find that all the contents of the purse where there and renewed her faith that there are honest people about.

change?

I really don't think I would change anything. I felt that it was very explanatory.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Kristina Russell
Contact_Email:: kriss1017@chickmail.com

theme

The theme of this narrative is that there are still some honest and reliable people in existence.

best

The best part of the essay is the way she clearly describes the panic and unease that she was feeling. I felt this was the best part because it had me drawn to the situation and the story.

more work

Although I felt the essay was very easy to read I felt that the dialogue that was included in reference to the safeway store was a little choppy and un-needed in the narrative.

Introduction

The introduction to the story does engage my interest because it mentions the way she was feeling, where she was at, and the icy road. The icy road and her relaxed feeling make the reader wonder what will happen next.

detail

I felt that they all contained specific detail. I feel that if she added much more to any of the paragraphs she would lose her readers' attention.

transitions

Transitions were used nicely to keep the story flowing. The only place that could have used a more clear transition is where she and her son went to bed and then the next paragraph states that her mom drove her to the store.

off topic

The part where the safeway clerk is telling her about needing a code to call long distance seems to be off topic.

conclusion

I felt the conlusion nicely ties up the story and that it gives a purpose to the essay because is summarized what happened and what she learned from it.

change?

I would change the dialogue between the safeway clerk and herself, it is choppy right now.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Rsalie Herbert
Contact_Email:: rosalieherbert@netzero.net

theme

This essay is about bring honest, and restoring ones faith by having something lost return to you by an honest by-stander.

best

The best thing about this story was the fact that Lynn Hoen, author of the short story," A Tribute To Hosnesty ", had express some very deep feelings on how she felt when realizing that she had forgotton her purse at the SafeWay food store. As Lynn was driving home she made it clear that she had been upset for losing her purse. I could relate to her story of how anyone could foreget something that was a value to us.

more work

I felt that Lynn could of done better with her introduction. The introduction that she gave had no real meaning to the rest of her story. Her story was about how a stranger could be honest in returning something that was important to the preson that had lost it. How faith can be restored by that action alone.

Introduction

No it didn't. I had to read further into the story to actually find out what was happening to Lynn. I thought that it should have been redone, may-be describing when she was at the store and how she simply got side tract which could have made her to get abouit her purse.

detail

Actually, Lynn did a great job in giving details. I can't really find anything that didn't have details in it. May-be the part where she was talking over the phone to Dave at the store.

transitions

Perpahs the third paragraph could have used a bit more with the transition, and the same thing with paragraph four-teen where she sits down to watch the movie with her son. To me she just jumps in to the next day without warning. Its kind of like how I write, forgetting to put the small transaction words in my stories.

off topic

The introduction and the first line in the second paragraph. She could have let them out, since they really didn't have anything to do with the rest of her story.

conclusion

Now this part was good because Lynn talks about how her faith was renewed by having a honest person returning her purse. Which was a good lesson for any one of us to learn. That not all people are dishonest, there are a few honest people out there in the world today that lines a helping hand.

change?

I would change the introduction by taking the readers to the SafeWay food store and how I had my son with me at that certain time and place of the mishap. Then writing about how my mind wasn't totally with me and that something could have distracted my consriation on what I was doing. Which happens to all of us at one time or another.We sometimes are busy with our inter thoughts and we attend to forget what we are doing. Like the old saying," My mind is some where else".

comments

I did like reading this story after reading it four times. I think that Lynn had done a great job with her story telling.

Contact_FullName:: Rsalie Herbert
Contact_Email:: rosalieherbert@netzero.net

theme

This essay is about bring honest, and restoring ones faith by having something lost return to you by an honest by-stander.

best

more work

Introduction

detail

Actually, Lynn did a great job in giving details. I can't really find anything that didn't have details in it. May-be the part where she was talking over the phone to Dave at the store.

transitions

off topic

The introduction and the first line in the second paragraph. She could have let them out, since they really didn't have anything to do with the rest of her story.

conclusion

change?

comments

I did like reading this story after reading it four times. I think that Lynn had done a great job with her story telling.

Contact_FullName:: Kimberlee David
Contact_Email:: berleeanne@hotmail.com

theme

To keep faith in our fellow man,there are still honest people out there

best

I feel that the descriptive words and phrases really helped the story, it put the reader right in the moment and helped to feel what the author was feeling.

more work

The mechanics of the piece need work. There is a lot of sentence fragments and coma splices, run on sentences and there is really no clear direction or transition in the first few paragraphs.

Introduction

The intro didn't grab my attention because it didn't give me any direction to follow in the paper.

detail

Most paragraphs include a specific detail, the third paragraph is some what shady, however.

transitions

Transition needs to be worked on, especially in the intro, the second paragraph to the third and the fourth to the fifth.

off topic

The information about coyote trail,and her son asking to watch lion king, also the bit about having your house burglarized

conclusion

No it doesn't give closure, why else is she indebted to the man that returned her purse?

change?

The intro and mechanics. I would also go through the paper and weed out every thing that didn't directly support the point I was trying to make.

comments

Great detail and good point that was trying to be proven

Contact_FullName:: Rich Llewellyn
Contact_Email:: llewell@gocougs.wsu.edu

theme

There are a couple of themes included in this story. The first is that there are still honest people in the world, but you can figure that out from the title. The second theme is that worrying about things over which you have no control, is not beneficial, and may in fact be detrimental to your well being.

best

The part of the essay that I liked best was the use of the truck to illuminate the trunk of Lynn's car. This visual detail forces one to imagine what that would be like and helps to draw the reader into the story.

more work

There are some details that need to be cleaned up. For example, "Dave" from Safeway said that they could not access there long distance lines. With today's emphasis on customer service, Safeway would have found a way to contact Lynn. Another example of a minor detail that brings the story down a bit is where Michael first awakens and asks to watch the "Lion King". Two paragraphs later, he "starts" to ask to watch the "Lion King". The suthor should have found a different way to phrase it the second time. These examples are just minor details, but they are noticeable and do detract form the work.

Introduction

While it wasn't flashy, it piqued my interest enough to want to see what came next (or would have if I didn't HAVE to read the whole thing).

detail

The only paragraphs that do not contain specific detail are those that contain dialogue. I do not see this as a problem.

transitions

Transitions, such as "I felt relieved", are used in a few places, and do help to keep the story moving. In this story, I like that the author has minimized the use of transitions, It helps make it more believeable. I think that adding transitions would detract from the story.

off topic

There is minimal information that seems to be off topic. An example is when Lynn talks about what she did with the rest of her evening. The author did, for the most part, stay focused. I did not have a problem with the extraneous details.

conclusion

The ending really doesn't do much for me. It seems a little hokie, when compared to the rest of the story. I don't feel that the last paragraph is necessary, and that the story (and ending) would work just fine without it.

change?

Like I have mentioned before, I would drop the last paragraph. I would also police the essay to make sure that all of the details matched and made sense.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Beth Burkland
Contact_Email:: BethBurkland@AOL.com

theme

The lady that had misplaced her purse found a new appreciation for the human race. She found that there are still honest people in the world.

best

I think that the best part of the essay was when she got her purse back and all of the belongings were still intact.

more work

Spelling and punctuation need work because there were some errors.

Introduction

Somewhat, because when I read "Spokane" I felt like I could familiarize myself with the story or person in the story.

detail

Most of the paragraphs contain specific detail except for the dialog paragraphs.

transitions

Yes, transitions are used in the essay. It flows nicely from paragraph to paragraph.

off topic

The information in this short story is all closely related to the topic of loosing her purse and how it made her feel.

conclusion

Yes, because she found her purse and everything was still intact.

change?

I would read more closely and fix any errors in the essay.

comments

Great story.

Contact_FullName:: Jay Willms
Contact_Email:: yeti927@hotmail.com

theme

The theme of this narrative is the effects of stress caused by loss of personal material.

best

It is clear, the reader can easily follow and understand the situation being presented

more work

The phone conversation portion could have been more concise without loss of information

Introduction

Yes, her tone of fear does a good job of keeping the reader focused and anticipating the resolution.

detail

Each paragraph contains sufficient detail to its particular topic. New paragraphs mark change of the topic which the author decides to embellish upon.

transitions

Since this is a narrative, the flow is smooth even whith the lack of transition words or phrases, of which I saw none.

off topic

Only the chit chat whith the ladies at the customer service desk.

conclusion

Yes, the reader can tell that her worries are over and she is apprecative of the kindness of everyone who helped her.

change?

Personally, I don't write essays like this one. I probably would not have used so much narration, though I realize that the material is best presented in this fashion.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Laura McCabe
Contact_Email:: janedoe@speakeasy.net

theme

an unexpected reminder of the goodness of humanity

best

the details; the boy asleep in the backseat, the Disney movies, the icy road, the mental inventory ofthe purse's contents. Also, the emotion, namely the panic, came through in the description of the action.

more work

The way the dialogue is formatted is a little confusing, and pulled me out of the story,especially at the start of the conversation with "Dave".

Introduction

Yes, I like the feel of the beginning.. The driving, the anticipation of getting home.

detail

Yes. All the paragraphs have nice details. The only paragraph that could be cut is the "thank you thank you" paragraph; (if the author wanted to shorten the piece for some reason). The information about the pick up could be tacked onto the following paragraph: 'After making arrangements to pick up the purse the next morning, I..." Caught my eye because both paragraphs start with variations of "I was relieved".

transitions

Perhaps the last paragraph could repeat the "lucky" from the mother's comment. "Indeed, I was lucky. However..."

off topic

The Lion King Video doesn't really add anything, and it repeated a few times. I like the inclusion of the son (and the mother), but maybe it could be the boy's reaction to the missing purse, or "Mommy's" reaction to the lost purse. That way, the boy is included, but the story stays focused.

conclusion

I liked the ending.

change?

Perhaps tie the beginning thematically into the end. Maybe the driver had a terrible day, or her boss yelled at her, or the delievery man lost her package, or something... Just a little something, maybe not even too specific. That way, she can arc from being disappointed and frustrated with people to having her faith in humankind reaffirmed.

comments

I enjoyed the story, and the emotions that came through, very much.

Contact_FullName:: Ty Lingo
Contact_Email:: tlingo@qwest.net

theme

The renewed faith in humankind.

best

I think the topic is the best part about the essay. This is a situation we can all relate to. If you can't, you most certainly will sometime. Because we can relate to her dilema, you get swept into all her emotions and feel apart of the story.

more work

I felt it was more of a story than an essay. I didn't feel a main point was established early on. Also some of the sentence structure didn't seem proper. I had to re-read several lines.

Introduction

It has the feeling of an opening of a novel perhaps. As far as an essay paper I'm not sure what I'm going to be reading about. So there isn't a clear hook.

detail

Yes. The detail was the best part of the paper. You can see what she sees, feel what she feels and hear what she hears.

transitions

I didn't quite get the transition from paragraph 1 to 2. I would have left out paragraph 2 completely. The rest I felt was ok.

off topic

Possibly the parts about the child wanting to watch the "Lion King" video.

conclusion

Yes. It's a classic happy ending. Some good samaritan saved the day. The possibility of the contents missing are shown not to be. She is happy and so is the reader.

change?

I would have put the main idea at the beginning,(This incident has renewed my faith in humankind). The supported that point with the rest of the story.

comments

The reader agonizes with the main characters predicament. So we feel apart of the story because we can relate.

Contact_FullName:: ANNE ELLI
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: ANNE ELLIS
Contact_Email:: anne

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: ANNE ELLIS
Contact_Email:: anne

theme

As bad as the world may seem, there are still good people out there, you just have to sift through all of the bad.

best

What the author was writing about was carried throughout the story.

more work

The authors thesis is not carried out through the story. There is no mention of society and honesty until the end. It is a good story, but I think it would add to the story if she mentioned a few comments on this topic.

Introduction

For me, the comment about the icy snowpacked road caught my immediate attention for I love the winter ao I was hooked.

detail

The first paragraph doesn't mention the purse. The rest however do mention the purse and I felt it was carried out through the story well.

transitions

The story flows pretty smoothly, the punctuation is a little strange, the one spot I easily noticed was where she repeated how she felt 'releived' at the beginning of two paragraphs, one right after the other. And now that I think about it, the transition from the last comment from her mother to the closing paragraph, there was none.

off topic

The info about where her son was prior to the drive home is irrelevant.

conclusion

It is strange. It seems as though she chopped the end of a story because she ran out of time and threw the thesis in.

change?

If I were to rewrite this, I would add to the stress and creat anxiety by emphasising on her sons nagging about watching movies. We all know what it is like when we are trying to do something and someone keeps interrupting or trying to get our attention when we are highly stressed. The next thing I would do is add some description to how the car is reponding to the slick/icey driveway, express the added anxiety it is creating, maybe describe how the snow may be flying as the wheels spin or the impact of the car against the snow bank. I could do alot with this story!

comments

The one thing that still has my curiosity is, where did she stop her car? It seems as though she stopped in the middle of the road. Then she mentioned the lights of a truck lit her trunk so she could see, this could only happen if the on-coming vehicle was approaching from behind, did it swerve to miss her? Was she on the side of the road? Where exactly was she?

