|
CANDIDE I HOW CANDIDE WAS BROUGHT UP IN A MAGNIFICENT CASTLE, AND HOW HE
WAS EXPELLED THENCE. In a castle of Westphalia,
belonging to the Baron of Thunder-ten-Tronckh,
lived a youth, whom nature had
endowed with the most gentle manners. His countenance was a true picture of
his soul. He combined a true judgment with simplicity of spirit, which was
the reason, I apprehend, of his being called Candide.
The old servants of the family suspected him to have been the son of the
Baron's sister, by a good, honest gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that
young lady would never marry because he had been able to prove only
seventy-one quarterings, the rest of his
genealogical tree having been lost through the injuries of time. The Baron was one of the most powerful lords
in Westphalia, for his castle had not
only a gate, but windows. His great hall, even, was[Pg 2] hung with tapestry. All the dogs of his farm-yards formed
a pack of hounds at need; his grooms were his huntsmen; and the curate of the
village was his grand almoner. They called him "My Lord," and
laughed at all his stories. The Baron's lady weighed about three hundred
and fifty pounds, and was therefore a person of great consideration, and she
did the honours of the house with a dignity that
commanded still greater respect. Her daughter Cunegonde (empress who walked bare-foot with blindfold to prove
her chastity) was seventeen years of age, fresh-coloured, comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron's son
seemed to be in every respect worthy of his father. The Preceptor Pangloss[1] was
the oracle of the family, and little Candide heard
his lessons with all the good faith of his age and character. Pangloss was professor of metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology.
He proved admirably that there is no effect without a cause, and that, in
this best of all possible worlds, the Baron's castle was the most magnificent
of castles, and his lady the best of all possible Baronesses. "It is demonstrable," said he,
"that things cannot be otherwise than as they are; for all being created
for an end, all is necessarily for the best end. Observe, that the nose has been formed to bear spectacles—thus
we have spectacles. Legs are visibly
designed for stockings[Pg 3]—and we have
stockings. Stones were made to be hewn, and to
construct castles—therefore my lord has a magnificent castle; for the
greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs were made to
be eaten—therefore we eat pork all the year round. Consequently they who
assert that all is well have said a
foolish thing, they should have said all is for the
best." Candide listened attentively and believed innocently;
for he thought Miss Cunegonde extremely beautiful,
though he never had the courage to tell her so. He concluded that after the
happiness of being born of Baron of Thunder-ten-Tronckh,
the second degree of happiness was to be Miss Cunegonde,
the third that of seeing her every day, and the fourth that of hearing Master
Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole
province, and consequently of the whole world. One day Cunegonde,
while walking near the castle, in a little wood which they called a park, saw
between the bushes, Dr. Pangloss giving a lesson in experimental natural
philosophy to her mother's chamber-maid, a little brown wench, very
pretty and very docile. As Miss Cunegonde had a
great disposition for the sciences, she breathlessly observed the repeated
experiments of which she was a witness; she clearly perceived[Pg 4]the force of the Doctor's reasons, the effects, and the causes;
she turned back greatly flurried, quite pensive, and filled with the desire
to be learned; dreaming that she might well be a sufficient reason for
young Candide, and he for her. She met Candide
on reaching the castle and blushed; Candide blushed
also; she wished him good morrow in a faltering tone, and Candide
spoke to her without knowing what he said. The next day after dinner, as they
went from table, Cunegonde and Candide
found themselves behind a screen; Cunegonde let
fall her handkerchief, Candide picked it up, she
took him innocently by the hand, the youth as innocently kissed the young
lady's hand with particular vivacity, sensibility, and grace; their lips met,
their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, their hands strayed. Baron
Thunder-ten-Tronckh passed near the screen and
beholding this cause and effect chased Candide from
the castle with great kicks on the backside; Cunegonde
fainted away; she was boxed on the ears by the Baroness, as soon as she came
to herself; and all was consternation in this most magnificent and most
agreeable of all possible castles.[Pg 5] II WHAT BECAME OF CANDIDE AMONG THE BULGARIANS. Candide, driven from terrestrial paradise, (<verbal
irony) walked a long while without knowing where, weeping,
raising his eyes to heaven, turning them often towards the most magnificent
of castles which imprisoned the purest of noble young ladies. He lay down to
sleep without supper, in the middle of a field between two furrows. The snow
fell in large flakes. Next day Candide, all
benumbed, dragged himself towards the neighbouring
town which was called Waldberghofftrarbk-dikdorff,
having no money, dying of hunger and fatigue, he stopped sorrowfully at the
door of an inn. Two men dressed in blue (Frederick
the Great (17th century)—soldiers by size) observed
him. "Comrade," said one, "here is a
well-built young fellow, and of proper height." They went up to Candide
and very civilly invited him to dinner. "Gentlemen," replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, "you do me
great honour, but I have not wherewithal to pay my
share."[Pg 6] "Oh, sir," said one of the blues to
him, "people of your appearance and of your merit never pay anything:
are you not five feet five inches high?" "Yes, sir, that is my height,"
answered he, making a low bow. "Come, sir, seat yourself; not only will
we pay your reckoning, but we will never suffer such a man as you to want
money; men are only born to assist one another." "You are right," said Candide; "this is what I was always taught by Mr. Pangloss, and I see plainly that all is for the
best." They begged of him to accept a few crowns. He
took them, and wished to give them his note; they refused; they seated
themselves at table. "Love you not deeply?" "Oh yes," answered he; "I
deeply love Miss Cunegonde." "No," said one of the gentlemen,
"we ask you if you do not deeply love the King of the Bulgarians?" "Not at all," said he; "for I
have never seen him." "What! he is the
best of kings, and we must drink his health." "Oh! very
willingly, gentlemen," and he drank. "That is enough,"
they tell him. "Now you[Pg 7] are the help, the
support, the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians. Your fortune is made, and
your glory is assured." Instantly they fettered him,
and carried him away to the regiment. There he was made to wheel about to the
right, and to the left, to draw his rammer, to return his rammer, to present,
to fire, to march, and they gave him thirty blows with a cudgel. (bastinado) The
next day he did his exercise a little less badly, and he received but twenty
blows. The day following they gave him only ten, and he was regarded by his
comrades as a prodigy. Candide, all stupefied, could not yet very well realise how he was a hero. He resolved one fine day in
spring to go for a walk, marching straight before him, believing that it was
a privilege of the human as well as of the animal species to make use of
their legs as they pleased. He had advanced two leagues when he was overtaken
by four others, heroes of six feet, who bound him and carried him to a
dungeon. He was asked which he would like the best, to be whipped
six-and-thirty times through all the regiment, or to receive at once twelve
balls of lead in his brain. He vainly said that human will is free, and that
he chose neither the one nor the other. He was forced to make a choice; he
determined, in virtue of that gift of God[Pg 8] called liberty, to run the gauntlet
six-and-thirty times. He bore this twice. The
regiment was composed of two thousand men; that composed for him four
thousand strokes, which laid bare all his muscles
and nerves, from the nape of his neck quite down to his rump. As they were
going to proceed to a third whipping, Candide, able
to bear no more, begged as a favour that they would
be so good as to shoot him. He obtained this favour;
they bandaged his eyes, and bade him kneel down. The King of the Bulgarians
passed at this moment and ascertained the nature of the crime. As he had
great talent, he understood from all that he learnt of Candide
that he was a young metaphysician, extremely ignorant of the things of this
world, and he accorded him his pardon with a clemency which will bring him
praise in all the journals, and throughout all ages. An able surgeon cured Candide
in three weeks by means of emollients taught by Dioscorides.
