Results from Form 1 of Page Fall201/feedback

Contact_FullName:: jan
Contact_Email:: jan`

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Liz Engebretsen
Contact_Email:: smokenhot1@aol.com

theme

It is easier to believe in the bad then in the good. The moral is that we must have faith in people.

best

I believe the essay flows really well, the ideas are effectively ordered. You recieve information in each paragraph, and you also come away from the essay thinking about the thesis.

more work

The subject is clear but it comes late in the essay. The essay flows well but it seams more like a story then an essay.

Introduction

The introduction does engage my interest, because it is entertaining and flows really well.

detail

Almost each paragraph contains specific detail. The ones that don't are transitions into the next thought.

transitions

As stated above, the transition are used to help the ideas flow. I felt the essay flowed great, I don't know where i would add any.

off topic

The information about driving into the snow bank, or the woman saying the purse was really big, these are a few things that seem off the topic. But this information allows the essay to flow well and keep your interest but it doesn't seem to have any pertinent information.

conclusion

The conclusion left you thinking about the topic, but I felt it closed of the essay well. It did this by ending the story, she found her purse, everything was in it, and all is well. But it leaves you thinking about human nature and the distrust we have in each other.

change?

I'm not exactly sure what I would change. I really like this essay, because it is more story like, but depending on the assignment it might not be appropriate.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Mandy Martinez
Contact_Email:: ammartinez@yahoo.com

theme

The theme for this story seems to be about faith. In other words, depending on others when temptation is involved.

best

The best element in this particular essay is the reality that is brought to the reader by description. Description keeps us as the readers interested.

more work

Lynn likes to use the phrase "all the while" quite often. It is a good phrase, but the repeative phrase makes the reader lose interest.

Introduction

I first struck interest in the story beginning the second paragraph. The title didn't fit right with the first paragraph. At the beginning of the secong paragraph I thought it had a chance to explain the title.

detail

All paragraphs made sense and used an excessive amount of detail.

transitions

Transitions are used within the body of the paper well. However, the beginning and concluding paragraphs could use better transitions so they fit within the story.

off topic

It seems like the first and concluding papragraphs are trailing a little. I think with a more descriptive transition it would fit well.

conclusion

I fell closure in relief that Lynn retrieved her purse safely. I don't feel any closure to the body of the story because Lynn never mentioned he doubt in others until the end of the story.

change?

If this were my essay I would probably put more descriptive transitions in the intro and conclusion. I think it would tie in with the title to make better sense.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Laurie Moyer
Contact_Email:: laurie_moyer@hotmail.com

theme

Have faith in your fellow man. Not everyone is out to get you or take advantage of your misfortune. It may be better, and less stressful, to look for a positive outcome to a bad situation. However, human nature tends to lead to a pessimistic outlook vice an optimistic one.

best

The “happy ending.” It makes you feel good that there are still honest people in the world and they are all around us. “This incident has renewed my faith in humankind, and every time I think that the world has gone mad, and there aren't any honest, upright citizens, I'll just think of this mishap. I can't help but wonder who the gentleman was who returned my purse. I am indebted to him for more than just the recovery of my purse.”

more work

There is some mixing of past and present tense (paragraph 2: With my arm outstretched I search the passenger side of the car…). There are lapses in time; she goes from standing at the trunk to driving with no transition. “Just then a truck was approaching and his headlights gave a luminous yet ominous view of the trunk, the purse was not there. I resumed driving down the road.”

Introduction

Not really, the title, A Tribute to Honesty, is interesting but the essay seems to pick up after the introduction. “As I turned off the highway I could feel my body relax as it always does after the long drive from Spokane. Coyote Trail is a country road and unlike the highway, it's snow packed and icy, but that didn't bother me, it just felt good to be nearly home.” There is no link between the introduction and the conclusion. “This incident has renewed my faith in humankind, and every time I think that the world has gone mad, and there aren't any honest, upright citizens, I'll just think of this mishap. I can't help but wonder who the gentleman was who returned my purse. I am indebted to him for more than just the recovery of my purse.” Talking about how she had felt about people before this incident and things can happen to change your perspective might have piqued my interest more to read on.

detail

The one paragraph that I noticed which did not contain specific detail was the third one. "Oh God!!" I said to myself. By that time Michael had awaken and was asking to watch "Lion King". My mind was swimming with fear for the worse with every second that passed.”

transitions

In general she used transitions but there are places where more should be used. There is no transition from standing in front of the trunk to her resumption of driving home. There is no transition between the night she lost the purse and the next morning. “He fell asleep before it was over, so we went to bed. My mom drove me to Spokane the next day because I was still pretty unnerved.” I’m sure the night was restless but she makes no mention of it. Where is her Michael in the morning? He is mentioned in great detail on the drive home and that evening but goes unmentioned the following day.

off topic

The names of people, the name of the movie her son wanted to watch, and the exacting list of her purses’ contents don’t add to the purpose of the essay: honesty.

conclusion

I would have taken out some of the meaningless detail and focused more on the feelings and anxiety associated with misplacing such an important item. Perhaps talked about why I had such misgivings about society. “I had about $150.00 in one wallet, although it was hidden in a compartment, and all my medications. The letters, too, they were related to my financial assistance that I receive. And then there's my drivers license, student identification, ATM card, and the list kept growing.”

change?

I would change the introduction to peak the readers’ interest. “As I turned off the highway I could feel my body relax as it always does after the long drive from Spokane. Coyote Trail is a country road and unlike the highway, it's snow packed and icy, but that didn't bother me, it just felt good to be nearly home.” The introduction says nothing about the theme, honesty. How about, “Every now and then something happens to restore your faith in others.”

comments

It is interesting that her mother, at one point was reassuring her daughter that the contents of her purse were probably untouched. Then after the daughter's purse was returned with everything in it, the mom stated, "well, you're lucky". This lead me to believe that mom did not have an optimistic outlook, but may have just been trying to allay her daughter’s fears about it by being positive. “I phoned my mom and told her of my plight. She reassured me that if the gentleman had returned the purse, he probably left the contents untouched. Everything is here! I exclaimed to my mom. Well, you're lucky, she replied.” In the final sentence she states “I am indebted to him for more than just the recovery of my purse.” I understand the concern of losing such an important item, but indebted to him? That is quite a strong statement, of her feeling obligated for what seems to be a humane gesture.

Contact_FullName:: Kenneth Hamley
Contact_Email:: kenhams@gateway.net

theme

That there is still hope for humanity. There is still good people out there willing to do the right thing.

best

That it is well writen. I couldn't what to get to the end of the paper to find out what will happen to her purse.

more work

I think the Thesis Statement could be worked on, because I didn't know what the paper was going to be about until a reached the body of the paper.

Introduction

Yes, it makes me want to read on and find out what the paper is about.

detail

Yes, I think there is adequate detail in each paragraph.

transitions

Yes, no more transitions needed to be used.

off topic

The son wanting to watch the "Lion King".

conclusion

Yes, it makes you feel that now she has here purse everything is safe.

change?

The introduction.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Joel Cook
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Brad Hemenway
Contact_Email:: bjgh99@mstar1.net

theme

I think the theme of this narrative is how the average person would react inwardly and outwardly to losing something important.

best

I like how the author portrayed how the inward emotions of the woman who lost the purse. I could really put myself in her shoes as she reacted to her innocent child.

more work

It just need a little cleaning up. Deleting some of the wording to let it flow better.

Introduction

I did like the intro. I could relate to the familiar road. I knew the frame of mind that Lynn was in. I knew the temperature. It was a good way to catch your attention by touching on senses that would be familiar to most people.

detail

Most seemed to have detail. We could have had a little more detail on the Safeway employee who she talked to on the phone. Did he sound new? professional? young? Was he just a minimum wage employee that didn't care, or was he generally concerned for the customers ?

transitions

It seemed a little choppy from going to bed at night to the next morning and she is with her Mom.

off topic

Yes. The little part where she is giving the comparison to the robbery in one's house. It just does not fit.

conclusion

No. This could be the conclusion if with the same events presented in a different way. The story to me was feeling the frustration of losing some thing.

change?

I would give a little more feeling of the coldness of the air. Talk a little more of the emotions that race through your mind. Example: its going to be ok then you think its not ok. You go to bed and wake up refreshed but then quickly remember about the purse and get that sunken feeling in your stomach that won't completly leave until there is final closure. Definatly change the conclusion.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Brad Hemenway
Contact_Email:: bjgh99@mstar1.net

theme

I think the theme of this narrative is how the average person would react inwardly and outwardly to losing something important.

best

I like how the author portrayed how the inward emotions of the woman who lost the purse. I could really put myself in her shoes as she reacted to her innocent child.

more work

It just need a little cleaning up. Deleting some of the wording to let it flow better.

Introduction

detail

transitions

It seemed a little choppy from going to bed at night to the next morning and she is with her Mom.

off topic

Yes. The little part where she is giving the comparison to the robbery in one's house. It just does not fit.

conclusion

No. This could be the conclusion if with the same events presented in a different way. The story to me was feeling the frustration of losing some thing.

change?

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Donna Martin
Contact_Email:: DonnaMschool@aol.com

theme

The body of this narrative deals with the stress of loosing one's purse. It's not until the end of the essay that you correlate the title of the essay with the true theme.

best

Paragraph #2 had the most descriptive details. I could picture Lynn or myself rummaging through papers, books or searching the floor of the car to find the missing purse. I could identify with the feeling of doom realizing the purse was nowhere to be found.

more work

The conversation portion of the essay felt fragmented unnecessary. It didn't flow nicely. I felt that some of the information was not needed, as in, He continued, " We tried to call you but Newport is long distance, and there is a special code we must have to make long distance phone calls."

Introduction

The opening could have been more descriptive. It sparked my interest but only for the first sentence. What was the traffic like? Was there snow falling?

detail

Most of the paragraphs have adequate details. The paragraph after she found her purse was lacking in details. She had described in detail the events that lead up to her finding her purse and her feelings about loosing her purse. Unfortunately, once she found her purse, she only wrote, "Everything is here!" I exclaimed. There should have been more written about her emotions upon finding the contents of her purse intact. Example: My heart raced as I quickly opened my purse. I felt like a child anxiously awaiting her birthday present.

transitions

The conclusion needed a better transition. I felt that it came out of nowhere. The essay went from "Everything is here", "Well, you're lucky" to a renewed faith in humankind. It might flow easier with something like; In addition to finding the contents of my purse intact, I now have a renewed faith in humankind.

off topic

It seemed unnessary to talk about the "Lion King". It distracted from the theme of the essay to that point.

conclusion

I like the conclusion but felt cheated by the statement, "I can't help by wonder who the gentleman was who returned my purse." By putting the word wonder, it left me wondering who returned her purse verses the theme of a honest man.

change?

I would leave out the section of quotes. I would find a way to summarize the conversation with the store cleric without utilizing word for word verbatim.

comments

This is not an easy exercise for me to do. I'm definately not used to critqueing this style of writing. I use to medical charting which is very task oriented and specific.