Contact_FullName:: Pam Simon
Contact_Email:: pam_simon@agilent.com

theme

Theme: Story of a woman who lost her purse.

best

Timeline of events. SHe did not jump around too much.

more work

SHe was very wordy. Almost as if she is trying to fill a word count quota.

Introduction

Mildly engaging. She uses a relaxing style to her intro.

detail

Many paragraphs are too short to contain much detail.

transitions

This story has so many events, transitions could only add more confusion to the organization.

off topic

The Lion King movie part is sort of off topic.

conclusion

No. She did not loop the story well with the beginning tying into the ending by rephrasing the thesis statement.

change?

I would consider this a draft and try to shorten it, add humor to it. The event can be funny, but she uses it as a rather boring story of an event.

comments

I was not too impressed with the writing style used here.

Contact_FullName:: Humaid Al Shamisi
Contact_Email:: humaid@gotmail.com

theme

The moral of this narrative is that honesty will prevail even when all seems lost.

best

The best thing about this essay is the usage of desciptive details. It made me feel all the emotions the woman felt when she was going through her ideal.

more work

I didn't like how she exemplified such concern about her son at the beginning and later there was little if none at all.

Introduction

The introduction engaged my interest because it was about Spokane.

detail

Every paragraph contains specific detail, none are lacking.

transitions

Transitions are used to help the ideas flow easier. More transitions need to be used when her son was brought into the story and abruptly forgotten about.

off topic

"...and all your belongings were safe..." I misunderstood this statement because how was he aware of what belongings she posessed, which ones were safe, and which ones were missing. She kept wondering if something was taken although the man specifically stated they were fine.

conclusion

It's a yes and no because her purse was found. Although it was not informative enough about the status of her son and the aspect of her belongings.

change?

If this were my essay I would have prolonged the climax of the story therefore the resolution would have been more satisfying to the reader.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Erika Steggell
Contact_Email:: erikasteggell@hotmail.com

theme

I think the moral of this story is that not all people are bad, and that we should definatly pay close attention to important things like this. As for the theme, I would have to say that, it involves someones daily life. Hectic and mind boggleing.

best

I think that the descritive expression was great.It made you realize the anixity the person was feeling. As well as the detail. In the conversation as well as the drive home. It showed a very detail orineted objective.

more work

I would have to say that the focus on the 'Lion King' was a bit to much. It held little relevance to the theme.

Introduction

No, the introduction was alittle vague. We were thrown in the middle of an event. If it had been a smother begining, then perhaps.

detail

I found that some of the paragraphs held very detailed description. Where as some others were a little more interupted.

transitions

Yes, there are some here.I think in the begining there should be more transitions.

off topic

Michael, to me this was alittle off topic. The movie the 'Lion King ' was of little relevance.

conclusion

I think it does give a bit of closure, yet I would have liked to have known why the woman at Safeway said what she said.

change?

I would have left out the movie watching.

comments

Over all I think the essay was pretty good.

Contact_FullName:: Stephenie Waggoner
Contact_Email:: TacTacs@aol.com

theme

The theme of this narrative is that even though this woman was questioning her faith in the honesty of mankind she discovered that some people were honest and trustworthy.

best

The best part was the emotion that was put into the essay. The emotion that came through the essay was clear and common to most people ans was also well worded.

more work

What needed work was probably the clarity of the whole piece of work. At some points the writing is frantic and not well understood.

Introduction

Yes, because it is descriptive and catchy to the mind. The way it is worded and phrased makes you wonder what will hapen next.

detail

Almost all of the paragraphs do contain specific details. The ones that do not are the ones that contain a lot of dialog in them.

transitions

In this essay transitions are used very well to help the ideas keep the same flow. I don't think that anymore transitions need to be used because this essay flows quite nicely from one idea to the next.

off topic

Yes, the one thing that seems to be off topic is her son's continous plea to watch a certain movie.

conclusion

Yes the conclusion does give you a feeling of closure to the narrative. It does because you know her new feelings on mankind's honesty and also because she got her purse back with everything in it that belonged in the purse.

change?

I would probably work on getting the flow of the whole essay overall to be more smooth and easy.

comments

I think that this is a very fine essay and I'm glad that her faith in humanity was restored.

Contact_FullName:: Tanya Gruell
Contact_Email:: tanyagruell@home.com

theme

The author shows how a single incident renews her lost faith in our society.

best

I thought the closing paragraph was the best part of this essay. It wraps up and explains the entire essay.

more work

I believe the opening paragraph needs more work. There was no explaination of what the author was going to prove with this essay.

Introduction

The opening paragraph did not capture my interest. She spoke about how she had just gotten home from a long ride along icy roads. She and her son were save and secure. This paragraph gave me more of a feeling of closure rather than intrigue.

detail

I thought each paragraph contained specific details.

transitions

Overall, the transitions between paragraphs were easy to understand.

off topic

There were a few parts of this essay that seemed unnecessary to me. For example, the conversation between "Dave" the clerk. The author could have shorten this and explained her relieved feelings. The author could have added an extra couple of sentences to the next paragraph to transition between her feeling of dread to her relief. Also, the narrator did not have to include anything about the conversation of the store clerk who physically gave the pursue back to her. This part could have been excluded altogether.

conclusion

The closing paragraph starts by giving a sense of closure. However, the author ends with the sentence: "I can't help but wonder who the gentleman was who returned my purse." This leave a open-ending to the essay. This could have read: "As for the gentleman who returned my purse, I will be indebted to him for more than just the recovery of my purse."

change?

I would remove the conversation of "Dave" the store clerk. Instead, I would have added a paragraph explaining an intensifying anxiety and then show the relief of the author when the store did have the pursue. I would also remove the part of the essay when the author speaks to the other store clerk while getting her pursue. And lastly, I would re-word the sentence in the closing paragraph, as shown in the last question.

comments

Contact_FullName:: mroberts
Contact_Email:: merrirfav@icehouse.net

theme

Always, thoroughly inspect the shopping cart for purchased products before you leave the grocery parking lot.

best

The discript detail of the experience. I could relate and sympathize with the writter.

more work

This is a blind smiling face, because I can't see what needs more work.

Introduction

Yes, For the most part. Mostly, because it was discript.

detail

I thought so. Again,I would have to give a o)

transitions

Yes, but switch these two sentences around to help flow. I unbuckled Michael from his car seat all the while thinking, "I have to call the Safeway and see if someone found my purse." A transition could be used before the sentence . . . The relief I felt. There could have been a transition like . . . after we hung up.and in the sentence My mom drove me to. There could have been a transition. The next morning my mom drove me to.

off topic

Maybe in the expressed feelings, but I liked that. It helped me related to the experience.

conclusion

Yes, the mishap was resolved, and faith in humankind restored. I just love happy endings.

change?

I don't know. I always do a double check on my shopping carts.

comments

I liked the essay. It had a great moral, and maybe it will give someone incentive to return a purse or wallet, honestly.

Contact_FullName:: Shawn Rasmussen
Contact_Email:: Molinext@aol.com

theme

That there are honest people in the world.

best

The Emotional outpouring of the author leaps from the page...screen. It devolops a sense of empathy in the reader, by making you feel the same way.

more work

The dialog seems strained.

Introduction

No, the introduction had little to nothing to do with the rest of the story.

detail

Most do, but some are so bound up in dialog the meaing doesn't come through.

transitions

In some areas, but more could be used between the dialog and the text.

off topic

The parts about the lion king, only causse to stress the reader in the same ways as the author.

conclusion

Yes, it gives a feeling of relief that the author got that piece of her life back.

change?

I would completly change the introduction to something about the feeling of loss or of being almost senseless without something.

comments

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:

theme

fdg

best

more work

Introduction

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detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

sdfsdf

change?

comments

sadfsdf

Contact_FullName:: Lynda D. Douglas
Contact_Email:: lyndad21@cs.com

theme

The theme is there are good people in this world. Be kind to others and they will be kind to you.

best

What is best is how they relay her thoughts. They are very vivid and real. I too would feel the same way if I had lost my purse. Being a victim is not a comfortable feeling.

more work

To be honest I don't know. Possibly have her mother show a little more emotion to her daughter.

Introduction

Yes, made me think that this story was going to lead into some type of climax

detail

No, the third paragraph and third to last paragraph.

transitions

comments

afd

Contact_FullName:: David A. Wheeler
Contact_Email:: dwheeler@scc.spokane.edu

theme

Despite the readily available public programs designed to ease the physiological burdens of being homeless, the situation is fast becoming even more far reaching. Once a fixture predominantly in larger cities, the homeless are finding their way to lesser towns, town oft ill-prepared to handle the situation when compared to a metropolitan area. Being homeless entails more than just not having a home (lack of self-esteem, distress, uncertainty, etc...) and perhaps we as more fortunate individuals, can place aside our daily 'trivialities' and do our part to ease the burden of those who find themselves in this unenviable predicament. The tables may be turned one day indeed!!!!!

best

The honesty with which the author confronts her personal dilema concerning her past dealings with the homeless and the struggle that ensues within to arrive at the eventual conclusion. It is one that each of faces every time we pass a homeless person in the streets. It brings to the forefront, a conflict that I would daresay each of us has dealt with on more than one occasion. Very provocative mental inducement. BRAVO.

more work

hmmm... hard to say. The author seems to have two trains of thought ongoing throughout the essay: what and why. The what being the decision with which she was faced and the why relating more to the cause of this predicament. In the introductory paragraph, the what to do is in the forefront while the why is not brought to bear until the third paragraph. Perhaps a blend of the two in the introductory paragraph would more gently ease the reader into the statistics and 'government' of being homeless while enhancing the human touch described with such eloquent prose.

Introduction

OMG... YES!! I had to get a cup of coffee before continuing. I could totally sense the emotions. At times, it was sorrow and disbelief and at others it was almost anger.

detail

I only thought that paragraph 5 could have been an excellent ending to paragraph 4. Otherwise they all contain specifics relative to the topic illlustrated by the author.

transitions

As mentioned earlier... in the intro paragraph. A more subtle transition from 'human' to 'statistics and policy.'

off topic

No. Author does a nice job of having each stream of thought compliment the other.

conclusion

Yes and no. It gives a sense of closure in identifying the problem, yet not in the solution. She aludes to perhaps a changing of policies in regards to distribution of funds for the homeless in previous paragraphs, but leaves the reader wanting more in the way of her opinion for the solution. Now, if the author is suggesting that we as individuals, not count on government support to ease the burden and take on the task ourselves... then she has done a wonderful job of bringing closure to both streams of thought with three well-written sentences.

change?

I would probably have to chose between either the moral dilema or the cause of the problem. Since this subject matter obviously strikes a chord with the author, I would suggest the human aspect as it was the hook that drew me in.

comments

Excellent job Annette!! Over the past 6 quarters, I have read many papers and it never fails me that I enjoy reading and seeing other's points of view... some alike while others contrary. If this is any indication of the kinds of papers we will be getting in this class, I will not have the time to read all of them.... :) Thank you!!

Contact_FullName:: Tashina Honshell
Contact_Email:: tashinahonshell@hotmail.com

theme

The theme of this essay is that families stricken by poverty dont always live on the streets, or in a crowded city.

best

This essay teaches that about how we think that we have very little but when we see people who live in situations as these characters did we realize that we have a lot. I feel this way because that is what i think about when I see families in despair like that.

more work

I honestly dont think it needs anymore work because the point was made, nothing should be taken out or added.

Introduction

I became interested with the introduction because of the choice of action words which lead to drama in my opinion.

detail

I think enough detail was given in most paragraghs, what more do I need to know about the incident?

transitions

Having had little experience with transitions I do think it is a possibility that more could be used. I suppose they could be used in place of an abundance of other words that were used.

off topic

Perhaps mentioning HUD housing or other homeless people was a sign that the writer was going off onto anohter tangent.

conclusion

The conclusion could have included some ideas for a solution to the problem with the rural homeless.

change?

Paragraph size, transitions, conclusion would just be a few factors I might change.

comments

After thinking about this story I began to realize that it could use some revision, I guess that is what this class is for!

Contact_FullName:: Chandra Zieris
Contact_Email:: Chanz76er@cs.com

theme

Rural homeless families are less fortunate in having adequete support,assistance, and resources in comparison to Urban homeless families.

best

The way educating information and personal experience is balanced in the essay.

more work

The conclusion needs more work. It needs to have a more in depth and stronger statement in the closing paragraph.

Introduction

The introduction does not engage my interest. It was not very striking or too personal.

detail

Each paragraph does not contain specific detail. Paragraphs #: 3, 4, & 6

transitions

yes

off topic

The first part of the first paragraph.

conclusion

Not really. I feel like it could state some plan of action. resources or information to help, or further personal knowledge on this subject.

change?

The first paragraph The conclusion and the couple short pargraphs that are purely statistical

comments

I found that the author could of became more personally involved in the subject,and should of reflected more emotion.

Contact_FullName:: Kari Chapman
Contact_Email:: kariq@prodigy.net

theme

I believe the theme is, "How can we help the rural homeless when they do not have the same resources available that the urban homeless have?"

best

The best part of the essay was how the author reasoned with his/herself using facts, in order to determine wether or not to help the family. I enjoyed the essay's ability to link a story format with a research paper format. It kept you reading to the final decision.

more work

Some of the sentences were stretched to the point of becoming run-ons. I also thought that some of the adjectives used were unecessary, and complicated the thought that was being presented.