He had already a little skin, and was able to march when the King of the
Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the Abares.[2][Pg 9] III HOW CANDIDE MADE HIS ESCAPE FROM THE BULGARIANS, AND WHAT
AFTERWARDS BECAME OF HIM. There was never anything so gallant, so
spruce, so brilliant, and so well disposed as the two armies. Trumpets,
fifes, hautboys, drums, and cannon made music such as Hell itself had never
heard. The cannons first of all laid
flat about six thousand men on each side; the muskets swept away from this
best of worlds nine or ten thousand ruffians who infested its surface. The
bayonet was also asufficient reason for
the death of several thousands. The whole might amount to thirty thousand
souls. Candide, who trembled like a
philosopher, hid himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery. At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deum to be sung each in his own camp, Candide resolved to go and reason elsewhere on effects
and causes. He passed over heaps of dead and dying, and first reached a neighbouring village; it was in cinders, it was an Abare village which the Bulgarians had burnt according[Pg 10] to the laws of war. Here,
old men covered with wounds, beheld their wives, hugging their children to
their bloody breasts, massacred before their faces; there, their daughters, disembowelled and breathing their last after having
satisfied the natural wants of Bulgarian heroes; while others, half burnt in
the flames, begged to be despatched. The earth was
strewed with brains, arms, and legs. (why so graphic?) Candide fled quickly to another village; it belonged
to the Bulgarians; and the Abarian heroes had
treated it in the same way. Candide, walking always
over palpitating limbs or across ruins, arrived at last beyond the seat of
war, with a few provisions in his knapsack, and Miss Cunegonde
always in his heart. His provisions failed him when he arrived in Holland;
but having heard that everybody was rich in that country, and that they were
Christians, he did not doubt but he should meet with the same treatment from
them as he had met with in the Baron's castle, before Miss Cunegonde's bright eyes were the cause of his expulsion
thence. He asked alms of several grave-looking people,
who all answered him, that if he continued to follow this trade they would
confine him to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get a
living.[Pg 11] The next he addressed was a man who had been
haranguing a large assembly for a whole hour on the subject of charity. But
the orator, looking askew, said: "What are you doing here? Are you for the
good cause?" "There can be no effect
without a cause," modestly answered Candide;
"the whole is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was
necessary for me to have been banished from the presence of Miss Cunegonde, to have afterwards run the gauntlet, and now
it is necessary I should beg my bread until I learn to earn it; all this
cannot be otherwise." "My friend," said
the orator to him, "do you believe the Pope to be Anti-Christ?" "I have not heard
it," answered Candide; "but whether he be, or whether he be not, I want bread."(The Razor’s
Edge) "Thou dost not
deserve to eat," said the other. "Begone,
rogue; begone, wretch; do not come near me
again." The orator's wife, putting her head out of the
window, and spying a man that doubted whether the Pope was Anti-Christ,
poured over him a full.... Oh, heavens! to what
excess does religious zeal carry the ladies. A man who had never been christened, a good Anabaptist, named Jacques, beheld the cruel and[Pg 12] ignominious treatment shown to one of his brethren, an unfeathered biped with a rational soul, he took him home,
cleaned him, gave him bread and beer, presented him with two florins, and
even wished to teach him the manufacture of Persian stuffs which they make in
Holland. Candide, almost prostrating himself before
him, cried: "Master Pangloss
has well said that all is for the best in this world, for I am infinitely
more touched by your extreme generosity than with the inhumanity of that
gentleman in the black coat and his lady." The next day, as he took a
walk, he met a beggar all covered with scabs, his eyes diseased, the end of
his nose eaten away, his mouth distorted, his teeth black, choking in his
throat, tormented with a violent cough, and spitting out a tooth at each
effort.[Pg 13] IV HOW CANDIDE FOUND HIS OLD MASTER PANGLOSS, AND WHAT HAPPENED TO
THEM. Candide, yet more moved with
compassion than with horror, gave to this shocking beggar the two florins
which he had received from the honest Anabaptist Jacques. The spectre looked at him very earnestly, dropped a few
tears, and fell upon his neck. Candide recoiled in
disgust. "Alas!" said one
wretch to the other, "do you no longer know your dear Pangloss?" "What do I hear? You,
my dear master! you in this terrible plight! What
misfortune has happened to you? Why are you no longer in the most magnificent
of castles? What has become of Miss Cunegonde, the
pearl of girls, and nature's masterpiece?" "I am so weak that I
cannot stand," said Pangloss. Upon which Candide carried him to the Anabaptist's stable, and gave
him a crust of bread. As soon as Pangloss had
refreshed himself a little: "Well," said Candide, "Cunegonde?"[Pg 14] "She is dead,"
replied the other. Candide fainted at this word; his
friend recalled his senses with a little bad vinegar which he found by chance
in the stable. Candide reopened his eyes. "Cunegonde
is dead! Ah, best of worlds, where art thou? But of what illness did she die?