Contact_FullName:: Joel Cook
Contact_Email:: Ccook789@cs.com

theme

The moral or theme of this narrative is always looking for the good in people. Sometimes in life this is not so easy, depending on our situations. When I hear about stories like this it helps restore my faith in my fellow human beings.

best

I really like how your story starts out like a suspense novel. The anticipation of wanting to know if you received your “sidearm” back kept me interested until the end. Your descriptive words helped me visualize what I was reading.

more work

For starters I think you need to work on punctuation. Towards the end of the story you use a question mark at the end of a sentence, which doesn’t’ require one. There are also some run-on sentences that could be restructured. This may be obvious but there are no indentions on any of your paragraphs. The past and present tense needs some work too. This area also gives me problems too.

Introduction

The introduction did interest me in reading further. I could identify with the experience of having completed many long drives myself. It is such a relief to pull in the driveway and turn off the car after many hours behind the wheel.

detail

For the most part there is a lot of detail, although some of it is confusing. For example it is really unclear where you live. There is no real indication that you live in Newport until about half way through the story. Some of the detail about the “Lion King” and your son was real in depth. Incidentally, there wasn’t a lot of detail about how and where you lost your purse.

transitions

I could only find a few transitional words that allowed the ideas to flow freely. I would have used more transitions to indicate time order, and something that occurs in time. For example I would have used words like the following to indicate the crashing of the car into the snow berm: suddenly, immediately, instantly, and in an instant.

off topic

The information that seems to be off topic is how you slipped in the make of your vehicle with no prior explanation when it was appropriate. It would have been useful information at the beginning of the story.

conclusion

Yes, it did give me a feeling of closure. However, I thought you could have perhaps expounded more on the reality that there are honest people in the world. It would have been nice to have more information on the gentleman that returned your purse.

change?

I would have included more information that was critical to the story. This would have probably made it less confusing.

comments

The first time I read this story I didn’t really pick up on the mistakes that were made. However, after examining it more closely I realized there were a lot of errors I had overlooked. Since I haven’t had English 101 for about fifteen I know that I still have much to learn about English in general!

Contact_FullName:: marith mccoul
Contact_Email:: MMcoul@aol.com

theme

The moral of this story is that not everyone in Spokane is dishonest. Were the truth known, the majority would most likely return the purse. I did note that she didn't even ask for the man's name so she could thank him.

best

It does a good job of conveying the sense of urgency she must have felt. It's exciting.

more work

Some of the actual word useage is a little shakey or actually inappropriate. (Websters required) For example: "fear for the worse".

Introduction

It starts a little slow. A better beginning might have been, "It wasn't there!!!!"

detail

yes

transitions

yes

off topic

The Lion King and movie stuff.

conclusion

yes. She gives her conclusion clearly.

change?

I'd lose a lot of the detail that's off-topic like the weather, the movies, and her family.

comments

Altogether pretty good. It's weakest in the area of word useage.

Contact_FullName:: Joleen Riley
Contact_Email:: mtbody@cyberport.net

theme

The moral if this theme is that there are honest people in the world today.

best

I think that the best part of the essay is that she had renewed faith in mankind. I think that it is important to remember that not all people are awfull and that the who world is not corrupt. This is sometimes hard to do with all of the evil that happens in our world today, and it sometimes takes an event as Lynn's to make you realize it.

more work

I think that the thing that needs work the most is that she does not always finish what she starts to say. For example, she says how much her son is asking about the movies, but she never says what she does about it or what her responces tward him are. She eventually tells us that she watched part of the movie with him, but she started to describe a stressful situation for her concerning him, and doesn't seem to finish it. I think that it is important to do that because it keeps the audience captured, and does not confuse the audience by making them wonder what the relevance of that part of the story was.

Introduction

Yes it did because it made me wonder what the story was about, where she lived, and why she had to drive from Spokane.

detail

I believe that each paragraph does contain spacific detail. The first paragraph details the trip home and how long it was and what the weather was like. The seccond, third and fourth paragraphs clearly show what her emotional state was when she realized that her purse was missing. The fifth paragraph describes the emotional tension that was being caused by her son that was just making a stressful situation even more stressful to her, and it describes the steps that she took to make the phone call to the store. The sixth thru the eleventh paragraph, although not descriptive with a ton of adjatives, is descriptive in telling the conversation with the store. It shows the conversation as she remembered it, and had enough detail so that the reader was not confused. The twelvth paragraph was very descriptive of how relieved that she was that her wallet was safe, while the thirteenth paragraph was descriptive of how unsettled she was that she could not know for sure if anything had been stolen or not. The forteenth and fifteenth paragraphs show description of the return of the purse as well as some description on the weather and the drive to Spokane. The last paragraph shows that she was excited about the purse not having any missing contents, although there was not a lot of descriptive words used if any because it was a statment.

transitions

I think that overall the transitions are good, but I think that they could be used more in the portions of the story that are quotes. I think that she goes from one person to another and does not always transition it as well as it could be.

off topic

I think that the thing that was most off the topic was her son, and him asking to watch a movie. I saw that she was trying to show that it was adding more stress for her, but as I mentioned earlier, I think that she should have elaborated on that to make it more a part of the story or not use it at all.

conclusion

I believe that it does give a geeling of closure. I think that knowing what the experience did for her and how she felt about the mysterious man that returned her purse was a great ending to the story, and the fact that told us what it had done for her gave the story a good feeling of closure.

change?

I think that I would add on to the stress that my son was creating by wanting to watch a movie, and I think that I might remove some of the quotations and replace them with my preception of the conversations, and the emotion behind the conversations.

comments

I think that overall this is a very good essay.

Contact_FullName:: Terri Honodel
Contact_Email:: t4potts@aol.com

theme

Keeping a positive, hopeful state of mind helped this woman through this crisis. She remained rational and was able to think through the process of recovery. The fact that she was able to not involve her son, or ignore him in the process is credible.

best

This essay flows with good transitions. The author draws her audience into the story with faniliar surroundings and events, and easily leads us through this dilemma with her.

more work

I would have elaborated longer towards the end on the realtionship with the mother, the conversation on the way to the store that morning and the recovery. The essay flows well in the beginning, but feels hurried towards the final paragraphs.

Introduction

The introduction engages the reader with colorful and familiar surroundings and routines. The fact that the story takes place in Spokane immediately catches this audiences interest.

detail

Third paragraph from the end, after she recovers her "sidearm" and inventories the contents, could have contained more detail about what was in the purse and her attachment to it. That would have added to the re-connection of this valuable part of her life.

transitions

This same essay was used when I took 101 and I remember finding many more things wrong with it and being very critical. This time it seems to be much better, and I thought it flowed well with transitions.

off topic

I don't see anything in this essay that would be considered off toic. The author does a good job of relating all aspects of this crisis to the reader.

conclusion

Very good conclusion. It goes beyond the recovery of the purse to the lesson learned from it.

change?

If this were my essay I might possibly expand on the conversation that had to take place on the drive back to the Safeway the next morning with my mother. I would also go into more detail when the purse is inventoried after its recovery.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Summer Skaife
Contact_Email:: Colola77@aol.com

theme

The golden rule!! Treat others as you'd have them treat you...or your property!

best

I felt the anguish of the person. There was good detail about her feelings.

more work

I would change the beginning. It need to grab me more.

Introduction

Not like it should for the story. It made me believe it was going else where.

detail

I think they all have a fair amount of detail in them. Some seem to have more due to the emotional effect.

transitions

Transitions seemed to be fairly smooth. i didn't notice anythign akward.

off topic

The being drove to the store by her mother.

conclusion

Yes, she got the purse back and aknowledges the good in people.

change?

I think i would make the ending more entertaining, to give a "sigh" of relief.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Christopher Attryde-Schmit
Contact_Email:: Monopoly469@aol.com

theme

The moral of this paper is that just when you think that there is nothing honest about the world someone shows kindness or honesty and makes you realize the world is not always such a dishonest place.

best

I personally thought the writer kept us in touch with her emotions which put the reader in the position to relate to her.

more work

The Buildup. The only problem i had with the story is that it climaxed in the middle of the paper then seemed to lose momentum to soon towards the end.

Introduction

I does because the writer from the beginning put you in the scene of the enduring drive and it seemed to flow well.

detail

Then only paragraph i felt didnt have specific details was the close it really didnt say why she had these emotions or what had happened to her in her life to feel that the world was so dishonest. That fact i feel was not really supported.

transitions

i dont know what a transition is .

off topic

Even though the driveway scene was discriptive. I think it was off of the topic and could have been cut out.

conclusion

The conclusion does give a feeling of disclosure. The writer made it very clear that she had been nerve wracked about this incident and with her getting her purse and everything being there it put closure. Then theres the renound faith that she found in the world that summarizes how she was feeling about the incident.

change?

I would have took out the driveway. And maybe even the little events like actually watching lion king and putting the boy to bed

comments

Contact_FullName:: Mandy Martinez
Contact_Email:: ammartinez1@yahoo.com

theme

The theme seems to be about faith in other people. Lynn focuses mainly on the money aspect. She probabaly does this because most people understand what money can do.

best

The best element in the essay is the reality involved. I can relate with her feelings because it is so realistic.

more work

Lynn likes to use the phrase "all the while" quite often. I think it is a great phrase but after hearing it over and over I lose interest.

Introduction

I struck an interest into the second and third paragraphs. Before then, I didn't see where the story was going.

detail

All paragraphs expose an excessive amount of creativity and detail.

transitions

Transitions were akward for me. After reading the thesis handout I realize that Lynn was using the second thesis method. Although it was still hard to identify where she was going with the story.

off topic

The only thing tht seems of topic to me is the way she throws the thesis in towards the end of the essay.

conclusion

I get a sense of closure knowing that her purse was retrieved safely, and also because she concluded the story with a strong thesis.

change?

If this were my essay I would rearrange the thesis statement's location in the essay.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Vitaliy Boyko
Contact_Email:: vsboyko@netzero.net

theme

We should never lost our faith in humankind.

best

Expression of the real situation. The author realisticly describe all her feelings and worries using lots of adjectives.

more work

In my opinion, everething is fine. I liked this story.

Introduction

Yes. From the firsts words, the author opens the picture of her situation.

detail

The last paragraph doesn't contain specific details. Here, there were used mostly abstrac words.

transitions

For the most part, transitions were used effectively. Only in a paragraph starting with words: "My mom drove me to Spokane...", I would suggest to incorporate a transition.

off topic

A fragment related to the wotching "King Lion".

conclusion

Yes. It is shown what lessons were taken from that incident.

change?

I would incorporate more transitions and exclude a subject about King Lion cartoon.

comments

I read this story with interest. Everething was described very vividly and realisticly.

Contact_FullName:: Allan Pennie
Contact_Email:: algin7777@aol.com

theme

The lady felt, that "mankind" still exists.

best

The return of the woman's purse. Why? Because of her sequence of events leading to the conclusion.

more work

The miss use of some words. Why? They need to be spell checked.

Introduction

Yes. Why? It set the scene for the incident.

detail

Yes.

transitions

I think it is all fine.

off topic

The subject of her son watching the LION KING seems to be a little off topic.

conclusion

Yes, because her dilema was over.

change?