Introduction

The introduction was very intriguing. The foundation was laid for the facts that followed and kept you in suspence long enough to finish reading the paper.

detail

Most of the paragraphs were crammed full of detail. The only one that was not, was the last paraghraph, which is the authors personal summary.

transitions

There may have been too many transitions available. If your not paying attention early in the essay, it is hard to determine what city the story takes place. The transition from story to fact could have been smoother; maybe describing that the authors natural thought process regressed to facts on the homeless in order to make the decision to help.

off topic

All paragraphs were contributing ideas and facts that the author reviewed before making a decision. I didn't think there was anything too off topic to be mentioned.

conclusion

I felt the conclusion was adequate. The author made a "happy ending" decision and gave the family some help. However, your still left with the feeling that this family is just one of many that are in need of help, so closure is never really attainable.

change?

I would change the way the essay was written, but not the information given. Sentences would be shorter and easier to understand, and I would try to target a wider audience with an easier flowing style.

comments

The essay left you feeling as though you should try to help also, and if that is what the author intended, then it was a success.

Contact_FullName:: Chau Tran
Contact_Email:: qtranc@yahoo.com

theme

Homeless in rural areas are like a silent disease that hinder the normal funtion of society. These people are overlooked by the government and people in society.

best

The author, Ms. Shaw, gave statistic like from The National Coalition for the Homeless and an article written by Joel Blau which enhanced the point of view of people deliberately choosing to ignore or reduce the number of homeless peopel in rural areas.

more work

The fifth paragraph need to be rephrase because i had to read a couple times before comprehending everything.

Introduction

The introduction needs to be a little more interesting and grab the readers' attention. It was plain and tedious.

detail

Some of the paragraph could be combine into a long one because both of them have the same idea. For instance paragraph number 2 and 3 could be elongate for a clear and concise paragraph.

transitions

The first couple paragraphs sound like of choppy but the second to last paragraph tied the whole idea together. The fifth paragraph needs to connect to the above paragraph more effectively.

off topic

When she left the store, Ms. Shaw does not need to inform the reader what she bought for the homeless or herself; it distract the reader from the real issue.

conclusion

The conclusion needs to be a little bit longer, and should tie important ideas together like a list so that the reader know the article is finish.

change?

I would change the introduction to a captivating and grabs the reader's attention; I would rephrase some paragraph like the first one because it's too long for an introduction and doesn't get to the point.

comments

Some paragraphs are not consider a paragraph because it's too short and does not expand the topic sentence therefore lacking support for the argument.

Contact_FullName:: Chau Tran
Contact_Email:: qtranc@yahoo.com

theme

Homeless in rural areas are like a silent disease that hinder the normal funtion of society. These people are overlooked by the government and people in society.

best

more work

The fifth paragraph need to be rephrase because i had to read a couple times before comprehending everything.

Introduction

The introduction needs to be a little more interesting and grab the readers' attention. It was plain and tedious.

detail

Some of the paragraph could be combine into a long one because both of them have the same idea. For instance paragraph number 2 and 3 could be elongate for a clear and concise paragraph.

transitions

The first couple paragraphs sound like of choppy but the second to last paragraph tied the whole idea together. The fifth paragraph needs to connect to the above paragraph more effectively.

off topic

When she left the store, Ms. Shaw does not need to inform the reader what she bought for the homeless or herself; it distract the reader from the real issue.

conclusion

The conclusion needs to be a little bit longer, and should tie important ideas together like a list so that the reader know the article is finish.

change?

I would change the introduction to a captivating one and grabs the reader's attention; I would rephrase some paragraph like the first one because it's too long for an introduction and doesn't get to the point.

comments

Some paragraphs are not consider a paragraph because it's too short and does not expand the topic sentence therefore lacking support for the argument.

Contact_FullName:: Franki Bren
Contact_Email:: lynettes_@hotmail.com

theme

The moral of the essay is to be kind to homeless people, which live in both rural and urban communities because you could end up in their shoes.

best

I think that the best part of this essay is that there is a story line, that catches the audiences attention but there are also facts to support her point.

more work

I didn't know what the thesis or reason of the essay until the second half of the essay. I think that it should have been stated more earlier.

Introduction

The beginning definitely caught my attention because I wanted to know what was so important about that Saturday morning and what it had to do with homeless in rural areas.

detail

All of the paragraphs contain relatively specific details, the last paragraph seems to have the least amount of detail. It contains very vage statements, could have put a solution or a way that people could try to help solve the problem.

transitions

The essay flowed pretty smoothly. If I would add a transition to this essay it would be between the fifth and the sixth paragraphs. It's tough to go from facts back to a story, but the author did an excellent job transitioning at the beginning of the essay from the story to facts.

off topic

I don't see anything that didn't fit in the essay. All of it dealt with homelessness, although at first I didn't think that the reference to Seattle was important, but then she tied in the experience with the homeless man.

conclusion

I think that the author ended the story well. Over-all the essay left me wondering what I could do to help solve the problem of homeless people in America.

change?

In the first two paragraphs, the author uses words like 'aeons', 'lamented' and 'transient' and then uses more commonly words. I don't know if I was the only one that had to look these words up, but it made it harder to get the author's point. I felt that she was trying to impress the readers and I found the second part much easier to follow because it flowed easier.

comments

I noticed that the last sentence has a spelling error, it says "...one of theme on any...", I believe that it's supose to be 'them'. Overall I liked the essay.

Contact_FullName:: Jon Townsend
Contact_Email:: amon20@icqmail.com

theme

The moral of this essay is that homelessness is a problem in all areas; weather is being in a rural community, or a large city. There is a great pressing need for additional assistance especially in the rural communities.

best

The author gave good detail, and described people and situations well. The issue was discussed is a positive way, and attempted to provide hope for the future.

more work

I did notice a few misspelled words, donuts or doughnuts? By aeons did he mean eons? The main topic was addressed in the introduction, but as a little vague. The conclusion seemed to be a bit short, could have used a little more substance.

Introduction

The introduction engaged my interest. I thought the author gave good detail and described events well. The main topic is addressed, but is a bit confusing early on ... is it about his trip to the store, or about the homeless?

detail

The second paragraph contains detail, but I am not sure how exactly it pertains to the topic. The third fifth and final paragraph seem a bit short, and could use some more detail added.

transitions

The paragraphs seem to jump from one to the next. For example in the first paragraph the author ends talking about feeding his family, and the homeless there, then jumps to Seattle. Between the fifth and sixth paragraph the author jumps back from giving facts right into the story, could have used a better transition there.

off topic

I am not sure what his grocery list had to do with the topic, but the author decided to list off about every item he purchased from the store. I am not sure how his long commute to work in Seattle and the odorous aroma of century old buildings had to do with the topic either.

conclusion

The conclusion didn't really give me a feeling of closure. It gave a call out for help, and maybe a chance for help in the future but didn't really address ways of making this problem any better.

change?

I would have run it threw the spell checker one more time first off. I think I would have tried to be a little more specific about my topic in the opening paragraph, and maybe added a little more substance in the conclusion.

comments

All in all I thought it was well worded and done. It is defiantly an important topic that needs to be addressed.

Contact_FullName:: Debbie Strehlou
Contact_Email:: dstrehlou@hotmail.com

transitions

i really liked the transitions i thought that they all worked well.

off topic

maybe the detail about the giving of the groceries and the fathers eyes ..

conclusion

yes it does give some closure but not enought. It doesnt really reiterate the point of homelessness and what the issue is it just kind of generally states that there is homelessness. It's not very strong i would say.

change?

I would maybe change the concluding paragraph.

comments

good essay topic

Contact_FullName:: cristy greear
Contact_Email:: geting one soon

theme

There are many homeless people in rural areas and we all need to do our part

best

The personal facts about the family; they hit home.

more work

The facts; they are kind of dragging on.

Introduction

yes, because we've all seen it before.

detail

Yes

transitions

Yes; At the end of every paragraph starting into another one.

off topic

conclusion

Yes, beacuse it says what we need to do to help

change?

I would make the personal facts more interesting.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Dave Tefft
Contact_Email:: c_dtefft@netzero.net

theme

The moral of this story is that there are many poor or homeless even in rural areas, and that those people in small towns are especially in need of help from individuals.

best

The best part of this essay is the very effective use of a personal story. The illustration of the family in the parking lot adds a great deal of support to the moral that we need to help the less fortunate.

more work

The quotes lend a great deal of support to the thesis, but I think that they need to be refined a little to better fit in to the flow of the essay.

Introduction

The introduction does a great job of engaging interest, mostly because the word choices are very visual. It is extremely easy to picture the scene.

detail

The paragraph that contains the quotes, as well as the paragraph that follows, needs to be worked into the overall flow of the paper. It provides a great deal of support, but it feels like it intrudes into the story of the family in the parking lot.

transitions

Again, the paragraph that contains the quotes needs to be set up better in the preceding paragraph, and then tied to the rest of the story in the following paragraph.

off topic

The information about the difficulty of counting rural homeless doesn't directly contribute to the story, and could have been combined with the preceding paragraph.

conclusion

The conclusion leaves a little to be desired. It does contain a restatement of the main idea of the paper, but provides very little closure or resolution.

change?

First, I would smooth out the transition surrounding the quotes, so they lend better support to the story, then, I would embellish the conclusion so that it brought more of a feeling of closure.

comments

An excellent paper, with a very touching story that lends a great deal of support to the main idea. There were a few grammatical errors, as well as a few "word choice" issues, but over all a well written paper.

Contact_FullName:: Rachel Garnett
Contact_Email:: Rgarnett80@aol.com

theme

The theme of the story is about the homeless and how society disregards them and doesn't do much in order to better their situation.

best

The best part of the essay was how the author explained her feelings about the people who were living in their car. The description gave the reader the sense of what she was thinking.

more work

The conclusion. I think it's too short and could include a few more ideas of what to do about the problem as the author sees it.

Introduction

Yes, the picture in which the author painted in the beginning intrigued me because it was something that I have often come across as well.

detail

Yes each paragraph does detail specific subjects.

transitions

I think the author does a good job in transitions, but she did throw me off when she went from paragraph 5 to paragraph 6. The transition between the counting of homeless to her going inside the store threw me off.

off topic

The sentence in the second paragraph I think is irrelevant. The author made me believe that she had encountered this family in Seattle and then later find out that it was in Liberty Lake.

conclusion

Not really. The author simply states what she has written in the essay.

change?

I would change the conclusion. Instead of stating what is obvious to the reader, I would offer a few suggestions on what society could do to help.

comments

There also seemed to be a few spelling errors, that the author overlooked.

Contact_FullName:: Matthew Altmeyer
Contact_Email:: mdalt20@aol.com

theme

That tere are many homeless people who go unacounted for and don'thave a place in society.

best

The particular attention and discription of the homeless people.

more work

The conclusion was lacking in punch to urge people to react

Introduction

Yes the into grabed me because it hit home. It had to do with a common act. (getting donuts)

detail

i do beleive the writer did a good job at adding detail to each paragraph.

transitions

Yes, no more are needed

off topic

When the writer goes off about counting the number of rural homes. This could have been left out.

conclusion

Like I said before the conclusion was lacking in both an ending saying what could be done or how people can help.

change?

The conclusion to state what more I did about the homeless if anything.

comments

Going along with what I would change about this essay. I have two uncles that run the Union Gospel Mission so I would probably have a little diffrent view given people do have a place to go if there hungry.

Contact_FullName:: Margaret Ann Goff, LaFleur
Contact_Email:: legacy_past_costumes@yahoo.com

theme

My Phone no. is 615-895-1925 I am hoping that this is Annette Rachelle Barber, LaFleur. Child of Margaret Ann Goff, LaFleur

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Margaret Ann Goff ,LaFleur
Contact_Email:: legacy_past_costumes@yahoo.com

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Margaret LaFleur
Contact_Email:: legacy_past_costumes@yahoo.com

theme

I am trying to contact Annette Shaw. Would you please send her e-mail, or Ph. No. Or send her my e-mail, You may give her my ph. No. 615-895-1925 Thank You

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Mandee Middleton
Contact_Email:: mmandee219@hotmail.com

theme

The theme to this essay is homelessness and the true situation of people who are homeless. However, I think there is also a moral to this story. The moral is that we should look inside ourselves before we judge. We should also know the real truth to what is happening to people and to not go off of gut reactions as we most often do in life.

best

I actually thought it was wonderful that it was about Washington and Liberty Lake as well. To me I become more involved in looking into the story and more willing to think about the issue when I get examples of problems that are in my region or city. What I mean by this is that there is so many times that a article will complain or give advice about an issue that doesn't involve me or gives me the attitude of " that never happens here" or " what about Spokane? Why can't they give issues about there?" This is what is so great about this article...I loved how it does involve me this time and it involves my state.

more work

I honestly can't think of very much that needs work in this story. the only thing I saw was it jumped a little too much on what areas of Washington state she was talking about. I felt at times I didn't know if she was still talking about Seattle or she jumped to Spokane or Liberty Lake. This is the only thing that caught me off guard. Other than that is was very well written in my opinion.