Was it not for grief, upon seeing her father kick me
out of his magnificent castle?" "No," said Pangloss, "she was ripped open by the Bulgarian
soldiers, after having been violated by many; they broke the Baron's head for
attempting to defend her; my lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my poor
pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister; and as for the
castle, they have not left one stone upon another, not a barn, nor a sheep,
nor a duck, nor a tree; but we have had our revenge, for the Abares have done the very same thing to a neighbouring barony, which belonged to a Bulgarian
lord." (example of a pyrrhic victory) At this discourse Candide
fainted again; but coming to himself, and having
said all that it became him to say, inquired into the cause and effect, as
well as into the sufficient reason that had reduced Pangloss to so miserable a plight. "Alas!" said the other, "it was
love; love, the comfort of the human species, the preserver of the universe,
the soul of all sensible beings, love, tender love."[Pg 15] "Alas!" said Candide,
"I know this love, that sovereign of hearts, that soul of our souls; yet
it never cost me more than a kiss and twenty kicks on the backside. How could
this beautiful cause produce in you an effect so abominable?" Pangloss made answer in these terms:
"Oh, my dear Candide, you remember Paquette,
that pretty wench who waited on our noble Baroness; in her arms I tasted the
delights of paradise, which produced in me those hell torments with which you
see me devoured; she was infected with them, she is perhaps dead of them. This
present Paquette received of a learned Grey Friar, who had traced it to its
source; he had had it of an old countess, who had received it from a cavalry
captain, who owed it to a marchioness, who took it from a page, who had
received it from a Jesuit, who when a novice had it in a direct line from one
of the companions of Christopher Columbus.[3] For
my part I shall give it to nobody, I am dying." "Oh, Pangloss!"
cried Candide, "what a strange genealogy! Is
not the Devil the original stock of it?" "Not at all,"
replied this great man, "it was a thing unavoidable, a necessary
ingredient in the best of worlds; for if Columbus had not in an island of
America caught this disease, which contaminates the source of life,
frequently even[Pg 16] hinders generation,
and which is evidently opposed to the great end of nature, we should have
neither chocolate nor cochineal. We are also to observe that upon our continent, this distemper
is like religious controversy, confined to a particular spot. The Turks, the
Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, the Japanese, know nothing
of it; but there is a sufficient reason for believing that they will know it
in their turn in a few centuries. In the meantime, it has made marvellous progress among us, especially in those great
armies composed of honest well-disciplined hirelings, who decide the destiny
of states; for we may safely affirm that when an army of thirty thousand men
fights another of an equal number, there are about twenty thousand of them
p-x-d on each side." "Well, this is wonderful!" said Candide, "but you must get cured." "Alas! how can I?" said Pangloss, "I have not a farthing, my friend, and all
over the globe there is no letting of blood or taking a glister, without
paying, or somebody paying for you." These last words determined Candide; he went and flung himself at the feet of the
charitable Anabaptist Jacques, and gave him so touching a picture of the
state to which his friend was reduced, that the good man did not scruple to
take Dr. Pangloss into his house, and had[Pg 17] him cured at his expense. In the cure Pangloss lost only an eye and
an ear. He wrote well, and knew arithmetic perfectly. The Anabaptist
James made him his bookkeeper. At the end of two months, being obliged to go
to Lisbon about some mercantile affairs, he took the two philosophers with
him in his ship. Pangloss explained to him how
everything was so constituted that it could not be better. Jacques was not of
this opinion. "It is more likely," said he, "mankind have a little corrupted nature, for they were not
born wolves, and they have become wolves; God has given them neither cannon
of four-and-twenty pounders, nor bayonets; and yet they have made cannon and
bayonets to destroy one another. Into this account I might throw not only
bankrupts, but Justice which seizes on the effects of bankrupts to cheat the
creditors." "All this was indispensable,"
replied the one-eyed doctor, "for private misfortunes make the general
good, so that the more private misfortunes there are the greater is the
general good." While he reasoned, the sky darkened, the winds
blew from the four quarters, and the ship was assailed by a most terrible
tempest within sight of the port of Lisbon.[Pg 18] V TEMPEST, SHIPWRECK, EARTHQUAKE, AND WHAT BECAME OF DOCTOR
PANGLOSS, CANDIDE, AND JAMES THE ANABAPTIST. Half dead of that inconceivable anguish which
the rolling of a ship produces, one-half of the passengers were not even
sensible of the danger. The other half shrieked and prayed. The sheets were
rent, the masts broken, the vessel gaped. Work who would, no one heard, no
one commanded. The Anabaptist being upon deck bore a hand; when a brutish
sailor struck him roughly and laid him sprawling; but with the violence of
the blow he himself tumbled head foremost overboard, and stuck upon a piece
of the broken mast. Honest Jacques ran
to his assistance, hauled him up, and from the effort he made was
precipitated into the sea in sight of the sailor, who left him to perish,
without deigning to look at him. Candide drew near
and saw his benefactor, who rose above the water one moment and was then
swallowed up for ever. He was just going to jump
after him, but was prevented by the philosopher Pangloss,
who[Pg 19]demonstrated to him that the
Bay of Lisbon had been made on purpose for the Anabaptist to be drowned. While he was proving this à
priori, the ship foundered; all perished except Pangloss,
Candide, and that brutal sailor who had drowned the
good Anabaptist. The villain swam safely to the shore, while Pangloss and Candide were borne
thither upon a plank. As soon as they recovered themselves a little
they walked toward Lisbon. (the earthquake
of 1755)They had some money left, with which they hoped to save
themselves from starving, after they had escaped drowning. Scarcely had they
reached the city, lamenting the death of their benefactor, when they felt the
earth tremble under their feet. The sea swelled and foamed in the harbour, and beat to pieces the vessels riding at anchor.
Whirlwinds of fire and ashes covered the streets and public places; houses
fell, roofs were flung upon the pavements, and the pavements were scattered.