I would change nothing.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Carol Watkins
Contact_Email:: mckwatkins@aol.com

theme

The theme of this essay is honesty. No matter how frustrated or worried we my feel,we can always hold on to the fact that there are honest people left in this world.

best

I loved how the writer uses lots of emotion.I could feel her frustration as I read her essay.

more work

I feel a better job could have been done on paragraph #3. It did not seem to flow very smoothly, and it lacked detail.

Introduction

I loved the introduction, it really set the surroundings for the whole essay.

detail

Paragraph #3 did not contain specific details. Also paragraph # 7 could have gone into more detail about what the mother thought.

transitions

For the most part, this essay flowed smoothly. A better job on paragraph #3 & #7 would have helped.

off topic

The information about the son, Michael wanting to watch the "Lion King" did'nt seem to fit.

conclusion

Yes, everything in her purse was intact and an important lesson was learned.

change?

Expand abit in paragraph #1 maybe explain more about the drive, and how far was. Rewrite paragraph #3.

comments

Wouldn't it have been interesting if the truck that was approaching her in paragraph #2 had been Dave, the man from Safeway, stopping to ask directions to her house.

Contact_FullName:: Debra Strehlou
Contact_Email:: dstrehlou@hotmail.com

theme

The moral of the story is there are honest people in our society.

best

I liked how the author explained the daily situation that led to loosing the purse and how she called to make sure someone had found it. It helped me to get of real picture of what was happening.

more work

I enjoyed the story and do not feel that it needs more work.

Introduction

Yes, It made me want to know what caused her to feel the way she did.

detail

yes

transitions

yes In the part where she is talking on the phone to the Safeway store personel.

off topic

Not realy

conclusion

Yes, She was happy to find that all the contents of the purse where there and renewed her faith that there are honest people about.

change?

I really don't think I would change anything. I felt that it was very explanatory.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Kristina Russell
Contact_Email:: kriss1017@chickmail.com

theme

The theme of this narrative is that there are still some honest and reliable people in existence.

best

The best part of the essay is the way she clearly describes the panic and unease that she was feeling. I felt this was the best part because it had me drawn to the situation and the story.

more work

Although I felt the essay was very easy to read I felt that the dialogue that was included in reference to the safeway store was a little choppy and un-needed in the narrative.

Introduction

The introduction to the story does engage my interest because it mentions the way she was feeling, where she was at, and the icy road. The icy road and her relaxed feeling make the reader wonder what will happen next.

detail

I felt that they all contained specific detail. I feel that if she added much more to any of the paragraphs she would lose her readers' attention.

transitions

Transitions were used nicely to keep the story flowing. The only place that could have used a more clear transition is where she and her son went to bed and then the next paragraph states that her mom drove her to the store.

off topic

The part where the safeway clerk is telling her about needing a code to call long distance seems to be off topic.

conclusion

I felt the conlusion nicely ties up the story and that it gives a purpose to the essay because is summarized what happened and what she learned from it.

change?

I would change the dialogue between the safeway clerk and herself, it is choppy right now.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Rsalie Herbert
Contact_Email:: rosalieherbert@netzero.net

theme

This essay is about bring honest, and restoring ones faith by having something lost return to you by an honest by-stander.

best

The best thing about this story was the fact that Lynn Hoen, author of the short story," A Tribute To Hosnesty ", had express some very deep feelings on how she felt when realizing that she had forgotton her purse at the SafeWay food store. As Lynn was driving home she made it clear that she had been upset for losing her purse. I could relate to her story of how anyone could foreget something that was a value to us.

more work

I felt that Lynn could of done better with her introduction. The introduction that she gave had no real meaning to the rest of her story. Her story was about how a stranger could be honest in returning something that was important to the preson that had lost it. How faith can be restored by that action alone.

Introduction

No it didn't. I had to read further into the story to actually find out what was happening to Lynn. I thought that it should have been redone, may-be describing when she was at the store and how she simply got side tract which could have made her to get abouit her purse.

detail

Actually, Lynn did a great job in giving details. I can't really find anything that didn't have details in it. May-be the part where she was talking over the phone to Dave at the store.

transitions

Perpahs the third paragraph could have used a bit more with the transition, and the same thing with paragraph four-teen where she sits down to watch the movie with her son. To me she just jumps in to the next day without warning. Its kind of like how I write, forgetting to put the small transaction words in my stories.

off topic

The introduction and the first line in the second paragraph. She could have let them out, since they really didn't have anything to do with the rest of her story.

conclusion

Now this part was good because Lynn talks about how her faith was renewed by having a honest person returning her purse. Which was a good lesson for any one of us to learn. That not all people are dishonest, there are a few honest people out there in the world today that lines a helping hand.

change?

I would change the introduction by taking the readers to the SafeWay food store and how I had my son with me at that certain time and place of the mishap. Then writing about how my mind wasn't totally with me and that something could have distracted my consriation on what I was doing. Which happens to all of us at one time or another.We sometimes are busy with our inter thoughts and we attend to forget what we are doing. Like the old saying," My mind is some where else".

comments

I did like reading this story after reading it four times. I think that Lynn had done a great job with her story telling.

Contact_FullName:: Rsalie Herbert
Contact_Email:: rosalieherbert@netzero.net

theme

This essay is about bring honest, and restoring ones faith by having something lost return to you by an honest by-stander.

best

more work

Introduction

detail

Actually, Lynn did a great job in giving details. I can't really find anything that didn't have details in it. May-be the part where she was talking over the phone to Dave at the store.

transitions

off topic

The introduction and the first line in the second paragraph. She could have let them out, since they really didn't have anything to do with the rest of her story.

conclusion

change?

comments

I did like reading this story after reading it four times. I think that Lynn had done a great job with her story telling.

Contact_FullName:: Kimberlee David
Contact_Email:: berleeanne@hotmail.com

theme

To keep faith in our fellow man,there are still honest people out there

best

I feel that the descriptive words and phrases really helped the story, it put the reader right in the moment and helped to feel what the author was feeling.

more work

The mechanics of the piece need work. There is a lot of sentence fragments and coma splices, run on sentences and there is really no clear direction or transition in the first few paragraphs.

Introduction

The intro didn't grab my attention because it didn't give me any direction to follow in the paper.

detail

Most paragraphs include a specific detail, the third paragraph is some what shady, however.

transitions

Transition needs to be worked on, especially in the intro, the second paragraph to the third and the fourth to the fifth.

off topic

The information about coyote trail,and her son asking to watch lion king, also the bit about having your house burglarized

conclusion

No it doesn't give closure, why else is she indebted to the man that returned her purse?

change?

The intro and mechanics. I would also go through the paper and weed out every thing that didn't directly support the point I was trying to make.

comments

Great detail and good point that was trying to be proven

Contact_FullName:: Rich Llewellyn
Contact_Email:: llewell@gocougs.wsu.edu

theme

There are a couple of themes included in this story. The first is that there are still honest people in the world, but you can figure that out from the title. The second theme is that worrying about things over which you have no control, is not beneficial, and may in fact be detrimental to your well being.

best

The part of the essay that I liked best was the use of the truck to illuminate the trunk of Lynn's car. This visual detail forces one to imagine what that would be like and helps to draw the reader into the story.

more work

There are some details that need to be cleaned up. For example, "Dave" from Safeway said that they could not access there long distance lines. With today's emphasis on customer service, Safeway would have found a way to contact Lynn. Another example of a minor detail that brings the story down a bit is where Michael first awakens and asks to watch the "Lion King". Two paragraphs later, he "starts" to ask to watch the "Lion King". The suthor should have found a different way to phrase it the second time. These examples are just minor details, but they are noticeable and do detract form the work.

Introduction

While it wasn't flashy, it piqued my interest enough to want to see what came next (or would have if I didn't HAVE to read the whole thing).

detail

The only paragraphs that do not contain specific detail are those that contain dialogue. I do not see this as a problem.

transitions

Transitions, such as "I felt relieved", are used in a few places, and do help to keep the story moving. In this story, I like that the author has minimized the use of transitions, It helps make it more believeable. I think that adding transitions would detract from the story.

off topic

There is minimal information that seems to be off topic. An example is when Lynn talks about what she did with the rest of her evening. The author did, for the most part, stay focused. I did not have a problem with the extraneous details.

conclusion

The ending really doesn't do much for me. It seems a little hokie, when compared to the rest of the story. I don't feel that the last paragraph is necessary, and that the story (and ending) would work just fine without it.

change?

Like I have mentioned before, I would drop the last paragraph. I would also police the essay to make sure that all of the details matched and made sense.

comments

No.

Contact_FullName:: Beth Burkland
Contact_Email:: BethBurkland@AOL.com

theme

The lady that had misplaced her purse found a new appreciation for the human race. She found that there are still honest people in the world.

best

I think that the best part of the essay was when she got her purse back and all of the belongings were still intact.

more work

Spelling and punctuation need work because there were some errors.

Introduction

Somewhat, because when I read "Spokane" I felt like I could familiarize myself with the story or person in the story.

detail

Most of the paragraphs contain specific detail except for the dialog paragraphs.

transitions

Yes, transitions are used in the essay. It flows nicely from paragraph to paragraph.

off topic

The information in this short story is all closely related to the topic of loosing her purse and how it made her feel.

conclusion

Yes, because she found her purse and everything was still intact.

change?

I would read more closely and fix any errors in the essay.

comments

Great story.

Contact_FullName:: Jay Willms
Contact_Email:: yeti927@hotmail.com

theme

The theme of this narrative is the effects of stress caused by loss of personal material.

best

It is clear, the reader can easily follow and understand the situation being presented

more work

The phone conversation portion could have been more concise without loss of information

Introduction

Yes, her tone of fear does a good job of keeping the reader focused and anticipating the resolution.

detail

Each paragraph contains sufficient detail to its particular topic. New paragraphs mark change of the topic which the author decides to embellish upon.

transitions

Since this is a narrative, the flow is smooth even whith the lack of transition words or phrases, of which I saw none.

off topic

Only the chit chat whith the ladies at the customer service desk.

conclusion

Yes, the reader can tell that her worries are over and she is apprecative of the kindness of everyone who helped her.

change?

Personally, I don't write essays like this one. I probably would not have used so much narration, though I realize that the material is best presented in this fashion.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Laura McCabe
Contact_Email:: janedoe@speakeasy.net

theme

an unexpected reminder of the goodness of humanity

best

the details; the boy asleep in the backseat, the Disney movies, the icy road, the mental inventory ofthe purse's contents. Also, the emotion, namely the panic, came through in the description of the action.

more work

The way the dialogue is formatted is a little confusing, and pulled me out of the story,especially at the start of the conversation with "Dave".