Introduction

This article at first didn't engage my interest. In fact it actually made me a little upset that we were talking about this topic since I thought it was talking about some big city that was on the east coast or in California. But after learning it was about Washington state I then became interested in what this author had to say.

detail

I don't feel every paragraph had sufficient amount of detail. The one I am talking about is paragraph number five. This paragraph is talking about homeless statistics but doesn't give much information or value really to that particular paragraph.

transitions

The transition from the fifth paragraph to the sixth is pretty weak in my opinion. I feel this way because the fifth paragraph was on homeless information and statistics, but yet the sixth paragraph is about the homeless family in Liberty Lake. There should be more of an easier way to transfer from one issue to the other. This would make that transition of one paragraph to another more understandable.

off topic

Since there wasn’t alot of detail on the fifth paragraph it seemed very much out of place and to me wasn’t necessarily needed for this story. The paragraph before it might not be needed either if you really wanted to shorten the story. If there was better transitions to this topic in the story and more information in that part of the story, then there would be no problem. this Paragraph I really don’t think was needed for what the author was talking about.

conclusion

The closure of the story wasn't the greatest. I think it worked for what was trying to be given out for information but at the same time I don't think it made me feel like I had to really rethink the issue over. I would try to make the ending more powerful and more of the slap in the face to make people rethink about the issue that was just talked about.

change?

The only thing in this article that I would change is the two paragraphs that give out homeless facts and statistics. I feel if those are going to be used in this article you need to give a better opening (transition) to those paragraphs and make them more useful and informative to the use of the theme in this story. If not don’t bother putting them in because they tend to distract from the true theme in this article.

comments

My only comment on this story is about what the author did. I think it was great she bought food for the family but some times it isn't always wise to put money in the bag as well. the reason I say this is some of the so-called homeless do this as there way of getting money for drugs, cigarettes or alcohol. There are even some who live in a nice home have a working wife and do this to make more money than most jobs. I only say that to state an opinion to what had happened. Other than that I loved the story and it truly made me rethink about some of my opinions on the homeless.

Contact_FullName:: Renee Peter
Contact_Email:: rpeter83@hotmail.com

theme

that people are good,honest,and do the right thing

best

I think the best thing about the essay is the emontial risk the writer. It takes guts to admit to an empbarassing "plight" she had took. she described her feelings and her mistake of forgetting her purse in the shopping cart at safeway

more work

the sentencte structure is very weak. most of the sentences start off with the word I. Using the same word to start most sentences makes a paper boring for the reader to keep reading

Introduction

No the introduction did not ingage my interest because the author doesn't have a good introduction. THe intro sounds like it is in the middle of the story almost. THere was nothing to gain my attention because everyone drives long distances all of the time and that isn't very exciting or attention grabbing to me

detail

no, the first three need more detail and a few others. most the conversation and the next two paragraphs have enough specific detail but the others do not

transitions

no there needs to be more transitinons. One could be from that night to the next morning could be better. she needs to add a transiton from when she ends the phone call to safeway and when she starts to talk about her feelings

off topic

yes there is some imformation that seems off the topic. Talking about her son wanting to watch the lion king. Also saying she watched the lion king with her son, and he fell asleep and then she went to bed seemed off the subject

conclusion

yes, for the most part the conslusion gave closure through the retrivial of the purse and all of its contents. Also her feeling happy and grateful to the man who turned the purse in and her feeling about that gave the story closure

change?

I would take out some stuff that doesn't move the story along. I would add more transtitions. I would vary my sentence strucure more. I would write an intro to better caputre my audience's attention. I would add more specific details to help the reader better imiagaine and be there better

comments

Contact_FullName:: Amanda Stailey
Contact_Email:: lulusonshine@aol.com

theme

I believe the theme is the writer's renewed faith in human honesty.

best

I really enjoyed the suspense and description. I was so worried for her and her belongings. I knew how important her purse was to her.

more work

I believe the conclusion needs more work. It seems to drop off at the end.

Introduction

Yes! I was hooked. I felt her sudden panick and loss.

detail

Yes, I especially like how she used the "luminous yet ominous light" from the passing truck. Again the ending was rushed.

transitions

Transitions were used very well, especially in the conversation.

off topic

No the essay seems to stay on topic.

conclusion

No, I felt like it was rushed and had very little descriptions compared to the beginning.

change?

I would be very pleased if this were my essay and probably wouldn't change anything until someone else pointed it out.

comments

I liked this essay. It came at a great time since I left my bookbag at home this morning and felt that same fear and panick.

Contact_FullName:: Codi Freeman
Contact_Email:: codi_jo333@hotmail.com

theme

That there is honest people in this world.

best

The decription, I felt like I could vision what was happening at each moment.

more work

The begging paragraph. I never really had anything to do with the rest of the paper.

Introduction

It caught my attention of wanting to know more, but it threw me in the wrong direction of what was going to happen.

detail

yes, the first one doesn't have a lot to do with the rest of the paper

transitions

Yes

off topic

Coyote trail- If later on there was more about this it would of made sense, but it was just threw in there.

conclusion

yes, nothing is really re-stated in this type of paper it probably doesn't need to be either.

change?

The opener could be a little more catching.

comments

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:

theme

Despite circumstances the benevolence of the human spirit is alive and well.

best

The essay makes the reader identify and relate to the author through common experience.

more work

There is poor organization. The thesis statement is not clear and does not properly relate to the conclusion. The introduction does not grab the readers attention.

Introduction

No, the introduction does not reach and touch me. The introduction does not have any engaging or stimulating description that arouse my imagination.

detail

No, not all paragraphs are detailed. The second, fourth, fourteenth and the fifteenth are the only ones with any quantity of specific detail.

transitions

The transitions that are used are effective, however, there are not enough of them. Transitions need to used in the introduction and the body of the essay. The transitions used near and at the end are effective.

off topic

The information in the conclusion is not supported anywhere in the esay.

conclusion

Not exactly. I know what she has said, and it is clear, however, the conclusion is not evidenced very strongly in the body of the essay.

change?

I would create a stronger thesis statement, give evidence of thesis, create clear and dileneated paragraphs that end with a smooth transistional phrase.

comments

This is a good exercise. It encourages me to think critically.

Contact_FullName:: Tony Plager
Contact_Email:: tplager@hotmail.com

theme

Despite circumstances the benevolence of the human spirit is alive and well.

best

The essay makes the reader identify and relate to the author through common experience.

more work

There is poor organization. The thesis statement is not clear and does not properly relate to the conclusion. The introduction does not grab the readers attention.

Introduction

No, the introduction does not reach and touch me. The introduction does not have any engaging or stimulating description that arouse my imagination.

detail

No, not all paragraphs are detailed. The second, fourth, fourteenth and the fifteenth are the only ones with any quantity of specific detail.

transitions

off topic

The information in the conclusion is not supported anywhere in the esay.

conclusion

Not exactly. I know what she has said, and it is clear, however, the conclusion is not evidenced very strongly in the body of the essay.

change?

I would create a stronger thesis statement, give evidence of thesis, create clear and dileneated paragraphs that end with a smooth transistional phrase.

comments

This is a good exercise. It encourages me to think critically.

Contact_FullName:: Sarah Anderson
Contact_Email:: dragonflz@hotmail.com

more work

Introduction

Yes, it kind of starts the essay out more peacefully to lead into the stress she faces later on in the essay.

detail

Yes, I felt there was good detail and descriptions to all of her main paragraphs, i felt i followed them all.

transitions

I think the transitions are fairly good, she sort of leads into what she is going to talk about in the next paragraph, from what she does in the previous paragraph.

off topic

The only part I think that she used that did not really pertain to the rest of the essay was the reiteration of her kid wanting to watch the "Lion King." I did not feel she needed to put this part into the essay, i didn't feel it was important.

conclusion

Yes, because she proves something she's discovered through a first hand life experience.

change?

I don't think I would change a thing too major really. Maybe put in a little more about when she goes to the supermarket to pick up her purse.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Lynne Murinko
Contact_Email:: lynnemurinko@hotmail.com

theme

The moral is that have faith that not all humankind is bad.

best

I like the ending paragraph, because I am very optimistic when it comes to other people, and I think though now a days you can't trust anyone, you almost feel like you can once you read this.

more work

I think that maybe the length.

Introduction

I was engaged after about the second or third paragraph, because it sounded true and true stories engage me.

detail

I think so.

transitions

I thought it flowed well, but i am not a good critic.

off topic

I kept thinking that she was going to go to the store and they would have mest up and have found someones else's purse and not hers.

conclusion

yes, because she found her purse and it ended happy.

change?

I wouldn't change anything, maybe the length.

comments

nope

Contact_FullName:: Ted McLean
Contact_Email:: theo_mc@hotmail.com

transitions

She doesn't really used any transitions but she can use them in between paragraphs or when going from one idea to the next.

off topic

The driving and driving conditions and also when her son asks to watch "lion King."

conclusion

Yes, because it is a happy ending and it sums up everything and ties it together.

change?

I would definately include more details and have the writing in a paragraphs form. I would also make a thesis.

comments

Its an interesting essay.

Contact_FullName:: Jen Dibble
Contact_Email:: jen_dibble@yahoo.com

theme

That there are still good people out there even if we don't see the everyday or ever at all.

best

There was a lot of details,and you could practically imagine the story, it catches the audiences attention.

more work

The writing was pretty choppy, and there was a lot of periods too many at times.

Introduction

The intro doesn't interest me at all. There isn't much there besides you know that she always feels relaxed after driving. That doesn't seem to interest me.

detail

I would say that each paragraph contains details.

transitions

Because there were so many commas in places it didn't leave much room for transition words. The 2nd paragraph a thing needs some in place of all the periods.

off topic

I don't think that it was necessary to put the bit about her son falling asleep so they both went to bed, it just seems like she was trying to make the story go on and on with those kinds of comments.

conclusion

Yes, tells you the whole reasoning for the store and how she thought that there were no upright citizens out on the streets.

change?

I don't think I would have put so many little details that really were unnecessary to the story, and at times it seems like she was rambling.

comments

I thought that over all it was a good story and that even though I thought it was a little long, at least there was a moral connected to the story.

Contact_FullName:: Elizabeth Dire
Contact_Email:: Beattajay390@earthlink.net

theme

It was clearly stated in the last paragraph. That in today's world people are always assuming the worst about other citizens. And now we should just sit back and realize that there are truly genuine people in today's world. Don' always expect the worst!

best

I would have to say that the writier was clear and straight to the point. Through out this entire essay you could cleary here her voice. She was very descriptive and it can almost make the reader feel like they were also invovled in the situation. This is very important in an esaay, because it will keep the readers attention through the entire essay.

more work

I think it could of had a stronger hook. In the beginning nothing really draws your intrest fast. I also think that if the writer was trying to seek a large audience, at the end of essay, bring in more information about the moral of the story, and maybe little situations so that every person that read this piece, felt invovled and maybe experienced something simular.

Introduction

Like I said before, not really. Not a lot of words, or nothing that related to the topic right away made the beginning a little weaker than the rest of the paper. It almost represented the depth of the moral or theme of this piece.

detail

I think every paragraph contains a lot of detail. Her word chice and the way she presented her feeling to the publics eye,it made the reader feel like they could be apart of her mess.

transitions

For the most part, the paper transitions smoothly. When I began a new paragraph it was not far off the emotions that she was feeling in the last paragraph. Maybe the transitoin from the second to the thrid could have been better, that was the only place where I felt like I had to go back and re-read , I thought I might have missed something.

off topic

I don't think she needed to invovle the car lights that let her see into her trunk in the beginning. It just was not important. But other than that I liked how I could tell how she was exactly feeling throughout the entire essay.

conclusion

When I finished this paper, I felt like she did a good job on her closing paragraphs. She could have tied in more information about how people in general might all not be bad. But other than that I thought it was a strong ending.

change?

I would change my introduction and try to get the reader hooked faster. I would always bring in more conclusion on the morals and theme of this paper.

comments

None

Contact_FullName:: Jennifer Branson
Contact_Email:: animalart4@msn.com

theme

That there is still some good in the race of humans.

best

I like how it ends. The purse is returned with everything intact and it leaves the reader with a feeling of renewed faith in good people.

more work

Some of the wording. I stopped a little bit when I saw "hour an a half" and thought it should be hour and a half.

Introduction

Yes. It felt like a mysterious novel openining up.

detail

Yes, I think so.

transitions

I thought that it flowed very well. I don't feel that transitions need to be added.

off topic

That her son wanted to watch "Lion King," but I suppose that adds to the writer's feeling of having no control over the situation.

conclusion

Yes, it does. It ends in thanks to the man who returned the purse and has a feeling of almost a sigh of relief.

change?

Nothing. Very, very well written.

comments

Interesting! I like it! Although I don't think my faith is restored in mankind, I do think that the woman was very lucky to get her purse back by a good samaratain.

Contact_FullName:: Marlene Stone
Contact_Email:: martystone@hotmail.com

theme

Don't give up on the kindess of man kind.

best

It flowed well, had a good tone.

more work

There are some puncuation errors. but minor.