Thirty thousand inhabitants of all ages and sexes were crushed under the
ruins.[4] The
sailor, whistling and swearing, said there was booty to be gained here. "What can be the sufficient
reason of this phenomenon?" said Pangloss. "This is the Last Day!" cried Candide. The sailor ran among the ruins, facing death
to find money; finding it, he took it, got drunk,[Pg 20]and having slept himself sober, purchased the favours of the first good-natured wench whom he met on
the ruins of the destroyed houses, and in the midst of the dying and the
dead. Pangloss pulled him by the sleeve. "My friend," said he, "this is
not right. You sin against the universal reason; you choose your
time badly." "S'blood and
fury!" answered the other; "I am a sailor and born at Batavia. Four
times have I trampled upon the crucifix in four voyages to Japan[5];
a fig for thy universal reason." Some falling stones had wounded Candide. He lay stretched in the street covered with
rubbish. "Alas!" said he to Pangloss, "get me a little wine and oil; I am
dying." "This concussion of the earth is no new
thing," answered Pangloss. "The city of
Lima, in America, experienced the same convulsions last year; the same cause,
the same effects; there is certainly a train of sulphur
under ground from Lima to Lisbon." "Nothing more probable," said Candide; "but for the love of God a little oil and
wine." "How, probable?" replied the
philosopher. "I maintain that the point is capable of being
demonstrated." Candide fainted away, and Pangloss
fetched[Pg 21] him some water from a neighbouring
fountain. The following day they rummaged among the ruins and found
provisions, with which they repaired their exhausted strength. After this
they joined with others in relieving those inhabitants who had escaped death.
Some, whom they had succoured, gave them as good a
dinner as they could in such disastrous circumstances; true, the repast was
mournful, and the company moistened their bread with tears; but Pangloss consoled them, assuring them that things could not
be otherwise. "For," said he, "all
that is is for the best. If there is a volcano at
Lisbon it cannot be elsewhere. It is impossible that things should be other
than they are; for everything is right." A little man dressed in black, Familiar of the
Inquisition, who sat by him, politely took up his word and said: "Apparently, then, sir, you do not
believe in original sin; for if all is for the best there has then been
neither Fall nor punishment." "I humbly ask your Excellency's
pardon," answered Pangloss, still more
politely; "for the Fall and curse of man necessarily entered into the
system of the best of worlds." "Sir," said the Familiar, "you
do not then believe in liberty?" "Your Excellency will excuse me,"
said Pangloss;[Pg 22] "liberty is consistent with
absolute necessity, for it was necessary we should be free; for, in short,
the determinate will——" Pangloss was in the middle of his sentence, when the
Familiar beckoned to his footman, who gave him a glass of wine from Porto or Opporto.[Pg 23] VI HOW THE PORTUGUESE MADE A BEAUTIFUL AUTO-DA-FÉ, TO PREVENT ANY
FURTHER EARTHQUAKES; AND HOW CANDIDE WAS PUBLICLY WHIPPED. After the earthquake had destroyed
three-fourths of Lisbon, the sages of that country could think of no means
more effectual to prevent utter ruin than to give the people a beautiful auto-da-fé[6];
for it had been decided by the University of Coimbra, that the burning of a
few people alive by a slow fire, and with great ceremony, is an infallible
secret to hinder the earth from quaking. In consequence hereof, they had seized on a Biscayner, convicted of having married his godmother, and
on two Portuguese, for rejecting the bacon which larded a chicken they were eating[7];
after dinner, they came and secured Dr. Pangloss,
and his disciple Candide, the one for speaking his
mind, the other for having listened with an air of approbation. They were
conducted to separate apartments, extremely cold, as they were never
incommoded by the sun.[Pg 24] Eight days after they were dressed in san-benitos[8] and
their heads ornamented with paper mitres. The mitre and san-benitobelonging to Candide
were painted with reversed flames and with devils that had neither tails nor
claws; but Pangloss's devils had claws and tails
and the flames were upright. They marched in procession thus habited and heard
a very pathetic sermon, followed by fine church music. Candide was whipped in cadence while they were singing;
the Biscayner, and the two men who had refused to
eat bacon, were burnt; and Pangloss was hanged,
though that was not the custom. The same day the earth sustained a most
violent concussion. Candide, terrified, amazed,
desperate, all bloody, all palpitating, said to himself: "If this is the best of
possible worlds, what then are the others? Well, if I had been only whipped I
could put up with it, for I experienced that among the Bulgarians; but oh, my
dear Pangloss! thou
greatest of philosophers, that I should have seen you hanged, without knowing
for what! Oh, my dear Anabaptist, thou best of men, that thou should'st have been drowned in the very harbour! Oh, Miss Cunegonde,
thou pearl of girls! that thou should'st
have had thy belly ripped open!"[Pg 25] Thus he was musing, scarce able to stand,
preached at, whipped, absolved, and blessed, when an old woman accosted him
saying: "My son, take courage and follow
me."[Pg 26] VII HOW THE OLD WOMAN TOOK CARE OF CANDIDE, AND HOW HE FOUND THE
OBJECT HE LOVED. Candide did not take courage, but followed the old
woman to a decayed house, where she gave him a pot of pomatum to anoint his
sores, showed him a very neat little bed, with a suit of clothes hanging up,
and left him something to eat and drink. "Eat, drink, sleep," said she,
"and may our lady of Atocha,[9] the
great St. Anthony of Padua, and the great St. James of Compostella,
receive you under their protection. I shall be back to-morrow." Candide, amazed at all he had suffered and still more
with the charity of the old woman, wished to kiss her hand. "It is not my hand you must kiss,"
said the old woman; "I shall be back to-morrow. Anoint yourself with the
pomatum, eat and sleep." Candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and
slept. The next morning the old woman brought him his breakfast, looked at
his back, and rubbed it herself with another ointment: in[Pg 27] like manner she brought him his dinner; and at night she
returned with his supper. The day following she went through the very same
ceremonies. "Who are you?" said Candide; "who has inspired you with so much
goodness? What return can I make you?" The good woman made no answer; she returned in
the evening, but brought no supper. "Come with me," she said, "and
say nothing." She took him by the arm, and walked with him
about a quarter of a mile into the country; they arrived at a lonely house,
surrounded with gardens and canals. The old woman knocked at a little door,
it opened, she led Candide
up a private staircase into a small apartment richly furnished. She left him
on a brocaded sofa, shut the door and went away. Candide
thought himself in a dream; indeed, that he had been dreaming unluckily all
his life, and that the present moment was the only agreeable part of it all. The old woman returned very soon, supporting
with difficulty a trembling woman of a majestic figure, brilliant with
jewels, and covered with a veil. "Take off that veil," said the old
woman to Candide. The young man approaches, he raises the veil[Pg 28] with a timid hand. Oh! what a
moment! what surprise! he
believes he beholds Miss Cunegonde? he really sees her! it is herself! His strength fails him, he cannot utter a word, but drops at her feet. Cunegonde falls upon the sofa. The old woman supplies a
smelling bottle; they come to themselves and recover their speech. As they
began with broken accents, with questions and answers interchangeably
interrupted with sighs, with tears, and cries. The old woman desired they
would make less noise and then she left them to themselves. "What, is it you?"