Introduction

Yes, I like the feel of the beginning.. The driving, the anticipation of getting home.

detail

Yes. All the paragraphs have nice details. The only paragraph that could be cut is the "thank you thank you" paragraph; (if the author wanted to shorten the piece for some reason). The information about the pick up could be tacked onto the following paragraph: 'After making arrangements to pick up the purse the next morning, I..." Caught my eye because both paragraphs start with variations of "I was relieved".

transitions

Perhaps the last paragraph could repeat the "lucky" from the mother's comment. "Indeed, I was lucky. However..."

off topic

The Lion King Video doesn't really add anything, and it repeated a few times. I like the inclusion of the son (and the mother), but maybe it could be the boy's reaction to the missing purse, or "Mommy's" reaction to the lost purse. That way, the boy is included, but the story stays focused.

conclusion

I liked the ending.

change?

Perhaps tie the beginning thematically into the end. Maybe the driver had a terrible day, or her boss yelled at her, or the delievery man lost her package, or something... Just a little something, maybe not even too specific. That way, she can arc from being disappointed and frustrated with people to having her faith in humankind reaffirmed.

comments

I enjoyed the story, and the emotions that came through, very much.

Contact_FullName:: Ty Lingo
Contact_Email:: tlingo@qwest.net

theme

The renewed faith in humankind.

best

I think the topic is the best part about the essay. This is a situation we can all relate to. If you can't, you most certainly will sometime. Because we can relate to her dilema, you get swept into all her emotions and feel apart of the story.

more work

I felt it was more of a story than an essay. I didn't feel a main point was established early on. Also some of the sentence structure didn't seem proper. I had to re-read several lines.

Introduction

It has the feeling of an opening of a novel perhaps. As far as an essay paper I'm not sure what I'm going to be reading about. So there isn't a clear hook.

detail

Yes. The detail was the best part of the paper. You can see what she sees, feel what she feels and hear what she hears.

transitions

I didn't quite get the transition from paragraph 1 to 2. I would have left out paragraph 2 completely. The rest I felt was ok.

off topic

Possibly the parts about the child wanting to watch the "Lion King" video.

conclusion

Yes. It's a classic happy ending. Some good samaritan saved the day. The possibility of the contents missing are shown not to be. She is happy and so is the reader.

change?

I would have put the main idea at the beginning,(This incident has renewed my faith in humankind). The supported that point with the rest of the story.

comments

The reader agonizes with the main characters predicament. So we feel apart of the story because we can relate.

Contact_FullName:: ANNE ELLI
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: ANNE ELLIS
Contact_Email:: anne

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: ANNE ELLIS
Contact_Email:: anne

theme

As bad as the world may seem, there are still good people out there, you just have to sift through all of the bad.

best

What the author was writing about was carried throughout the story.

more work

The authors thesis is not carried out through the story. There is no mention of society and honesty until the end. It is a good story, but I think it would add to the story if she mentioned a few comments on this topic.

Introduction

For me, the comment about the icy snowpacked road caught my immediate attention for I love the winter ao I was hooked.

detail

The first paragraph doesn't mention the purse. The rest however do mention the purse and I felt it was carried out through the story well.

transitions

The story flows pretty smoothly, the punctuation is a little strange, the one spot I easily noticed was where she repeated how she felt 'releived' at the beginning of two paragraphs, one right after the other. And now that I think about it, the transition from the last comment from her mother to the closing paragraph, there was none.

off topic

The info about where her son was prior to the drive home is irrelevant.

conclusion

It is strange. It seems as though she chopped the end of a story because she ran out of time and threw the thesis in.

change?

If I were to rewrite this, I would add to the stress and creat anxiety by emphasising on her sons nagging about watching movies. We all know what it is like when we are trying to do something and someone keeps interrupting or trying to get our attention when we are highly stressed. The next thing I would do is add some description to how the car is reponding to the slick/icey driveway, express the added anxiety it is creating, maybe describe how the snow may be flying as the wheels spin or the impact of the car against the snow bank. I could do alot with this story!

comments

The one thing that still has my curiosity is, where did she stop her car? It seems as though she stopped in the middle of the road. Then she mentioned the lights of a truck lit her trunk so she could see, this could only happen if the on-coming vehicle was approaching from behind, did it swerve to miss her? Was she on the side of the road? Where exactly was she?

Contact_FullName:: Pam Simon
Contact_Email:: pam_simon@agilent.com

theme

Theme: Story of a woman who lost her purse.

best

Timeline of events. SHe did not jump around too much.

more work

SHe was very wordy. Almost as if she is trying to fill a word count quota.

Introduction

Mildly engaging. She uses a relaxing style to her intro.

detail

Many paragraphs are too short to contain much detail.

transitions

This story has so many events, transitions could only add more confusion to the organization.

off topic

The Lion King movie part is sort of off topic.

conclusion

No. She did not loop the story well with the beginning tying into the ending by rephrasing the thesis statement.

change?

I would consider this a draft and try to shorten it, add humor to it. The event can be funny, but she uses it as a rather boring story of an event.

comments

I was not too impressed with the writing style used here.

Contact_FullName:: Humaid Al Shamisi
Contact_Email:: humaid@gotmail.com

theme

The moral of this narrative is that honesty will prevail even when all seems lost.

best

The best thing about this essay is the usage of desciptive details. It made me feel all the emotions the woman felt when she was going through her ideal.

more work

I didn't like how she exemplified such concern about her son at the beginning and later there was little if none at all.

Introduction

The introduction engaged my interest because it was about Spokane.

detail

Every paragraph contains specific detail, none are lacking.

transitions

Transitions are used to help the ideas flow easier. More transitions need to be used when her son was brought into the story and abruptly forgotten about.

off topic

"...and all your belongings were safe..." I misunderstood this statement because how was he aware of what belongings she posessed, which ones were safe, and which ones were missing. She kept wondering if something was taken although the man specifically stated they were fine.

conclusion

It's a yes and no because her purse was found. Although it was not informative enough about the status of her son and the aspect of her belongings.

change?

If this were my essay I would have prolonged the climax of the story therefore the resolution would have been more satisfying to the reader.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Erika Steggell
Contact_Email:: erikasteggell@hotmail.com

theme

I think the moral of this story is that not all people are bad, and that we should definatly pay close attention to important things like this. As for the theme, I would have to say that, it involves someones daily life. Hectic and mind boggleing.

best

I think that the descritive expression was great.It made you realize the anixity the person was feeling. As well as the detail. In the conversation as well as the drive home. It showed a very detail orineted objective.

more work

I would have to say that the focus on the 'Lion King' was a bit to much. It held little relevance to the theme.

Introduction

No, the introduction was alittle vague. We were thrown in the middle of an event. If it had been a smother begining, then perhaps.

detail

I found that some of the paragraphs held very detailed description. Where as some others were a little more interupted.

transitions

Yes, there are some here.I think in the begining there should be more transitions.

off topic

Michael, to me this was alittle off topic. The movie the 'Lion King ' was of little relevance.

conclusion

I think it does give a bit of closure, yet I would have liked to have known why the woman at Safeway said what she said.

change?

I would have left out the movie watching.

comments

Over all I think the essay was pretty good.

Contact_FullName:: Stephenie Waggoner
Contact_Email:: TacTacs@aol.com

theme

The theme of this narrative is that even though this woman was questioning her faith in the honesty of mankind she discovered that some people were honest and trustworthy.

best

The best part was the emotion that was put into the essay. The emotion that came through the essay was clear and common to most people ans was also well worded.

more work

What needed work was probably the clarity of the whole piece of work. At some points the writing is frantic and not well understood.

Introduction

Yes, because it is descriptive and catchy to the mind. The way it is worded and phrased makes you wonder what will hapen next.

detail

Almost all of the paragraphs do contain specific details. The ones that do not are the ones that contain a lot of dialog in them.

transitions

In this essay transitions are used very well to help the ideas keep the same flow. I don't think that anymore transitions need to be used because this essay flows quite nicely from one idea to the next.

off topic

Yes, the one thing that seems to be off topic is her son's continous plea to watch a certain movie.

conclusion

Yes the conclusion does give you a feeling of closure to the narrative. It does because you know her new feelings on mankind's honesty and also because she got her purse back with everything in it that belonged in the purse.

change?

I would probably work on getting the flow of the whole essay overall to be more smooth and easy.

comments

I think that this is a very fine essay and I'm glad that her faith in humanity was restored.

Contact_FullName:: Tanya Gruell
Contact_Email:: tanyagruell@home.com

theme

The author shows how a single incident renews her lost faith in our society.

best

I thought the closing paragraph was the best part of this essay. It wraps up and explains the entire essay.

more work

I believe the opening paragraph needs more work. There was no explaination of what the author was going to prove with this essay.

Introduction

The opening paragraph did not capture my interest. She spoke about how she had just gotten home from a long ride along icy roads. She and her son were save and secure. This paragraph gave me more of a feeling of closure rather than intrigue.

detail

I thought each paragraph contained specific details.

transitions

Overall, the transitions between paragraphs were easy to understand.

off topic

There were a few parts of this essay that seemed unnecessary to me. For example, the conversation between "Dave" the clerk. The author could have shorten this and explained her relieved feelings. The author could have added an extra couple of sentences to the next paragraph to transition between her feeling of dread to her relief. Also, the narrator did not have to include anything about the conversation of the store clerk who physically gave the pursue back to her. This part could have been excluded altogether.

conclusion

The closing paragraph starts by giving a sense of closure. However, the author ends with the sentence: "I can't help but wonder who the gentleman was who returned my purse." This leave a open-ending to the essay. This could have read: "As for the gentleman who returned my purse, I will be indebted to him for more than just the recovery of my purse."

change?

I would remove the conversation of "Dave" the store clerk. Instead, I would have added a paragraph explaining an intensifying anxiety and then show the relief of the author when the store did have the pursue. I would also remove the part of the essay when the author speaks to the other store clerk while getting her pursue. And lastly, I would re-word the sentence in the closing paragraph, as shown in the last question.

comments

Contact_FullName:: mroberts
Contact_Email:: merrirfav@icehouse.net

theme

Always, thoroughly inspect the shopping cart for purchased products before you leave the grocery parking lot.

best

The discript detail of the experience. I could relate and sympathize with the writter.

more work

This is a blind smiling face, because I can't see what needs more work.

Introduction

Yes, For the most part. Mostly, because it was discript.

detail

I thought so. Again,I would have to give a o)

transitions

Yes, but switch these two sentences around to help flow. I unbuckled Michael from his car seat all the while thinking, "I have to call the Safeway and see if someone found my purse." A transition could be used before the sentence . . . The relief I felt. There could have been a transition like . . . after we hung up.and in the sentence My mom drove me to. There could have been a transition. The next morning my mom drove me to.

off topic

Maybe in the expressed feelings, but I liked that. It helped me related to the experience.

conclusion

Yes, the mishap was resolved, and faith in humankind restored. I just love happy endings.

change?

I don't know. I always do a double check on my shopping carts.

comments

I liked the essay. It had a great moral, and maybe it will give someone incentive to return a purse or wallet, honestly.

Contact_FullName:: Shawn Rasmussen
Contact_Email:: Molinext@aol.com

theme

That there are honest people in the world.

best

The Emotional outpouring of the author leaps from the page...screen. It devolops a sense of empathy in the reader, by making you feel the same way.

more work

The dialog seems strained.