Introduction

it engaged me casue thats how I feel when I drive in the snow :)

detail

yes it does

transitions

Yes

off topic

None that I saw

conclusion

Very much so.

change?

None what so ever

comments

I liked it very much

Contact_FullName:: Linda Hunt
Contact_Email:: linda_lu_us@yahoo.com

theme

I feel the theme of the narrative is how our perception of life can change instataneously from calmness to chaos. I felt the writer was trying to convey how the misplacing of her purse utterly unnerved her. But with the return of her purse and its contents her faith and perceptions were restored.

best

I felt the author was very good with the way she lead the reader through the incident and with the way she described her feelings.

more work

I would work on gathering some of the paragraphs togeter. Maybe combining the quotations together with more narration. As I read over those parts, it felf choppy.

Introduction

I did enjoy the introduction. I can relate to that feeling of relaxation at the end of the day.

detail

No, the author uses quatations as if they are a complete paragraph. In some instances she separates sentences that should be brought togeter as a paragraph.

transitions

I have reread the narative and I can't see any real transitions from one paragraph to another. One should have transitional sentences from one paragraph to the next.

off topic

Maybe there are details of what the author was doing in her time between losing the purse and retriving it that we didn't really need to know. But she also, I felt was trying to give the reader a sense of her daily life.

conclusion

The conclusion was just a few sentences, but I felt the author did a nice job of closing her story.

change?

I would combine and reparagraph the article. I would not use so much of the direct quoting and would then use more narration.

comments

It is hard for me to be critical of someone else's work. But I know I would like constructive criticsm of me writing, maybe I could then have fewer drafts!

Contact_FullName:: Mailee Wilson
Contact_Email:: mmw_11@hotmail.com

theme

The moral is that there is still hope for goodness in human nature.

best

The best part of the essay is that it is relayed from the writer's point of view. The writer's experience makes the paper interesting and the message portrayed is very relevant.

more work

I thought the paper had a little too much detail. It could have been more concise because I was unsure of what the paper was about after reading the first paragraph.

Introduction

The introduction worked for the paper, but it did not engage my interest. From the first sentence, I thought the paper was about a road trip.

detail

The paragraphs are all detailed.

transitions

The essay used transitions, so reading it was a fairly smooth ride.

off topic

The information that seems to be off topic are the parts about her son wanting to watch a movie and the long conversation she had with the man on the phone.

conclusion

The conclusion fits nicely with the essay because the writer had relayed her fears of having her purse stolen. The fact that she had it returned with nothing missing allowed her to conclude that decent people do exist.

change?

I would probably change the introduction so that the reader understands that the essay is about the goodness of people instead of a ride home.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Joe Mackey
Contact_Email:: tofast4_you@yahoo.com

theme

That there are good kind people still in the world.

best

That she recovered her purse with all of her belongings in it. It was the best part, because most often when you lose something like that, people just keep it or steal and to know that there are still good people in the world is a very reassuring thing.

more work

The only thing, I believe needs more work would be more dialog. Hearing her story is nice, but you kind of want to know what is being said more by the mother and the people working at Safeway

Introduction

The introduction does not, cause when I start reading it I figure it is going to be one of those boring stories that have no intrest to me and I don't relate. As the story progresses and she realizes she lost her purse, then it gains more intrest and I begin to relate when I had lost my wallet.

detail

Most paragraphs do contain specific detail, which was good since you wanted to know how she was feeling and exactly what she was thinking when she was questioning wether someone took the belongings at of her purse before returning it, which is a honest thing people tend to think about. As for the paragraph when she calls Safeway and speaks with Dave, it did not have as must detail, but instead more dialog, which is fine with me.

transitions

The transitions used somewhat make the ideas flow. I really do not think the story needs more transitions.

off topic

The information she talked about watching "Lion King" with her son was off topic. If she had said that she watched it to calm her nerves or relax about her purse, then she could have continued to remain on topic.

conclusion

Yes, because her purse is returned to her with all of her belongings, which is the whole point of the story and then it shows that good people are still around in the world.

change?

The only thing I would change would be the introduction and somehow make it more catchy earlier than it was. I would also try to change the title and make it so it would catch the eye of the audience.

comments

Overall, good story, I enjoyed reading it and once it got going I wanted to finish it since I could relate.

Contact_FullName:: Monica Tripp
Contact_Email:: flying_weasel@juno.com

theme

That not everyone is the world is bad. There are not people waiting around every corner hoping to take advantage of you. Basically this story is somewhat meant to renew ones faith in mankind, as the author says at the end of the piece.

best

The best thing about this essay is that it is written about something that every woman can relate to, and it is written well, in that you can almost become frantic for Lynn, hoping that she finds her purse.

more work

Some of the transitions need some more work, and a couple of the paragraphs seem like they could be combined into the one before them, rather than having three sentences and calling it a paragraph.

Introduction

Yes, the introduction is engaging because it makes you wonder more about the person telling the story. It makes you wonder why she is so glad to be coming home and you want to read more to find out about this person.

detail

The second paragraph from the end does not contain specific detail. The author only says that, "Everything is here!" Rather than describing what "everything"is.

transitions

For the most part transitions are used. But between the fourth and fifth paragraphs there doesn't really seem to be a transition. The author goes from talking about needing to call safeway, to talking about her son wanting to watch The Lion King. The two paragrphs here do not flow together well at all.

off topic

The information given about the author's son seems to be off topic. She keeps going off on how he wants to watch The Lion King and a lot of other Disney movies. Her son doesn't really have anything to do with the story at all, and it doesn't really seem like any of the information pertaining to him is relevant to the story.

conclusion

The conclusion does not give a feeling of closure. It leaves you wondering why she is in debt to the man for recovering more than her purse. Yes, it does contain financial documents, money, and medication, but those are standard items that you would find in ones purse. So basically, the story leaves you wondering what exactly the author meant by the last sentence.

change?

If this were my essay I think that I would leave Michael out of it entirely. He has no real purpose being in the story. That is really the only thing about this story that I didn't like-how she kept going on about her son and Disney movies.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Jobeth Kochel
Contact_Email:: Roxygurl115@msn.com

theme

I think the moral of the narrative is exactly what she said, "This incident has renewed my faith in humankind". Although there are twisted people in the world, not everyone is bad, and there are many "honest, upright citizens".

best

I think the honesty this woman shows us is the best part about the essay. We've all lost or forgotten something truly important and felt panicky about it. This woman tells us exactly what she feels and we genuinely feel for her because we can relate.

more work

She somewhat jumps from subject to subject, and it sounds a bit choppy, but thats the only flaw i can see.

Introduction

Yes, because I live out near Greenbluff, so I know the feeling of relief to be off the slick country roads and highways.

detail

Yes, the woman mentions specifics and you understand what shes trying to say.

transitions

Yes she uses transitions, and a few more could have been added to help the paper flow better.

off topic

No, everything seems to blend well in my opinion.

conclusion

Yes most definitly. She affirms what she's been trying to say, and it gives you a feeling of closure.

change?

I'd add transitions.

comments

The paper is well written, and fairly enjoyable to read(aside from the topic), the author uses good description and holds your attention. All things I look for in a paper.

Contact_FullName:: Josiah Roloff
Contact_Email:: josiah@qwest.net

theme

That we can still find goodness and kindness, in the people of this world.

best

What I like best about this essay is the interesting factor. For most of the essay, I was intrigued and interested in what would happen next. I feel that the author did a good job in using action words that captured my attention.

more work

To me, paragraphs 4 and 5 seem to be harder to read. I think reviewing these paragraphs and looking at the sentence structure pertaining to them, would assist with making smoother transitions both throughout and between the paragraphs.

Introduction

Right of the bat I was not engaged. Though, as the essay continued, I did become engaged. I believe the reason it did not engage me was because I found no common interest or tie between myself and the essay. As the essay continued and I felt the fatigue and emotion inside of me connect with this person in the essay, I found a common tie or bond and was fully engaged.

detail

Paragraphs 5 and 6 appear to not have specific details. They both appear to lean on each other. Paragraph 6 needs paragraph 5 in order for it to work.

transitions

The essay does a good job with transitions. I do think the transition between paragraph 3 and 4, could be cleaned up. Re-read this and see what words you feel could be added, in order to make it more clear and flow better.

off topic

I do not feel that there is any specific information that is off topic. I think all information in this essay assists with the overall view of the character and the situation that she is in.

conclusion

Yes, she got her purse back! She also feels that people can be portrayed as good beings. I personally felt closure after reading this essay.

change?

I would attempt to give a few more details in the opening paragraph. See if you might be able to capture more of an audience’s attention within the opening paragraph. Paragraph 3 and 4, I would change some content within. I feel that these two paragraphs could become cleaner, and thus make a better transition between the two.

comments

My overall view of this essay would be of a well written essay. I think the author did a good job on making a connection with the reader. For some readers it could be immediate, for others like myself, it took getting in to. But, a connection was made nonetheless. Nice job.

Contact_FullName:: Kyle Hulce
Contact_Email:: khulce@msn.com

theme

No matter how awful the situation is, never assume the worst, rather view a situation with an optimistic outlook.

best

Lynn Holen made sure to be very specific about everything and was very informative as well as narrating a situation that all of us might face: the loss of a possesion that holds an incredible value.

more work

She could have detached herself much more emotionally from the situation, she sounds as though she is still scarred by the event.

Introduction

I do not drive, therefore her anxiety is not something I do not really share.

detail

All of them contain specific detail.

transitions

Lynn could have transfered more effectively from the evening of the incident to the morning of being driven to the Safeway.

off topic

Lynn effectively stayed on topic.

conclusion

It summarizes everything very well because it kind of leaves you with a "moral of the story" conclusion.

change?

I would use very effective transitions that seemed more obvious.

comments

I love this essay! Good Job, Lynn!

Contact_FullName:: Michele Bruce
Contact_Email:: mlbruce0322@yahoo.com

theme

The moral or theme of this essay is that there are honest citizens out there, even though it may sometimes feels like there is not one honest person in the world.

best

The best thing about this essay is the amount of detail the author has put into it. As I was reading along, I had a picture in my head the entire time as she described her trip home and the incident with her purse. This is what should happen when reading an essay or story.

more work

I read through this essay about five times. I kept trying to figure out what needed more work, but I honestly couldn't find anything. It's a very detailed essay, that has a strong use of vocabulary. The thesis in the conclusion is done very well.

Introduction

The introduction engaged my interest very much. It was a great way to start off the essay. The amount of detailed displayed, immediately put a visual in my head, and I wanted to keep reading.

detail

Every paragraph does contain specific detail. It discusses the name of the movie her son wants to watch, to listing all the contents in her purse.

transitions

There are many transitions used throughout the essay. Everytime she moved to a different idea, there was another transition to help her writing flow more smoothly.

off topic

The only thing that seems to be off topic a little bit is when she talks about the Lion King, and this being one of her sons favorite Disney movies. This has really nothing to do with her lost purse, so it could really be omited from the essay.

conclusion

I thought the way the author did the conclusion was very good. It wrapped the essay up with the thesis in it. I thought this was a very clever way to end the essay.

change?

If this were my essay, I don't believe I would change anything. It was a well written out essay. I loved the amount of detail that was put into it, and the way the author put the thesis at th end of the essay. It made me want to read on so I knew what the reason of the essay was.

comments

The amount of detail the author put into the essay was done very well. This is one thing I want to work on so my audience gets a visual, just like I did.

Contact_FullName:: Jessica Hamm
Contact_Email:: freelancer816@hotmail.com

theme

The moral of the narrative is that there are some good people in the world.

best

I liked how the author used the conversations as quotes, and didn't paraphrase them.

more work

The essay seemed to be off focus in some parts, and that made it difficult for me to concentrate on the main point.

Introduction

The introduction didn't hook me because it didn't seem interesting to me.

detail

The paragraphs that have people conversing don't have specific detail.

transitions

Transitions are used in this essay, and it made the paragraphs flow together. However, paragraph #15 needs a transition because the essay skipped from going to bed at night to going to Safeway sometime the next day.

off topic

I think that the essay would have been better if the author had left out the part about her son wanting to watch "The Lion King." It didn't have anything to do with the rest of the story.

conclusion

Yes, it does, because it gives the reader the sense that everything is ok again. Also, the conclusion ties up the essay with a moral.

change?

If this were my essay, I wouldn't have used so much detail. It made the story difficult to follow.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Laurel Jackman
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Laurel Jackman
Contact_Email:: BJackman@mead.k12.wa.us

theme

The theme or moral of this narrative is that there is still goodness out in the world even with all the bad things happening some people still have their morals like the gentlemen returning her purse without taking anything from her wallet.

best

I like how the writer uses her adjectives, making the reader feel for her when she couldn't find her purse. It's also great to read about someone doing something good then doing something bad. It's a very descriptive narrative which I like. I like seeing a picture in my mind while reading.

more work

This narrative needs more work on some basic grammer because I found some common error mistakes while looking through it a second time. Also it needs to be more aimed toward the audience as adults, she writes this narrative like she's going to turn it into a 6th grade teacher.