said Candide, "you live? I find you again in
Portugal? then you have not been ravished? then they did not rip open your belly as Doctor Pangloss informed me?" "Yes, they did," said the beautiful Cunegonde;
"but those two accidents are not always mortal." "But were your father and mother
killed?" "It is but too true," answered Cunegonde, in tears. "And your brother?" "My brother also was killed." "And why are you in Portugal? and how did you know of my being here? and
by what strange adventure did you contrive to bring me to this house?" "I will tell you all that," replied
the lady, "but first of all let me know your history, since[Pg 29] the innocent kiss you gave me and the kicks which you
received." Candide respectfully obeyed her, and though he was
still in a surprise, though his voice was feeble and trembling, though his
back still pained him, yet he gave her a most ingenuous account of everything
that had befallen him since the moment of their separation. Cunegonde lifted up her eyes to heaven; shed tears upon
hearing of the death of the good Anabaptist and of Pangloss;
after which she spoke as follows to Candide, who
did not lose a word and devoured her with his eyes.[Pg 30] VIII THE HISTORY OF CUNEGONDE. "I was in bed and fast asleep when it
pleased God to send the Bulgarians to our delightful castle of Thunder-ten-Tronckh; they slew my father and brother, and cut my
mother in pieces. A tall Bulgarian, six feet high, perceiving that I had
fainted away at this sight, began to ravish me; this made me recover; I
regained my senses, I cried, I struggled, I bit, I scratched, I wanted to
tear out the tall Bulgarian's eyes—not knowing that what happened at my
father's house was the usual practice of war. The brute gave me a cut in the
left side with his hanger, and the mark is still upon me." "Ah! I hope I shall see it," said honest
Candide. "You shall," said Cunegonde, "but let us continue." "Do so," replied Candide. Thus she resumed the thread of her story: "A Bulgarian
captain came in, saw me all bleeding, and the soldier not in the
least disconcerted. The captain flew into a passion at[Pg 31] the disrespectful behaviour of
the brute, and slew him on my body. He ordered my wounds to be dressed, and
took me to his quarters as a prisoner of war. I washed the few shirts that he
had, I did his cooking; he thought me very pretty—he avowed it; on the other
hand, I must own he had a good shape, and a soft and white skin; but he had
little or no mind or philosophy, and you might see plainly that he had never
been instructed by Doctor Pangloss. In three months time, having lost all his money, and being grown
tired of my company, he sold me to a
Jew, named Don Issachar, who traded to Holland and Portugal, and
had a strong passion for women. This Jew was much attached to my person, but
could not triumph over it; I resisted him better than the Bulgarian soldier.
A modest woman may be ravished once, but her virtue is strengthened by it. In
order to render me more tractable, he brought me to this country house.
Hitherto I had imagined that nothing could equal the beauty of Thunder-ten-Tronckh Castle; but I found I was mistaken. "The Grand Inquisitor, seeing me one day at Mass, stared long
at me, and sent to tell me that he wished to speak on private matters. I was
conducted to his palace, where I acquainted him with the history of my
family, and he represented to me how much it was beneath my rank[Pg 32] to belong to an Israelite. A proposal was then made to Don
Issachar that he should resign me to my lord. Don Issachar, being the court
banker, and a man of credit, would hear nothing of it. The Inquisitor
threatened him with an auto-da-fé. At
last my Jew, intimidated, concluded a bargain, by which the house and myself
should belong to both in common; the Jew
should have for himself Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, and the Inquisitor
should have the rest of the week. It is now six months since this agreement
was made. Quarrels have not been wanting, for they could not decide whether
the night from Saturday to Sunday belonged to the old law or to the new. For
my part, I have so far held out against both, and I verily believe that this
is the reason why I am still beloved. "At length, to avert the scourge of
earthquakes, and to intimidate Don Issachar, my Lord Inquisitor was pleased
to celebrate an auto-da-fé. He did me
the honour to invite me to the ceremony. I had a
very good seat, and the ladies were served with refreshments between Mass and
the execution. I was in truth seized with horror at the burning of those two
Jews, and of the honest Biscayner who had married
his godmother; but what was my surprise, my fright, my trouble, when I saw in
asan-benitoand mitre
a figure which resembled that[Pg 33] of Pangloss! I
rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively, I saw him hung; I fainted.
Scarcely had I recovered my senses than I saw you stripped, stark naked, and this was the height of my horror,
consternation, grief, and despair. I tell you, truthfully, that your skin is
yet whiter and of a more perfect colour than that
of my Bulgarian captain. This spectacle redoubled all the feelings which
overwhelmed and devoured me. I screamed out, and would have said, 'Stop,
barbarians!' but my voice failed me, and my cries would have been useless
after you had been severely whipped. How
is it possible, said I, that the beloved Candide
and the wise Pangloss should both be at Lisbon, the
one to receive a hundred lashes, and the other to be hanged by the Grand
Inquisitor, of whom I am the well-beloved? Pangloss
most cruelly deceived me when he said that everything in the world is for the
best. "Agitated, lost, sometimes beside myself,
and sometimes ready to die of weakness, my mind was filled with the massacre
of my father, mother, and brother, with the insolence of the ugly Bulgarian
soldier, with the stab that he gave me, with my servitude under the Bulgarian
captain, with my hideous Don Issachar, with my abominable Inquisitor, with
the execution of Doctor Pangloss, with the grand
Miserere to[Pg 34] which they whipped you, and especially
with the kiss I gave you behind the screen the day that I had last seen you.