Introduction

No, the introduction had little to nothing to do with the rest of the story.

detail

Most do, but some are so bound up in dialog the meaing doesn't come through.

transitions

In some areas, but more could be used between the dialog and the text.

off topic

The parts about the lion king, only causse to stress the reader in the same ways as the author.

conclusion

Yes, it gives a feeling of relief that the author got that piece of her life back.

change?

I would completly change the introduction to something about the feeling of loss or of being almost senseless without something.

comments

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:

theme

fdg

best

more work

Introduction

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detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

sdfsdf

change?

comments

sadfsdf

Contact_FullName:: Lynda D. Douglas
Contact_Email:: lyndad21@cs.com

theme

The theme is there are good people in this world. Be kind to others and they will be kind to you.

best

What is best is how they relay her thoughts. They are very vivid and real. I too would feel the same way if I had lost my purse. Being a victim is not a comfortable feeling.

more work

To be honest I don't know. Possibly have her mother show a little more emotion to her daughter.

Introduction

Yes, made me think that this story was going to lead into some type of climax

detail

No, the third paragraph and third to last paragraph.

transitions

comments

afd

Contact_FullName:: David A. Wheeler
Contact_Email:: dwheeler@scc.spokane.edu

theme

Despite the readily available public programs designed to ease the physiological burdens of being homeless, the situation is fast becoming even more far reaching. Once a fixture predominantly in larger cities, the homeless are finding their way to lesser towns, town oft ill-prepared to handle the situation when compared to a metropolitan area. Being homeless entails more than just not having a home (lack of self-esteem, distress, uncertainty, etc...) and perhaps we as more fortunate individuals, can place aside our daily 'trivialities' and do our part to ease the burden of those who find themselves in this unenviable predicament. The tables may be turned one day indeed!!!!!

best

The honesty with which the author confronts her personal dilema concerning her past dealings with the homeless and the struggle that ensues within to arrive at the eventual conclusion. It is one that each of faces every time we pass a homeless person in the streets. It brings to the forefront, a conflict that I would daresay each of us has dealt with on more than one occasion. Very provocative mental inducement. BRAVO.

more work

hmmm... hard to say. The author seems to have two trains of thought ongoing throughout the essay: what and why. The what being the decision with which she was faced and the why relating more to the cause of this predicament. In the introductory paragraph, the what to do is in the forefront while the why is not brought to bear until the third paragraph. Perhaps a blend of the two in the introductory paragraph would more gently ease the reader into the statistics and 'government' of being homeless while enhancing the human touch described with such eloquent prose.

Introduction

OMG... YES!! I had to get a cup of coffee before continuing. I could totally sense the emotions. At times, it was sorrow and disbelief and at others it was almost anger.

detail

I only thought that paragraph 5 could have been an excellent ending to paragraph 4. Otherwise they all contain specifics relative to the topic illlustrated by the author.

transitions

As mentioned earlier... in the intro paragraph. A more subtle transition from 'human' to 'statistics and policy.'

off topic

No. Author does a nice job of having each stream of thought compliment the other.

conclusion

Yes and no. It gives a sense of closure in identifying the problem, yet not in the solution. She aludes to perhaps a changing of policies in regards to distribution of funds for the homeless in previous paragraphs, but leaves the reader wanting more in the way of her opinion for the solution. Now, if the author is suggesting that we as individuals, not count on government support to ease the burden and take on the task ourselves... then she has done a wonderful job of bringing closure to both streams of thought with three well-written sentences.

change?

I would probably have to chose between either the moral dilema or the cause of the problem. Since this subject matter obviously strikes a chord with the author, I would suggest the human aspect as it was the hook that drew me in.

comments

Excellent job Annette!! Over the past 6 quarters, I have read many papers and it never fails me that I enjoy reading and seeing other's points of view... some alike while others contrary. If this is any indication of the kinds of papers we will be getting in this class, I will not have the time to read all of them.... :) Thank you!!

Contact_FullName:: Tashina Honshell
Contact_Email:: tashinahonshell@hotmail.com

theme

The theme of this essay is that families stricken by poverty dont always live on the streets, or in a crowded city.

best

This essay teaches that about how we think that we have very little but when we see people who live in situations as these characters did we realize that we have a lot. I feel this way because that is what i think about when I see families in despair like that.

more work

I honestly dont think it needs anymore work because the point was made, nothing should be taken out or added.

Introduction

I became interested with the introduction because of the choice of action words which lead to drama in my opinion.

detail

I think enough detail was given in most paragraghs, what more do I need to know about the incident?

transitions

Having had little experience with transitions I do think it is a possibility that more could be used. I suppose they could be used in place of an abundance of other words that were used.

off topic

Perhaps mentioning HUD housing or other homeless people was a sign that the writer was going off onto anohter tangent.

conclusion

The conclusion could have included some ideas for a solution to the problem with the rural homeless.

change?

Paragraph size, transitions, conclusion would just be a few factors I might change.

comments

After thinking about this story I began to realize that it could use some revision, I guess that is what this class is for!

Contact_FullName:: Chandra Zieris
Contact_Email:: Chanz76er@cs.com

theme

Rural homeless families are less fortunate in having adequete support,assistance, and resources in comparison to Urban homeless families.

best

The way educating information and personal experience is balanced in the essay.

more work

The conclusion needs more work. It needs to have a more in depth and stronger statement in the closing paragraph.

Introduction

The introduction does not engage my interest. It was not very striking or too personal.

detail

Each paragraph does not contain specific detail. Paragraphs #: 3, 4, & 6

transitions

yes

off topic

The first part of the first paragraph.

conclusion

Not really. I feel like it could state some plan of action. resources or information to help, or further personal knowledge on this subject.

change?

The first paragraph The conclusion and the couple short pargraphs that are purely statistical

comments

I found that the author could of became more personally involved in the subject,and should of reflected more emotion.

Contact_FullName:: Kari Chapman
Contact_Email:: kariq@prodigy.net

theme

I believe the theme is, "How can we help the rural homeless when they do not have the same resources available that the urban homeless have?"

best

The best part of the essay was how the author reasoned with his/herself using facts, in order to determine wether or not to help the family. I enjoyed the essay's ability to link a story format with a research paper format. It kept you reading to the final decision.

more work

Some of the sentences were stretched to the point of becoming run-ons. I also thought that some of the adjectives used were unecessary, and complicated the thought that was being presented.

Introduction

The introduction was very intriguing. The foundation was laid for the facts that followed and kept you in suspence long enough to finish reading the paper.

detail

Most of the paragraphs were crammed full of detail. The only one that was not, was the last paraghraph, which is the authors personal summary.

transitions

There may have been too many transitions available. If your not paying attention early in the essay, it is hard to determine what city the story takes place. The transition from story to fact could have been smoother; maybe describing that the authors natural thought process regressed to facts on the homeless in order to make the decision to help.

off topic

All paragraphs were contributing ideas and facts that the author reviewed before making a decision. I didn't think there was anything too off topic to be mentioned.

conclusion

I felt the conclusion was adequate. The author made a "happy ending" decision and gave the family some help. However, your still left with the feeling that this family is just one of many that are in need of help, so closure is never really attainable.

change?

I would change the way the essay was written, but not the information given. Sentences would be shorter and easier to understand, and I would try to target a wider audience with an easier flowing style.

comments

The essay left you feeling as though you should try to help also, and if that is what the author intended, then it was a success.

Contact_FullName:: Chau Tran
Contact_Email:: qtranc@yahoo.com

theme

Homeless in rural areas are like a silent disease that hinder the normal funtion of society. These people are overlooked by the government and people in society.

best

The author, Ms. Shaw, gave statistic like from The National Coalition for the Homeless and an article written by Joel Blau which enhanced the point of view of people deliberately choosing to ignore or reduce the number of homeless peopel in rural areas.

more work

The fifth paragraph need to be rephrase because i had to read a couple times before comprehending everything.

Introduction

The introduction needs to be a little more interesting and grab the readers' attention. It was plain and tedious.

detail

Some of the paragraph could be combine into a long one because both of them have the same idea. For instance paragraph number 2 and 3 could be elongate for a clear and concise paragraph.

transitions

The first couple paragraphs sound like of choppy but the second to last paragraph tied the whole idea together. The fifth paragraph needs to connect to the above paragraph more effectively.

off topic

When she left the store, Ms. Shaw does not need to inform the reader what she bought for the homeless or herself; it distract the reader from the real issue.

conclusion

The conclusion needs to be a little bit longer, and should tie important ideas together like a list so that the reader know the article is finish.

change?

I would change the introduction to a captivating and grabs the reader's attention; I would rephrase some paragraph like the first one because it's too long for an introduction and doesn't get to the point.

comments

Some paragraphs are not consider a paragraph because it's too short and does not expand the topic sentence therefore lacking support for the argument.

Contact_FullName:: Chau Tran
Contact_Email:: qtranc@yahoo.com

theme

Homeless in rural areas are like a silent disease that hinder the normal funtion of society. These people are overlooked by the government and people in society.

best

more work

The fifth paragraph need to be rephrase because i had to read a couple times before comprehending everything.

Introduction

The introduction needs to be a little more interesting and grab the readers' attention. It was plain and tedious.

detail

Some of the paragraph could be combine into a long one because both of them have the same idea. For instance paragraph number 2 and 3 could be elongate for a clear and concise paragraph.

transitions

The first couple paragraphs sound like of choppy but the second to last paragraph tied the whole idea together. The fifth paragraph needs to connect to the above paragraph more effectively.

off topic

When she left the store, Ms. Shaw does not need to inform the reader what she bought for the homeless or herself; it distract the reader from the real issue.

conclusion

The conclusion needs to be a little bit longer, and should tie important ideas together like a list so that the reader know the article is finish.

change?

I would change the introduction to a captivating one and grabs the reader's attention; I would rephrase some paragraph like the first one because it's too long for an introduction and doesn't get to the point.

comments

Some paragraphs are not consider a paragraph because it's too short and does not expand the topic sentence therefore lacking support for the argument.

Contact_FullName:: Franki Bren
Contact_Email:: lynettes_@hotmail.com

theme

The moral of the essay is to be kind to homeless people, which live in both rural and urban communities because you could end up in their shoes.

best

I think that the best part of this essay is that there is a story line, that catches the audiences attention but there are also facts to support her point.

more work

I didn't know what the thesis or reason of the essay until the second half of the essay. I think that it should have been stated more earlier.

Introduction

The beginning definitely caught my attention because I wanted to know what was so important about that Saturday morning and what it had to do with homeless in rural areas.

detail

All of the paragraphs contain relatively specific details, the last paragraph seems to have the least amount of detail. It contains very vage statements, could have put a solution or a way that people could try to help solve the problem.

transitions

The essay flowed pretty smoothly. If I would add a transition to this essay it would be between the fifth and the sixth paragraphs. It's tough to go from facts back to a story, but the author did an excellent job transitioning at the beginning of the essay from the story to facts.

off topic

I don't see anything that didn't fit in the essay. All of it dealt with homelessness, although at first I didn't think that the reference to Seattle was important, but then she tied in the experience with the homeless man.

conclusion

I think that the author ended the story well. Over-all the essay left me wondering what I could do to help solve the problem of homeless people in America.

change?