Introduction

The introduction did not really grab my interest. It's very descriptive etc. but kind of boring. I plowed on hoping that it would get more interesting...it got more detailed but it was still kind of boring.

detail

Most all of the paragraphs have enough specific detail to fill a bucket. I did not find any paragraph that lacked any detail.

transitions

All of the transitions flowed easily into the next paragraph. She did very well on connecting all the information into well organized paragraphs and transitions.

off topic

The most major piece of information that I found kind of off topic was the whole discussion about the 'Lion King'. The whole paragraph about her son wanting to see the movie and how he fell asleep before it was over, I didn't get why that piece of information needed to be put in there.

conclusion

I think the conclusion gave me a feeling of closure. She concluded that she was grateful to the mystery gentleman who returned her purse to the store lost and found. The problem was solved, she had her purse and that was the whole major plot going on.

change?

I would change the whole paragraph about the 'Lion King'. Some of the grammer and sentence structure, and the conversations seemed kind of stilted.

comments

I thought it was pretty amazing how a story about a lost purse could fill up about a page and a half.

Contact_FullName:: Caleb McConnell
Contact_Email:: BigRed3907@msn.com

theme

No matter how bad the world seems there are still good people out there.

best

How the writer used a personal experience to convey the moral she wanted us to know.

more work

In the firtst paragraph there were to many details that did not need to be there.

Introduction

No, It is did not realy introduce the story. It just started recalling the events.

detail

Yes, they do.

transitions

Some do, the bigiest on I see is between the first and the second paragraph.

off topic

Yes, how the boy kept on adking to watch the "Lion King", or how the lady commented on how big her purse was. There are too many details that I think did not need to be put in.

conclusion

Yes, it told how she felt about the story and gave us the moral.

change?

Work on transitions, and taking out unimportant details.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Matt Jorgenson
Contact_Email:: jorgensonmatt@hotmail.com

theme

I believe the moral of the essay is that even in distressing situations there are still good poeple in the world who will help, and do the right thing.

best

I think the best part of the essay is the the writer's voice. She is consistent throughout the entire essay and her thoughts are clear.

more work

I think the conclusion could have been more complete. She made a very bold assumption based on one event and only spent three lines describing it.

Introduction

Yes, the introduction did engage my interest. I half expected the essay to actually be good. I liked it because it's elusive. You have no idea where the writer could be taking the story.

detail

I actally believe that each paragraph did include good detail.

transitions

I didn't identify any good transitions. I think, for example, in the paragraph that starts with the writer being relieved and that ends with her and her son going to bed, the writer could have used a transition there. She could have included a sentence about how shook up she was feeling still, and that she was thinking about whether or not she should drive in the morning or not. Some kind of tansition should have been included.

off topic

I don't think so. Any information in a step by step story like this one is usually somehow relevant, even if it just helps the reader understand the subjuct's thought process at the time.

conclusion

I think it does a pretty good job of concluding the story. If there was a lesson learned by the writer, with regard to overreacting or forgetfulness, it wasn't expressed but at least the complete story was told and the reader knows it.

change?

I would rewrite the whole thing. It looks like a first draft. I'm not sure if that is because of data loss while transferring the essay to the web page or if all the grammatical errors are from the original, but I would, at least, start there. Second I would have made more of a statement in the conclusion. I would also use transitions between paragraphs.

comments

One reason why my voice is so strong about this essay is because I found it completely ridiculous that someone could be so shook up from forgetting a purse that she would need someone to drive her the distance back in the morning. Sounds crazy to me!

Contact_FullName:: Laura Cadoret
Contact_Email:: babs_2002@hotmail.com

theme

The theme of the narrative was feelings about a forgotten purse.

best

The words and phrases used to describe the feelings.

more work

sentence structure needs work. there are a lot of run on sentences and sentences that don't make sense.

Introduction

The introduction does engage my interest because it sets the mood for the whole story.

detail

yes. I think every paragraph has at least one detail about the ordeal.

transitions

Transitions are used at the end of almost every papragraph, but one could have been used at the end of the forth one.

off topic

The information about Micheal wasn't nessessary it deters the reader from the topic and confuses them.

conclusion

the conclusion does give me a sense of closure, be cause the writer is finally at ease again.

change?

the information about Micheal, the run on sentences, and the quotes.

comments

no.

Contact_FullName:: Lindsey Kropp
Contact_Email:: Kaylaw5@msn.com

theme

I would say it's about the belief of good, honest people.

best

Her state of panic. Because it's a reasonable feeling and everyone has had those moments. It's also the most suspensful part of the story,

more work

It needs more description and character development. Also could ues more grounding so we care about the character more.

Introduction

Yes. Because it starts in the middle of something and draws you into it.

detail

No. Paragraphs three and four could use more.

transitions

Yes. But maybe paragraph five could use a better one.

off topic

When she talked a little bit about school, and the roads being slick. To me it seemed off topic. They could have been explained more.

conclusion

I think so. Her purse was found safely with all her belongings after she panicked so much. She could finally relax after all she went through.

change?

I might try to develop the characters more and give it more grouding. Maybe add more details about why the purse was so important, and why she was so stressed that she forgot about it. I also might try to make it more suspensful, everything happened rather quickly and convenentally.

comments

It was a short and sweet story. With a few things changed it could be better. Overall it was okay.

Contact_FullName:: Kyunga Min
Contact_Email:: min670

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Donna Woods
Contact_Email:: donna_woods54@hotmail.com

theme

there are honest people in this world.

best

your interest is there till the end because you are uncertain if the contents of the purse are still there.

more work

Introduction

yes, the thought of haveing to drive to newport and then realizing something important is missing is compelling.

detail

yes, none

transitions

Yes, none that I would add

off topic

conclusion

yes, glad she was able to retrive her purse

change?

nothing

comments

Contact_FullName:: James Odle
Contact_Email:: triggerhappyone@html.com

transitions

I feel that there should be a transition from the paragraph about Walt Woltosz and the following one, it just didn't seem to flow very well there for me.

off topic

No I don't think there is any information off the topic.

conclusion

Yes but it could be a little clearer.

change?

I would clarify who Stephen Hawking is and what he accomplished. I would also work on the ending making sure that my point was clear to the reader.

comments

I believe the intro sets up the paper fairly well.

Contact_FullName:: Amber Reeder
Contact_Email:: Ambular1717@hotmail.com

theme

Simply that one must live life to the fullenst and not judge or stop anyone from doing anything that they want.

best

It is both informatvie and emotional. It states facts about the deseases and happening is both Roosevelts and Hawkings life's.

more work

The ideas and order of the paragraphs were jumpy and unorganized.

Introduction

Personally, the introduction does not grab my interest. Beginning something with a date like 1882, makes me think that I am in a history lesson.

detail

Most of the paragraphs seem to contain enough detail, the two paragraphs in which I would change would be the introduction paragraph, there is no definate thesis; I would also chang the concluding paragraph, it did not really seem to have much to do with the essay overall.

transitions

Transitions need to be used more throughout the whole essay, the entire essay jumped from one paragraph about Roosevelt then to Hawking and reverse. It was confusing at times.

off topic

The last two paragraphs only seemed half way on the same topic as the rest of the paper, I think if rewritten they could both be worded better.

conclusion

Not at all. I think that the conclusion was vauge and didn't really end the essay.

change?

I would write about Roosevelt, then about Hawking. After writing about the two I would then compare the two and their accomplishments.

comments

Even though I didn't like the organization of the paragraphs, it was an overall well written essay, I knew what the writter wanted to get accross and I stayed interested.

Contact_FullName:: Jake Axel
Contact_Email:

theme

That even though man kind seems on the brink of destruction at times, some form of decense happens that shows there is some honesty left in this world.

best

The fact that someone did return the purse untouched, because it shows that some people are still honest and realize how important someones valuables are.

more work

I think her conclusion it felt she was just happy to be done with the essay as much as finding her contents.

Introduction

Yes because I too enjoy the time of day just driving home at the end of a long day. Relaxing and reassuring feeling.

detail

The only place I think could of used a little more was her conclusion because it seemed she was just glad to done writing almost as much as finding her purse.

transitions

Yes they are because it helps relate words, phrases and groups of sentences in with the topic. It seemed she was not needing many more if any.

off topic

As she was explaining her sons day, even though it still flowed with the story still.

conclusion

Yes, cause she expressed her happiness and regained her belongings and a little faith towards man kind. Though she may have used a little more.

change?

Not much she seemed pretty much on the topic and in depth on what her experiences were. Maybe a little more happiness and how much trouble I was saved by having all my things returned.

comments

I thought thuis was an outstanding essay it flowed well, stuck to topic, gave keen examples and had exellent information.

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Yelena Oleynik
Contact_Email:: elenao24@msn.com

theme

A powerful man in the office struct with man's most feared disease had to overcome all the obstacles he faced leading the country. Roosevelt changed the history for all men with any dissabilities, for anything you put your mind and body to, is possible and dueable.

best

Writer of this essay points out, how man with dissabilities someone as Roosevelt can make a difference for the future and back to history, to live your life no matter what obstacles await you.

more work

One thing that might need minor work, is organizing paragraphs for them to flow.

Introduction

The introduction starts out strongly, two man with a dissability and many obstacles they faced in their lifetime, but had overcome them with honor and dignity.

detail

I believe each paragraph gives enough details, that support the main point of this essay.

transitions

I would have to say in paragraph three, that par. should have been moved after par. five, where its talking about Hawkings condition.

off topic

I didn't notice anything off topic.

conclusion

The conclusion definetly has a great closure. It's inviting the reader to enter into a country estate with strong men that lead this country, and then it asks you to imagine again the same place but without the leaders that have made a great difference, and without them

change?

Couple of things that I have mentioned in above question: moving around the paragraphs.

comments

Its a well writen essay.

Contact_FullName:: Alison Michael
Contact_Email:: dredhedmd@yahoo.com

theme

Not to let life's obstacles overcome you.

best

It would be a great essay if the information was more organized and to the point. The information sways all over the place.

more work

The last sentance of the one paragraph, and the first sentance of the following should link the thought process a bit better. The paragraphs end and begin to abruptly.

Introduction

Yes, it makes me want to find out who these men are and why their lives are so important to the course of history.

detail

All but the last two, but still the detail is a bit scattered- I don't feel the train of thought through out this essay.

transitions

The overall feel of the essay is a bit jumpy. I don't feel that it reads well. Maybe more oganization or time spent on rough drafts is needed. I think the entire essay lacks in transitioning on paragraph to another.

off topic

I am not understanding the link of the last two paragraphs.

conclusion

No, Who are they talking about in the last papgraph?

change?

I would take out the parenthesis that are used to depict the name of the person referenced as 'he', the reader understands who is being spoken about.

comments

Organize, Organize, Organize.

Contact_FullName:: Morgan Newberry
Contact_Email:: mrssnolvr@aol.com

theme

Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Stephen Hawking, will be remembered most, not for overcoming unbelievable adversity, but rather for their remarkable individual achievements.

best

The best part of this essay was the detail. the writer included alot of detail. I felt like I really know what happend to the two men

more work

The body is good, except paragraph 6, The intro needs a little more detail and the end I don't really get.

Introduction

Yes it does. It makes me want to read on to find out what was so great these two men did that most would never servive

detail

yes, every paragrph talkes about a diffrent part of each mans experiances. with the exection of paragraph 6 and the conclusion.

transitions

No, I don't think there are. It seems the wrier is alterneting paragraphes between each man. I didn't like the way it flowed. To help it out the writer could have added soemthing at the end of each paragrapher to lead the reading into the next

off topic

The end is a little out of place. There is also an introduction twords the end of the eassy that introduces a new person Walt Woltosz and Thoreau. the whole 6th paragraph doesn't really fit.

conclusion

It does for one man but not the other. I got the impression on of them died. and I don't know what happend to the other. The end was a bit confusing.

change?

alot. I would cange the flow. I would also have put something in the intro about the afct that the two men had servied desieses. I was not expecting the eassy to be about that from the intro.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Ryan Miller
Contact_Email:: rmiller@ndm.net

theme

You should never give up on your dreams no matter what life throws your way.

best

You feel really confident. If they could accomplish what they did with what they had I can do it too.

more work

Maybe go into detail a little more about the diseases and tell us the reality it is to survive them.

Introduction

Yes, becasue with out telling you who they are you want to keep reading to find out more.

detail

Yes, each one is almost its own little story that is different yet similiar to the rest of the story.

transitions

No, they need to be at the beginning and end of each paragraph so that the story flows better between the paragraphs.

off topic

The last paragrahp seems out of place and I don't think it really belongs.

conclusion

The last paragraph doesn't, but if you take the last sentence and use it in a different paragraph then it would be a great conclusion.

change?

I would organize the paragraphs a little better so the story flows more naturally and doesn't jump from topic to topic.

comments

Very insightful...

Contact_FullName:: Lisa Gutierrez
Contact_Email:: zoogirl43@yahoo.com

theme

That no matter what circumstances you are born under If you work hard you can acheive anything.

best

The best thing about this essay is the way it compares the lives of Roosevelt and Hawking. This is good because it gets the point across that they were both great men who defied societies expectations and achieved great things.

more work

It needs more datail in the essay. More explanation about the impact that Roosevelt had on Hawkings.