I praised God for bringing you back to me after so many trials, and I charged
my old woman to take care of you, and to conduct you hither as soon as
possible. She has executed her commission perfectly well; I have tasted the
inexpressible pleasure of seeing you again, of hearing you, of speaking with
you. But you must be hungry, for myself, I am famished; let us have
supper." They both sat down to table, and, when supper
was over, they placed themselves once more on the sofa; where they were when
Signor Don Issachar arrived. It was the Jewish Sabbath, and Issachar had come
to enjoy his rights, and to explain his tender love.[Pg 35] IX WHAT BECAME OF CUNEGONDE, CANDIDE, THE GRAND INQUISITOR, AND THE
JEW. This Issachar was
the most choleric Hebrew that had ever been seen in Israel since the
Captivity in Babylon. "What!" said he, "thou bitch of
a Galilean, was not the Inquisitor enough for thee? Must this rascal also
share with me?" In saying this he drew a
long poniard which he always carried about him; and not imagining that his
adversary had any arms he threw himself upon Candide:
but our honest Westphalian had received a handsome
sword from the old woman along with the suit of clothes. He drew his rapier,
despite his gentleness, and laid the Israelite stone dead upon the cushions
at Cunegonde's feet. "Holy Virgin!" cried she, "what
will become of us? A man killed in my apartment! If the officers of justice
come, we are lost!" "Had not Pangloss
been hanged," said Candide, "he would
give us good counsel in this[Pg 36]emergency, for he was a profound philosopher.
Failing him let us consult the old woman." She was very prudent and commenced to give her
opinion when suddenly another little door opened. It was an hour after midnight, it was the beginning of Sunday. This day belonged to my lord the Inquisitor. He
entered, and saw the whipped Candide, sword in
hand, a dead man upon the floor, Cunegonde aghast,
and the old woman giving counsel. At this moment, the following is what passed
in the soul of Candide, and how he reasoned: If this holy man call in assistance, he will
surely have me burnt; and Cunegonde will perhaps be
served in the same manner; he was the cause of my being cruelly whipped; he
is my rival; and, as I have now begun to kill, I will kill away, for there is
no time to hesitate. This reasoning was clear and instantaneous; so that
without giving time to the Inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he pierced him through and through, and cast him
beside the Jew. "Here you’ve done it
again!" said Cunegonde, "now there is no mercy for us, we
are excommunicated, our last hour has come. How could you do it? you, naturally so gentle, to slay a Jew and a prelate in
two minutes!" "My beautiful young lady," responded
Candide,[Pg 37] "when one is a lover, jealous and
whipped by the Inquisition, one stops at nothing." The old woman then put in her word, saying: "There are three Andalusian horses in the
stable with bridles and saddles, let the brave Candide
get them ready; madame has money, jewels; let us
therefore mount quickly on horseback, though I can sit only on one buttock;
let us set out for Cadiz, it is the finest weather in the world, and there is
great pleasure in travelling in the cool of the night." Immediately Candide saddled the three horses, and Cunegonde,
the old woman and he, travelled thirty miles at a stretch. While they were journeying, the Holy
Brotherhood entered the house; my lord the Inquisitor was interred in a
handsome church, and Issachar's body was thrown upon
a dunghill. Candide, Cunegonde, and the
old woman, had now reached the little town of Avacena
in the midst of the mountains of the Sierra Morena,
and were speaking as follows in a public inn.[Pg 38] X IN WHAT DISTRESS CANDIDE, CUNEGONDE, AND THE OLD WOMAN ARRIVED
AT CADIZ; AND OF THEIR EMBARKATION. "Who was it that robbed me of my money
and jewels?" said Cunegonde, all bathed in
tears. "How shall we live? What shall we do? Where find Inquisitors or
Jews who will give me more?" "Alas!" said the old woman, "I
have a shrewd suspicion of a reverend Grey Friar, who stayed last night in
the same inn with us at Badajos. God preserve me
from judging rashly, but he came into our room twice, and he set out upon his
journey long before us." "Alas!" said Candide,
"dear Pangloss has often demonstrated to me
that the goods of this world are common to all men, and that each has an
equal right to them. But according to these principles the Grey Friar ought
to have left us enough to carry us through our journey. Have you nothing at
all left, my dear Cunegonde?" "Not a farthing," said she. "What then must we do?" said Candide. "Sell one of the horses," replied
the old[Pg 39] woman. "I will ride behind Miss Cunegonde,
though I can hold myself only on one buttock, and we shall reach Cadiz." In the same inn there was a
Benedictine prior who bought the horse for a cheap price. Candide, Cunegonde, and the old
woman, having passed through Lucena, Chillas, and Lebrixa, arrived
at length at Cadiz. A fleet was
there getting ready, and troops assembling to bring to reason the reverend
Jesuit Fathers of Paraguay, accused of having made one of the native tribes
in the neighborhood of San Sacrament revolt against the Kings of Spain and Portugal.