In the first two paragraphs, the author uses words like 'aeons', 'lamented' and 'transient' and then uses more commonly words. I don't know if I was the only one that had to look these words up, but it made it harder to get the author's point. I felt that she was trying to impress the readers and I found the second part much easier to follow because it flowed easier.

comments

I noticed that the last sentence has a spelling error, it says "...one of theme on any...", I believe that it's supose to be 'them'. Overall I liked the essay.

Contact_FullName:: Jon Townsend
Contact_Email:: amon20@icqmail.com

theme

The moral of this essay is that homelessness is a problem in all areas; weather is being in a rural community, or a large city. There is a great pressing need for additional assistance especially in the rural communities.

best

The author gave good detail, and described people and situations well. The issue was discussed is a positive way, and attempted to provide hope for the future.

more work

I did notice a few misspelled words, donuts or doughnuts? By aeons did he mean eons? The main topic was addressed in the introduction, but as a little vague. The conclusion seemed to be a bit short, could have used a little more substance.

Introduction

The introduction engaged my interest. I thought the author gave good detail and described events well. The main topic is addressed, but is a bit confusing early on ... is it about his trip to the store, or about the homeless?

detail

The second paragraph contains detail, but I am not sure how exactly it pertains to the topic. The third fifth and final paragraph seem a bit short, and could use some more detail added.

transitions

The paragraphs seem to jump from one to the next. For example in the first paragraph the author ends talking about feeding his family, and the homeless there, then jumps to Seattle. Between the fifth and sixth paragraph the author jumps back from giving facts right into the story, could have used a better transition there.

off topic

I am not sure what his grocery list had to do with the topic, but the author decided to list off about every item he purchased from the store. I am not sure how his long commute to work in Seattle and the odorous aroma of century old buildings had to do with the topic either.

conclusion

The conclusion didn't really give me a feeling of closure. It gave a call out for help, and maybe a chance for help in the future but didn't really address ways of making this problem any better.

change?

I would have run it threw the spell checker one more time first off. I think I would have tried to be a little more specific about my topic in the opening paragraph, and maybe added a little more substance in the conclusion.

comments

All in all I thought it was well worded and done. It is defiantly an important topic that needs to be addressed.

Contact_FullName:: Debbie Strehlou
Contact_Email:: dstrehlou@hotmail.com

transitions

i really liked the transitions i thought that they all worked well.

off topic

maybe the detail about the giving of the groceries and the fathers eyes ..

conclusion

yes it does give some closure but not enought. It doesnt really reiterate the point of homelessness and what the issue is it just kind of generally states that there is homelessness. It's not very strong i would say.

change?

I would maybe change the concluding paragraph.

comments

good essay topic

Contact_FullName:: cristy greear
Contact_Email:: geting one soon

theme

There are many homeless people in rural areas and we all need to do our part

best

The personal facts about the family; they hit home.

more work

The facts; they are kind of dragging on.

Introduction

yes, because we've all seen it before.

detail

Yes

transitions

Yes; At the end of every paragraph starting into another one.

off topic

conclusion

Yes, beacuse it says what we need to do to help

change?

I would make the personal facts more interesting.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Dave Tefft
Contact_Email:: c_dtefft@netzero.net

theme

The moral of this story is that there are many poor or homeless even in rural areas, and that those people in small towns are especially in need of help from individuals.

best

The best part of this essay is the very effective use of a personal story. The illustration of the family in the parking lot adds a great deal of support to the moral that we need to help the less fortunate.

more work

The quotes lend a great deal of support to the thesis, but I think that they need to be refined a little to better fit in to the flow of the essay.

Introduction

The introduction does a great job of engaging interest, mostly because the word choices are very visual. It is extremely easy to picture the scene.

detail

The paragraph that contains the quotes, as well as the paragraph that follows, needs to be worked into the overall flow of the paper. It provides a great deal of support, but it feels like it intrudes into the story of the family in the parking lot.

transitions

Again, the paragraph that contains the quotes needs to be set up better in the preceding paragraph, and then tied to the rest of the story in the following paragraph.

off topic

The information about the difficulty of counting rural homeless doesn't directly contribute to the story, and could have been combined with the preceding paragraph.

conclusion

The conclusion leaves a little to be desired. It does contain a restatement of the main idea of the paper, but provides very little closure or resolution.

change?

First, I would smooth out the transition surrounding the quotes, so they lend better support to the story, then, I would embellish the conclusion so that it brought more of a feeling of closure.

comments

An excellent paper, with a very touching story that lends a great deal of support to the main idea. There were a few grammatical errors, as well as a few "word choice" issues, but over all a well written paper.

Contact_FullName:: Rachel Garnett
Contact_Email:: Rgarnett80@aol.com

theme

The theme of the story is about the homeless and how society disregards them and doesn't do much in order to better their situation.

best

The best part of the essay was how the author explained her feelings about the people who were living in their car. The description gave the reader the sense of what she was thinking.

more work

The conclusion. I think it's too short and could include a few more ideas of what to do about the problem as the author sees it.

Introduction

Yes, the picture in which the author painted in the beginning intrigued me because it was something that I have often come across as well.

detail

Yes each paragraph does detail specific subjects.

transitions

I think the author does a good job in transitions, but she did throw me off when she went from paragraph 5 to paragraph 6. The transition between the counting of homeless to her going inside the store threw me off.

off topic

The sentence in the second paragraph I think is irrelevant. The author made me believe that she had encountered this family in Seattle and then later find out that it was in Liberty Lake.

conclusion

Not really. The author simply states what she has written in the essay.

change?

I would change the conclusion. Instead of stating what is obvious to the reader, I would offer a few suggestions on what society could do to help.

comments

There also seemed to be a few spelling errors, that the author overlooked.

Contact_FullName:: Matthew Altmeyer
Contact_Email:: mdalt20@aol.com

theme

That tere are many homeless people who go unacounted for and don'thave a place in society.

best

The particular attention and discription of the homeless people.

more work

The conclusion was lacking in punch to urge people to react

Introduction

Yes the into grabed me because it hit home. It had to do with a common act. (getting donuts)

detail

i do beleive the writer did a good job at adding detail to each paragraph.

transitions

Yes, no more are needed

off topic

When the writer goes off about counting the number of rural homes. This could have been left out.

conclusion

Like I said before the conclusion was lacking in both an ending saying what could be done or how people can help.

change?

The conclusion to state what more I did about the homeless if anything.

comments

Going along with what I would change about this essay. I have two uncles that run the Union Gospel Mission so I would probably have a little diffrent view given people do have a place to go if there hungry.

Contact_FullName:: Margaret Ann Goff, LaFleur
Contact_Email:: legacy_past_costumes@yahoo.com

theme

My Phone no. is 615-895-1925 I am hoping that this is Annette Rachelle Barber, LaFleur. Child of Margaret Ann Goff, LaFleur

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Margaret Ann Goff ,LaFleur
Contact_Email:: legacy_past_costumes@yahoo.com

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Margaret LaFleur
Contact_Email:: legacy_past_costumes@yahoo.com

theme

I am trying to contact Annette Shaw. Would you please send her e-mail, or Ph. No. Or send her my e-mail, You may give her my ph. No. 615-895-1925 Thank You

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Jan practice
Contact_Email:

theme

asdf

best

adf

more work

dasf

Introduction

dsf

detail

transitions

dsf

off topic

sdf

conclusion

sdaf

change?

dsf

comments

Contact_FullName:: jab
Contact_Email:: asdf

theme

This is from the 201 site

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Kelly Guenther
Contact_Email:: andyoni2000@yahoo.com

theme

The moral/theme of the essay is really in the author's conclusion: rural homeless are mostly unrecognized and need help more than the urban homeless, and to offer that help is the right thing to do because it could be you holding the sign someday.

best

I like the descriptive language used when Shaw discusses the children, as well as the description of her Seattle experience. It allows me to "see" what she sees, and to understand the reasoning she uses.

more work

Besides a little proofreading, perhaps the author could expand a little more on the comparison between the urban vs. rural homeless. What big perks are the urban homeless receiving that the rural homeless are not? Also, I have lived next to Liberty Lake for almost 7 years and would never use rural to describe the area. So that was a little hard to get past, in reference to there being homeless people in a rural setting.

Introduction

I like the intro becase she uses a bit of sarcastic humor and gets the reader ready for a comfortable "ride" and then puts on the brakes with the description of the family. It gets me interested in the outcome, not only in what she decides to do, but also in the welfare of the family.

detail

Paras. 1,2,4, and 6 have details and supporting facts or ideas. Para. 3 is confusing- she incorporates her title into this, yet the idea seems vague to me, and possibly hard to prove or support definitively. Para. 5 also seems vague- it feels like the author wants us to believe there are so many rural homeless unnacounted for, but admits that there is no data available and the data is nearly impossible to gather. ?? Does this comment make any sense?? :)

transitions

Transitions seem to be sufficient in the essay-- Shaw leads into the next idea at the end of some of her paras. and transitions the reader in the beginning sentence.

off topic

Her quote used to support the idea about definitions of homeless (visible poor) and the political gains gives the paper the cynical edge, calling on us to feel more sympathy for rural homeless, yet it isn't really explained. I am curious as to how lower numbers would help politicians.

conclusion

I don't feel closure as far as the poor family goes. However, her call for more help for rural homeless makes the reader think about the subject more than they would have prior to reading the essay. Does that qualify as closure?? :) ??

change?

I would maybe consider supporting my opinion with a few more solid stats or examples. In the conclusion, I get the feeling that one set of homeless are more important than the other- I am not sure that is so. But that is my opinion! ;)

comments

I feel a bit uncomfortable being so direct in giving my opinion- is this how it is going to be for peer edits, etc.? I just do not want to offend anyone!

Contact_FullName:: Wendy Bromley
Contact_Email:: spokanesurf@sisna.com

theme

Very well written essay. I had a tear in my eye by the end. The essay was about the plight of the rural homeless people within the United States. Annette Shaw, the author made it go straight to the heart by using her personal story of the homeless family at the grocery store.

best

I appreciated the fact that her research was backed by a personal example. I also thought these two sentences were powerful. "There is no definite count of the rural homeless nation wide published. In doing so they might compromise funding reserved for urban areas." A shocker! and something to consider.

more work

I always have a harder time reading the hard data or in this case the facts on homelessness. She could have made it a little more interesting.

Introduction

Great introduction. It grabbed me right away. People love to read stories or essays that they can relate to. This introduction could have been any one of our stories.

detail

I am a little vague on what you are specifically asking. If you mean, does each paragraph appropriate, with no run on thoughts and such, I would say yes.

transitions

I found no transitions lacking.

off topic

No.

conclusion

Yes, the author brought the idea or purpose of the entire essay back into mind by telling us again what a problem homelessnes poses today.

change?

I might have tried to make the information that she was sighting a little more interesting.

comments

Great essay!