Introduction

Yes, the introduction engages my interest, because it uses descriptive words and it immediatley tells you what the essay is about.

detail

All but one paragraph contains specific details. Paragraph 7 doesn't contain specific details, it doesn't explain what great things Hawkings achieved. Roosevelt is someone that everyone knows about, but alot of people are not as familiar with Hawking and his achievments.

transitions

Yes,transitions are used to help the ideas flow.

off topic

The info about how Hawkings used the Equalizer program to communicate. Its interesting, but doesn't need to be included to make the essay work.

conclusion

Yes the conclusion gives a feeling of closure. It describes 2 scenarios. The first a world with people like Roosevelt and the second a world with out people like Roosevelt. It shows how much we need people like Roosevelt and Hawkings to prosper.

change?

I would explain who Hawkings is, because not everyone is familiar with him.

comments

overall I felt this was a good essay. The writer presented the information and his point of view in a creative way. It was a joy to read.

Contact_FullName:: Jamie Fischer
Contact_Email:: Leloducky@aol.com

theme

I feel that the moral of this story is that you should not judge a person by how they look or their disabilities but rather their capabilities

best

This essay is about how many in history have overcome obstacles that where not considered overlookable, they still lived their lives and despite their disabilities they made a great impact in our lives.

more work

A little more explaining of who Stephen Hawkings is would be helpful but other than that I thought the essay was well written.

Introduction

I liked the introduction, it was a little bland and could use some spicing up, maybe a direct quote or something along those lines.

detail

I thought the third paragraph was a little vague in introducing Stephen Hawkings. The other paragraphs were well written though.

transitions

Transitions are an excellent way to flow from one paragraph to the next or from one thought to the next I as a reader don’t like to just skip around on a topic I like to flow through the essay while reading it. Transitions could have been used a lot more when the writer was switching from Roosevelt to Hawkings.

off topic

The information about who founded Polio and the impact it had on people.

conclusion

I thought the conclusion was a little off the sublect, one minutes we are talking about how courageous people are at overcoming their disabilities and the next we are talking about a garden. Metaphor or not I didn’t think it was necessarily the best ending for the essay.

change?

? I would definetly change the conclusion. I would also try to elaborate a little more on who Stephen Hawkings was and what great things he did throughout his life that makes him substantial in history.

comments

Who is Stephen Hawkings? What importance is he in history?

Contact_FullName:: Troy Mullenix
Contact_Email:: letsgosonics22@aol.com

theme

To never give up and live life to its fullest.

best

I believe that the fact that both men decided to keep their condidion aside from their life and to not let it get in the way. The essay structure itself was well organized and clearly written.

more work

The 1st sentence in the 5th paragraph could be re-worded to make more sense.

Introduction

Yes because it gives a beief background and leads you into wanting to read on.

detail

The 2nd to last paragraph has no source, but still has specific details.

transitions

I believe the essay had a nice flow and did not disrupt my reading.

off topic

The last two paragraphs were not absolutly necessary.

conclusion

Yes, but it could be a little longer.

change?

The 1st sentence of the 5th paragraph and the conclusion I would make longer.

comments

I hope to view life in a better way after reading this essay and getting a sense of what life was like for those who are less-fortunate.

Contact_FullName:: Melissa N. Wiykovics
Contact_Email:: mnwiykovics@hotmail.com

theme

"Without people like this, people with the fortitude to take all life throws at them our world would be a much duller place."

best

The best part of the essay is the empowering way it makes you feel. After reading it you feel like you should be able to go out and conqueor the world.

more work

The conclusion needs much more work. The last paragraph need to transition into the conclusion and the conclusion itself needs to be more elaborate.

Introduction

Yes, the introduction engages the readers interest. It tells the reader enough about these two men to grab your attention but not too much. This way the reader wants to continue reading to find out more.

detail

All of the paragraphs have some type of detail. However, some of the paragraphs, such as the conclusion could include more to fill out the essay.

transitions

No, there are certainly not enough transitions. The paragraph that ends in "He had stared bigotry in the face and backed it down," needs a transition from talking about Roosevelt to Hawking. Another transition is needed when moving into the conclusion.

off topic

The conclusion itself is the only paragraph that seems to be somewhat off topic. The essay is describing the strength of these two men and then we are reading about a garden and a funeral, this does not fit with the theme.

conclusion

No, the conlusion does not give a feeling of closure. In fact, it does not seem to fit with the theme of the essay at all.

change?

I would a more full introduction with more detail and emphasis on a stronger thesis. I would also add more detail to each of the supporting paragraphs and then sum all of this up in a full conclusion.

comments

Overall, the essay seemed very heartfelt but was lacking in many areas.

Contact_FullName:: Bethany
Contact_Email:: Boosoccer@aol.com

theme

The moral or theme is to never give up. Just because something goes wrong does not mean that you can just stop and give up. Try again and then try harder!

best

The examples are the best in this essay. The writer uses great examples that fit perfect in the writing.

more work

Some of the paragraphs could use some rewording. It seemed that some of the paragraphs I had to read a couple of time before I knew what he was trying to say.

Introduction

A little. It is very interesting, but at the same time it could be better.

detail

Each paragraph does contain detail. The last two paragraphs could use different examples, to me they juts do not fit the essay.

transitions

Translations are used very well. There was never a time that i felt that the writer was going off track. All of the paragraphs linked together nicely.

off topic

The only information that I thought was off topic was the last two paragraphs. It really did not seem to fit in with the rest of the paper.

conclusion

To me there was really no closure. The last two paragraphs went of course and left the story hanging.

change?

If this essay was mine the only thing that I would change would be to make my introduction a little bit stronger and the conclusion paragraph to fit and close the paper better.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Kimberly Reedy
Contact_Email:: Kreedy99@yahoo.com

theme

That anyone can be great, with or without disability.

best

It is a powerful reminder that anybody has the ability to do what they want.

more work

I believe they could have done a better job describing illnesses and so on.

Introduction

Yes, it does, because I want to know what happens and to whom!

detail

No, the first definetly does not. I believe that is to grab the reader and make them want to read more.

transitions

The second paragraph, and the last two paragraphs.

off topic

I am not sure about this question.

conclusion

No not really, It actually is very puzzling. What are they talking about sort of thing.

change?

I would give more information in the begining, as well as the end, and I wouldn't jump around so much.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Brianna Musser
Contact_Email:: bikermuss@hotmail.com

theme

The moral theme of the narrative is to perservere under trials and to attain to the goals that you set for yourself.

best

The way that the author describes these two people and the way that they describe their stories.

more work

It could use more work in making the flow of the essay better.

Introduction

Yes it does because it makes you feel like the author is taking you on an adventure.

detail

No. The paragraph about Stephen Hawking having to peck away at his typewriter. It contains some detail but not much.

transitions

Some more transitions could be used in between the paragraphs.

off topic

Yes at the end when he jumps straight into the funeral scene.

conclusion

Yes because it is a funeral scene and these always seem to bring closure to a story.

change?

I would make it flow better.

comments

I liked this essay a ton. It kept my attention throughout the entire thing.

Contact_FullName:: casey ciccarello
Contact_Email:: mary187@worldnet.att.net

theme

When gives you lemons make lemonade. The author states it best "Without people like this, people with the fortitude to take all life throws at them, our world would be a much duller place.

best

The essay gives the reader an inspirational theme that I feel positively effects the mood of the reader.

more work

The most work needs to be done seperating Roosevelt's info from that of Hawking's. The author jumps back and forth too much. I felt a few places of story mixing was appropriate to the essay.

Introduction

Yes it sets up the reader, giving us the necessary info of what the essay is about--Two extraordinary men who faced adversity that overcame all odds and made major contributions to the human race.

detail

I believe the third and fourth paragraph need to be altered to better fit the essay. Either one has lack of info that obstruct the flow of the reader.

transitions

The third paragraph's last (transition) sentence shouldn't have been used for leading into the fourth. An extra sentence should be added that contains info about Hawkins and/or doctors.

off topic

The information about Dr. Salk and his discovery of the polio vaccine isn't necessary.

conclusion

The conclusion doesn't portray the moral of the story very well, therefore, it has less significance to the essay.

change?

I would have changed the conclusion to state words of inspiraion and inspire hope but relating them to the main characters. Satisfaction for the reader would be accomplished with a positive ending not the negative one.

comments

The essay is good because of its historical and moral relevance. We as humans find inspiration and hope hard to come by especially in the written form. I do, however, believe this story lacks emotion from the author and ends rather dull.

Contact_FullName:: Nathan Darling
Contact_Email:: nohaymejor@hotmail.com

theme

That the homeless or the poor are not numbers and not something we only see in cities and urban areas. They are people and need help regardless of who they are or who they appear to be.

best

The way the author compares the location to Seattle while it is merely Liberty Lake and the way that he gives to the ones in need.

more work

I don't think 'habituating' is a real word and if it is I don't think it should have been made one. And the essay seems flooded with excessively high-fluting terms. The reader might rather gag on the sanctimonious wielding of vocabulary than bother about the problem with the poor.

Introduction

In a way. It sort of discredits the author as afluent and therefore casts doubt on the credibility of the sentiments regarding the underprivileged.

detail

Actually, most of the paragraphs contain specifics though the references to statistics could be more concrete.

transitions

Transitions should be anywhere ideas might jump from subject to subject, particularly at the beginning of paragraphs.

off topic

Most of it is on topic. The only thing that seems to stray is the whole bit about the olympic gold medal or the donuts. Or Albertsons.

conclusion

Not entirely; the last sentence is the start of another subject or treatise.

change?

Perhaps the last paragraph, maybe making the last line less obviously open-ended and more like a closure. Perhaps saying "We must all beware the indiscriminate hand of poverty." or "When it happens to you you will wish the same kindness. Without reform there may be none." or "Even you can prevent homelessness."

comments

Overall it was really good. I mean I could almost see the whole thing play out. I was closer than I wanted to be to the action. But that's me.

Contact_FullName:: Christopher A. Lundy
Contact_Email:: christcmdc@comcast.net

theme

The position of the rural homeless juxtaposed against the position of the urban homeless situation nessecitates a different approach to comfront the quandary. The requisite need for mainstream homeless programs for the urban individuals is markedly different from the rural homeless and requires individual handouts in conjunction with state and federal programs due to the limited resources in rural areas.

best

The authors presentation of the problem with the homeless in general is what was best about the essay. Shaw used a profound abd ordinary example to illustrate the desparity of the situation with the rural homeless. The example made the poverty and desperate nature of their situation readily ostensible.

more work

Some of the language within the essay needs revision for clarity for example "no definite count of the rural homeless nation wide published" this phrases needs revision because it does not make have a clear meaning within the essay and their are several mispelled words within the essay for example "theme" used instead of "them" in reference to any us being in the same position. The author also needs to site her references within the text properly especially after a direct qoute which she failed to do in the 4th paragraph first quote.

Introduction

The introduction was engaging to me from the start of the essay. The common nature of the beginnings of her morning disrupted by the ostensible realities of life in America for a large protion of society and the all to real nature of the senario touch a persons core.

detail

All of the paragraphs contain specific details to futher the essay.

transitions

There asre transitions used but within the text and not from paragraph to paragraph to provide a sysnergistic flow to the essay and to help the reader.

off topic

I did not see any information that was off the topic.

conclusion

change?

I would include the problem with counting the homeless and why no accurate can be obtained witha statistical relevance and the reasoning for not attemting such an endeavor. There must be some political or societal relevance for not, I would explore these reasons.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Christopher A. Lundy
Contact_Email:: christcmdc@comcast.net

theme

best

The authors presentation of the problem with the homeless in general is what was best about the essay. Shaw used a profound and ordinary example to illustrate the desparity of the situation with the rural homeless. The example made the poverty and desperate nature of their situation readily ostensible.

more work

Some of the language within the essay needs revision for clarity for example "no definite count of the rural homeless nation wide published" this phrases needs revision because it does not make sense and does not have a clear meaning within the essay and their are several mispelled words within the essay for example "theme" used instead of "them" in reference to any us being in the same position. The author also needs to cite her references within the text properly especially after a direct qoute which she failed to do in the 4th paragraph first quote.

Introduction

The introduction was engaging to me from the start of the essay. The common nature of the beginnings of her morning disrupted by the ostensible realities of life in America for a large portion of society and the all to real nature of the senario touch a persons core.

detail

All of the paragraphs contain specific details to futher the essay.

transitions

There are transitions used but within the text and not from paragraph to paragraph to provide a sysnergistic flow to the essay and to help the reader.

off topic

I did not see any information that was off the topic.

conclusion

No, it does not provide a sense of closure to the quandary of the homeless. The essay merely ends with Shaw telling the reader that any of us could be in a similar situation if circumstances were different. It also offers no avenues for the reader to assist in the situation by providing help line information or contant organizations.

change?

I would include the problem with counting the homeless and why no accurate numbers can be obtained with a statistical relevance and the reasoning for not attemting such an endeavor. There must be some political or societal relevance for not, I would explore these reasons.

comments

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Rosa David
Contact_Email:: rosadene@yahoo.com

theme

This essay is about families who need assistence from goverment angencies who are not recieving the help they need.

best

The research that went into the writing of the essay.

more work

I feel that the 1st paragraph needs work. It goes on and on about gong to the store to buy donuts.