Candide having been in the Bulgarian service, performed the military exercise before the
general of this little army with so graceful an address, with so intrepid an
air, and with such agility and expedition, that he was given the command of a
company of foot. Now, he was a captain! He
set sail with Miss Cunegonde, the old woman, two
valets, and the two Andalusian horses, which had belonged to the grand
Inquisitor of Portugal. During their voyage they reasoned a good deal
on the philosophy of poor Pangloss. "We are going into another world,"
said Candide; "and surely it must be there
that all is for the best. For I must confess there is reason to complain a
little of what passeth in[Pg 40] our world in regard to both natural and moral
philosophy." "I love you with all my heart," said
Cunegonde; "but my soul is still full of
fright at that which I have seen and experienced." "All will be well," replied Candide; "the sea of this new world is already
better than our European sea; it is calmer, the winds more regular. It is
certainly the New World which is the best of all possible worlds." "God grant it," said Cunegonde; "but I have been so horribly unhappy
there that my heart is almost closed to hope." "You complain,"
said the old woman; "alas! you have not known
such misfortunes as mine." Cunegonde almost broke out laughing, finding the good
woman very amusing, for pretending to have been as unfortunate as she. "Alas!" said Cunegonde,
"my good mother, unless you have been ravished by two Bulgarians, have
received two deep wounds in your belly, have had two castles demolished, have
had two mothers cut to pieces before your eyes, and two of your lovers
whipped at an auto-da-fé, I do not
conceive how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add that I was born a baroness of seventy-two quarterings—and have been a cook!" "Miss," replied the old woman,
"you do not[Pg 41] know my birth; and were I to show you my
backside, you would not talk in that manner, but would suspend your
judgment." This speech having raised extreme curiosity in
the minds of Cunegonde and Candide,
the old woman spoke to them as follows.[Pg 42] XI HISTORY OF THE OLD WOMAN. "I had not always bleared eyes and red
eyelids; neither did my nose always touch my chin; nor was I always a
servant. I am the daughter of Pope Urban
X,[10] and
of the Princess of Palestrina. Until the age of fourteen I
was brought up in a palace, to which all the castles of your German barons
would scarcely have served for stables; and one of my robes was worth more
than all the magnificence of Westphalia. As I grew up I improved in beauty,
wit, and every graceful accomplishment, in the midst of pleasures, hopes, and
respectful homage. Already I inspired love. My throat was formed, and such a
throat! white, firm, and shaped like that of the
Venus of Medici; and what eyes! what eyelids! what black eyebrows! such flames
darted from my dark pupils that they eclipsed the scintillation of the
stars—as I was told by the poets in our part of the world. My waiting women,
when dressing and undressing me, used to fall into an ecstasy, whether they
viewed me before[Pg 43] or behind; how glad would the gentlemen
have been to perform that office for them! "I was affianced to the most excellent
Prince of Massa Carara. Such a prince! as handsome as myself, sweet-tempered, agreeable,
brilliantly witty, and sparkling with love. I loved him as one loves for the
first time—with idolatry, with transport. The nuptials were prepared. There
was surprising pomp and magnificence; there were fêtes,
carousals, continual opera bouffe; and
all Italy composed sonnets in my praise, though not one of them was passable.
I was just upon the point of reaching the summit of bliss, when an old
marchioness who had been mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited him to
drink chocolate with her. He died in less than two hours of most terrible
convulsions. But this is only a bagatelle. My mother, in despair, and
scarcely less afflicted than myself, determined to absent herself
for some time from so fatal a place. She had a very fine estate in the neighbourhood of Gaeta. We embarked on board a galley of the country which was gilded like
the great altar of St. Peter's at Rome. A Sallee
corsair swooped down and boarded us. Our men defended themselves like the
Pope's soldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, and threw down their
arms, begging of the corsair an absolution in articulo
mortis.[Pg 44] "Instantly they were stripped as bare as
monkeys; my mother, our maids of honour, and myself were all served in the same manner. It is amazing
with what expedition those gentry undress people. But what surprised me most was, that they thrust their fingers into the part of our bodies
which the generality of women suffer no other instrument but—pipes to
enter. It appeared to me a very strange kind of ceremony; but thus one judges
of things when one has not seen the world. I afterwards learnt that it was to
try whether we had concealed any diamonds. This is the practice established
from time immemorial, among civilised nations that
scour the seas. I was informed that the very religious Knights of Malta never
fail to make this search when they take any Turkish prisoners of either sex.
It is a law of nations from which they never deviate. "I need not tell you how
great a hardship it was for a young princess and her mother to be made slaves
and carried to Morocco. You may easily
imagine all we had to suffer on board the pirate vessel. My mother was still
very handsome; our maids of honour, and even our
waiting women, had more charms than are to be found in all Africa. As for
myself, I was ravishing, was exquisite, grace itself, and I was a virgin! I
did not remain so long; this flower,[Pg 45] which had been reserved for the handsome
Prince of Massa Carara, was plucked by the corsair
captain. He was an abominable negro, and yet believed that he did me a great
deal of honour. Certainly the Princess of
Palestrina and myself must have been very strong to
go through all that we experienced until our arrival at Morocco. But let us
pass on; these are such common things as not to be worth mentioning. "Morocco swam in blood when we arrived.
Fifty sons of the Emperor Muley-Ismael[11] had
each their adherents; this produced fifty civil wars, of blacks against
blacks, and blacks against tawnies, and tawnies against tawnies, and
mulattoes against mulattoes. In short it was a continual carnage throughout
the empire. "No sooner were we landed, than the
blacks of a contrary faction to that of my captain attempted to rob him of
his booty. Next to jewels and gold we were the most valuable things he had. I
was witness to such a battle as you have never seen in your European
climates. The northern nations have not that heat in their blood, nor that raging lust for women, so common in Africa. It
seems that you Europeans have only milk in your veins; but it is vitriol, it
is fire which runs in those of the inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighbouring countries. They fought with the fury of the
lions, tigers,[Pg 46] and serpents of the country, to see who
should have us. A Moor seized my mother
by the right arm, while my captain's lieutenant held her by the left; a
Moorish soldier had hold of her by one leg, and one of our corsairs held her
by the other. Thus almost all our women were drawn in quarters by four men.