Contact_FullName:: James Dickson
Contact_Email:: jbd19702002@yahoo.com

theme

The overall moral or theme of the essay was to reiterate the growing problem of poverty and how the public perceives homelessness in America. The underlying theme was that of one persons views related to the typical homeless person in everyday society.

best

The part I liked best about the essay was how the author was able to break away from her everyday mindset and have enough compassion in her heart to realize that every homeless situation is a tragedy regardless of her past experiences. She viewed the homeless family as not those that just take, but those that have hit rock bottom and just need a little help. Nowadays, the stereotypical homeless person is viewed as someone who is lazy and that would rather sit on the corner than spend the time to look for a job that they are more than able to do. In this case, the author new that the circumstances were different and that this particular family needed legitimate help.

more work

I thought that essay was really well put together and thought out. She did a really good job in getting her point across as far as the growing problem of homelessness in the country today and how there isn’t much being done from the governmental side to stop it. I would have thrown some, but not a lot of, statistics and references backing up her claims to increase the chance of getting the point across.

Introduction

The introduction was very good because it kept me reading. I think that it wasn’t to overly strong but it had enough in the first couple of lines to keep the reader wondering what was going to happen next.

detail

I thought that each paragraph contained some kind of detail relating back to the topic at hand.

transitions

The author used the transitional statements well throughout the entire essay. They were smooth and made it very easy to read without losing focus as you went on to the next paragraph.

off topic

I think when the author started to talk about how to count the homeless in the rural versus urban areas she started to get of track. I felt the article was more aimed towards opening your mind to the homeless problem and not comparing the more affected areas (urban compared to rural).

conclusion

The conclusion was very good because it drabbed your attention. The fact of the matter, in today’s economy, you never know what to expect from day to day. It gave the essay a very good closure and will also make you think about the next time you encounter a homeless person on the street.

change?

The only part I would change about the essay would be the sequence in which the information was presented. I would have wrapped up her experience at the local grocery store and then gone into the facts that were gathered through different agencies.

comments

Overall, I thought it was a very realistic look at the homeless problem we have in this country today

Contact_FullName:: Esther Nedrow
Contact_Email:: enedrow@mygfa.org

theme

The rural homeless need to be looked after by people and by government funds.

best

It paints a clear picture of the homeless family, and also of the author's feelings as she avoided them and walked into the store. This clear picture helps the reader to visualize the family as real people who are in need; the authors feelings about them are similiar to feelings that I've had, and probably to other people's feelings.

more work

Many of the statistics are difficult to understand. They need more transitions to make them flow together, and should be explained more. Also, is there any proof that definitions are used to come up witht he smallest number of homeless, and to purpousfully neglect the homeless in rural areas?

Introduction

The introduction engages my interest because of the vivid picture it paints. It is also a very relevant topic to me since I sometimes run into homeless people. When I read it, I could tell that the author was about to speak up about giving to the homeless, which is something that I also think people should do more of.

detail

The first three paragraphs and the sixth paragraph contain specific details of some of the author's encounters with homeless people. The third, fourth, and seventh paragraphs contain some general statistics. A few more specific statistics would be helpful.

transitions

The first three paragraphs have enough transitions that I didn't get lost. However, more transitions should be used in the rest of the article. Some need to be put within the paragraphs. For example, I had a hard time understanding where the sentence, "This is also a favored definition amongst politions," goes. These paragraphs could also use more transitions between them

off topic

Maybe that she was thankful that she "was not in possession of that father's eyes." I also wonder if the family she used was really a rural homeless family. They could have just come off the freeway from Spokane or somewhere else. The Albertsons in Liberty Lake is just off the freeway. Also, the fact that she gave them beef seems to indicate that she assumed they had someplace to cook it.

conclusion

I think the conclusion is good, but would give more of a feeling of closure if it were longer. I'm not sure if the fact that we could be one of them someday belongs in the conclusion, either.

change?

I would add more specific details, and would encourage individuals to help the homeless more than wanting government funds to be used.

comments

Good topic.

Contact_FullName:: Esther Nedrow
Contact_Email:: enedrow@mygfa.org

theme

The rural homeless need to be looked after by people and by government funds.

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

I think the conclusion is good, but would give more of a feeling of closure if it were longer. I'm not sure if the fact that we could be one of them someday belongs in the conclusion, either.

change?

I would add more specific details, and would encourage individuals to help the homeless more than wanting government funds to be used.

comments

Good topic.

Contact_FullName:: Rachel Saldivar
Contact_Email:: RacyMama@aol.com

transitions

Yes transitions are used to help the ideas to flow however the transition between paragraph five and six do not flow.

off topic

conclusion

The conclusion does give a feeling of closure because of the decision made by the main character to buy groceries to give to the family in need. This is the conclusion that we all hope we would make to help the poor family but not all of us are such good samaritians.

change?

I think i would change some of the ramblings in paragraph four to make it flow more with the whole essay. The author has a way of writing that is pretty dynamic in the sense she seems to know how to keep her readers interested, however in the fore mentioned paragraph it seems to be a whole different person writting.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Kristi Mazulo
Contact_Email:: k_mazulo@hotmail.com

theme

"Rual homlessness" is a vauge concept to many people, becuase the author's instance of running into a homeless family in a rual area is more rare than witnessing the blatant homelessness on an urban street. This makes it difficult for any urban housing development census to obtain an accurate count of rual homeless compared to rual ones.

best

In my opinion, i liked how, in the second paragraph, the author led to believe that her situation was taking place in downtown Seattle. I think this adds to the essay's attention-grabbing effect when she reveals she actually lives in Liberty Lake.

more work

I think the whole fourth paragraph could use some revision to clarify the facts she wants to convey, without haveing them sound monotonous. Otherwise, the whole essay could lose it's effect if the reader gets lost or bored with the information.

Introduction

This article engaged my interest, but i think it would be particularly benefical and surprising to a reader who doesn't realize how much the encomy suffers in smaller, rual areas like Spokane and its surrounding areas.

detail

Each paragraph contains enough detail to acheive (what i believe to be) the author's intent. The first and second paragraphs contain a briefly descriptive detail of her surroundings that don't reveal any exact location to the reader. The following paragraphs become more descriptive with the initiation of certain facts from various articles.

transitions

I think that the themes and ideas flow through this essay with good transitions. The only changes i would make is a more concise transition between the third and the fourth paragraph, where the idea seems to change from the issue of rual homeless going uncounted, to the issues of poorly equiped urban housing resources.

off topic

I wouldn't necessarily use the phrase "off-topic'" but the description of how the author interacts with the homeless seems a little long and descriptive, compared with the rest of the paragrah it resides in.

conclusion

I think the author achieved closure with the statement that rual homeless need individual help as well as public assistance. This summarizes all of the issues brought up in the article

change?

I would try to break up the whole fourth paragrah by initiating some of my own comments between the facts and quotations. It has to much of a "cut and paste" feel to it.

comments

It's a concise piece of work. Even though the facts and quotations read a little monotonous, the author didn't go overboard.

Contact_FullName:: Lisa Rodriguez
Contact_Email:: Lrod97@hotmail.com

theme

Caring about the homeless. All the homeless people, not just the ones living on the streets, but also the ones who live in overcrowded houses, and wanting to do something about it.

best

She added good personal experiences, thought and outside sources to back up her essay.

more work

Paragraph 5- Needs more detail, elaborate more on what HUD and the Census could do to better the situation.

Introduction

Yes, you want to know if she buys something for the homeless family or not.

detail

No, Paragraph 3, 5, 7

transitions

No, Should try to use them at the beginning of every paragraph.

off topic

Yes, her experience in Seattle. I know it backs up her reason for contemplating whether or not she should help this family, but it confused me.

conclusion

No, I always like to tie in my introduction with my conclusion. She did not do that. It was an ok conclusion, but would be better if she had tied it in.

change?

I would change the way she introduced her Seattle experience, and I would change the conclusion.

comments

Overall,this was a pretty good essay! Use those transitions to make it flow and not sound so choppy. Good sources and quotes for backup.

Contact_FullName:: gina wheeler
Contact_Email:: iamgdub@hotmail.com

theme

Comparing rural and urban homelessness is quite near impossible; there are more homeless families in urban areas than one would think.

best

I like how the author opened and closed with a personalized story about the topic. It put gave something more to the paper instead of statistical information, and let the reader possibly related more without the incidents of alienation occuring.

more work

I thought that the cited information did not really say much and did not go anywhere. When I finished reading the paper, it left me with a "so what now?" type of feeling. And the Seattle tie ins did not really fit; it was as if the author needed something to put in so she threw some information about seattle in.

Introduction

the introduction did engage my interest, it made me want to learn more possible about the family and their situation. good specifics and imagery with the "uncombed hair, dirty faces and runny noses" She had nice voice.

detail

I think the detail was there in each paragraph, whether it was helpful or furthered the author's purpose is a different story. The paragraph with the cited information could be a bit clearer.

transitions

I thougth the transitions were very well done, they each went from one topic to another without flaw and tied into the latter paragraph nicely

off topic

None of the information was off topic, but some just did not fit with the criteria.

conclusion

The conclusion was really well written and gave closure to the story integrated at the beginning, but there was no closure to body paragraphs.

change?

I would put more supporting facts to back up my claims.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Tim Sander
Contact_Email:: 2timothy215@spocom.com

theme

Rural homelessness is an issue that needs to be addressed, not ignored.

best

I liked the personal aspect best of all --- the author's personal struggle, the emotions, the decision to do something rather than nothing. Another good point is her use of descriptions, especially the picture she portrays of the children. She has given me a word picture I can almost "see".

more work

When she talks about Seattle in the first paragraph she doesn't make it clear that this was some time in the past. It made it little confusing until I read further on and had to figure it out for myself. She could have used a short introductory phrase to let the reader know that Seattle was in the past.

Introduction

Yes. It begins with the action of going somewhere and its personal. I enjoyed the "tongue-in-cheek" comment about the "nutritional" breakfast of donuts.

detail

Paragraph #5 seems a little weak.

transitions

Could use better transition between paragraphs 3-4 and there seems to be an open jump between 5-6 with nothing to make the connection.

off topic

The "Olympic gold medal" phrase seems more out of place than descriptive. Also the comments about the "long commute" and "odorous aroma" of her Seattle experience don't really add anything except words to the story.

conclusion

I do get the sense of closure, but I would like it better if paragraphs 6 & 7 were reversed.

change?

I would leave out a few phrases (already mentioned) and I would reversed paragraphs 6 & 7.

comments

I appreciated the personal touch of this essay.

Contact_FullName:: Kimberly Lee
Contact_Email:: KDW061879@aol.com

theme

The rural homeless are hard to count. It is hard for them to get aid in the small rural towns because of lack of homeless shelters and goverment agencies.

best

I like the way the essay starts with a personal experience. It makes it interesting and keeps my attention. I am anxious to read on and see what the author will do for or about this poor family.

more work

I thought the author should of gone into more details about why rural families don't get the help they need. I also think she could of talked about possible solutions to the problem of homeless people in rural areas.