Introduction

Somewhat, but as the essay contines it becomes more interesting.

detail

yes

transitions

I think each paragraph flows nicely together, the transitions are smooth.

off topic

The 1st pararaph gives more information that needed abot the author.

conclusion

I feel that the last two paragraphs make for a nice conclusion.

change?

the 1st paragraph

comments

Contact_FullName:: keith whitbeck
Contact_Email:: whitbeckkc@comcast.net

theme

The moral theme of this essay is try to help others in need it is very acceptable to give to the less fortunate for one day i might be less fortunate and i would like to be given food if i were starving . Basically do on to others as you would like to be treated.

best

In this essay i like the fact that the lady was only going to the store to buy doughnuts, and then saw the homeless family it is true she had seen homeless before but she felt that it was her duty to help them out. Helping a person in time of need is very honorable and self rewarding.

more work

I think the story was great but the author could have elaborated more on the family for example why the family was homeless and if they had any relatives close by.

Introduction

The introduction does grab my interest because the author was simply getting a "nutritional" breakfast for her family and ended up being very kind to the less fortunate.

detail

Almost all the parasgraphs contain specific details but the fifth paragraph which doesnt have any facts just speculation.

transitions

In the third paragraph into the fourth the transition there made the paper flow smoothly into the next subject.

off topic

Going to work in seattle references are a little off topic but having lived in seattle i have seen my share of homeless and i have given them money quite a bit but you can always tell which people are trying to scam you. This one time a guy aproached me and said his car was out of gas and could he have a few dollars to get him and his mother home, so naturally i thought i could help him out so i gave him a few dollars. The very next day the same guy approached and asked the same thing at that point i said didnt i give you money for the same thing yesterday and the man walked away.

conclusion

It kinda gives the feeling of closure i like the part that says we could be one of the homeless on any given day it really makes you wonder.

change?

If this were my essay i would discuss more about homelessness and situations that make people homeless cause most people look at a homeless person and think there lazy get a job. Its not that easy with no home and maybe they had a good job before and something bad happened. Like in the movie The Fisher King when Robin Williams plays a homeless man who was crazy but before he was homeless he had a P.H.D. but his wife being murdered in front of him made him crazy.

comments

I truly feel for the homeless i have known a few myself i try to help them as much as i can. I mean ive seen a guy on the side of the freeway entrance with a dog and me and my freinds stop and give him dogfood and some money its not much but its better than nothing. The whole point of this paper is to be kind to others it doesnt mean you have to give money to every homeless you see you can donate food or clothes or money to your local shelter too that way you know the money wont be used for drugs or alcohol.

Contact_FullName:: Jason Allen
Contact_Email:: jandmegs@hotmail.com

theme

To help the homeless, who are much less fortunate.

best

I believe the style of writing was the best because the way that the writer described when they first saw the family. Also, the use of vocabulary allowed the writing to flow.

more work

The writer possibly could have stated the ojecive towards the beginning. Also, their is a spelling error in the last paragraph, and the use of single quotes in the sixth paragraph I think is also wrong, but not completely sure.

Introduction

Very much so. I did find myself wondering what the "gut wrenching sight" the writer was talking about was.

detail

The transition from the first paragraph to the second could have been more clear. The second to the third was great, and the rest seemed great.

transitions

A transition needs to be between paragrah's 2 and 3, and the flow and point of the writing was interrupted a bit by the story of the homelles man in Seattle.

off topic

The section in paragraph two about the homeless man from Seattle seemed to be off topic because the individual story seemed to contrdict the author's point. The section about Seattle was necessary for the comparison of a big city to Liberty Lake.

conclusion

It does give a sense of closure, but it could have been implanted throughout the rest of the writing to give the story more lasting power.

change?

the only part that I would change is the organization by adding small tidbits of information from the conclusion and implementing them into my intro and body paragraphs.

comments

I wish had the beautiful, descriptive style that this writer has.

Contact_FullName:: Marcie Cholewnski
Contact_Email:: Cchlw@aol.com

theme

Rural poor are often unaided.

best

The emotion it raises. The reader connects with the text.

more work

The fourth paragraph needs work. It is difficult to understand and is vauge. The quote from "The Visable Poor" dosen't make sense to me. Also the third paragraph surprised me because the writer was writing like the story was taking place in Seattle, but in fact took place in Spokane.

Introduction

Yes, I recognized the family. I have seem many families like this myself and felt the discomfort of not knowing if I should help or not. The details make the reading enjoyable. I can "see" the picture in my mind.

detail

No, the fourth paragraph does not contain specific details.

transitions

Yes, there is a transition. The word "However" in the third paragraph is a transition. All the other paragraphs could use transitions.

off topic

conclusion

I felt closure. Why rural homeless need public support and how easily the places could be reversed.

change?

The fourth paragraph. I would omit a lot of it and combine it into the 5th paragraph.

comments

I enjoyed reading it and learning about this topic. I didn't know this was a problem.

Contact_FullName:: Gennadiy
Contact_Email:: gennadiy50@hotmail.com

theme

The necessity of the human attention for the individuals who are in need.

best

I really like the personal examples from the writer’s life. The essay becomes more clear and easy to understand.

more work

I think that second body paragraph needs more explanation in it.

Introduction

Yes, because it starts from the personal example.

detail

First paragraph doesn’t have specific details, compare to the fifth one.

transitions

I can see the transition from the first paragraph to the second one; however, I do not see from second to third. Again, I can see the transition from the third to the forth, however there is no transition to the fifth paragraph.

off topic

I think that the reference to the author is off topic, because it doesn’t have the main point in it.

conclusion

I think the conclusion is pretty good because it has the future suggestions.

change?

I would add some more information to the second and forth body paragraphs and I would use stronger references to the author.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Monte Mortensen
Contact_Email:: lcruiser@hotmail.com

theme

Homeless people need recognition and support in a rural setting

best

The discription is vivid and creates a sense of being in the parking lot.

more work

I had a hard time pulling out the thesis out of the first paragraph and the structure needed some work.A few misspelled words and minor puncuation.

Introduction

I was not sure what the paper was about until I got about 3/4 of the way through the first paragraph and then I got the general idea the title helped direct me.

detail

Yes I felt the paragraphs offered a lot of detail and information.

transitions

I felt the the sixth paragraph followed along with the first. This was an action she took on that morning. The rest of the paragraphs had to deal with facts and figures accounting for the homeless.

off topic

I felt the detail about her personal spending habits distracted me away from the meaning the essay wanted to convey

conclusion

Yes, I feel the conclusion sums up the problem of the homeless and as society asks us to play a more active role in preventing widespread poverty in a rural setting

change?

I would clearly state my thesis in the first paragraph and I would use the first couple of sentences to introduce the topic. If it were my essay I would change the organization of each paragraph so it had a different flow.

comments

I felt this assignment should have been set up to print the whole page to make it easier for the student to edit the essay without having to view it on a screen.

Contact_FullName:: Amy Monforton
Contact_Email:: amymonforton@yahoo.com

theme

The theme of this essay was to discuss the difference between homeless people in rural and urban areas. It brought up the problems with being homeless in rural areas.

best

What I thought was best about the essay, was the fact that you could tell the author was passionate about the topic. She expressed how she felt, and was very informative.

more work

I thought the transition from the first paragraph to the second, needed more work. It jumped from one to the next, I don't think it flowed well together. I also thought the whole second paragraph needed more work. The author went right from what she was going to feed her family, to working in Seattle.

Introduction

The first few sentences did not engage my interest. I wasn't very interested in reading about someone driving to the store to get donuts, right off the bat. Once she got to describing the family, which had more to do with her topic, I was more interested.

detail

All the paragraphs cointained specific detail about her topic. I just dont think the second paragraph went well with the others.

transitions

I thought all the paragraphs, except the ones I already mentioned had good transitions. After the first transition, the author kept the paper flowing pretty well.

off topic

I thought the author put too much uneccessary detail into driving to the store to get donuts. I also thought the second paragraph was a lottle off topic. It was more about her own experience rather than facts about the homeless as a whole.

conclusion

The conclusion did leave a feeling of closure. The whole paper was wrapped up in one good paragraph. I felt it left you thinking about the topic. She ended with a good sentence.

change?

I would change the begining of the paper, the opening sentences. I would also change the first transition.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Billie Ebel
Contact_Email:: BILLIEEBEL@YAHOO.COM

theme

The main theme of this essay is that our “rural homeless are less fortunate (than urban area homeless) and need individuals as well as public support and recognition” (A. Shaw, The Rural Homeless Quandary, Pg. 2 of 4, paragraph 4).

best

Being able to share someone’s personal experience of sorrow and giving in such a sad situation as a homeless family is humbling. This writer kept me emotionally attached to her story the whole way through. As gut-wrenching as this topic is, Annette Shaw was able to put it out there in an understandable and attention-grabbing way.

more work

Being a novice writer at this time, I would have a hard time finding any area of this essay that would need more work.

Introduction

I felt instantly connected to this story from the introduction. The way the writer describes herself going through her “carefree morning where my biggest concern was the reckless breakfast I was about to feed my family” (A. Shaw, The Rural Homeless Quandary, Pg. 1 of 4, paragraph 1). It reminded me how easily I become so involved in my own life, family and routines that I tend to ignore the hardships of others and of the world as a whole. It seems easier to put blindfolds on and keep out the sadness going on around us. Our own trials and hardships keep us quite invested.

detail

This writer used such clear and descriptive details such as “A mother and father were standing against a jalopy of a car the color of an Olympic gold metal gone unpolished for eons” (A. Shaw, The Rural Homeless Quandary, Pg. 1 of 4, paragraph 1) that I could clearly imagine the initial scene. This descriptive detail was nicely used throughout the entire essay. The citing throughout gave support to this essay creating some comfort in the authenticity of the topic.

transitions

Transitions used like “However, this was not Seattle, not even Spokane, this was Liberty Lake, WA, a small…” (A. Shaw, The Rural Homeless Quandary, Pg. 1 of 4, paragraph 3) kept the ideas of the writer apparent.

off topic

I feel that the content of each paragraph directly reflected the main theme of this essay.

conclusion

As upsetting as the conclusion is, it ended this essay efficiently. It gives you something to think about and it is an issue that we all should be taking into consideration so as to make a difference in some way.

change?

As I mentioned before I am a novice writer and from my experience so far, I wouldn’t change anything.

comments

I found this essay to be written at a level that I can understand and follow. I enjoyed reading it and this definitely helps to keep my interest.

Contact_FullName:: Billie Ebel
Contact_Email:: BILLIEEBEL@YAHOO.COM

theme

The main theme of this essay is that our “rural homeless are less fortunate (than urban area homeless) and need individuals as well as public support and recognition”.

best

more work

Being a novice writer at this time, I would have a hard time finding any area of this essay that would need more work.

Introduction

I felt instantly connected to this story from the introduction. The way the writer describes herself going through her “carefree morning where my biggest concern was the reckless breakfast I was about to feed my family”. It reminded me how easily I become so involved in my own life, family and routines that I tend to ignore the hardships of others and of the world as a whole. It seems easier to put blindfolds on and keep out the sadness going on around us. Our own trials and hardships keep us quite invested.

detail

This writer used such clear and descriptive details such as “A mother and father were standing against a jalopy of a car the color of an Olympic gold metal gone unpolished for eons” that I could clearly imagine the initial scene. This descriptive detail was nicely used throughout the entire essay. The citing throughout gave support to this essay creating some comfort in the authenticity of the topic.

transitions

Transitions used like “However, this was not Seattle, not even Spokane, this was Liberty Lake, WA, a small…” kept the ideas of the writer apparent.

off topic

I feel that the content of each paragraph directly reflected the main theme of this essay.

conclusion

change?

As I mentioned before I am a novice writer and from my experience so far, I wouldn’t change anything.

comments

I found this essay to be written at a level that I can understand and follow. I enjoyed reading it and this definitely helps to keep my interest.

Contact_FullName:: Jason Allen/Rosa David
Contact_Email:

theme

families and government assisstance for the homeless.

best

The writer's ability to describe the storie's detail, and her use of vocabulary.

more work

Their were a few grammar mistakes, and she could have made her point more apparent thoughout the entire paper, not just the conclusion. The transition from par 1 and 2.

Introduction

At the beginning. The first paragraph is a bit to long, and the gov't agency information became boring.

detail

yes, sometimes to much detail.

transitions

No, they need transition sentences

off topic

The paragraph about Seattle. The comparison between the big city of Seattle and Liberty Lake was good, but off topic.

conclusion

She could have combined the last two paragraphs.

change?

spelling and grammar, as well as better transtions.

comments

this was an exceptional paper.

Contact_FullName:: Fanny
Contact_Email:: fannyrider@o2.pl

theme

Dear Webmaster, We several Websites with high PR, our main target is to get links for sites with lingery, weight loss and beauty products. If you are interested please contact me and I will give you all the relevant details. We also have several other sites, where we are looking for link exchange. Best Regards, Fanny Rider Link developmen

best

Introduction

detail

transitions

conclusion