My captain concealed me behind him; and with his drawn scimitar cut and
slashed every one that opposed his fury. At length I saw all our
Italian women, and my mother herself, torn, mangled, massacred, by the
monsters who disputed over them. The slaves, my companions, those who had
taken them, soldiers, sailors, blacks, whites, mulattoes, and at last my
captain, all were killed, and I remained dying on a heap of dead. Such scenes
as this were transacted through an extent of three hundred leagues—and yet
they never missed the five prayers a day ordained by Mahomet. "With difficulty I disengaged myself from
such a heap of slaughtered bodies, and crawled to a large orange tree on the
bank of a neighbouring rivulet, where I fell,
oppressed with fright, fatigue, horror, despair, and hunger. Immediately
after, my senses, overpowered, gave themselves up to sleep, which was yet
more swooning than repose. I was in this state of weakness and insensibility,
between life and[Pg 47] death, when I felt myself pressed by
something that moved upon my body. I
opened my eyes, and saw a white man, of good countenance, who sighed, and who
said between his teeth: 'O che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!'"[12][Pg 48] XII THE ADVENTURES OF THE OLD WOMAN CONTINUED. "Astonished and delighted to hear my
native language, and no less surprised at what this man said, I made answer
that there were much greater misfortunes than that of which he complained. I
told him in a few words of the horrors which I had endured, and fainted a
second time. He carried me to a neighbouring house,
put me to bed, gave me food, waited upon me, consoled me, flattered me; he
told me that he had never seen any one so beautiful
as I, and that he never so much regretted the loss of what it was impossible
to recover. "'I was born at Naples,' said he, 'there
they geld two or three thousand children every year; some die of the
operation, others acquire a voice more beautiful than that of women, and
others are raised to offices of state.[13] This
operation was performed on me with great success and I was chapel musician to
madam, the Princess of Palestrina.' "'To my mother!' cried I. "'Your mother!' cried he, weeping. 'What![Pg 49] can you be that young princess whom I
brought up until the age of six years, and who promised so early to be as
beautiful as you?' "'It is I, indeed; but my mother lies
four hundred yards hence, torn in quarters, under a heap of dead bodies.' "I told him all my adventures, and he
made me acquainted with his; telling me that he had been sent to the Emperor
of Morocco by a Christian power, to conclude a treaty with that prince, in
consequence of which he was to be furnished with military stores and ships to
help to demolish the commerce of other Christian Governments. "'My mission is done,' said this honest
eunuch; 'I go to embark for Ceuta, and will take you to Italy.Ma
che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!' "I thanked him with
tears of commiseration; and instead of taking me to Italy he conducted me to
Algiers, where he sold me to the Dey. Scarcely was
I sold, than the plague which had made the tour of Africa, Asia, and Europe,
broke out with great malignancy in Algiers. You have seen earthquakes; but
pray, miss, have you ever had the plague?" "Never," answered Cunegonde. "If you had," said the old woman,
"you would acknowledge that it is far more terrible[Pg 50] than an earthquake. It is common in Africa, and I caught
it. Imagine to yourself the distressed situation of the daughter of a Pope,
only fifteen years old, who, in less than three months, had felt the miseries
of poverty and slavery, had been ravished almost every day, had beheld her
mother drawn in quarters, had experienced famine and war, and was dying of
the plague in Algiers. I did not die, however, but my eunuch, and the Dey, and almost the whole seraglio of Algiers perished. "As soon as the first fury of this
terrible pestilence was over, a sale was made of the Dey's
slaves; I was purchased by a merchant, and carried to Tunis; this man sold me
to another merchant, who sold me again to another at Tripoli; from Tripoli I
was sold to Alexandria, from Alexandria to Smyrna, and from Smyrna to
Constantinople. At length I became the property of an Aga of the Janissaries,
who was soon ordered away to the defence of Azof, then besieged by the Russians. "The Aga, who was a very gallant man,
took his whole seraglio with him, and lodged us in a small fort on the Palus Méotides, guarded by two
black eunuchs and twenty soldiers. The Turks killed prodigious numbers of the
Russians, but the latter had their revenge. Azof
was destroyed by fire, the inhabitants put to[Pg 51] the sword, neither sex nor age was spared; until there
remained only our little fort, and the enemy wanted to starve us out. The twenty Janissaries had sworn they would never
surrender. The extremities of famine to which they were reduced, obliged them
to eat our two eunuchs, for fear of violating their oath. And at the end of a
few days they resolved also to devour the women. "We had a very pious and humane Iman, who preached an excellent sermon, exhorting them
not to kill us all at once. "'Only cut off a
buttock of each of those ladies,' said he, 'and you'll fare extremely well;
if you must go to it again, there will be the same entertainment a few days
hence; heaven will accept of so charitable an action, and send you relief.' "He had great eloquence; he persuaded
them; we underwent this terrible operation. The Iman
applied the same balsam to us, as he does to children after circumcision; and
we all nearly died. "Scarcely had the Janissaries finished
the repast with which we had furnished them, than the Russians came in
flat-bottomed boats; not a Janissary escaped. The Russians paid no attention
to the condition we were in. There are French surgeons in all parts of the
world; one[Pg 52] of them who was very clever took us
under his care—he cured us; and as long as I live I shall remember that as
soon as my wounds were healed he made proposals to me. He bid us all be of
good cheer, telling us that the like had happened in many sieges, and that it
was according to the laws of war. "As soon as my companions could walk,
they were obliged to set out for Moscow. I fell to the share of a Boyard who made me his gardener, and gave me twenty
lashes a day. But this nobleman having in two years' time been broke upon the
wheel along with thirty more Boyards for some
broils at court, I profited by that event; I fled. I traversed all Russia; I
was a long time an inn-holder's servant at Riga, the same at Rostock, at Vismar, at Leipzig, at Cassel, at Utrecht, at Leyden, at
the Hague, at Rotterdam. I waxed old in misery and disgrace, having only
one-half of my posteriors, and always remembering I was a Pope's daughter. A
hundred times I was upon the point of killing myself; but still I loved life.
This ridiculous foible is perhaps one of our most fatal characteristics; for
is there anything more absurd than to wish to carry continually a burden
which one can always throw down? to detest existence
and yet to cling to one's existence? in brief, to
caress[Pg 53] the serpent which devours us, till he
has eaten our very heart? "In the different countries which it has
been my lot to traverse, and the numerous inns where I have been servant, I
have taken notice of a vast number of people who held their own existence in
abhorrence, and yet I never knew of more than eight who voluntarily put an
end to their misery; three negroes, four Englishmen, and a German professor
named Robek.[14] I
ended by being servant to the Jew, Don Issachar, who placed me near your
presence, my fair lady. I am determined to share your fate, and have been
much more affected with your misfortunes than with my own. I would never even
have spoken to you of my misfortunes, had you not piqued me a little, and if
it were not customary to tell stories on board a ship in order to pass away
the time. In short, Miss Cunegonde, I have had
experience, I know the world; therefore I advise you to divert yourself, and
prevail upon each passenger to tell his story; and if there be one of them
all, that has not cursed his life many a time, that has not frequently looked
upon himself as the unhappiest of mortals, I give you leave to throw me
headforemost into the sea."[Pg 54] |