Introduction

The introduction does engage my interests. I find it very interesting because of the story about the family in need. It keeps me wondering what the author will do for the family.

detail

I think that most of the paragraphs do contain specific details. The only paragraph that I feel could really use more specific details is the fifth paragragh, the one about counting the number of homeless in rural and urban communities.

transitions

Transitions are used within the essay. They really help the essay go from one point to another. The only paragragh I thought needed more transitions was the fourth. I think with more transitions it would be easier to follow.

off topic

I don't notice any information that seems to be off the topic.

conclusion

I think the author should of talked about solutions to the problem of rural homelessness in our country. I think it would give it more of a feeling of closure.

change?

I would rewrite the fourth paragraph. I think it is a bit hard to follow. I would add on to the conclusion. I would talk about some possible solutions to the problem of rural homelessness.

comments

I really liked how the author used a personal experience to talk about the problems of homeless in rural areas. It kept my attention on a subject that normally would not.

Contact_FullName:: Jeremiah Harding
Contact_Email:: jerryharding24@yahoo.com

theme

The problems of the rural homeless are just as important as the urban homeless, even though they are often overlooked.

best

I think that the introduction is best. It started with an actual event, which is more interesting to read.

more work

The concluding paragraph lacks some detail. Presenting some solutions to the problem would help.

Introduction

Yes, the introduction incorporates a personal experience, which grabs my attention better.

detail

Yes, except the concluding paragraph. It gives us the overall picture, but not a lot of detail.

transitions

Yes, except for the concluding paragraph. There really isn't any transition to it.

off topic

conclusion

No, providing some ideas or solutions to the problem would give it better closure.

change?

The only thing that I would change would be the concluding paragraph. It could use some more detail and closure.

comments

I thought that that it was a well written essay overall.

Contact_FullName:: Laurie MacLachlan
Contact_Email:: lmjm@sisna.com

theme

The theme is to provide information and raise awareness about the plight of rural homeless people.

best

The best thing about this essay is the recognition of this problem. Rural homelessness is a social problem that needs to be addresed by our citizens and governmental system.

more work

More work is needed in the areas of sentence structure, syntax, and sentence length. Spelling errors that change sentence meaning need to be corrected. Proofreading needs to be done by this author to improve clarity of thought.

Introduction

Yes, because it brings up a situation that many of us have experienced. It illuminates a social problem that is on our minds as Americans.

detail

Paragraphs five and seven do not contain specific details.

transitions

Transitions are used. A transition is needed between the first and second paragraphs, and between the fifth and sixth paragraphs.

off topic

Paragraph two is off topic.

conclusion

Yes, it reiterates the main points, and ends with a concluding thought.

change?

I would proofread, and eliminate all run on sentences, all spelling errors, and the second paragraph. I would use commas correctly to ensure the transfer of the meaning of the essay.

comments

This author needs to proofread his work and make necessary corrections. The essay was not easy to read and understand clearly.

Contact_FullName:: Jesse Weaver
Contact_Email:: jwstuff@tsunamicomm.net

theme

I think it is pointing out the near hopelesness of the situation that some of our rural homeless people are in.

best

I think that she plays on the readers emotions well, and also by having it as a local story helps hook the reader as well.

more work

Maybe a little more detail into the numbers and how the govorment was overlooking the homeless here. It took me a couple of minutes to figure out what the author was trying to get at in that section.

Introduction

Yes for the most part. This is because everyone can identify with the situation of seeing and ignoring a homeless for one reason or another.

detail

I think paragraphs 4 & 5 could use a little clarification on numbers and the current situation. I also don't know what HUD is.

transitions

I think that the transitions are done fairly well. They mostly seem to end the current thought and get you ready for the next paragraph.

off topic

No.

conclusion

Yes it gives closure for the authors aspect of the story because they have done something to help an unfortunate situation that they were aware of. It doesn't, however, give closure to the problem of having the homeless in the first place.

change?

I would give the readers more detail and background on the situation.

comments

An interesting essay, and gripping due to the proximity of the location.

Contact_FullName:: Sean Ruscio
Contact_Email:: josai81@hotmail.com

theme

The theme is how the rural homeless are less fortunate and need more support.

best

The best part is the fact that the paper is written about local people. This makes it easier to identify with the writer.

more work

there is way too much in this paper that needs more work to mention. everything from grammar to proper word use.

Introduction

The introduction was worthless...reading about the woman's breakfast and how he drives his car makes me roll my eyes.

detail

Not all contain specific detail...mainly the shorter paragraphs that fill the empty space between the larger ones.

transitions

Im not an english major, but the flow of this paper is virtually non-existent. She seems to jump from one idea to another...randomly.

off topic

Not really....except for the personal details about the food and shopping. Those details were mainly used to give the paper a real life feel to it...and not just an informational paper.

conclusion

If anything, the conclusion confuses me. When she states that homeless people need individuals, it threw me off. Also, the last sentence seems to be a fragmented one.

change?

Everything...the vocabulary, the spelling, and the overall flow to name a few.

comments

Contact_FullName:: kyle splattstoesser
Contact_Email:: kyleandcandy@msn.com

theme

Just because you help those who seem to need it does not mean it will be well recieved.

best

The fact that the author had the heart to help. I think we, the part of society that are not the homeless, sometimes forget that not all homeless people are they because their to lazy to work, just don't want to work or are just loosers. For her to give the gift like she did reminds me what it is like to be human: helpfull and kind.

more work

Her feelings after she left the gift. What were her thoughts on the fathers stare? Would she be so willing to help if this situation came up again? I think those questions would help close and not leave the story open to so much speculation.

Introduction

The inrtoduction left me wondering, so yes, it engaged my interest. I wanted to keep reading to find out the outcome of her situation.

detail

The third paragraph was a little detail short. In this case she could have taken the rural community a little farther. That community is full of homes that are above average (using $95,000 as a base average).

transitions

Paragraphs 4 and 5 are lacking in flow with paragraph 6. She goes from talking about census to her thoughts and items bought in the store. You loose the emotional feeling for the family due to those two paragraphs.

off topic

Paragraphs 4 and 5 deal with a few details about the government stastistics about homeless. This could have been left out to help the author brew up more of an emotional response.

conclusion

I find no closure with the conclusion. This is due to the authors lack of details about her feeling towards the incident.

change?

I would take out the forth and fifth paragraphs and elaborate on my conclusion and paragraph previous to that one. This would allow the reader to ride high on the emotional effect and leave them thinking about their own thoughts and actions towards homeless people.

comments

Interesting article, but wish it was written a little differently!!

Contact_FullName:: Abenat
Contact_Email:: Abenat27@aol.com

theme

About rural homeless are less fortunate in American. There not even recognized buy government.

best

How she have done research about National Coalition for the homeless. I was not an aware such things exist. I thought American government provides needy family everywhere in the united stat. After reading this I want on to research more about this I couldn’t believe what is truth about homelessness in American some of the thing I was reading was unbelievable. My thought every one who needs help can get it specially if you have a kid so. As a mother I feel helpless for the people I never even knew how they felt not able to feed your kid and gives them home.

more work

After reading this essay I didn’t know what HUD stand for so I want on Internet finds out what is HUD stand for. I don’t think all people who reads this essay know what HUD stand for spicily people like me English is as a Scand language or someone never know about HUD, so if I have to write any thing abbreviation I would explain what it meant so she I should have explained what it meant it could make the readers more understand what she meant.

Introduction

Yes a little bitbut It could be much better I do like the way she write, but she have the ability of writing but she didn’t make me to read it more or I didn’t expect what it will be the next paragraph. This essay did not get all my attention as much has the information I got from Internet mad me cry but not this paper I don’t know way.

detail

yes it does

transitions

I think she used different phrases to move from one idea to other.

off topic

Yes about politics

conclusion

The mater of fact I get very emotional reading about this kind of essay this time some reason I did not feel spiritless. This essay did not make me to feel I had to do something about to change the way things are.

change?

Honesty god I would change lots of thing as long as I have time to do it so some research and time to think about I would add some feeling to it

comments

Yes this is a good writing but it needs to have feeling to it. If I have to write this paper I would add a lots of emotional appeal. I would write about my experience or some one I know who have been in these kinds of situation. If I have more time I could go to homeless shelters and find out why kids with out house in this wonderful and powerful country. I would even go to governor office and let them know what I have seen what can the governor have to do to prevent this unfortunates kid to have home. I don’t think I would ever let this kind of things hanging like this. My conclusion would have something I have done to help homeless kid.

Contact_FullName:: Abenat
Contact_Email:: Abenat27@aol.com

theme

About rural homeless are less fortunate in American. There not even recognized buy government.

best

more work

Introduction

detail

yes it does

transitions

I think she used different phrases to move from one idea to other.

off topic

Yes about politics

conclusion

change?

Honesty god I would change lots of thing as long as I have time to do it so some research and time to think about I would add some feeling to it

comments

Contact_FullName:
Contact_Email:

theme

best

more work

Introduction

detail

transitions

off topic

conclusion

change?

comments

Contact_FullName:: Leslie Papiez
Contact_Email:: papiez@comcast.net

theme

The moral of the essay is never judge someone by the situation or lifestyle they are currently in, because you never know, one day, you could be in the same situation.

best

I think the best part about the essay is the way the writer describes the hesitantcy in giving anything to a homeless person. I believe that most Americans feel the same way, not wanting to be bothered all the time and believing that they are possibly better than that person they see on the street.

more work

I think the writer could have elaborated a little more on exactly what HUD is and what other options are available to people who are homeless.

Introduction

The introduction was very good at making the reader interested in the piece. I think the writer described the way most people feel when they see homeless people on the street and the reader could easily identify with the person in the piece.

detail

A majority of the paragraphs were very detailed, however there were a few that I feel could have used a little more information. The third paragraph could have gone into a little more detail about the area of Liberty Lake, such as it being a more middle to upper class area, and being the home of a few companies that do business world wide. In paragraph five, I think the writer could have gone a little more in depth with the census and given some actual figures. I think it would have added a little more to the piece as a whole. Paragraph seven, the concluding paragraph, needed to tie in more with the rest of the piece. It didn't really summarize the piece, it was just a few statements together.

transitions

When the writer moves from paragraph three into paragraph four, the first sentence in the fouth paragraph could have started .."Like Liberty Lake, rural areas are not as equipped ..." It seemed like too harsh of a move from the third to the fourth paragraph.

off topic

The paragraph about rural areas not being equipped to handle homeless people and the paragraph about not having funding to support a census about homeless people in rural areas, both seemed to be a little off the subject of how the person walking into the store was feeling about the homeless family.

conclusion

I don't thinkt the concluding paragraph gave a feeling of closure. I don't think that it was even a necessary paragraph to add. I think it would have left more of an impression on the reader if the writer had ended with the sixth paragraph.

change?

If this were my essay, I would probably focus on the issue of homeless people in rural areas in America and use the story of the homeless family as an example.

comments

Contact_FullName:: Fanny
Contact_Email:: fannyrider@o2.pl

theme

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best

Introduction

detail

transitions

conclusion

change?

comments

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Last revised: November 19, 2009 by Jan Strever -- jstrever@scc.spokane.edu
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